Boyfriend appears to be using AA as a reason to justify why he drinks, and I have a feeling he still is - Al-Anon Family Group

Katrina324 · Veteran Member

Boyfriend appears to be using AA as a reason to justify why he drinks, and I have a feeling he still is

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Keep the focus on you and your recovery, period. Your instincts are accurate, don't listen with your ears. Al anon is for your recovery; no one else. I hope you have been able to find a meeting that works for you.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Katrina

let me ask you a question....if you had a daughter and she told you this story, told you what she was dating, the problems, the drinking, the lying....what would you say to your child????? wold you want her in a "go no where" relationship like this?????

this relationship is all WORK and no fun for you!! from what i am reading, its a drudgery being with him....dear pretty Katrina, a healthy relationship is NOT this way....a healthy, fruitful relationship, this is supposed to be the "courting phase" of the relationship...all sun and smiles, and giggles, hand holding, telling silly jokes together AND forming a strong bond of TRUST and love and respect and a mutuality that goes with a healthy relationship...

Oh i am gonna send you a special prayer that you desire alanon and the meets, and the 12 steps and find a good sponsor as much as you desire this relationship that is SO less then what you deserve

I don't have anything against this guy, I don't know him, but reading your posts, i think gee she is my daughters ages or close to it and i would want to die if my child was hanging out w/a liar, drinker, trust breaker, NOW hes putting his family on you...WHAAAT??? I would absolutely want to dig a hole and jump into it if my daughters had a guy like this....

thank god, both my SIL's are good, sober, hard working, trustworthy, decent, moral, HONEST men who treat their wives, children and ME, very very good....

I just want you to vision your daughter...grown...lovely and sweet and smart, telling you this story that we are reading about you......ok?????

keep coming back, sweetie...this program works.....

Katrina324 · Veteran Member

Not yet Paula, I'm still not so sure I want to be in this relationship at all. I went to one meeting and went out grateful that I don't live with him or am married to him.

-- Edited by Katrina324 on Monday 5th of January 2015 09:25:53 PM

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

PP wrote:
Keep the focus on you and your recovery, period. Your instincts are accurate, don't listen with your ears. Al anon is for your recovery; no one else. I hope you have been able to find a meeting that works for you.

AGREE with our Paula here!!! So agree!!!!

Katrina324 · Veteran Member

Neshema,
Thank you for the kind words, and by the way I'm almost 50 years old, I just look young, LOL
I'm just having a down and frustrated spell, I will be fine.
Kat

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Katrina324 wrote:
Neshema,
Thank you for the kind words, and by the way I'm almost 50 years old, I just look young, LOL
I'm just having a down and frustrated spell, I will be fine.
Kat

WOW, I guess u look young, LOL.....will ya think about what we said here??? just think about it.....You deserve so much of a better life....alanon is the gateway to that HUGS

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Katrina324 wrote:
Not yet Paula, I'm still not so sure I want to be in this relationship at all. I went to one meeting and went out grateful that I don't live with him or am married to him.

-- Edited by Katrina324 on Monday 5th of January 2015 09:25:53 PM

I was gonna say this..but was a bit wary of it, lol......like "thank heavens, she isn't married to him or living with him---its easier to bail" so glad that you went to that meet and SAW -- HEARD just what u r buying into.......ohh if only i knew about alanon when i was married.......

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Ditto, Nemesha.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

so who is the little cutie sitting w/you in your pic....its a cute picture of you with him.....

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Katrina even if the relationship ends ,alanon would still help you recover from the many months of living with the disease. It is a relentless, chronic, dreadful disease and I will pray for you and your BF

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Katrina,

I can say that he wouldn't be the only person to have drank right before or after an AA meeting. When my wife was active, she would go to an AA meeting, and buy a bottle of vodka on the way home and, if I wasn't home, have most of it down in 15-20 minutes. I don't know what it is about vodka, I think it starts out because you can't really smell it on their breath, then goes on from there.

Al Anon helped me deal with the craziness. I found Al Anon just as she went into r3ecovery, but it helped me reconcile her behaviors, and also to understand how recovery worked. And, most importantly, it helped me get off the codependency wagon!

Kenny

Katrina324 · Veteran Member

Thank you all,
To Neshema, that is a photo of my myself with my oldest grandchild Nicolae, he will be 5 this year, youngest Amelia, who will be 3 this weekend. They are my little blessings as well as my two grown children of who I am so proud.

I agree, I should stop listening with my ears, and watch for actions. I can't really do that, he calls me, but we haven't seen each other in a couple of weeks (since I found him drunk Christmas Day).

I believed so much in him since April when he told me he drank.....occasionally. I never once snuck around checking for liquor, or looking for proof that he was lying. I trusted him. I'm such a positive person, I loved him unconditionally and got taken advantage of for my love. By someone I pictured myself growing old with.

