The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Making this as short and to the the point as possible!!!
I know I cannot be the only one dealing with this/these issues. I feel beyond confused and frustrated to the point I have no clue what to do. Quick background d of DH and I.
Married for almost 21 years
3 lovely, smart daughters. 17, 11, and 5
We've had basically the same 2 issues that cause us problems since day 1.- alcohol and his need for time to do his whatever he wants and when he wants.
I've begged, cried, been frustrated, gave cold shoulder, been calm, and have even moved out before.
My daughters have witnessed stumbling (rare) and heard slurred speech (not rare)
They've came to me countless times asking g what is wrong with dad.
The two.oldest are old enough now to "get it". The youngest not quiet.
About a year ago me and the girls "moved out" for an entire night lol. He had been drinking g heavily and while sitting down at table to eat his steak he grilled he started talking out loud to himself. Saying "b*** this and b... that." "You're nothing g but a "bi###". Our smallest was 4 at the time and was right there playing barbies and I'm sure was confused. It was as if he was talking to somebody but nobody was there. I asked him who he was talking to and he just looked at me totally confused. That night I rounded the kids up and we went a family members house . We left after he had passed out. He calls me at 3 am begging for us to come back home after the girls wake up. He said all the usual stuff they all say.... can't do it without yall. You are my rock.... blah blah blah. I told him I no longer wanted him drinking. He couldn't handle it. First week was weird. But good. Kind of.... he was lost I could tell and so was I tbh. He kept busy w things around d the house that really needed to be done. But then he sank into this weird phase that I didn't like either. Total bore. He was so boring!!! Aghhhh!!! Slowly he started up again though. He began drinking select 55 beer. Much lighter than what he was drinking. Would come home from work, like always, and start until he was asleep for the night . I didn't say anything about the light beer because honestly things seemed good.... fast forward a bit though and they take a turn. I noticed off and on that things weren't quiet right. Just had a sense among a few other red flags. Such as: going out to his car alot. He'd be in the room one minute and then gone the next. Then the slurring g started and weird look in his eyes. Tiny pupils. I asked him and he said it's from him taking a Xanax and drinking or from a pain pill. Blah blah blah..... every so often he would get this weird way I described above and pass out and then the next day a new day..... last night he went out to his car once again and this time when he came in I walked over to embrace him and give him a kiss on his lips. It was obvious he was hiding something. I had to see if I could smell hard liquor on his lips and breatb. Bingo. I just walked away and he became very quiet. I confronted him but this time in a different way. I asked him and the first thing he says is "I'm a good dad and you know it".... I told him of course he was (because he really is) and that had nothing to do with this. I just wanted him to be real w me and not lie. He said he had vodka in his car. Things were getting to him and it was his way of dealing w them. Excuses; but what do u say??? In all fairness we have had a tremendous amount on our plate. Lost our parents within a year of each others. I along w my brother take care of our birth father who is in a nursing home at age 70 due to blunt force trauma that happened 11 years ago. Major brain trauma. Boy that's been a RIDE. him and his sis take care of their grandma who is in a nursing home due to old age. We have Noone to help w our kids besides my step dad who is wonderful. But let's face it he isn't knock g down the doors offering to watch the two little ones. He's there when I need him though. I don't like a ski g my oldest because she is taking an extremely hard load at school and works. Besides they fight like crazy. Geez was going to keep this short but the words kept flowing. I am on a waiting list for a duplex coming up in the next two months. I am just so confused. I need clarity and time to get out of this mess to see what my heart truly feels and to think w a clear mind. My husband provides well, takes his job very seriously, cooks, helps w laundry. He is a good man. I just can't help but sense something has to change because if it doesn't then I fear I may never have the courage to start a new life because I'll be too old to support me and the girls. I am self emplyed. No benefits except thru husband. No 401k except thru husband. Please guide me somebody..
We've
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 5th of January 2015 07:57:02 AM
Aloha Sadie...you found the front door...YAY!! Help is here if you are willing to join us and take some suggestions.
