The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I did not know my husband was an alcoholic. We've been married 16 years. When we met he drank O'Douls. He began drinking an occasional real beer about three years ago when he retired. Now its almost every day.
I thought he was a narcissist because he has a complete lack of empathy, manipulates me, a very strong sense of entitlement, and unreasonable expectations.We had had serious problems with porn, money lies, etc.
I called his ex wife and found out he had a serious drinking past including DUIs and nightly bars. Both his parents died of cirrhosis of the liver. All 5 of his siblings are alcoholics.
Now I wonder if it is really narcissism or if the symptoms were that of a dry drunk?
What should I expect now that he is drinking again? Is there anything I should know about after a 13 year relapse?
I would think you have pretty much been living with an alcoholic. Now you may have more understanding and support since you know what your living with. I'd hang on to alanon with all ten fingers and all ten toes and attend face to face meetings as often as possible.
I'm so sorry and I may speak for a lot of us here when I say that mental illness and alcoholism seem to be two sides of the very same coin!
You can expect that the behaviors will worsen as the disease progresses. Al-Anon is the solution for you. We get beat up by the disease and lose our focus on ourselves in our effort to change what we can't change - them. Although we are powerless over them and their disease, we are not powerless over the effects of the disease on us and need the medicine of Al-Anon to avoid given our entire lives over to supporting and enabling the disease in ways we aren't even aware. Keep coming back.
Hi Robin, I can relate. My husband was dry when we married and stayed dry for the first 15 years of our marriage. He started drinking again about 4 years ago and I've been through a lot in that time. Those first 15 years I thought that maybe he was bipolar, maybe it's just really bad anxiety, maybe he has a personality disorder, etc but really I know now that he was a dry drunk. He also has those mental health issues, but I knew that the alcoholism and the mental health issues were tied together in some way.
Both his parents were alcoholics and my dad was, as well. I met him when I was young and naive and didn't really understand mental health issues or alcoholism so I think that's why I floundered when I was trying to label it all.
I second the suggestion to go to Al Anon. It has saved my life. Try a few different meetings, if you can find them in your area. As to what you can expect, I again suggest you go to Al Anon because you will hear people's stories. For me, my AH got a DUI, spent time in jail, we paid thousands in court costs, lawyer fees, etc. Then he had an interlock device on his car and he tried to start it while drunk twice and the DMV judge sentenced him to a 6 month continuation of his interlock, costing us another $600.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this disease. But, the more you understand it, the better you will feel and the better equipped you will be to make decisions that impact your own life positively.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Alcoholism is a progressive chronic disease that can be arrested but never cued We who live with the disease become adversely affected and require a program of our own to recover.
What you need tot know is that you are powerless over his disease but that there is hope and help for you. Alanon face to face meetings held in most communities is that answer
Please check the white pages for the hot line number and attend
Wow, andromeda. I'm so excited to find someone going through the same thing! I've been in Al-Anon for over a month now. I love it. I listen to the youtube daily.
My DD started login this week in another state (her husband is a prescription drug addict). It is a blessing!
He is not drinking daily but he is drinking often, about a case of beer a week. I assume it will get worse? Was that your experience?
My experience was that my wife's drinking kept getting progressively worse. Everything was normal for us, could have alcohol no problem. but once she reached a certain age, she started a glass of wine every night. After awhile it became a bottle. After a while it became a bottle of vodka that I had that would magically disappear. She even mentioned it, it happened rarely but enough that it scared her.
After a while the occasional bottle of vodka became the bottle of vodka every few nights, passed out on the couch. My 11-year-old son took me aside one day saying he had found two empty bottles and was worried. That was when my sales of denial finally started to drop.
She kept that up after one rehab and two DUIs. She finally became fully committed to a good AA and rehab program, and she has now been sober over a year. But it was a lot of work.
And a lot of work for me in Al Anon. I'm so happy you are participating so actively like you are. The promises of Al Anon are all becoming real in my life, I hope they do in your life as well very soon.
I thought he was a narcissist because he has a complete lack of empathy, manipulates me, a very strong sense of entitlement, and unreasonable expectations.We had had serious problems with porn, money lies, etc.
is this the same guy who molested your daughter???? if so, he is a narcissist to me and a beast to do something so wicked to a young child...I hope the girl got lots of therapy and support b/c that kind of evil damages a child's trust, innocence, potential, for life if not addressed right away and LOADS of therapy and support is given that child.........
People like him all feel entitlement, they objectify their family, friends, etc...its all about them......what u r describing and pornography??? ...the disease does not make a porn freak out of someone...that is in them...nor does the disease create child molesters, that is already in them....all the booze does is bring out latent tendencies already inside of this person.....
yes, the disease makes them awful to live with, but my 2nd Ex NEVER would harm a child or view porn which to me is as bad as adultery, lusting after women he sees on tv, YIKES!!!
i am glad you showed up at alanon, because if you want to stay with this man, your going to need ALL of alanon that you can latch onto....for me??? the sexual deviance would do it for me, but i get that some women are stuck (finances, small children) I hope u have NO female children around him, as they are at risk.....i understand the ODAT that grateful offered up to you, which i loved and with the exception of imminent danger , i agree with the ODAT plan........sometimes , tho, we just have to put our chin to the wind and LEAVE...especially when u r talking about potential danger to the children.......I would find a way to be gone....i am a survivor of child sex abuse...I am in recovery for life b/c my bio sire could not keep his pants up, not even at home..he was too lazy and devient to go out and find an adult woman who might be his equal, so he picked on young girls 13- 16 years of age....my cousin has issues b/c he harmed her, but i got the worst b/c i was living there...mother did not protect me from this....i will have emotional issues for the rest of my life............please , if there are little females in the home, don't let them go through what I did.....
