I feel you and your reaction is not abnormal. It is a normal post trauma reaction. I do hear you lumping him working on the marriage and sobriety as one thing. Right now, sobriety is priority for him and you taking care of you and your child is priority for you. Marital healing will come later. I suggest to be cordial but detached. Even if he follows through with AA and stays sober, it's going to take time and it's going to be a long process so work on you and developing faith, self-esteem and coping skills through Alanon so you get to the point that you know you will be OK regardless of him and what he does.

I guess I'm confused about that. How are we suppose to detach if we live in the same house? we can't afford the apt longer then a month. We are working with boundaries and communicating how can u do that if u detach.

thanks :)

Working on communication is not as important now. He is gonna be all over the map with moods and learning how to cope just without running to the bottle. He will likely remain short tempered... and immature and emotionally delayed and having issues with lying (like all alcoholics and those in early sobriety) until he slowly and sometimes painfully learns what he needs to regarding how to deal with feelings and stress and such without drinking. Those are his issues to work on in HIS recovery. So take it a day at a time. Early recovery is not the time to be delving deep into marital therapy. He has to figure out who he is and how to get though a day sober first. Boundaries? That is not a "we" thing . That is a you thing. Work your own separate programs for now and just try to give each other space. Marriages heal in recovery from the work people do on their own in the respective rooms of AA and Alanon more than work you do together. There is no "team" recovery. Ideally you will both get healthy in your own programs and come together as a healthier couple as time progresses. I hope Kenny responds to this. I have enjoyed hearing about he and his wife are working on each of their programs and how the marriage is flourishing as a result. Doesn't happen in many cases but theirs is a good example.

-- Edited by pinkchip on Wednesday 31st of December 2014 07:04:53 PM

 

 

Aloha Angel and good you came back home to speak with the family...it will help with the panic attacks knowing that you are not alone and have a large group of people you know from experience what it was like then for us...what happened and what it is like now.   For me the panic attacks were partially a sign of being overwhelmed by the disease and the continuation of it while I had not learned anything new about how to help myself.  I didn't have any of the tools that the others had in the meetings and so I was fair game for the disease and reoccurring trauma and drama.  When I came to understand that I played a part in my condition and outcomes I also came to understand that it was my responsibility to change stuff that got me overwhelmed.  There are so many family members in Al-Anon meeting rooms and here at MIP who have the tools which work and which also kick in right when the feelings of being overwhelmed start.  He is out of rehab...a place where he might has learned some stuff that will change his life for the better and keep him sober.  That's good and then you have a panic attach because of old thoughts, feelings and beliefs which have not and will not keep up with changes.  Now its your turn to change...thoughts, feelings and action because....  He has a different language he has learned and different thoughts and feelings...he is different and probably in a way you least expected or didn't expect at all. 

You are "itchy"...Ii use to use that term with sponsees and clients in the past cause my therapist and sponsor used it with me meaning I was set up to react...scratch...at a problem (itich) which might not even be there yet my expectations were telling me it was coming right around the corner.  Often times it didn't come and still I was ready to and did "scratch".  Forgive yourself.  You're new yet and have a lot to listen to (with an open mind) and learn....none of us here got this overnight. Please be patient with Angel and do not hound her about stuff she hasn't learned yet.  Give her mercy and margin...she will make it and she isn't alone.   (((((hugs)))))  

Hi helpangel,

First off, please feel blessed that it seems like your husband has come out of rehab with a relatively mature outlook. You can look all over this board at posts from people whose qualifiers have come out of rehab physically sober, but not yet emotionally sober. Your husband sounds like he has signed on full-force to recovery. That's great! But still not a guarantee of anything.

When my wife was in rehab the first time, I was expecting she would come out "fixed". And she did! It was great! I didn't have to a dang thing, and she just didn't have to drink, and everything was wonderful! Until she got a DUI 6 months later, and another DUI 6 months after that. November 2013 she was remanded to a rehab after spending 10 days in jail, 8 of those in solitary because she was perceived to be a suicide threat. When she walked into the rehab, she said "OK, I've had enough, just tell me what I need to do and I will do it". And she did.

Meanwhile, my son and I had to go to these stupid waste of time family classes if we wanted to see her. Every Saturday we had to sit through an hour of class with other loved ones of the institution's residents, then an hour of class with my wife and the other residents in attendance, then we got another hour alone with our respective residents. One Saturday the counselor, who was 25 years off of heroin, explained to us how addiction can creep up on someone and on their families, Another Saturday we just spent kind of venting and asking questions. Another Saturday a representative from Al Anon came and told us about that organization. At that meeting, I had had enough, raised my hand, and said "I am so pissed off at my wife, what do I do now? She has cost my family a couple of brand new cars and vacations in lawyer's, rehab's, insurance, and deductible fees" What do I do? I recognize the need to not just give he a piece of my mind about it when she gets home, but what do I do?"

