The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm not even sure what to say so forgive me if this all comes out as a jumbled blurb of words.
I've been with my husband now for 16 years. He's an amazing man, except for the drinking. I knew from the first incident that I should have left. But I didn't. At first it wasn't so bad, for many years it wasn't really out of control. Then it started increasing and spiraled out of control.
We've gone to counselling, he's been in the drunk tank 3 times after passing out in public places. He's injured himself more than once. Just before Christmas he almost got into a bar fight, but had sense to go home. These are just a few of the highlights over the years.
He admits he has a problem but kind of uses it as an excuse to keep drinking. He recently started seeing an addiction counseller, just one session so far but says he likes the guy and wants to go back.
I've considered Al-Anon meetings in the past but honestly I'm afraid to go, what it means to actually go and admit it. For a long time I convinced myself there wasn't a problem but after all that has happened its pretty hard to deny. I know I have engaged in enabling behaviours, I've done a lot of reading on the subject and could immediately see myself. Part of me feels like an ass because I know as stories go this is pretty mild, that so many more people have had it so much worse than this.
Don't get me wrong, I love him dearly, he makes me very happy except for this.
Not even sure what I'm trying to say or if there is even a question in all of this. Thanks for reading, take care.
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The standard you walk past is the standard you accept.
I've considered Al-Anon meetings in the past but honestly I'm afraid to go, what it means to actually go and admit it. For a long time I convinced myself there wasn't a problem but after all that has happened its pretty hard to deny. I know I have engaged in enabling behaviours, I've done a lot of reading on the subject and could immediately see myself. Part of me feels like an ass because I know as stories go this is pretty mild, that so many more people have had it so much worse than this.
Don't get me wrong, I love him dearly, he makes me very happy except for this.
Not even sure what I'm trying to say or if there is even a question in all of this. Thanks for reading, take care.
Dear Shizuka., welcome and ehy, I was scared at meets the first time or two and its OK...and whats so bad about admitting it??? its scary to come out of our denial blanket...we dont' want to admit that we married an addict, we dont' want to admit we are powerless and want help, but thats what the disease wants us to do...stay silent, stay in same place, don't help ourselves.......go to the meet....sit..listen....maybe hang out after it and chat w/some of the more experienced members and ENJOY....its not getting a tooth pulled, it is a meeting with folks who are in the same boat as you......and we all engaged in enabling.....I did it........I loved my 2nd alcoholic husband but i still left....i wanted an equal partner....i wanted not to worry about drinking anymore and its horrible aftermath............whether you go or stay, alanon will help you to carve out a life for yourself.....alanon is for us and helps us reshape our thinking, behaviours and to realize that we are 100% powerless over the alcoholic and that leaving him to reap what he sows is the best, most merciful thing we can do....for them and for us............
glad you reached out to us.......IN SUPPORT
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Welcome and I so get what you are saying. You aren't an ass. You are a woman seeing what the devastation of this disease does to a person you love. As the disease progresses, things do get worse for the person with this disease if they don't get into an actual treatment program. It also gets worse for those of us living with a person with this disease. What would be normal behavior with a loved one who is sick with another disease becomes enabling for a person with alcoholism. We've all done it with the best of intentions. You are not alone.
When it comes to meetings, I, too didn't want to go. I wasn't afraid to go. I was just plain ole angry that an alcohol and drug abuse counselor would suggest I needed the education and support of Al-Anon when it was my husband who was the alcoholic and addict. I could see he had a problem. I couldn't see that I had one. I kept thinking that if he'd just stop partying, using, abusing, then our life could be normal, our marriage happier and our children raised together well. Al-Anon showed me that I had a problem and although it was a tough pill to swallow, I knew it was true by listening to others describe themselves and the things they were doing to overcome the effects of their loved ones' disease on them.
It can be a bit intimidating to walk into an Al-Anon room for the first time but people are waiting for you and will greet you there. We suggest at least 6 meetings before you decide if the program is for you. If you don't like one meeting place, try others. Nobody will tell you what to do or give you advice in the meetings. They'll just listen and they'll understand because they've been where you are or are going through the same things you are going through now.
