The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH has been in recovery for 4 years. He goes to meetings almost daily, has 1 or 2 sponsees, not sure if he still works with a sponsor-he never mentions it if he does-and has not relapsed BUT he is still very much like a dry drunk. He has very little ability to handle any type of uncomfortable feelings and often lashes out at me for this-just like he did when he was drinking. We've tried therapy, but he's quit twice. This has gotten much worse as I have begun setting boundaries and refuse to engage in any type of arguing with him. If I don't engage, he says I'm not committed to the relationship and if I try to set a boundary on how I want to be treated he calls me names and says I should just be happy he's sober, that I'm asking too much. Funny thing is, I don't ask him to do anything differently anymore when I set a boundary, I just tell him what I plan to do differently to take care of myself and that really pisses him off for some reason. He thought it was absurd and selfish when I told him my own serenity was my #1 priority.
Anyway, I am not sure that I can stay in this relationship, he can be absolutely cruel (not physically). But I don't know how I can leave when we have 4 kids together. Yes, 4, all still at home ages 7-14. I know even with Alanon, therapy, and lots of knowledge about this disease, his words and behavior can still be very difficult to live with. Even when I don't take it personally. How do I knowingly let my kids be alone with him 50% of the time? I know I'm also teaching them a different lesson by staying. As my oldest daughter has gotten to be a teenager, I see AH pulling more of his crap on her as she tries to differentiate herself, and I see how much it hurts her. I feel like I spend a lot of time "coaching" my kids with Alanon lessons. How do I do that if I'm not even there when AH pulls his crap on them? I know I can't control this and I'm fooling myself if I think otherwise. I am trying to hand the outcome of this to HP. I know the solution won't come from little old me. I'm not even sure how I can possibly handle working full time, 4 busy kids, a house, pets, finances, etc. plus dealing with their emotional turmoil after a separation and AHs bad behavior-he will badmouth me, he will blame me, he already does. This is why I have to surrender it. If I think about it logically, it's way too overwhelming.
I guess I'm hoping for ESH if anyone did leave their A, how did you handle the fear about your kids? Was it worth it? As your kids got older, did they understand why you left? How did you surrender this? Or prayers, I'll take prayers if you're the praying type :)
Prayers for you! I don't have the answers for you from ESH so much. I left an A that I was not.married to and had no kids. All I can really say is that you will make that decision if you really need to and it will come when the fall out is less of a fear than staying. I can understand wanting to protect the younger ones more, but even they have their own HP and you are not it. They will have to come up with their own ways of negotiating their dad. It is their journey to have.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Saturday 3rd of January 2015 08:47:09 AM
I separated from and divorced my abusive spouse. Not everything he said or did was alcohol related or alcoholism related. Whether it was or wasn't, I made choices to limit my exposure and the kids exposure to his abuse. Therapists, Al-Anon, good friends all could not erase for me the truth that I am not a person who wants to spend a large percentage of my time with some who is continually critical or inflammatory or down stroking me and I don't want to spend all my time trying to find ways to cope with it. There are people who are not abusive and those are the people I want to be with. I can say that even those I divorced him - my kids were still harmed in various ways. I couldn't protect them from everything. The best I could do was limit the amount of time he spent with them. When my daughter got to be about 15 or 16 years old, she let her Dad know exactly what she thought of how he talked about me and how he talked to her. It surprised him and made more of a difference than me saying it to him. She stopped interacting with him for awhile, too, and would not go out to where he lived to stay for a month. I didn't encourage any of this. These were decisions she made for herself. He learned she wouldn't be around if he wanted to act like an a**. My son chose to live with his Dad at age 14. When he reached his early 20s he talked to his Dad exactly the way his Dad talked to him. His Dad saw what he trained my son to do and to say. He began to change his way of speaking and saw what he had done to me, too. Whatever you choose to do, it will only last if you know in your heart of hearts there is no other way.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 2nd of January 2015 09:22:53 PM
You sound pretty clued up and not in denial which really is half the battle. The denial keeps you in the dark. I left my ex, we had three children. By the time i left they were aged 17,15 and11. It wasnt easy, brought its own issues but now we are all about 6 ish years on, we are all dojng so muchbetter, even the alcoholic. Our family had become very unhappy and dysfunctional and there looked to be no way out.