The answer was Al Anon. Come vent to them for a while. And learn how to deal with an alcoholic. "But she's the one who screwed up my life, now I have to spend another hour a week at some meeting?" "Oh, I would recommend a few hours a week for awhile"

I was fit to be tied. But I went. What the rep said made sense, and I knew if I didn't I would just unload verbally on my wife once she got home. In fact, even worse, was that I would instead become passive-aggressive and pout for days at a time. IN fact, this was what she told me I couldn't do ANY more of after she got home - it was an awful trigger for her. It didn't cause her to drink, but it caused her to want to drink, and her recovery was important enough to her at that point that she recognized that she couldn't get rid of the want, but she could get rid of the trigger.

Once I attended just a couple of meetings, I started to understand not only the disease model, but some of the slogans and what they mean. Somehow I took to those slogans better than I took to 10 years of therapy. And I think it was because it was good, practical behavior modification techniques that I could put into practice immediately.

I also found myself losing my anger. I was surrounded by people both at my face to face meetings and here on MIP that understood where I was coming from, and would just listen to my crap, and give their experience, strength, and hope back without expectation. That was something new in my life. And it was something that helped my anger to dissipate, and help me to get my head clear to realize that we both had our part in this. This wasn't just an alcohol problem, it was a family problem, a problem caused by issues that both of us had, and we both needed our own recovery systems for it.

When she would get angry with me, and she apologized, I was able to let it go knowing that because I was coming to the point where I realized that she wasn't what defined my life. Before Alanon, I had lived my life to that point where, if she got angry with me, my inner life imploded. I would freak out, thinking she would leave (she has physical abandonment issues, I have emotional abandonment issues), and cave in to anything. And then pout because I wasn't getting my way. That would be enough to drive most people to drink. Or divorce.

I had also found that, when something happened to trigger me, I could ask for space if I said what I meant, meant what I said, and didn't say it mean. I think it is great that you have recognized your need for space from you husband. It sounds like you were able to explain to him what was going on, and I trust you weren't mean about it. If you were panicky you might have come off a little mean, but the next time you will likely be less panicky. It's a process. I'm not a psychologist at all, but I think they call the process "progressive desensitization", where you start to learnt hat you can change things, and every little victory can build into a bigger victory.

My wife has also been going through her recovery of course. And doing well, but it's also a process for her. She goes through periods when I can't do anything right, and then I start the pouting, then we spiral down. Finally one of us pulls out of the spiral, and whenever it has happened it has been due to the support networks we have built in AA and Al Anon.

So we still have problems. As little as a month ago divorce was thrown out seriously as an option, so this road still isn't easy. But the reward so far has been great. There are many times I feel closer to my wife than I ever have. This Christmas was great, somehow I was able to sit down and concentrate on Christmas unlike I have been able to for the past few years. We both have more gratitude than we ever have before. But we still have quite a ways to go, and when something flies out of whack in our relationship, it is as intense as ever until one of us figures out how to come back together.

My favorite recovery tools/Slogans have been:

Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't say it mean - the opposite of the passive aggressiveness I have grown up with.

QTIP - Quit Taking It Personally - if she gets mad at me, my world no longer implodes, my feelings aren't based on her feelings of me, they are based on my feelings of me that have been built up by lots of meetings and lots and lots of reading and posting here

HALT - I watch myself when I get Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. Right now I have a bunch of guests in my house, and am not really in the mood to interact so much today even though I love them all dearly. I snapped at my wife, and 5 minutes later apologized telling her my feelings (mostly Tired, a little Lonely) and we worked out a solution to the problem. I f I hadn't been aware, I would have snapped and just let that go and let it cause a resentment from my wife that would have kept us from talking all day.

JADE - I don't Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. Now that she is in recovery, I don't use this as much, or maybe I use it differently, but I still find myself wanting to hop onto one of those old behaviors when she just asks me an innocent question. I mean, sometimes something as goofy as "Do you want mashed potatoes or rice with dinner tonight" can bring up some kind of piece of old, obsolete baggage in me and I have to struggle not to explain how she served me rice once when I didn't want it and now she's trying to... blah blah" and I stop and recognize it's an innocent, non-loaded question and just say "mashed potatoes please!"

Lastly, I've got to say that personally I have been helped as much if not more by MIP than I have by F2F meetings. I think F2F is preferred, but you can get a lot out of MIP just by faithfully following it and posting to it when you need to vent, and doing PMs to people that you will find you have some things in common with. I personally prefer this message board, but I also like the meetings and chat room. I can't do the chat room too often, I find myself staying up until 2 AM learning from and horsing around with some very wise people that hand out in there.

If you made it to here, thanks for reading my tome lol. I think this is an important question you have asked, so I wanted to give as much input as I could. One more slogan we have is "take what you like and leave the rest". And feel free to keep asking questions, it's a great way to learn, and there are lots of people here that just love to help you learn!

Last slogan "keep coming back" I didn't see much difference in my life after a week, but after 6 months I could look back and see a huge difference in my outlook and my way I relate with my wife.

Kenny

We had a young mom and baby come to our group. I loved every minute. So ask if the people care if you bring the baby. Your sanity is more important.. the anxiety gets less and less with going to Alnon meetings. This is way too big to go alone and why do it when you will find people who care and understand. It has helped me find peace again.