"I need clarity and time to get out of this mess to see what my heart truly feels and to think w a clear mind."
That is the Al-Anon first wish...We all come to that need and wish and then some of us find the doors to the Al-Anon Family Groups. For me my finger found the hot line number in the white pages of the local telephone book in the town I lived in then. I was crazy beyond words and had to do what you are doing now..."YELL FOR HELP"...I called Help in Emotional Trouble and then Suicide Prevention and no one was available and then I learn that the reason for that was so that I could connect with those who understood both my problem and the solutions.
Al-Anon, white pages in that telephone book not far from where you are at now. Call it, make the connection and listen to where and when we get together in your area next. You don't have to keep going as you are right now. Not necessary or legal for that matter.
Second suggestion is to stick with MIP...this family is mostly and not all, and Al-Anon Family. Spend time reading back in time on our posts and responses and then plan understand you are not alone and never have been. We are here for you and each other. (((((hugs)))))
Jerry is super wise and it is so true: get clarity through Al-anon, and even here...this does give you the much needed time to sort out your wants, needs and desires :)
Aloha Sadie...you found the front door...YAY!! Help is here if you are willing to join us and take some suggestions.
"I need clarity and time to get out of this mess to see what my heart truly feels and to think w a clear mind."
That is the Al-Anon first wish...We all come to that need and wish and then some of us find the doors to the Al-Anon Family Groups. For me my finger found the hot line number in the white pages of the local telephone book in the town I lived in then. I was crazy beyond words and had to do what you are doing now..."YELL FOR HELP"...I called Help in Emotional Trouble and then Suicide Prevention and no one was available and then I learn that the reason for that was so that I could connect with those who understood both my problem and the solutions.
Al-Anon, white pages in that telephone book not far from where you are at now. Call it, make the connection and listen to where and when we get together in your area next. You don't have to keep going as you are right now. Not necessary or legal for that matter.
Second suggestion is to stick with MIP...this family is mostly and not all, and Al-Anon Family. Spend time reading back in time on our posts and responses and then plan understand you are not alone and never have been. We are here for you and each other. (((((hugs)))))
__________________
Linda
Don't worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will have it's own worries
Hello Sadie, You're in the right place. I was dating a 61 year old man, successful, high functioning car salesman, fabulous 3500 sq ft home, good looking, charming, we had the most glorious, fun filled year and half together. And then I would walk in on him and find him stumbling around. He'd pass it off as being tired. I'm a bit naïve, farm girl, not much experience with drinking. So I believed him. Until I found him passed out, twice, and I figured it out. I told him I was done, and then the promises started. On Christmas Day I walked out when he was drunk again. Now he swears he's making it right and doing the AA program. His family tells me he's been drinking for years and hid it from me the whole time. Boy did I have the rose colored glasses on. And he is the king of manipulation, always knows the right thing to say to get everyone to settle down and believe he isn't drinking.
Don't settle, that's all I can say. A toxic environment is no good for anyone, especially the children. I'm a hospice nurse, and I have to be blunt, a life of heavy drinking doesn't have a good ending, which is why I bailed out of the relationship. I told him I won't watch him kill himself. Join an Al anon group for support. Vent here, there's so many that will listen, and I've only been on here two days.
Hugs and support to you, Katrina
-- Edited by Katrina324 on Tuesday 6th of January 2015 05:52:09 PM
I'm so sorry. He's very sick. This is going to be a hard journey, but Al Anon will give you the tools to help yourself. You can't help him right now. Your story is the same as ours, just a different verse. It's awful to see what happens to them, but you have three daughters and yourself to worry about and getting well yourself will help all of your family. I promise. Once you go to Al Anon for a while and read the literature and work the steps you will be a lot happier and healthier--whether your husband is or not. There are a lot of people at face to face meetings and here that want to share the hope and strength to help you see how to reach peace and a future. You have started. Now be gentle with yourself and see how you will overcome the crazy heartbreak of an alcoholic husband. I know it will be hard, but you will grow so much from this and be stronger than you could ever imagine. Hugs to you.