I wasn't asking for advice, just venting, and hurting. I know I'm doing the right thing by separating myself from him.

Yes there is an Al anon group here in my home town at 8pm on Tuesdays. I am usually in bed by 9pm and value my sleep. I went once, and ended up half the night not able to sleep. I wish there was one earlier. I may go tonight just the same. I do know the focus needs to be on me and not him and what he is or is not doing.

Love and light to all of you, there are so many strong people in this group with so much insight,

Bless you all, Kat

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Katrina324 wrote:

I believed so much in him since April when he told me he drank.....occasionally. I never once snuck around checking for liquor, or looking for proof that he was lying. I trusted him. I'm such a positive person, I loved him unconditionally and got taken advantage of for my love. By someone I pictured myself growing old with.
I wasn't asking for advice, just venting, and hurting. I know I'm doing the right thing by separating myself from him.
Yes there is an Al anon group here in my home town at 8pm on Tuesdays. I am usually in bed by 9pm and value my sleep. I went once, and ended up half the night not able to sleep. I wish there was one earlier. I may go tonight just the same. I do know the focus needs to be on me and not him and what he is or is not doing.

Dear Kat, I hope it wasn't sounding like advice giving on our part, when i posted on you, yea, i get "close" but i try to keep the focus on me , what i experienced, what i have seen, that is what we do....we share our experience, strength and hope.....we can't tell you what to do, only you can decide on what path you take.....i have been there..done that twice and i know the drill, i know the heartache.....if only i knew about alanon BEFORE my marriages, got me help earlier, i would be better off then i am now..i would have made better choices all around re: my life and maybe maybe i would have had a chance at retirement, not having to work PT till i die, b/c that is where i put myself, making bad choices b/c i was too sick and screwed up from my family and my marriages, etc., to do any better.....i have this bad back and have to try and therapy it and this week i work 3x and sitting in office chairs aggravates it , so i will be sore this week.....but thats my life due to bad and sick choices.......

i hope you can go to the meet...also we have great ones online here, that are real good and folks hang out in the chat room afterwards to field questions from newbies...the meets here are really good...i think they are twice a day...i use the online ones a lot.....they helped me....i found online sponsors where we could talk on phone and email each other.....i did what worked b/c alanon rooms around here don't last, lol., so i do the next best thing.......

i am glad u r going into this with eyes wide open....and yea, it hurts to trust and its gets stepped on, but working a program will help that too, i am way more discerning, paying attention then i used to be b4 alanon...NOW i LISTEN to my instincts, I don't 2nd guess me....my instincts are sharp, now and i am learning to trust me more and more...

you can make this "ok" and get on with your life , keeping the focus on you and nothing else....

hugs of support

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

There is no 90 day miracle. No A is "done" in any amount of time. the disease is not curable. If he was learning to work his program, he would not be talking as he is.

Plus this is about you, not him. He is responsible for his life. You do not and can not control that. I won't even talk about it to A's that is their thing, not mine. Just like I don't talk about my disabilities or my diseases, they are mine to take care of. If I blow it, they are my consequences.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

The 90 meetings in 90 days program? I'm confused. There is no "90 meetings in 90 days program." There is the AA program and 90 meetings in 90 days is a strong suggestion for newcomers starting out. Typically, people who succeed in AA go to meetings daily for quite some time. I know people that still go daily with over a decade or more in the program. It's not like the south beach diet. Your boyfriend is making this sound like a crash diet and it's a life long spiritual process that is born out of a deep desperation to change and grow spiritually - not to keep a girlfriend.

And as Debilyn said, it's not about him, it's about you. Delve into alanon so you reduce your focus on what he is doing or not doing. I sense you really want to believe him and there are things you really like/love about this guy but you are also teetering on throwing out your own peace of mind and serenity on this guy who clearly has a lot of serious problems and has his work cut out for him. If you are spiritually centered and relying more on your HP, you will get clarity on the entire situation and that includes better understanding of this guy's appeal, why you missed or didn't heed red flags, and how you may have lost yourself in HIS drama. Most of all, believing in fixing another or having them change to suit you is not a healthy relationship pattern. Alanon may help you remove that character pattern. It will help you let go of him in whatever way you need to...even if it means letting go of him or just letting go of his disease.

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

My AH is a salesman, too, and can say just about anything and make it sound believable. He probably could convince you that the sky is purple when it clearly isn't. As others have said, try Al Anon for you. Recovery is a process and my AH tried to sell it to me just as your bf did. He lasted 3 months in AA and was back to drinking and hiding it again. He went to AA to just check a box on a list, not to find real recovery for himself. Don't throw out your own peace when he's shown you that he can't be trusted.....yet. Things like this take time and patience and Al Anon can help you get through it while you wait to see if he really latches on to any type of recovery program.

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