Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> My son and me. Me and my son.
Post Info TOPIC: My son and me. Me and my son.
grateful2be


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 7576
Date:
My son and me. Me and my son.
Permalink  

My son has been in yet another rehabilitation, lockdown situation for several months.  I received one letter from him which was basically a request for me to send him cash, talk with his PO to get her to talk with his new gf, and to tell me some news with a little guilt tripping in the mix.  I responded to him with what was true for me:  1.  I was happy to hear from him.  2.  I understand he wanted me to send him cash and no.  3.  I understand that he wanted me to call his PO to get her to talk with his new gf and no.  3.  I understood what he was saying and I believed that he could be and do what he wanted to do and be for himself if he worked on it (not letting the manipulations of guilt or disease touch me.)

I didn't hear from him again although I did send him a Christmas greeting.  I wasn't surprised.  His disease is very predictable when very active.  This week, I saw that he had been released and back on the streets - in the dead of winter - the worst time of year for anybody - especially for someone with this disease if they won't or can't go to any lengths to change what they can. 

As any mother, my heart sunk when I read he was out.  I've been through this so many times, I know the drill and I know my powerlessness except over my own desire to rescue or protect him.  I also know what happens when he uses and what a danger he becomes to himself and other people.  This, too, I am powerless over and that doesn't mean I don't feel pain or re-check my motives for doing and not doing what I choose. 

By looking for him on a website that keeps track of people who get into trouble with the law, I saw that he was in jail again yesterday.  I saw his face.  The face of my child.  The face of one of the greatest treasures of my life.  I could see he was high or drunk or both.  His eyes were barely open.  HIs face wasn't even registering that he was truly awake.  I felt that familiar stab of pain and shock that comes when one looks upon the face of another - not just one's own but others' owns - and then I felt the compassion for my boy who I cannot help or heal or fix or change.  What I can do is feel what I feel.  Know what I know.  Accept what is changeless.  And find what I can in the circumstance that gives me comfort.  What gives me comfort is that he was arrested before he could freeze to death on a city street.  I don't know how long he'll be there.  I never know that.  The Department of Corrections is in charge.  What I do know is that my son is sick and his body is tired and youth is no longer on his side.  I have no crystal ball.  I don't know what the future holds for him although it is only a matter of time before his body gives out and that time is simply not in my hands.  I can't go visit him here.  Roads simply are too dicey for me to chance today.  What I can do is pray for knowledge of God's will for me, the power to carry it out and ask for the same blessings for my son that I want for myself.  That simply has to be enough because there is nothing else. I do believe his HP is with him and I also believe he is not alone.  His Mom is watching as birds watch their young make it or not from the nest.  And I believe that through my eyes and through the eyes of others, God is watching, too.

As a friend of mine who suddenly lost her youngest boy at age 26 to an asthma attack said:  All I know is that God is good.  His ways are perfect.  I must believe this for now because if I don't, I will again try to help him in ways that won't help because this is his life and his issues - not mine.  I've already done that at various times in my life and in his.  So, I do what I can to stand as witness to my son's misery and suffering, trusting in the Maker of the stars who knows much more than I could ever know and I weep at the sheer horror of it all - for now.  I believe, HP.  Help my disbelief.



-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 5th of January 2015 01:50:51 PM



-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 5th of January 2015 02:03:30 PM



-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 5th of January 2015 02:09:16 PM



-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 5th of January 2015 02:11:09 PM



-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 5th of January 2015 05:51:32 PM

__________________

"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig
PP


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3964
Date:
Permalink  

Oh Catherine, my mothers heart hurts, too.  Seeing you and him in Gods healing grace...



__________________

Paula
ohno


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 100
Date:
Permalink  

I am so sorry. Sending prayers for you and your son.

__________________

"All we see or seem is but a dream within a dream."

Edgar Allan Poe

 

Row, Row, Row your boat, gently down the stream.

Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Life is but a Dream.
neshema2


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3281
Date:
Permalink  

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Catherine)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))  I am so so so sorry to see your pain..........OMG, what a heartwrenching post......a true mother's love is knowing when to set them free to learn their own lessons, walk their own path, painful as it is, but yes, we are powerless.....

sending you love and hugs of comfort......



