The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today my AH saw our daughter for the first time in 2 weeks. he was drinking for about a week or so of those two weeks, so i kept her safe with me. i told him i no longer wanted her to spend the night with him...due to his drinking habits and the fact i just cant trust him not to drink. so tonight he tried to convince me to let her stay overnight with him because his 18 yr old god daughter was staying over at the house too. the new thing i do for myself is to not answer him right away, so i told him i would call him back in a few minutes. i decided to not allow her to stay over. i stuck to my boundaries. even though the older daughter would have been there, i didnt want to allow him to change my boundary. so he accused me of just wanting to punish him. its all a big game to him. if he can take an inch, he will take a mile the next time. There is no predicitng when or if he will drink, so I am done worrying about it. she was with him all day today. he loves to compare his disease to my deceased dad's disease of kidney failure, diabetes and heart disease. my dad was an over eater also. so my AH asked me " did you punish your dad for killing himself by eating too much?"
wow. how immature can one be? i just have to let his words roll off me like water on a duck's back. I love the song "Shake it off". it's my mantra. if i dont shake it off..i would not be doing very well emotionally.
he also wont allow my older daughter to walk the dog. thats how he exerts his control. The last time my daughter visited from college and saw the dog, she whined for hours when she left according to him...therefore dog cannot go for a walk with one of the only people who has ever walked her. What profound logic!!
sometimes i dream about how a recovering alcoholic would act in our situation....in my dream he would say " sure, she can walk the dog. " and he wouldnt ask me about daughter spending the night. he would tell me he understands my fear. he wouldnt bring up my dead father either. only in my dreams.
anyway...i went on longer than i expected to. Happy New Year!! nothing feels different to me yet!!
-- Edited by Newlife girl on Friday 2nd of January 2015 01:45:02 AM
You're still sticking with recovery people so that's a positive. For many of us...for me...I kept doing the same things over and over again until I had enough and changed myself not even noticing if my alcoholic/addict was responding, reacting, or anything. When my outsides started matching my insides I started feeling the serenity. Keep con keeping on. You're not alone. In support. ((((hugs))))
Just some suggestions - not putting words in your mouth here but this is what I'd probably say:
"I'm not punishing you. You are punishing you and our daughter with your behavior." Click.
"I'm not punishing you, but making emotionally abusive comments about my deceased father is an attempt to punish me and now I evidently can't trust you not to play abusive head games with people including our daughter either. I have to think about if she should be see you at all now." Click.
or my personal favorite:
"Whatever" click.
If if he is putting it in texts, then you may have to set a boundary that you won't read his texts because he can't respond without being abusive. It may get to the point that you withhold daughter all together because of his emotionally abusing behaviors. You are under no obligation to endure abuse so that he can spend time with his daughter. He can wait until a parenting agreement is signed and then you can transfer her as set forth in the agreement with as minimal conversation as possible.
At first you will get a horrible rebound of complaining and accusations, but it's all an attempt to get you the play the game. Speak your truth and disengage. My ex-A also went for my family at the end. He was grasping pitifully at things to control me.
You are doing great. I just wanted to point out that there seems to be emotional abuse going on towards you that is also not acceptable and that boundaries could continue to evolve around that. Respecting your boundaries also means respecting you. I have pointed out to emotionally abusive people before that they can think and feel whatever they want, but if they chose to say emotionally abusive things to me, I will put up boundaries to not communicate with them at all.
In my experience, my x would see things exactly as he saw them. I'd get tangled up in going nowhere conversations and screaming matches out of frustration that affected both me and my kids adversely until my Mom said: "Cath, you are trying to reason as an adult with a person who is not reasonable or an adult." What she said was true and I quit wearing myself out and creating discord for my kids in our home by just saying what I needed to say and letting the chips fall where they fell.
thanks PC and grateful. I agree with you both. PC, yes I feel emotionally abused. Sometimes I have a hard time deciphering emotional abuse. Sad, but true. I guess I am used to going through it with my first husband too. I wanted to tell him that my dad was sick with multiple diseases...none of which involved being incoherent or emotionally abusive.
PC....I actually prayed for AH last night. I can only hope he would end up displaying the wonderful recovery you have shown all of us here. i always appreciate your help.
I really have to take the next step and find someone to serve him the papers.
You are doing great, NLG. Saying what you mean, meaning what you say and not saying it mean takes practice and it seems to me your practice is going great. The skills will get stronger and stronger...
Thank you much NLG! You have come so far in such a short time. I think in time, you will give him less and less power to hurt and bother you. It is challenging when you have such a long history and your heart is still in it to a degree. I know it sounds easy for me to come up with these matter of fact boundaries, but I am not in your shoes and I recognize that. Keep up the good work!
I agree with jerry, its good that your still willing and still here sharing your journey. As you progress and work through the steps you get to a place where he is what he is and will act how he acts with no effect on you. No need to jade its useless explaining or justifying, sometimes people cant hear you. If you concentrate on you, lookjng within you, what needs work inside you, you will look out at him less and less.
thank you everyone. Honestly, sometimes I get so exhausted from everything I am going through. it helps to come here. sometimes i dont have the energy to go to meetings. i am still dealing with foreclosure and lots of bills...with no help from him financially at all. i just keep going on somehow...
Sounds like you are getting healthier and learning boundaries to keep yourself out of the dysfunctions of old, that's why I love this program. I already hear a lot of growth from you and love hearing how open you are and how far you've come in such a short time. Sending you prayers, love and support in your journey!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
NLG...it is true what is said about working the program..."It works when we work it" and there are no guarantees or perfections we get to live it for a life time. You are doing the inventory steps finding out who NLG is...really is and the things to keep and the things to change. My sponsor told me he didn't want to read a forth from me that had more bad stuff than good because as he said "There is no such thing". I punished my alcoholic/addict wife...I didn't want to and I didn't like myself for it and I never wanted to do it in the first place and still I did it...at times...not all the time...at times. I had to give my inventories margin and mercy otherwise I would not survive the process.
I sense you are a very good person be that way to yourself...love yourself like you love others...enable yourself to get this program...Trust God and the ESH of those that came before you even if you are afraid when you do that. Do it in spite of the fear. I learned to feel fear and still do the recovery work. I feared because I didn't know lots of stuff that I thought I needed to know and then I learned I would know it sometime and when I did I would still have need to know more. We continue to learn on this journey. If you don't like punishing anyone...stop doing it. The opposite of fear is love...love anyway (Mother Teresa) Loving your alcoholic mostly means unconditional acceptance of who and what he is without attempting to alter him to fit your expectations...that then is the work. Unconditional Acceptance of the man for exactly who he is without the acceptance of what he does that harms you.
The first three steps of our program are distilled into "Trust God"...I like that...I am not God and there is one (God is) always with me...not my cho
Meetings are where the progress is nlg. In my experience being with other alanoners, getting hugs, listening to the preamble, steps and traditions then the readings. All that seeping into my brain and working on it every day got me better. Alanon gives you your own tools to live happily regardless of him. If your still waiting for him to change, him to wisen up and get a job and get sane and unless hes changed you cant be happy. If you still believe this deep down then your still in your disease. Its like if you had an illness and the doctor said go to meetings every week, would you go? Of course, well alanon is the medicine we need and meetings are the biggest dose of sanity. The idea that its all his fault and he has made you miserable so only he can make you not miserable is a hard one to let go of. Some people never do but your not giving up and you keep going, its within your reach, trust the process.
