Concerns .. - Al-Anon Family Group

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Concerns ..

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

I think your gut instinct is always right my friend. Why fuel the fire for something you can't even solve.

((( hugs ))) and prayers you do the next right thing

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Prayers to you serenity.x

Green Eyes · ~*Service Worker*~

"When in doubt, don't." That motto has served me well many times when dealing with the A's in my life. Sending you a big hug and lots of support right now. Try to detach as best you can...

akk · Member

Love"when in doubt,don't." I have an ongoing situation with AD about visiting her in the hospital, and it was real tough today. I kept busy, thought about how I was so uncertain about going and realized that if i felt thisxway, I shouldn't go. Now I have a phrase to connect to. Thanks.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

I have chosen not to respond and I have already phoned the police to file an incident report.

Actually I wouldn't have taken that route however it looks like the STBNW got involved and the second text I received 2 hours later was written by her. I think it scares me more to realize how she's covering for him at this point because if she's already covering (let's hope she is or his bi-polor is in full swing) at least the second text would make sense.

I'm hoping that they will go by his residence and let him know NOT to contact me again until this matter has been resolved in court.

Done isn't the 1/2 of it.

Both texts have me very rattled and unnerved because they are so polar opposite.

Feeling better just thought we were past this part of the deal.

S :)

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

PS - I have had no contact with him since Octoberish at this point there is nothing to discuss everything has and will be handled by the atty's and the judge .. I'm just completely done.

buddy1 · Newbie

hi

i think you should do whats right for your kids safety if you think he might harm them in any way dont allow them to be with him when your not there

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

My children choose if they see their dad or not via the parenting agreement. Thankfully while we don't have alateen they do have a therapist they see regularly. It's been a long road. They choose not to see him alone and they choose how much time they spend with him. It is their relationship to have, under these circumstances though and thankfully they had already decided NOT to see him this weekend. I'm very glad they have that power in their relationship because I imagine that it would feel very helpless to know there was no choice.

Jen61 · ~*Service Worker*~

Be safe and positive thoughts are going your way!

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Prayers Serenity....you have good instincts.

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Sending prayers. If it helps, your post resonates-
1- shortly after my exAH married his AW, he called me at 2 am and started going off on me. Whatever had him spinning into that spiral didn't belong on my side of the street. It was nothing that I could help him with. I calmly told him he wasn't making any sense and couldn't behave like this anymore. I gently said good bye and was surprised when he calmly did too.
2- the AW immediately took control of my exAH's cell phone and emails where all his messages are read and answered by her. If my daughter receives any communication from her "dad", it is written by the AW and must be taken with a grain of salt. A direct communication between my daughter and her dad is not possible, even if she wanted it. As horrible as it is to say, it appears that my exAH is relieved in the sense of no longer having to be responsible.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

OMGOSH Bud .. I hear you and yes .. I think that's part of the rage he has going on is that he is required by his kids to keep the emotional bond going .. what I came to realize was that the second text was probably worse than the first because he's so completely cold in it. Not just towards me .. towards the kids too. He loves his children. Of course he's going to pay support and so on. That text was just as unsettling as the first one. If not more so because it was just calculated.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

you are a very strong, wise mom! I love how you protect your kids! Also I sure do support you to not have any contact! So glad you don't. I wish more people would get that.

It's so refreshing how you allow the kiddos to make the decision to see him or not!

LOVE seeing all your progress! hugs

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

I did speak to the police .. actually God's timing and sense of humor .. I ran into one at a coffee shop and we chatted he read the text looks at me and says umm .. this guy is drunk and he's crazy. THANK YOU!! I feel better hearing that from a professional person because it makes me feel that I'm not reading anything into things. As I spoke to him I realized that I actually have some other options and I will be operating out of that knowledge. It may get even more ugly based upon the fact there could be some serve repercussions for the XAH and his STBW, that is so not my issue or problem. This year is MY year and he's going to get a fully clear message of not screwing around with me. The officer was funny because he could see the lights coming on and my mind clicking. I did tell him when you look this up you will see this is not the first time I've had this issue. It will bring it all up.

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm glad you have the extra validation- I remember feeling so invisible for so long that I thought no one else could see the crazy-making. Also good to know that you found additional options and I'd like to offer one more- that every year be your year!