Keep coming back here, too.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 4th of January 2015 03:46:15 PM
I was just plain ole angry that an alcohol and drug abuse counselor would suggest I needed the education and support of Al-Anon when it was my husband who was the alcoholic and addict. I could see he had a problem. I couldn't see that I had one. I kept thinking that if he'd just stop partying, using, abusing, then our life could be normal, our marriage happier and our children raised together well. Al-Anon showed me that I had a problem and although it was a tough pill to swallow, I knew it was true by listening to others describe themselves and the things they were doing to overcome the effects of their loved ones' disease on them.
OMG.....i had a therapist who told ME the same thing, wish i had listened, LOL...that was with A#1......i refused!!! i wasnt' the problem HE was......oh this brings up memories.....i can't do anything about it now, that time is gone, but omg...wish i had gone to alanon way back.....the misery i could have spared myself of.....WOW!!! grateful your post really hits on some old memories..........well...i am here now....and now is all i have.....its never too late to reach out to alanon
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Welcome to MIP You are not an ass and there is nothing to be ashamed of...often that was the reason for me isolating myself from friends, family, al anon meetings and me. I used to shiver before I would enter al anon meetings, but once I was there I was so glad I did it. I took action on my behalf and I was proud of myself. I was angry, too, because I did not want to be bothered by another commitment. Let us know how it goes!
Thank you for your replies. I am going to find a meeting in my area, though I do work shift work so I may not be able to commit to every week. I do want to help him, but I know this is something he needs to do for himself. I'm a fixer, its in my nature to fix things and make people happy often at my own expense. That's something I'm working on too. But for now I guess I'll focus on getting myself into a good place.
I'm still kind of intimidated to go to a meeting, I feel like a bit of a fraud, but I know thats likely denial. My logical side knows this is a real problem, but there is still a part of me that wants to pretend its not that bad.
__________________
The standard you walk past is the standard you accept.
I'm a fixer, its in my nature to fix things and make people happy often at my own expense. That's something I'm working on too. But for now I guess I'll focus on getting myself into a good place.
I'm still kind of intimidated to go to a meeting, I feel like a bit of a fraud, but I know thats likely denial. My logical side knows this is a real problem, but there is still a part of me that wants to pretend its not that bad.
I hear ya, i was too (fixer) and i have to still watch it but its waaaay better thanks to alanon.......so you are not alone......and you are NO fraud...just kinda nervous like the rest of us when we began, i am sure........and it most likely is trying to belive it is this bad, but it is and i know you know that b/c you are here sharing with us and ya see the support you got here???? same thing at the meets........noone is gonna judge you b/c we all have been there and done that...........you rock on and let us know how it goes........IN SUPPORT
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
The Al-Anon meetings are for us and not for the alcoholic. Our attending meetings are to help us live with hope whether or not our loved one keeps drinking. I am a rescuer by default. Alanon helped me find ways to stay out of what was my As' business and disease and work on my own issues. We also offer on-line meetings twice a day here. They can be used as a supplement to face to face meetings and are also a big help to those of us who are friends or family members of people whose drinking bothers us. "It's not that bad" is one of the ways this disease affects us and keeps us doing what will not work for us or for our loved ones. I learned to admit what was true for me and what was true for me was that living with this disease was a nightmare with no end - just momentary pauses into between crises. I think you have good insights into yourself and following through on attending meetings will be such a wise move on your part and give you even more insights that will be invaluable to you.
I can see just from the posts here and elsewhere on the board that I am not unique in my feelings. I'm grateful that I have found support of others who understand. I look forward to learning more. Have a good night :)
__________________
The standard you walk past is the standard you accept.
Welcome Shizuka! Not much to add to the already great responses you got. Your feelings are pretty standard for someone just starting out in alanon. You are not alone.
Welcome Shizuka, my name is Katrina, I'm new here too.....
You're not an ass, I can relate, I've felt that way too. My boyfriend of a year and a half was hiding his drinking from me, I felt and still do feel like the biggest fool ever. I had no idea he was a drinker, he told me he quit drinking after his wifes death. I guess I should have been more specific about WHEN he quit but I believed him. He would pass off his "grogginess" or clumsy walk to just being tired. He would even go so far as to drink before he would come over and fall asleep on my couch (again, stupid me, I thought he was just tired). The crap hit the fan in November when I found him twice passed out on the floor. And then the promises started, telling me he was done with drinking. He went to one AA meeting in five weeks, and things spiraled out of control Christmas Day when his daughter found him passed out. I spent Christmas Day with his daughter and her family, and everything came out into the open. They all thought I knew. They've tried to get him into detox multiple times but he refuses. Now of course, since I broke up with him, he suddenly is in AA, and has a sponsor.