No HP that i know of is gonna want a female child or ANY child put at risk....so no worries about HP not approving of you getting rid of this guy.....
if there are no young ones at risk, and its just you and him, i guess you will know , in time, what you want to do.....however on another post of yours, i read about a daughter being molested and to me??? there would be no question in my mind if this were my situation, what i would do....
Isn't there something in the bible that reads to the affect that "woe be unto he who causes a little one to stumble???" or "better to tie a millstone around your neck and be dropped in the deepest sea than to bring harm to a child"
I am not a bible reader, I don't really buy into it or organized religion , but i remember this counsellor of mine telling me that when i wanted to know "what happened to my offender" And my mother who enabled him and allowed this abuse to happen to me and she told me that.....i was like "wow, when it comes to children and their safety, Jesus didn't mince his words how he felt about those who would let harm come to a child"
i understand your being stuck and i empathise, but if there are young females in the home, its your duty to make them safe......
I do hope you utilize alanon meetings and find a good sponsor to help you with the steps, et al, b/c this program is a miracle ...it saved my life...
-- Edited by neshema2 on Monday 5th of January 2015 08:11:45 PM
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
My 2nd husband (now deceased) molested my daughter from my first marriage. No children are at risk in this marriage (except for being child of alcoholic).
This is my third husband we have two boys. He is into porn and I agree it is as bad as adultery. I'm almost 60 with a small income. I'm staying, to be honest, for his pension and life insurance. I still have two teenage boys to support.
Robin: I can certainly appreciate the dilemma you are facing. Meetings, fellowship, Al-Anon literature, steps, slogans and suggestions may be of great help to you in answering your questions and concerns. Keep coming back for support here, too.
Aloha Robin good that you are hanging in here and getting the feedback from the family. I am responding to your last post and your reason for staying because it got me in the recovery lessons I got from my Al-Anon sponsor who impressed upon me that the consequences I was living with and in were the result of my choices. When I inventoried the consequences which are many because this disease affects so many areas and levels in life I came to understand.
Alcoholism is described in part as a fatal disease and I came to learn more that the fatal condition didn't mean just the drinker. My 2nd wife was the alcoholic/addict and she would drink until she either passed out or was so incapacitated at times that fatal was only inches or minutes away. Additionally when I finally got into Al-Anon I was very near to a suicide myself. The ones that die often are not the ones that drink. When she drank and used and behaved in the most insane manners I use to get rageful and physically assault her...that is another avenue toward fatality as is driving under the influence (whether the drinker or not) or assaulting others and the police and more. While I thought it would never happen to me the progressive nature of the disease changed that and everything started to come into the picture. Pensions can be garnished and attached to pay hospital bills and losses and if you check his life insurance make sure there is no clause that tells the reader that alcoholism isn't a natural cause.
Al-Anon told me that if I kept and open mind Ii would find help and open mindedness has paid off so much over the years for me. I am powerless over the disease of alcoholism and addiction and many many other things. The lessons on choosing the consequences I desired before doing the behavior were gold.
Good to have you here. Stick with the program and keep coming back to the MIP Family. (((((hugs)))))
Hi again Robin. I am sorry some of us got confused about which husband molested your daughter. sometimes the written word can be hard to decipher online.
in my experience, my husband's drinking got worse. so did the problems with money and work. My husband has lost hi family...we moved out last March. He has been to jail. He got fired from his job. We are losing our house to foreclosure. I believe alcohol is at the root of our problems. When i started going to al anon...i found a sponsor and started working the steps. I became stronger as I learned to trust in a higher power that I would be ok without a man in my life.
Thank you for the clarification, I was waiting for your response. I understand your reasons for staying....after working a recovery program through al anon and surrendering to the wisdom/guidance of your higher power, your reasons for staying may not be enough to stay, or you will have gained peace around staying in the marriage. You will come to make your choices in a more surefooted, empowering way. Welcome aboard!
Robin, to answer your question: my AH is a binge drinker. He can control it for a while, go month without drinking but it seems that every 6 months or so there is an 'episode'. Whether it's when I get a phone call from out of state and he's left something at a strip club (his phone in their limo service) or a DUI or he crashes on his mountain bike because he's riding it drunk.
I stayed for the past three years for his insurance and income and pension. I just can't do it anymore. I am a bit younger than you and hope that I can make a fresh start and take care of myself for the future. You've gotten some great feedback here, hang in there, and do your best to find a meeting and get the help you need FOR YOU!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
My 2nd husband (now deceased) molested my daughter from my first marriage. No children are at risk in this marriage (except for being child of alcoholic).
This is my third husband we have two boys. He is into porn and I agree it is as bad as adultery. I'm almost 60 with a small income. I'm staying, to be honest, for his pension and life insurance. I still have two teenage boys to support.
Thanks.
Hey Robin, I hear ya, i have a small income...SS and PT work and its tough...yea, i am getting by, but not really prospering much...like if my house weren't paid for i would be screwed , then i had a bad 2014, even had to replace the car, lol..thank god i am frugal and saved up over 8 years and was able to pay cash for car...now i'm broke and starting over, re: saving some aside for the next disaster.....so i get what you are saying......money is not my god, but it is the only means of exchange we have (i have bartered b4 and it has worked) but for the most part, those dead presidents on that green paper, we gotta have........NOONE has the right to judge you and i hope you do what you gotta do, kids are being treated well, i can see why you hesitate.....hang out in alanon and wait about 6 months worth of program and see how ya feel...that is what i would do......i honestly, many times, have wished i had someone to share expenses with me....its hard, but i will never marry into drinking again.........take care...sending SUPPORT
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