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

HA HA .. yes Bud .. this year and every year after is MY year :) Well I was able to email my atty and she validated just in stating she was so sorry that I was feeling unsafe under these circumstances.

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

perfect

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

In the low functioning, drunken scheme of things - his actions all make perfect sense Serenity...

Sad but true! I'm guessing the semiconscious inner dialog goes something like "That #$#^ is blocking me from moving on in my life! I have found another enabler and she is in my path to just setting my life back up the way it was with a trained enabler and no extra obligations! I hate my ex-wife. I want to run away so I can start over and not have any wreckage of my past!"

And how sad is it that he's about to get married again with this mindset? Who would possibly want to marry someone with issues like that? Hazarding a guess: Some naïve woman with low self-esteem that has bought every word of his stories about you being evil, souring his relationship with his own kids and going after his paycheck in everyway possible.

That's the world he and they are living in (throw in getting drunk other random dysfunction). Now - Back to your world that includes a job you like, friends, children that you are raising with values and esteem.... Keep on moving and leave the mess behind you.

-- Edited by pinkchip on Sunday 4th of January 2015 08:42:02 AM

-- Edited by pinkchip on Sunday 4th of January 2015 08:42:33 AM

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

And maybe - just maybe - the new gf is seeing what is true and putting pressure on him to make some changes that he doesn't want to make - so suddenly - it has become your fault because after all - if you had just kept quiet and accepted him and his drinking - he wouldn't have to be dealing with this new "B" in his life and not having a home to call his own, a good job and the luxury of drinking in peace.

My "x" blamed me for his drug use - even going so far as to tell his new gf, soon to be wife - that the reason he used drugs was because I had had an affair with his brother. My kids overheard this and came home with my son aghast that I'd have an affair with his uncle, my daughter madder then heck because she knew it wasn't true and had told her Dad and his new gf that. I called his brother - "Did you know that you and I had an affair?" "What?????!!!!!!!!" "According to your brother, we did, and its the reason he uses drugs." "I'll take care of it," said brother. The ngf went ahead and married him and became his new wife and was accused of having affairs until he walked out on her and their daughter when she was 8 months pregnant.

There are no lengths to which this disease won't go to convince the world that the host is a victim and if only the world would change, then the person could be happy and stop using.

Program helped me recognize the disease in its many guises and to just let it say what its going to say without upsetting me as it once had the power to do. I recognized that the disease loved to blame me for whatever got in the way of its desire to keep living and only acted when it made sense to act.

Glad to see you did what you could do to say "no" to its bs and to find someone who saw it and understood what was happening, too.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

HOLY COW PINK!! Now I'm sooo laughing .. the reason I'm laughing is because what my late 60's early 70's shrink said when he heard the ex was remarrying .. OMGOSH .. someone buy that woman a vibrator .. how desperate can you be?! now I'm telling you I HOWLED .. I almost choked because this is a level headed kind hearted man who always redirects the focus to where it's suppose to be on ME. LOL! My understanding is her last relationship was a nightmare walking so I have big concerns about her self esteem and how it will affect the kids. You are absolutely right and the second text I got was apologizing for the first text not what was said really just that he sent it is how I took it. Again spot on that this makes perfect sense to him. His thinking is so screwy at this point he has lost his mind.

What I really go back to is has this man not met me yet? What he really doesn't get is his action and also lack of action is going to cause him tremendous issues. He thinks once the decree is signed we are done with court and the reality is NOOOOOO we are not there are still 2 items reserved AND he went and created a new one nothing to do with what is going on currently, the worst part of this deal is the fact that someone at his new job has sidelined the uniform order of support and ohhhh honey not only will he be in jail that company is in a WORLD of trouble if that is what has happened .. I mean it's going to be bad. His entire focus is about the money, that's what that text was about, the kids and money, maintenance and money, not paying for his daughter's contacts .. LMAO .. I mean I should copy and paste it here if nothing else it's just insane. I mean seriously .. you read the text and go yup .. that's a drunk text. I mean seriously who doesn't know their atty is out of town and who sends a text like that on a Friday afternoon? Well someone who has distorted/drunk thinking that's who.

