The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm sure most of you go through this. Do I stay or go (or ask him to go). Do I wait for the next crisis or go now to avoid the next crisis?
I understand AL-anon will help either way. I understand one-day-at-a time.
But I feel guilt towards my HP because I'm staying for financial support instead of relying on my higher power to take care of me. Here's why. I married my 2nd husband for financial reasons and it ended up destroying my children (he molested my daughter). Is my staying for money now causing irreversible problems for my sons at home?
Strange thing is I used to feel guilty for wanting out because because I didn't think God approved of divorce. Now I'm worried I'm not trusting God enough. It seems I am bent on feeling guilty??
The sermon in church Sunday was on Nehemiah building the wall with soldiers standing guard. i.e. God wants us to be builders and warriors not passive.
I want to do what HP wants me to do. I want to fight the spiritual battle for my children and live a righteous life. I feel my being passive waiting is not building or fighting. I see myself attempting to build a wall but I have chains around my wrist and ankles and can't reach any higher. They if I do get another brick up he comes along and knocks it down (by undermining me to my sons-- like Sunday he told them they don't have to go to church with me).
I know the secret of learning patience is taking the focus off yourself and focusing on our higher power. I tell God I cant do it, I want Him to take over and flow through me. And pray He gives me a sign what to do when. A farmer has to wait for harvest--picking too soon or too late defeats farming efforts. It's hard waiting and trusting I will hear--I don't trust myself.
I'm hoping the answer to "Go or stay?" is like the answer you give a woman 9 months pregnant that asks how do I know when it is time. The answer is "you will know."
Dear robin: I understand what you are saying as your faith tradition and mine are the same. As a woman, I'm not big on building or fighting. I am big on doing the most loving thing I can for myself and my children. And I've learned that my HP will give me knowledge of the next right step to take and the power/energy to do it. I knew when it was time to move my x out. It was actually a very easy thing. I had doubts about it until I knew it was time to act and when it was I knew exactly how to move him out without stress or angst. Until I was ready, I just kept on doing the next right thing each day for my children and me. I also had to weigh the cost before I could act. We do suggest making pros and cons lists. Another help from one of our readers is the ODAT test: Do I have the OPPORTUNITY, DESIRE, ABILITY, TIME to do what I am thinking about? If I can answer yes to all four questions, then I'm probably doing or going to do what God wills. If 3 or less yeses, it probably isn't God's will. That helps me a lot when trying to discern the direction to take in my life when it comes to big changes.
Something else came to me: I don't remember how long you've been attending Al-Anon meetings in earnest, but it is suggested that you make no major decisions (except in the case of abuse or other major threat) until you've been active in Al-Anon for a period of six months.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 5th of January 2015 06:41:37 PM
Al Anon will give you the Courage to Change, and the Wisdom to know what to change. Women are often scared about the money situation if they leave their breadwinning spouse, and i can't blame them at all, I can't imagine what that would be like.
But, as you said, you will know when you know. In my own experience with deep-lasting tears in my family, respect and decency will triumph over lack of money every time. I have never heard someone complain, once an adult, that they were poor, other than just the fact that they were, and maybe still are. Rarely have I seen it actually wound them. But I have seen molestation and narcissism wound the lives of every person it touches. Not to mention living with an active, unrepentant alcoholic.
Robin: On the subject of money: My Mom wanted me to stay with my x for the money. She feared me being 30 years old with 2 babies on my own. I knew in my heart of hearts, given how I felt towards him and the way he treated me (and the way I feared he'd hurt my kids), that I would be using him and I wouldn't do that. For me, there is a higher principle than security of finances. The money was going out the door anyway. My kids and I lived in poverty for awhile but there was a lot more peace and I could feel good about myself because I honored my own values and principles. Those are my values and my principles, but I did want to share them with you since you said something about the money. It is part of the disease for it to turn things upside down continually - subtly and not so subtly fighting anything to do with health and goodness. Al-Anon will help you with that. I can tell you that in addition to Al-Anon and other helps, the single most helpful guidance for me when I got scared was the reminder that I didn't have to worry about what we needed to eat, or what we would wear - that we were loved and our HP already knew what we needed. My part was only to seek God's will for me and to do it and what I needed would always be provided. That guidance is found in both our 3rd and 11th Step but in a different form then story.
I am assuming that you divorced the man who molested your daughter and that the man you are married to now is a different husband? There does seem to be some kind of confusion on this issue as I read some of the other posters. In the case of abuse of you or your children to include molestation, etc, as I said in another post, Alanon suggests you seek the help of any and all resources you can to protect your children and yourself to include law enforcement agencies, shelters and/or whatever else is in place to help you.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 5th of January 2015 08:56:41 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 5th of January 2015 09:29:54 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 5th of January 2015 11:04:57 PM
are you saying the husband you currently live with and rely on for financial support is the same man who molested your daughter? just trying to clarify. if that is the case...i would have had him thrown in jail and took my kids and run as far away as possible. please correct me if he isnt the same man who molested your daughter. all i know is my job is to protect my kids.
