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My alcoholic ex was my enemy for years. I gave him that role in my life while we were together at times and when we split up before i got alanon. Hes not my enemy hes never been my enemy. Its my perception thats changed. I think working the alanon program takes us on a a journey to a place of balance. My view of my ex is more and more nuetral and i think thats about acceptance and rational tbought. If we dont accept alcoholism as a disease and the bad behavours as symptoms of a disease then the alcoholic is going to have this high status of the enemy, the wrong doer in our lives. As soon as we view them as being enemys then we have brought ourselves down to be victims, weve also given a sick person an awful lot of power in our minds. To see the alcoholic as them and ourselves as us then i think our thinking is part of our disease.
Its difficult to gain clarity while in the midst of it. Living with the chaos day in and out means were more concerned with surviving than of taki g a step back to see whats really going on. Confusion and chaos are needed for the disease to progress in the whole family. Its not easy to consider that just about every shortcoming you can identify in the alcoholic in our life the same shortcoming exists within us.
My enemy was the desire to please or get along with the A. Once I recognized that I couldn't please or get along with an active A, I chose to desire serenity and to do whatever I needed to do to have peace in my life.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 2nd of January 2015 03:45:55 PM
I agree...I gave way too much power over to the A's in my life.....as i take my power back through program , these people impact me less and less b/c i can LEAVE now.....not b4, but now...I can pack up my toys and GO!!!! and as you said..they are very very sick.....not excusing thier behaviour bc they COULD get into recovery, but seeing them as sick, realizing that they are very very sick explains the behaviour....whats really sick is they can arrest this...they can get help.....i bet people with cancer, alzheimer's, MS to name just a few wish they had a place to go arrest their disease.....just saying.............great post, el-cee
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Thanks for posting this el-cee. My f2f group cancelled our last two meetings because of the holidays, and I'm really missing them. I'm falling into that "poor pitiful me" way of thinking. Yep, I'm the classic victim. Why am I such an addict to this sick and stupid way of thinking???
" If we dont accept alcoholism as a disease and the bad behavours as symptoms of a disease then the alcoholic is going to have this high status of the enemy, the wrong doer in our lives. As soon as we view them as being enemys then we have brought ourselves down to be victims, weve also given a sick person an awful lot of power in our minds. "
This is so true. Thanks for the reminder.
It works if you work it.
-- Edited by cloudyskies on Sunday 4th of January 2015 07:58:45 PM
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Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold O-on P-pain E-ends
My home meetings were also off, i did manage to go into the city to an excellent meeting and went to a couple here but im so looking forward to my meeting thjs week. I cant go two weeks either. The negativity comes back. Its lifelong for me i think.x
agree with Linda, too....also el-cee this was a hell of a post.....we do give them power when we call them the enemy....they are just addicts...a sick , very sick person.....i really can feel more compassion for them, but that does not ever mean i will ever romance one again, or get too close to one, or trust them with anything...
(I am talking about the ones who are NOT sober and NOT in AA working their asses off to stay sober...I am only talking about ACTIVE alcoholics).........
they are not an enemy, they are just one whom i must detach from to protect me.....my A brother is on another "vodka sabatical/retreat" he will be sick for a few days then re-surface and while the world goes on w/out him for those days, he always finds someone or something to fault for the things that went wrong while he was MIA.......
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Thats sad neshema, its a horrible disease that keeps taking.
you know, i think one of the favorite tools of the darkness to take man out is alcohol and drugs......such a battle to stay sober for the few who make it.....sooo sad....and yea, it keeps taking and wreaking destruction.......i guess its a stark reminder for us to stay humble , stay honest, stay working our program if we are gonna survive this life.......
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I can't truly be in the company of someone who drinks for very long. I don't see them as the enemy, but I can see what is harmful for me and I must move away. I do have some friends who have an occasional wine but there is a big difference between somebody who can drink a wine now and then and somebody who is openly or secretly "in their cups" for me. They're simply not really there. Its as if somebody took the real person away and put in an imposter. The older I get the more I recognize I simply can't be around the stuff or people who drink to excess. There is no judgment. Just a moving away from what to me is a hornet's nest as it is written in one of our readers. It hurts to move away from somebody I once shared life with and yet it hurts more to stay with a person who is actively diseased and can't or won't go for help.
Its as if somebody took the real person away and put in an imposter. The older I get the more I recognize I simply can't be around the stuff or people who drink to excess. There is no judgment. Just a moving away from what to me is a hornet's nest as it is written in one of our readers. It hurts to move away from somebody I once shared life with and yet it hurts more to stay with a person who is actively diseased and can't or won't go for help.
WOW!!!! that is so spot on....or someTHING took the real person away.......oh yea, i agree......my BIL, who was married to my oldest adoptive sister died from the disease.....I loved "Bibby" to death, he was the only big bro. who cared about me...he and my sis would take me on their dates so i would not feel left out....they married, he drank bad, real bad and she left him b/c she didn't want to see him die and he was going.....it killed him, sure enough, it took him away....i will always miss the real Bibby...the one that the booze took away.......and I too, won't go there....can't be around excessive drinking......a beer here and there and I want to EAT.....can't stand substance abuse of any kind......i have to leave....brings back too many bad memories AND its just not healthy for me....end of story!!! i will care about them, pray for them, but i am GONE
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I understand. There was a time in my life when other people's drinking didn't bother me - no matter how drunk they got. I figured if I wasn't doing it, then what they did was nobody's business. I just can't tolerate it anymore. Maybe my time in that classroom has ended? Maybe yours did, too?
I understand. There was a time in my life when other people's drinking didn't bother me - no matter how drunk they got. I figured if I wasn't doing it, then what they did was nobody's business. I just can't tolerate it anymore. Maybe my time in that classroom has ended? Maybe yours did, too?
me too, i used to drink and get high with them, even...how sick is that??? I was self medicating...for me during those times, I was in so much pain, i couldn't stand life unless I was High........AND i wanted so bad to fit in......now?? looking back, i see that i was one very sick little codependent who was willing to jeopardize her own health to be away from her pain and to be accepted..even if it was crumbs......now, in alanon, i can't stand to be around the abusing it crowd......and yea, maybe our classroom time re: this has ended??? i think you might be onto something here...its like i feel compassion, (newly acquired working the program) but in NO way, do i want to "go there" ever again.......
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