When this is done fully and I hope it is sooner than later preferably when he has a job .. LOL .. ugh .. I already know the STBW will bail him out. I hope she plans on tapping her 401k she's going to need it for the atty fees. I'm just sitting in awe going WOW. We are divorced .. I talked to my atty about it in passing and she said .. there is no reason either of you can't get married and of course I fake gagged .. LOL .. thank you no I'm good. Again as far as the decree .. signed .. his atty is on vacation .. umm .. ya think he might have checked that first.

Grateful .. spot on as well .. when he called our daughter and you should have seen what the text said about that .. OMGOSH I was furious however kept it together .. that poor kid is just in the middle of a crap storm and I feel awful for her because I can tell she thinks this is all her fault and it's NOT. She's been in good spirits as of last night and I'm soooo grateful for her friends and their families they have really stepped up for us this weekend. I'm just so glad he has not contacted her further at this point. The text goes on about HIS son D, he gets that E is busy that's fine he wants to see HIS son. WHATEVER .. go home Leroy you are drunk! Now that's what I'm thinking .. not what I said .. LOL. I said nothing .. I just rolled my eyeballs until they did the whole slot machine deal. I know that part of the issue too is that he sees the kids and freaks out because seriously .. when you lie so much you don't know who you have told what story to .. I mean who wants their fantasy to crash in with reality. If this woman isn't questioning a few things at this point she is just straight up stupid. Even I had to face a few truth at the beginning of things and there wasn't this going on. I had to laugh to myself because I would LOVE to hear the stories he's telling about me to her. Umm .. I'm not contacting him, I'm not wanting him back, I'm not in anyway engaging him. At what point do you go hmm .. something smells foul in Denmark? The kids spend an hour with their dad no more and no less .. well less because he has it that way. Listen that 2nd text not ONE word about visitation again .. ALL ABOUT MONEY!

Something else I realized was that he needed me to engage him the way the text was worded he was desperate for me to engage him .. S? Is this you? (I've had the same number for years .. LOL) the hooks that were thrown to get me to respond were at least 20 and when I didn't 2 hours later I got another text. NOOOOO question marks this time all statements. So he needed me to relieve the tension he was feeling and oh honey .. hell to the no .. go play with the STBW .. I've retired from that game so not on my list of things to do.

The second text made me throw up a little in my mouth as he went on about wanting to enhance and rebuild his relationship with his children .. UGH UGH UGH .. whatever .. umm .. not seeing the kids until I know you are mentally stable or are getting help. They don't need to be involved with crazy I and crazy II because they have had enough of that game.

The kids had allowed themselves to come to a place of false hope that their dad was going to be ok. He had a new woman and maybe things could at least have some sense of normalcy and unfortunately this hit them both between the eyes and it's a cruel reality. They didn't get the dad they deserve .. they got the dad that they have the opportunity to gain some seriously life skills from and that's not all bad. Should they have gotten the dad they deserve .. umm .. of course .. they got the dad I picked for them .. that's a rough guilt to try and let go of.

The standing joke at the house which is completely inappropriate however being that it's my warped humor is that they don't need to worry about having a man around apparently it's starting to be known I have enough cohunes to fill that role too. The look I get from them is pretty funny .. lol.

Anyway, I'm so laughing right now thank you ... work is good, friends are good, family is good, .. I have a LOT to be grateful for and I am grateful to putting it mildly. I raise a lot of hell at work and love it. We laugh a lot. I really enjoy the people and I think the feeling is mutual. I do have the crazy coworker however there is talk of facing her towards the wall which would be a good thing .. LOL. Outside of that I love love love what I do.

Ohhh I had a good conversation with my Sponsor last night and we were howling over the text .. I mean when you really look at it .. I wish I could convey the crazy talk in it. LOL!! Ok so what are you doing? You are getting married this weekend or next weekend? When are you going to South America? You don't want to pay for your daughter's contacts? You don't care if they take your license and put you in jail you aren't paying support because you are getting another atty. Which by the way you haven't paid the last atty. To open the alimony part of the deal would cost more than you are going to pay me in alimony for the next 3 years .. umm .. oookkk .. you do that and let me know how that's working out for you. My favorite part were the typo's in the first message. Ohhh NOOOO MENTION of the wedding in the second text .. so I mean seriously it's like ooookkkk. That was his way of letting me know I guess? Again .. go home Leroy .. you are soooo DRUNK!!

Hugs S :)

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