I'm a fixer too. A registered nurse who does hospice. I thought I could help him, support him, guide him, whatever else. After being lied to over and over, I realized how my own health and well being was being compromised. Its human nature for us to want to help others, especially in a marriage. I can't imagine what you must be going through. I am fortunate to have the choice of whether to stay or to go. As for Al anon, I went to one meeting so far, and sat there feeling cheated and angry. I can see now what role I played in the relationship, and really feel that although I'm not with him, it can help my future choices and responses to his behavior and others that I encounter.
Sorry, I've edited this a bazillion times already.......I'm just grateful to have found this forum and hope that I don't just babble about my own issues and find some way to extend support and help to others along the way.
Love and light to you, and you're not alone! Kat
-- Edited by Katrina324 on Sunday 4th of January 2015 06:23:28 PM
-- Edited by Katrina324 on Sunday 4th of January 2015 06:29:36 PM
-- Edited by Katrina324 on Sunday 4th of January 2015 06:37:01 PM
Hi Katrina, thank you for sharing your story! I completely understand feeling like a fool. I've kicked myself more than once throughout the last few years wondering how could I have not seen where this was going? The very first time his drinking disrupted our lives was 15 years ago. We used to live about 4 hours apart and would take turns going to each others cities to visit for the weekend. I arrived at the bus station to discover he wasn't there. Thinking he was running behind I waited, after the first hour I worried something happened, the 2nd hour I was mad, the 3rd hour I decided to take the next bus home, how dare he stand me up! The next bus didn't leave for another 2 hours so I waited fuming. 1.5 hours later he finally showed up, completely loaded but apologetic asking me to stay, that he lost track of time and he would make it up to me. I stayed, didn't want to make a scene, thinking we would talk about it the next day. And we did talk. But there are some days I wonder if it wouldn't have been better to gather my wounded prided and get back on a bus.
I won't be able to go to a meeting til next week as the one closest to me is held in the evening and I'm working nights that day but I'll keep lurking and reading around here. I'm also considering counselling for myself individually. I'm trying to take care of myself too, eating well, trying to get sleep, exercising regularly. But for now I've got to get ready for work, long day ahead!
Have a great Monday everyone, and thanks again for the support, it means a lot to me.
__________________
The standard you walk past is the standard you accept.
Aloha Shizuka welcome to the board and glad you are here. You have already received loving, caring and knowledgeable responses from the MIP fellowship. You will be getting more. You have already started the change which is necessary for your recovery...reaching out for help and responding to it. You have let your story fly and found out we have lived it also and felt the same way. Alcoholism isn't a moral issue I found out...It wasn't my wife being a bad person although the alcoholic behavior was over the top and bizarre...and then not only her's and mine also. I thought of my alcoholic/addict wife as a great person however the drinking and using behavior fractured that picture and I had to learn in Al-Anon that I had both a wife that I thought high of and loved and an alcoholic/addict who I wanted to be very far from. She had the choice of which one I was around at first and then I found the program to learn I also had choices. I use to diminish the "story" of our "family disease" at first until I found out that I needed to hear myself tell it all in order to see the picture of how I and we lived clearly otherwise I held excuses not to make necessary changes. I came to understand how my choices within the disease I knew nothing about caused me so much problems and I needed to know. When I started knowing I learned to make better choices without second guessing myself and with the courage to act them out. Alcoholism and drug addiction are fatal diseases which also involve emotional and mental illness and injury; not only for the drinker and user and also for the spouses and family involved.
The face to face meetings are so important and saved my sanity and life. The literature that is available also is great and I suggest you look for it at the meeting and at afg.org. MIP has online meetings that you can attend twice daily check out the times which are EST on our face page and come participate. You have family now on this site...all around the planet. Welcome (((((hugs)))))
Thank you Jerry. I'm having a pretty spectacularly bad day so reading your message was welcome. I hope I can learn be a source of support for everyone here. :)
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The standard you walk past is the standard you accept.
You are not an ass and there is nothing to be ashamed of...often that was the reason for me isolating myself from friends, family, al anon meetings and me. I used to shiver before I would enter al anon meetings, but once I was there I was so glad I did it. I took action on my behalf and I was proud of myself. I was angry, too, because I did not want to be bothered by another commitment. Let us know how it goes!