__________________

Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!! 
pinkchip


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 5663
Date:
Permalink  

I am so sad for people that don't believe 12 steps or other program work. Sometimes I have survivor guilt hearing about the struggles of others.

__________________
grateful2be


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 7576
Date:
Permalink  

I set him free a long time ago, Rosie, hard as it was. As I said to Paula, he has been through so much. It is him I weep for and not for me. Thank you for reading what is true and standing with me in love as I wait on whatever comes next believing in the light and refusing to curse the darkness.



-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 5th of January 2015 02:37:23 PM

__________________

"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig
KennyFenderjazz


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1896
Date:
Permalink  

Catherine, I'm feeling awful that you are going through this, and I am feeling joyful that you have the Wisdom to know whether you should change or accept. These aren't really words of comfort, as I don't know what words I could possibly give you, other than I will pray for you and your son.

Kenny

__________________
grateful2be


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 7576
Date:
Permalink  

(((Mark and Kenny))) Blessings, brothers. I'm glad you brave guys are willing to come in and sit awhile with so many sisters.


__________________

"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig
neshema2


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3281
Date:
Permalink  

grateful2be wrote:

I set him free a long time ago, Rosie, hard as it was. As I said to Paula, he has been through so much. It is him I weep for and not for me. Thank you for reading what is true and standing with me in love as I wait on whatever comes next believing in the light and refusing to curse the darkness.



-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 5th of January 2015 02:37:23 PM

 ((((((((((((((((((((((((C))))))))))))))))))))))))  I am with you ....that "warm" feeling you get from time to time will be my gentle hugging you and shoring you up to be strong, sister......if you open your hand, mine will slip in and gently hold yours as you walk this walk NOT alone.......



__________________

Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!! 
Jill


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1020
Date:
Permalink  

(((Catherine))) I am sitting and watching with you in support.

__________________
hotrod


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 17196
Date:
Permalink  

(((Dear Catherine))) I hear your heart and so understand your pain . I do know that seeing your greatest treasure in the grips of this dreadful disease is more heartbreaking than words can convey . Although my words really cannot console, I need you to know you are not alone and that my prayers and love go out to you.

I too pray that the God of your understanding embrace the both of you in the warmth of the healing love which flows to each of us who are walking this painful road and praying for courage, serenity and wisdom.

Hugs and prayers my dear friend. . .

__________________
Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
neshema2


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3281
Date:
Permalink  

pinkchip wrote:

I am so sad for people that don't believe 12 steps or other program work. Sometimes I have survivor guilt hearing about the struggles of others.

 Mark, I am glad you said "SOME times" you feel survivors guilt....You reached out for it, you surrendered to love and healing and the program...You made the choice to do the grunt/painful work that you must do each day to stay sober....I applaud and respect you and send you "SOBER" energy each day i see your posts.....I thank the universe for yours and the others here staying sober and being the worker bees that you are, not only taking care of you but sharing that love for others........and yea, i get it....survivers guilt has hit me at times when i see my family slog along in their hard pain of denial, making bad karma over and over b/c they "know not" what they do to themselves...they think they can attack me and hurt me and i feel empathy for them b/c i know they are envious that i am living healthier and happier and they just won't bring themselves to surrender to love and not hate....i can look at them from a distance, of course, with compassion not resentment anymore.......



__________________

Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!! 
grateful2be


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 7576
Date:
Permalink  

(((Jill and Betty)))

__________________

"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig
Cathyinaz


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3026
Date:
Permalink  

Oh Catherine I'm so so sorry that this has to continue. I so understand the heartbreak inside. I thank God that he was picked up again because I'm sure something worse would have happen if they didn't get him. All you can hope for is that he is safe again and they will do what is necessary to keep him safe. He needs major intervention and I pray that the DOC can give him some of that and maybe just maybe it will register in his mind that he needs help.

Prayers for him that he will come to some acceptance and prayers for you that you will be a peace with it.

