The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been attending meeting for a few months now. I'm starting to "get it" I am grateful for Al-anon 1st step its a huge monkey off my back recognizing I have no control and giving it to God. I know that I cannot change him and he will never give me what I need. I've released the anger and have true compassion for him. (Trying to control everything got me nothing but heart disease).
One day at a time is also a HUGE help. I used to have the" illusion of control" when I had spyware on his computer and knew what was going on. Now I recognize it as an illusion. I begin each day giving it all to God and I'm listening to what he wants me to do.
But I'm still confused about walking the line between denial and boundaries. Allowing him to lie, cheat, and manipulate me?? There is ZERO trust (there have been other women) I know he lies daily. If I continue to let him lie and manipulate me am I waking in another kind of denial?
After you recognize you can't change him and work on yourself I guess you get to a place where you value yourself enough to set boundaries but maybe I'm not there yet? Or I don't know how to set them? How do you set a boundary about lying?
Any help appreciated. What should I read? Thank you,
Hi, Robin. Happy New Year. I have said "I don't believe you" or "Is that the truth?" sometimes in relationship to adults. With an active A, I'd be saying it all the time which is an exhausting process because it gets me nowhere. The boundaries I have set in relationship to people I intuit are lying to me or attempting to manipulate me is simply to say "no" to the game by not responding or by saying "no" to any plan they might have for my time, my energy, my money, my home, or my car. Of course, they might try to wear me down for awhile, but my motives are to take good care of myself and giving into the begging, the wheedling, the guilt trips would not be taking good care of myself. The natural consequence to their lying or manipulating would be not to get what they are trying to get from me. They aren't getting away with anything with me because I'm not allowing myself to be a bank, a cab, a food pantry, a nurse, a therapist or a person who will feel pity for a disease that has only its next fix on its agenda.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 1st of January 2015 09:48:18 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 1st of January 2015 09:58:43 PM
Hi,
Reminding myself to live in reality all the time!!! He may lie to me, but I never lie to me. I know what is going on and I then have choices. I don't choose to let him manipulate me, but I may choose to do what he wants because that is what I want too.
My response to a lie was always, "whatever"..... He really got sick of it and told me that when a spouse says that to their spouse what they are really doing is giving them the middle finger. Yup, that's what I was doing. You can't make sense out of nonsense.
Aloha Robin...good post and great lesson subject and exciting tool to practice. It has its own slogans and thought forces to carry with you to practice as often as you need to. Boundaries for me are behavioral tools for my mind, body, spirit and emotions. They let me know where and how far I decide to allow myself to move at all times. I set limits for myself even on how loud I will allow myself to talk and/or my body language. If I am feeling resentful I know from habit and experience that my voice will take on a volume and expression along with my body that will usually cause escalation of an issue I don't want to be participating in. I monitor my thinking, the what and the reason and since I have learned that I am responsible for what I think I get to decide the boundaries there also. Negative feelings cause me a lot of trouble especially when I allow them control so I have set boundaries by learning the opposite positive emotions of my negative ones. Keeping my body healthy and rested and relaxed is also very important and if I allow my body to behave in unhealthy ways I have boundaries I meet and then bring my physical system back into serenity. My Higher Power is the center of my boundary system...I am powerless and there is one power and that one is God...I don't attempt to act like God anymore and have lots of tools to keep me in that boundary. Boundaries are about self control and when we do that well our outcomes or consequences are mostly always acceptable. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