You said that your husband is cruel and mean. Have you tried setting boundaries? Im sure you have but before alanon i didnt really know what that meant. I took abuse too but i began setting clear simple boundaries like, if you talk to me that way i will leave the room then i did, each and every time. If they followed i would leave the house for a while. It stopped really quickly, i found it worked the way a toddler learns to sleep in its own bed, it took about a week or so of consistent behaviiur from me and change happened. It does sound simplistic but i had tried reasoning, nagging, crying, pleading all the rest and just not putting up with it ended it. I found i couldnt teach my children what i didnt know myself and real learning happens through example so if you get yourself to alanon, learn it like your families life depended on it then you will set your children an excellent example. Also, alateen for them will help.
I like what El-cee says. Walking away and not participating in his game makes a statement. I got to the point where I refused to be his whipping post, he wanted to pass his hurt onto me and I didn't want to take it anymore. My daughter was angry at ME for letting my ex treat me the way he did.
__________________
I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I separated from and divorced my abusive spouse. Not everything he said or did was alcohol related or alcoholism related. Whether it was or wasn't, I made choices to limit my exposure and the kids exposure to his abuse. Therapists, Al-Anon, good friends all could not erase for me the truth that I am not a person who wants to spend a large percentage of my time with some who is continually critical or inflammatory or down stroking me and I don't want to spend all my time trying to find ways to cope with it. There are people who are not abusive and those are the people I want to be with
************************************************ I like what everyone said, but this kinda sums it up for me.....with AH#1, the abusive one, I just got tired of "working" so hard on a dead relationship that was NOTHING but a curse to me..........like a ledger card, i put all the pros and cons on a list..........arguements to keep trying with him on the left side.......arguments to leave him on the right..........the right side of the ledger (reasons to bail) so far out weighed the reasons to stay, it was clear for me that I needed to permanently remove myself bc it was simple....I had to save ME....i had to take care of ME b/c he was sucking the life out of me.....and I did leave...now, thanks to alanon, I go where the love is.....i am no longer abused, mistreated, used or whatever b/c i remove me from it...........i took myself out of the bargain basement and placed me with the valuables under the glass and that is now what i feel about me......low self esteem, fear of future, shame, feeling like I "invested so much" in him all kept me prisoner for a while, but as pinkchip said, the fallout from leaving was much better than having to stay in his dark place with him.........
I feel for you...u have kids that are young......makes it tough.........i had 2 girls....not his.......seeing me be abused did harm to them.....1 is in recovery and doing ok with it...the other is not in recovery and i have had problems with her to the extent that i had to put some distance from her.....I am done with abuse, no matter what the source......It eats you from the inside out.....verbal abuse is just as bad/damaging as physical abuse.....the victim loses all sense of self, safety, healthy structure, self esteem, and then they victimize themselves with being a codependent, perfectionist, people pleaser, self sabotaging, fear based....the list of damages/injuries from any form of abuse goes on and wears at and beats the victim down to the point that they are years in therapy/recovery and they have life time of issues...I know I do...I will be in recovery for LIFE.....ALL because of I was ABUSED.......to this day, I am not that into "humans" except my family of choice and few great friends and my recovery mates.......I know part of it is that i am reserved..cautious...wary, not a natural "people person" anyway, etc., but I also am this way over being subjected to too much abuse, kinda "not into humans"
if you must stay, i would just disconnect...walk away when he starts his crap....live my own life....get the kids into alateen or take them with you to alanon.....i would just live my life as though I were single....I have a friend in this situation.....she can't leave b/c they have a business together and she wants to protect her assets, so she just goes to writing classes., works, rescues her little yorkie dogs, completely lives a life separate from him.....its as though they are roomates.....she just unhitched herself from him...yea, they are parked in the same railway station, but her journey is on an entirely different set of tracks........IN SUPPORT
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