((( hugs )))


__________________

 Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth

Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.

 
grateful2be


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 7576
Date:
Permalink  

(((C)))

__________________

"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig
Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3653
Date:
Permalink  

As I was taking in your post I thought how your heart has to hurt. I don't care how old our kids are, they are our babies and pieces of our hearts out there out of our control!

I know you know all the quotes and stuff. I just want to hug you and make ya tea. Put a new quilt over you and we can watch a lovely movie...of course quilt has to be new so no dog, cat or pig hair. or guinea pig, or feathers.

My son is working and working. I have such gratitude. He would easily be where many of our members kids are.I miss him and get concerned. I cannot imagine if he was in trouble. could I be so lovely as you and others if it were me? I can guess I would be giving it to HP and then giving it to Hp a million times. or else go insane.

I wonder if checking on them when they are so ill and in trouble is a good idea? but then against our nature not to!

all I know is I care for you so much! big warm hugs.



__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
grateful2be


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 7576
Date:
Permalink  

(((D)))

__________________

"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig
el-cee


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 5075
Date:
Permalink  

Im sorry grateful, i know this pain. Prayers for you and your son.x

__________________
bud


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 2081
Date:
Permalink  

I'm so very sorry Grateful. Sending prayers for you and your son.

__________________
grateful2be


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 7576
Date:
Permalink  

(((elcee and bud)))

__________________

"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig
Mirandac


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1662
Date:
Permalink  

Thinking of you sending you hugs!

__________________
neshema2


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3281
Date:
Permalink  

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((C)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) how are ya doing, sugar muffin??????  sending you PEACE and comfort hugs



__________________

Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!! 
grateful2be


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 7576
Date:
Permalink  

(((M)))

I'm feeling weak tonight, Rosie. Thank you for checking in with me.

__________________

"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig
Truth


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 934
Date:
Permalink  

(((Hugs))) Grateful... Thank you for sharing. I feel much gratitude that you are here to tell your story. Wishing you peace and love.

__________________
serenity47


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 575
Date:
Permalink  

I am so sorry to read your posting about your son. You have been helpful to me in the few posts I have made regarding my daughter and although I do not feel like I have much to offer you in the way of support please know that I admire your strength and courage. There is always hope and we never know when the time has arrived and they will change. I hold you in my prayers. Hugs to you.

__________________
grateful2be


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 7576
Date:
Permalink  

(((Truth and Serenity47))) It isn't the words a person speaks, it is the care that prompts them to speak that matters most to me. Thank you.

__________________

"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig
Newlife girl


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 938
Date:
Permalink  

(((C)))) thank you for sharing. I have a hard time dealing with this disease in my husband...i cant imagine dealing with it in one of my children. i am so sorry. your words are so wise.

__________________

Living life one step at a time
grateful2be


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 7576
Date:
Permalink  

(((NLG))) Thank you for your care and for your support. It is different, NLG. I couldn't imagine it either - thank God! I have had to face it but I am glad I couldn't imagine it. I had other ideas and dreams for my kids than this. I know my son had other dreams for his life than this, too. Both alcoholism and a teenager acting and driving like an ass took his life from him a long time ago.

__________________

"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig
Breakingfree


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3972
Date:
Permalink  

Wow, you wrote that so beautifully that it breaks my own Mother's heart along with yours. I'm sending you so much love and support right now and prayers for you both for God to wrap you extra tight!

__________________

Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree

Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666

" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
grateful2be


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 7576
Date:
Permalink  

(((BF))) Thank you.

__________________

"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig
Katy


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 717
Date:
Permalink  

Dear Catherine,

My heart is heavy reading such emotional sad and loving beyond words the pain of this terrible thing we are dealing with in our precious children, it's sooooooooo cruel, all I know is the things I feared most like the arrests convictions and injuries, are the parts now that give me hope and a little peace in times of such distress, in knowing that this is out of our hands and please god let our children be the lucky ones somewhere a long the line where something or somebody just happens along in their life and sets them free and on the right track, thinking about you sweet heart xxxxxxxxxxxxx

love

Katy

  x



__________________
Katy
andromeda


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1258
Date:
Permalink  

No words.....just prayers and loving support for you tonight. I will lift you up to the Lord tonight, Catherine. Sometimes there are no answers when a mother's heart cries out, "WHY??..."

