Dear Laurel, I'm so sorry that your F00*have disappointed you once again. This is a extremely difficult, vulnerable time for you and reaching out for support from someone that appeared to be genuinely supportive understandable. I am so glad that you went to visit your father on your own and did not wait forthe two weeks that was established by your uncle. You listened to your inner voice, HP gave you the courage, wisdom and serenity to go on your own and have a successful visit with dad. That was the most important action you could've taken.

My F00 have responded in a very similar fashion to many of my requests in the past. I made the decision several years ago that I would depend on them for nothing but still treat them with courtesy and respect and have love, compassion and empathy for them. This has worked perfectly for me. I obtain my support for my friends and that is what I need.

I'm glad that you shared here and will hold you in my thoughts and prayers

Thanks so much Betty! It helps to know that I'm not alone and that my surprise and disappointment is a normal response under the circumstances.

If my Uncle knew about my visit, he must have felt lacking on many levels and could only pretend to "save face." I also know that he feels that if he cares less, he wins. He's all about being right and winning... something. But, thank heavens, this is none of my business.

Now, that I know what I know, I agree that being kind, courteous, respectful, and acting from a loving place of compassion and empathy - without expectations- will work well for me. I am blessed with my MIP family, good friends, and have a whole life ahead to enjoy, regardless of what my FOO does or doesn't do. After reading your response, in hindsight, this could have also been my HP moving me out of my own way or harm's way! I am grateful.

bud: I hope you can extend compassion and empathy towards yourself, too. Your Mom just died. Your dad has just gone through multiple major losses. You have gone through some pretty tough stuff yourself, too. When a parent dies, in my experience, all sorts of things surface in us and everyone involved with the changes. We all experience grief at different times and in different ways. When my Mom died, I went back to work thinking I was doing okay although everything in me hurt - not just for me but for my Dad and my sibs and my Mom whose death was horrid. I was there a few days and a man came in off the street who was just being his sick self but he was just too much for me and I can remember saying what I wouldn't say to a complete stranger. I wasn't terrible to him, but I wasn't pleasant either. My secretary turned to me after he left and said: "You're hurting." She was right. I called Hospice and got into Hospice Care and Counseling which was a great help. I really couldn't handle it all on my own then. And Al-Anon really wasn't that big a help to me on that either in large part because my parents weren't As and the disease hadn't yet progressed in my sibs to the point it had by the time Dad died. My counselor was such a help. They are specifically trained for help with death and dying and a good one is a real gift. When my Dad died, I didn't need Hospice help because I'd learned some tools from Hospice and had the help of my sponsor daily and some good fellowship friends. I'd also had about six years to prepare myself for his death following his stroke. Your Mom hasn't been in the ALF for all that long, so maybe my suggestion would be helpful for you?

Thanks Grateful- this is a very good suggestion. Hospice did let me know that they would be available to speak with after Mom's death. Silly me- what is ALF, please?

Thanks Paula, your words impart a wonderful strength and balance and I'll keep them close for easy reference.

thank you Betty

Rejection is God's protection.  "FOO pulled a trigger?"  Maybe hp helped you dodge big bullet.  Remember when we lived with active alcoholics... there are those moments of emotional availability. There seemed to be a light suddenly lit in them and just for a moment we believed, we hoped, we decided just maybe we can depend on them after all to help us meet our needs. We learned it was just a game of smoke and mirrors. It was painful to accept, lonely and abandoned yet again.  Then came Alanon and those who could actually show up for us and teach us through their es&h how we could show up for ourselves.  You know how, Bud.  You went to the nursing home and it went well.  Keep trusting yourself and your hp to keep walking next to you. I had to separate myself from my sibling despite my mom's wish that we'd be close after she died. I haven't severed ties but I have to put my well-being above my mother's wish.  My brother's self loathing comes out sideways in derrogatory remarks about our mother whom he blames for his own life choices.  When she first died, I believed he would feel as I did, that there's just us and we should become closer and be there for one another. I accept that that did not happen.  He sent me a "sister" card for my birthday last week.  I didn't sit in the "if onlies."  His kind gestures are random and who knows what motivates him... alcohol is his best friend. I take things at face value. I no longer project about possibilities. I pray his well-being and let go. 

I found that I needed to protect my grief time and deserved to honor that process as unique and as individualized.  I've realized that's true of my brother as well - whatever grieving my mother may look like for him. I do love my brother but I honestly could not bear up to remarks, the yelling at me and the random kindness then drop kicking me to the curb that's been the pattern for many years due to his disease. My mother's death was devastating to me and I wanted to draw closer to him not further away. However, he can't deal with feelings in general so a crisis only worsens things for him and those in his path. 

Our family of choice in Alanon is here for us and the god of our understanding and we've acquired courage by coming here and sharing and inner power and strength from gathering with others in the rooms to heal and grow.  So we trot off to the hardware store once in awhile by mistake. It happens less often now.  You and your dad are lucky to have one another. Maybe your private visit with him was much more genuine and focused than it ever could have been with the rest of the family there.  I'm glad you didn't wait for your family of origin. I know you ache right now but you're finding the inner strength to keep growing. ((((hugs)))   TT  

You will know when you do!

I thought it hurtful that if it was a family thing, even if it was not about dad, you guys could have seen each other.

their actions show how they feel.

As far as the past, that is their problem. You had every right to protect you from poisonous situations!

I am so sad you lost your mom. Its one of our greatest losses even if we did not have a good relationship, we now cannot even have hope to!

Sending you lots of love!