Hi lin, i learned this through being an enabler for my son. Part of our dysfunctional realtionship went like this, he would drink or drug, i would get scared, fear esculated, i would help in order to get the short term relief from the fear and try to get some control of a spiraling crazy situation. Of course this would reinforce the dysfunction, he knew for certain i would come running no matter what and at times i felt like such a good mum, look at all i do for my son, im a poor, poor mum that goes way beyond any other mother i know. And on it goes, a never ending cycle. This went on for years.

Through alanon i got to look at the cycle in a different light, i got the courage to look at my motives and it wasnt easy but now ive accepted it, it just is, its part of the family disease of alcoholism, theres no need to beat myself up over it. Im making amends by keeping out, ive broke the cycle and now im courteous and kind without having much of an impact in his life, keeping my distance. Dont get me wrong, if the situation arose again i know all this would kick in again but its wrong so i would try really hard using the slogans, let go and let god.

I learned its wrong on a few levels to behave in this way. My son got to not learn valuable lessons that would have enhanced his life, i took his self trust and dignity away through the fixing and helping. His behqviour got him in the criminal justice system and i helped all the way. He had little coping skills or self preservation, he bahaved and took risks that only someone with a personal saviour would do. I led him to believe there were no consequences and he could do what he liked. My rescuing, helping, fixing distorted his view of the world. I blocked his higher power, his natural, normal life lessons. Whew, i could go on and on.lol.

Happy new year friend, its nearly spring.x

Hi Lin, I have found that one of the most powerful tools of Al-Anon is to go" inward "and examine my own motives. The readings in the Courage to Change constantly admonish us to check and see why we say what we say and do what we do. That is how I discovered who I was , why I did what I did and how to change.

I helped my alcoholic son because I was his mother and did not want him to suffer. I was of full of fear that he would die and have thought that I had the resources to prevent that. I was wrong.

I guess I could sum it up by saying I helped the alcoholic to fix my feelings of anxiety and fear. Al-Anon taught me a better way to address my feelings. Instead of trying to fix others, Al-Anon gave me tools to fix the feelings within myself and I am eternally grateful.

In my case, my son came to my home and back into my life in his mid-20s after living with his Dad from the age of 14 in two different states. He was beaten up, was grieving the loss of his hero (his deceased father), had nothing to show for his life and was very obviously using. Both my daughter and I believed that by living in my home with structure, rules and enforcement of those rules, he would have a safe place to heal and mature. He knew that if he wasn't looking for work, wasn't willing to work a program of recovery or at least stop partying (I couldn't call him an alcoholic because that was more for him to state) and wasn't willing to behave in appropriate ways that he would be asked to move out. I did what I said I would do because he would get jobs and lose them, blew up when he didn't get his way, demonstrated a sense of entitlement, got involved with gals he brought to my home when I was at work, took money from his sister and brought drugs into my home. It was a downward slide for him from that point although he did admit himself to a rehab center where he did well until he dropped dirty and then tried to blame a false positive for his being ousted from the program. He had completed rehab and was living there and then went out to use. I would not let him return to my home. He ended up on the streets, got himself into trouble and wanted me to bail him out which I didn't do. He spent time in prison, got his act back together, was working both AA and NA in earnest and was doing so well I agreed to let him live with me with the same conditions as the first time. He did well for several months and then hooked up with a female sponsor in AA who was 13 stepping, went back to drinking and drugging, became a nightmare to live with and chose to move out on his own this time. I can't say that his living and not living with me made any difference. He did decide that AA and NA weren't for him and has rejected both programs ever since. What did make a difference for me was recognizing at some point that no matter what I did or didn't do, he was going to use and suffer the consequences of his use. It was important for me to take care of myself and make choices that would protect my grandson as much as I could as his Nana from the effects and consequences of alcoholism and drug addiction in his uncle and my son. I did make the decision several years ago to limit my exposure to my son to include no visits allowed at my home. I did that in part because he brought a girlfriend here with her grandchild and adult son. When they left, I noticed pot seeds on a couch where her son had been sitting. I did not want and don't want drugs or people who use drugs in my home. My motives for all my choices had to do with trying to help my son in a constructive and non-enabling manner and when I saw it wasn't working, to do what I needed to do to take good care of myself and my minor grandson who spent a lot of time in my home. I want my home to be an alcohol and illegal drug free home and a safe place for me and for loved ones and friends. My son doesn't think in the same way I do. We have agreed to disagree and although it hurts me and I have to remind myself of why I'm choosing what I'm choosing for my own life and my own home so that I don't give into believing that it is my job to "fix" or "heal" my son. That's his job and the job of his HP and other addicts. It's my job to take good care of me.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 1st of January 2015 10:03:15 AM