__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Jerry F


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 13696
Date:
Permalink  

 

 

 

((((Cath))))...you know and you know that you know...you have the experience because the program worked as you have worked it does work.  You know what a miracle looks like, sounds like, feels like and is because of course you are one.  God is...period.  The will of God I believe is that each alcoholic in the brink of surrender can be touched by another alcoholic who has found recovery thru any tool available.    "This is the great fact for us...abandon yourself to God as you understand God...admit your faults to Him and to your fellows...."  I pray now for his abandonment...his surrender without reservation to that Higher Power which abides with him even as he is unaware.

You are aware...you know and you know that you know and you are doing enough.  In support (((((hugs))))) smile



__________________
Gaby


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 234
Date:
Permalink  

I read this and walk your pain.. I know that exact feeling.. prayers for us and for them.. I will say there is power in prayers. Today after nearly two years of my sons drugging this is where we are at .. there is hope do not lose that. But we have to save us and allow them a chance to save themselves.. I'll keep you and your son in prayers.. image.jpg



Attachments
__________________

Gaby 
milkwood


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 2200
Date:
Permalink  

(((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))) Catherine - I am so sorry. Prayers for your son, his HP has him.
We will be sitting with you, but you know that already. Huge hugs and love and support my friend.

__________________
hotrod


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 17196
Date:
Permalink  

Dear Gaby, what a fantastic looking family!!! You all look so happy and loved.

Thanks for sharing this wonderful miracle.

__________________
Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
grateful2be


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 7576
Date:
Permalink  

My thanks to Katy, Jerry, Andromeda, Milkwood and Gaby:

This morning, I have found my strength again. You have all helped me keep on doing what always feels so wrong - especially when I am hit in the face by what the disease has done to my son now. I haven't seen him in 8 months. He made choices that put me in a position where once again I had to pull up the drawbridge tight to protect myself and the rest of my family from consequences of his disease. I was hoping when he was released from the re-entry program, we could resume seeing each other again at least on neutral territory because some of the consequences of his using again were no longer an issue. He wasn't out a day (technical violation because he was using put him back in the lockdown facility) before he was using again. His sister also found him and his whereabouts that always include a picture and she, too, had a very hard time with it when she looked for him and saw what I had seen. Fortunately, she could return her mind and heart more quickly than I could to doing what she needed to do for herself.

Seeing your support this morning with Debilyn's suggestion that maybe it isn't such a good idea to keep watching and Jerry's support of my program work when everything in me is screaming "Bring him home" when bringing him home is the worst thing I could do and won't help a thing is a blessing. I do know AA goes into the jail and talks with people there. There are those who know my son from the times he was actually in the program. I don't know if they'll be there while he's there. But it helps for me to remember there are recovering As out there doing 12th steps who aren't 13 stepping (the way he got screwed up when he was working the program but vulnerable still). Thanks, Jerry, for this.

I appreciate you helping me stay sane and out of my son's business without closing off my heart to him, everyone.

__________________

"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig
akk


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 17
Date:
Permalink  

I truly feel your pain. As a mom, you want to fix it a Nd your heart tells you maybe, this time,you can. But your brain screams that you cannot, and you know, deep down, that your brain is right, too.the meeting of the heart and the brain is oh so difficult. Trying to force them to meet does not work. It is constant conflict. Stepping back, giving it to your HP does. This disease that our kids have is so beyond our being moms because we cannot make it better.God can, let him. You are in my prayers.

__________________

Alison 
grateful2be


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 7576
Date:
Permalink  

Thank you, Alison. I so appreciate your prayers for our family and for your support.

__________________

"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig
bud


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 2081
Date:
Permalink  

((((Grateful2be))))) It can be such a crazy fine line between hope and expectation. As you know, any of your decisions will work better with self-care- so please continue to take good care of yourself. Sending continued prayers.

__________________
1 2  >  Last»  | Page of 2  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> My son and me. Me and my son.