Welcome to the MIP family Robin...right now you have been doing the best you could with what you have had and that is going to change as you allow the program and the MIP family into your life. The huge amount of Experiences, Strengths and Hopes here and in the meetings will bring about much needed change. Keep coming back there is hope. (((((hugs)))))
are you saying the husband you currently live with and rely on for financial support is the same man who molested your daughter? just trying to clarify. if that is the case...i would have had him thrown in jail and took my kids and run as far away as possible. please correct me if he isnt the same man who molested your daughter. all i know is my job is to protect my kids.
hey Newlife....Agree....I cut NO slack when it comes to a child's life and this IS her life...i am a survivor of this heinous crime and i have permanent nerve damage to my central nervous system b/c of the abuse i suffered......
my Ex's didnt' "go there" .. EX #1 abused me..only me....EX#2 was good to me and..NO child abuse but he drank, too, and yea, i stayed w/him for the money and i didn't like me using him for the money so i cut him loose to drink if he wanted to, i was not going to stand back and watch him die.....so i cut him loose b/c i just decided to trust me to take care of me and yea, it was hard, but i managed to make it, I managed to find ways to take care of me......my HP within me guided me along.....It turned out OK doing the right thing..........
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Welcome to MIP- you're in the right place. Great topic! I relate. The feelings of guilt no matter what the choice seems, for me, to be an extension of how I have been affected by the dis-ease. Alanon does have tools for letting go of guilt. I was stuck straddling the fence for a very long time, frustrated that I was frozen. In hindsight, while I felt nothing was happening and nothing was changing, my HP was moving things around and, unbeknownst, moving me to be prepared for something better. I have come to believe that when I feel stuck, it is my HP's way of trying to have me still enough long enough so that I can listen.
My previous husband (no deceased) molested my daughter. (I pointed this out as the reason I worry about staying for financial support--I am not worried about current husband and children).
My current husband is the father of our two sons. He's actually great with the boys (spoils them rotten).
It appeared to me that you were talking about your third husband and not the one who molested your daughter as I said previously. Sometimes, it is difficult to understand exactly what is being said. As you can see, children are a hot spot for us as is domestic violence, so thank you for clarifying for the family. You didn't have to do that and you did. Thank you, Robin.
thank you for clarifying the molestation. Your post was not clear to me.
grateful2 be: I think if a person comes here asking for ESH, it is ok for members to ask for clarification. I have read the OP many times, and it was not clear to me.
My previous husband (no deceased) molested my daughter. (I pointed this out as the reason I worry about staying for financial support--I am not worried about current husband and children).
My current husband is the father of our two sons. He's actually great with the boys (spoils them rotten).
OHHH THANK you robin for clarifying......I did NOT see that.......so glad you clarified........NOW i see why you are still with this one...He didnt do the evil deed.....as to the staying for money????
I felt badly using my Ex who was sweet but a DRUNK....NO desire for recovery and I loved him too much to watch him die......but i was in financial fear, "am i gonna make it???" "am i gonna meet my needs???" oh yea, but ya know??? in the end, yea it was hard at first, but I did the right thing and i think right energy attracts right energy........its good your current AH is good w/the boys......yea, i know, decisions like this can be really tough......hanging out in alanon will help you build up self confidence....it did for me.........IN SUPPORT
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
It appeared to me that you were talking about your third husband and not the one who molested your daughter as I said previously. Sometimes, it is difficult to understand exactly what is being said. As you can see, children are a hot spot for us as is domestic violence, so thank you for clarifying for the family. You didn't have to do that and you did. Thank you, Robin.
Ditto, Robin, thanks for setting us straight....I get majorally triggered over domestic violence and child abuse........thank you, sorry i did not understand, read the post and didn't realize that current hubby was not the one who did this awful thing.....
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
My previous husband (no deceased) molested my daughter. (I pointed this out as the reason I worry about staying for financial support--I am not worried about current husband and children).
My current husband is the father of our two sons. He's actually great with the boys (spoils them rotten).
thanks for clarifying, I think we were all unclear, haha.
When you are done you will be done and you will know it. I asked the same question every day for years. . I thought about it for YEARS and YEARS and never did until I had reached my breaking point. I believed he was going to get better or die. Not that I wished death upon him, but because I just couldn't be a failure, I couldn't make THAT decision. Finally, I did. My regret is not preparing myself better financially. I wish I had sacked away cash that couldn't be traced so I would have something to fall back on without his income and in the event a divorce screws me out of assets.
Glad that's straightened out. I understand when children are being hurt. She went to a therapist for years.
Any I am still here and just found out my car needs $900 in repairs so good thing I didn't kick him out. I need surgery too so in a few months I'll revisit the question--and meanwhile work on the steps.
AH is sick, high BP, several heart attacks, diabetic. He takes no meds, eats surgery all day and drinks beer. I don't hate him and don't want him to die (I feel serious compassion for him) but I don't think he'll be here much longer. He looks really bad. Then again I might end up being a care taker. UGG.