I think this is a great topic and thank you for bringing it up. It'll be interesting to read all the perspectives concerning this. I think it's definitely a mix of ego and fear. I also think for me it was about skewed thinking about being a "good" person. There's was always an emotional payoff for me.  I could credit myself for successes that didn't rightfully belong to me like thinking he was reading his big book in rehab every day because I had the foresight to make those phone calls and arrangements and got him admitted. If he failed... I could be a martyr and gain sympathy from others and tell everyone, I've done all I know how and be told what a good wife I am to put up with all I've put up with. I remember even my ex's physician telling me that. So even medical professionals can be less than educated about alcoholism and addiction.  This was my role back then... the suffering wife.  This badge of "honor" was what my first 4th and 5th steps were all about - how I had harmed myself and others.

At our first Alanon meeting, some of us choose to stay and others choose to leave. Alanon is a gentle program but it's also a no nonsense type program about keep our hands off the lives of other people and allowing them the diginity to make their own choices with the help of their own higher power. It asks us to look at ourselves and what we might do differently to make our own lives better.  Being someone's higher power is 24/7 job and as one who's been there, it didn't pay as well as I'd hoped. I wanted to be paid with him getting sober on my watch because I thought I'd suffered so much and deserved it. Of course sobriety is between a person and the god of their understanding.  

I think service in Alanon especially when I was a newcomer a great distraction from trying to control outcomes in my own home.  I could do small things at a meeting like set up chairs and be open to listening and learning from others.  I had to ask myself.. did all my "helping" in my home create a better or worse situation?  What if I sat on my hands for just once and let someone show me a new way?  What had my own "best" thinking gotten me?  Not much. 

The Alanon steps, members, my sponsor and especially my higher power began to show me what balance looked like. I could "help."  I could help if I was asked and say no if it didn't feel right for me. Saying no didn't mean I was a selfish person.  It was a sign of self actualization and self love which of course took time and experience coming here. It mean't choosing what was best for me with the help of my hp. I learned that I had been giving myself away to others for fear that if I didn't they would abandon me. I began to risk to say no anyway and some abandoned me. It's the price of choosing to try to get well. It hurt but it also opened the door to living a healthier way with less drama and crazy making and attracting healthier people and situations. The payoff was more serenity and deeper relationship between myself and my higher power. 

Thanks for your share.  Happy New Year to you!  (((hugs)))  TT

Ohno, I agree that we hear the words "letting go" a lot, but also there are some processes and tools described in doing this. Use a god box, pray, utilize slogans, stay active in the program, do service, engage in better self-care and let healthy healthy supports in. Those are all ways of letting go. And I do not think having a child or grand child is necessarily harder or worse as a qualifier for many reasons. Children and grandchildren are supposed to grow up and move on in life. A romantic partner is someone you really think is going to be there with you for life. The bond is intimate and intense. Also, it's hard to get rid of people you might have had children with. Children and grandchildren never promised to be with you, live with you, cherish you...It is expected they will move on and find their own mates.

So, I hear you choosing to look at your situation as uniquely more negative. How is that helping you? Also, Alanon is not about accepting the unacceptable. It's about you. It's about self care and turning your energy and focus to positive things rather than obsessing over other people and things you don't have control over. It's about changing your thinking and if you believe it is always going to be about the qualifier, you are shooting yourself in the foot from the get go. You can still care about addicted loved ones but care in a different way and one that doesn't hurt you so much and is not so sabotaging to your well being.

 

 

This is a good/great subject especially for newbies and it reminds me when and how I learned that what I was doing with the thoughts that I was helping was actually no helping at all.  I didn't have an idea about what the disease was so how could I help?  I was coming from a "self" centered direction and didn't understand the disease and how it worked in the life of the alcoholic and those associated with it.  I thought it was a moral issue and so my alcoholic/addict wife was a "bad" person until I learned. I didn't understand that often helping is doing nothing which they cannot do for themselves and then I learned the difference between enabling and helping and the conditions that existed.  I had a hard time understanding that enabling/helping actually made it worse and had to learn this one from experience because my alcoholic/addict wife did get worse each and every time I stepped in to "help".   The difference between helping and enabling was that if my alcoholic/addict had the time, the ability and the facility (tools) to take care of her needs and I stepped in and interfered that was enabling the condition to get worse or remain diseased.  If she lacked any one of those three assets ...and... she asked for help...that was a chance to help;  I could still say no and let someone else support her, like a sponsor, or doctor or counselor or such.  I had to make an amends for all of the interference I did without the awareness and experience to actually be of help...it almost cost her, her life   and mine too. 

Alcoholism is a fatal disease and people die from the affects of it and that doesn't only mean the drinker.   How did I learn to help best?  from inside the rooms of Al-Anon where the fellowship had the experience about what the program was and how it worked and the positive outcomes of doing it as suggested.  MIP is an awesome tool also as we are all here for each other so very very often.    Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))

Hello. Welcome to MIP. My son has behaved in a similar manner although to my knowledge there are no children in his life.

It is heartbreaking and yet it was necessary for me to make my house a safe zone for my own sake and the sake of my other family members - most especially my only grandchild - by refusing to allow my son to come to my home without consequence.

One of the pieces of Al-Anon literature that was most helpful to me was "The Merry-go-Round named Denial." In it, I could see how necessary it was for me to do the incredibly painful work of getting off the merry-go-round of denial with my son and putting boundaries in place that were not to punish him but to keep myself safe and my other family members to the best of my ability. I had to withstand all that goes on in a Mom who has to say "no" to her natural desire to protect and safeguard her "child." Being in meetings with other parents and grandparents helped a lot.

I'm glad you are attending Al-Anon and do hope you'll keep coming back here, too.

I struggle a whole lot with this issue every single day. My AH is coming up on 9 months sober and I am grateful for that. However, with that being said he still acts at times as if he is 13 and needs a Mommie. I now have more clarity on those things thanks to Al-anon and a therapist. I found out that from my past, being the oldest kid, having an alcoholic Dad, not only was I well trained in taking on responsibilities, I also did so because generally I have the feeling of I will just do it myself to save arguments, issues whatever. I at one point was also looking to the program to tell me how to "detach", I mean like give me a road map or a flowchart or some process map or rule book on what is considered helping versus enabling. It took me some time to figure out how to use the tools of the program. Sometimes I get frustrated with the whole "Let it go" concept but I know the theory behind it. I struggle with that because in a marital relationship I don't feel it's a very equal partnership when I have to let go all the time of immature attitudes, decisions, whatever....I am working on it though as part of my healing.

I don't think the qualifier being a "blood related" child etc is harder than a spouse or partner. In fact, the natural order of the world indicates your children grow up and get the heck away from you and be adults. When you have an AH they don't just leave to grow up, in fact they cling harder than any of my kids ever did, the process of being let-down, abandoned etc by someone you thought was with you through thick and thin is painful. Honestly I believe addiction is an equal opportunity employer and it doesn't hurt one family member more than other family member because it is a child or spouse.

Helping versus enabling are two very distinct things. So here is a tiny example, my entire married life with my AH I would wait on him hand and foot. He would say Boy I sure what like a sandwich and I would jump up and fix it along with all the trim, serve him, pick up the plate when he was done. Now a days he says that while laying in a recliner and I tell him what's in the fridge or go find something to eat. It sounds so small and trival but it has helped me 1000 percent and I don't feel angry or resentful. Now mind you he does because he is being served, but hey a grown man can conjure up something to eat all by himself.

To me, the question of enabling makes me explore my motives, what is being asked and is it sensible, reasonable, and realistic, if my AH is supported and encouraged in his sobriety attempt such as reading together from literature then that isn't enabling, but rather helping. If it is something he can and should do for himself, like making a sandwich or going to meetings on time, making appropriate decisions but I jump in and take over that is enabling him and he cannot grow up and mature as he works through the program. When I try to "help" him generally it's because I don't want to suffer fear, panic, anxiety, disappointment, anger etc. which in the long run isn't helping me either.

(((HUGS))

Ive experienced both and i can tell you, my son hurt a lot deeper. Its different, its not your job and duty to protect and nurture a husband but the deep instincts to prote t and nurture your child is almost the most powerful feeling in my life. Relatiinships with husbands break up all the time, look at the courts, it socially acceptqble but your child will always be in your mind, theres no divorce courts, lawyers, closure. Closure, moving on, the end, being over a marriage is a luxury reserved only for wives or husbands. Parents do not ever get that. I believe thats why the parents in alanon work a teeny bit harder or deeper, just in my experience, than wives and husbands. Emotionally, the stakes are higher.

Its not a competition, none of this is easy but unless you have experience of both then really you dont know what your talking about, you have no comparative evicence.

-- Edited by el-cee on Tuesday 6th of January 2015 05:19:59 PM