The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
They say that the stages of grieving are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
I can state definitively that I'm at acceptance.
I have accepted that alcohol has consumed my poor, pregnant (with twins), facing DUI mental health court, drug tested 2x a month by the state wife who is now facing her 2nd DUI and she got away with having one of our kids int the car. She gets her license back in the fall.
She comes home drunk when out getting groceries every 2 weeks. Tonight was bad. She barfed all over the kids clothes in the laundry room, then stripped naked and was found lying on the floor in the living room. We have 5 kids, and honestly.... I could type all night long, for 3 hours, to detail all of the probems her drinking has caused us. But. I'm not going to. Its just not worth it. I'm not sure why I'm posting this. 10 years married (nearly) and 5 kids. I'm 41, she's 27. Generation gap and all. We're Catholic so that for me means that this is the 'worse' part of 'better or worse'. So we will not be getting a divorce. I'l be with her until she puts herself in the grave or jail.
We cosleep with the youngest child of 5 (she's 2) and she was not having it tonight without mom. She cried for 30 mins and I actually recorded it in case she wants to hear what happened.
POINT OF THE POST:Back to acceptance. I have accepted that she is going to die from alcoholism. Hope? No. I hope she changes. And while she's still breathing she can maybe make the choice to stop. But I am expecting her to overdose some day on clonazepam and pills. Another possibility is that she will want to go driving with the kids in the car again in the fall and get trashed and then kill someone when she crashes the car. She's really being eaten up by the booze bad. And judges don't like it when you kill people while drunk. At all. If she doesn't die, she'll get 25 years. Its like she's already lost to the demon. Oh, yes... I didn't believe in demons before alcoholism hit her. Now I know how nasty that little devil is. I mean, she knows I will bust her. I found 2 bottles of that damned fireball whiskey near her in the laundry room, empty. And that was after she came home and passed out in the laundry room. Yet, this demon takes hold and just has really already taken her soul. Meth and alcohol seem to be the 2 worst drugs on the planet.
MORE SENSELESS RAMBLING, MOVE ALONG, DON'T READ FURTHERSHe's going to start drinking regularly again and then she's going to get called for a drug test and she will fail for alcohol. Then, as she told me today, "A girl at color code told me that you can just tell the judge you took Nyquil the night before and that's why you're coming up positive for alcohol." Yea. When she tries that the judge is going to put her in prison for 365 days for violating her probation. One day she's going to get busted for this while on color code. Or she's going to get belligerent with a cab driver and end up in court for that and then MAYBE they'll violate her probation. Did I mention we have a $2000 bill for the car to get running again since she trashed it when she crashed it in the latest DUI?
What a shame. We have a wonderfully cute big family with 5 kids. But alchol has taken that away from us. Mabye if the twins she's pregnant with come out with fetal alcohol syndrome the state will prosecute her? Wouldn't that be a tradgedy that could have been avoided. We live in Alabama and they have been prosecuting for crack babies and putting moms in jail. Its only logical that they'd do the same for FAS.
She is in so deep but she just can't see the forest through the trees I guess.
God bless y'all. Good night.
Back to acceptance. I have accepted that she will die from Alcoholism. I honestly am not mad at this point. No need to argue about it with her. I have accepted that she'll
-- Edited by AWSmith on Wednesday 31st of December 2014 02:38:26 AM
-- Edited by AWSmith on Wednesday 31st of December 2014 09:12:49 AM
Really really saddening. No one can stay sane watching and living this way with crying babies to boot. But 7 kids at 27 is a hell of a load. Seven kids at any time is a hell of a load. For you both. Alcoholism affects families...al anon is for us the non drinkers.....they're going to drink..what are we, you and I going to do? We can predict the future , as you have done (and i have done for years getting pissed off when still no one listened) and call that acceptance or we can ask for the courage to change what we can. Those babies have a real sick mom. But you're here and I'm so sorry that now you have to be the strong one again. You are their best hope at health. Please keep coming back. Alanon meetings are online here and face to face helps break the isolation if that's possible. Really feeling for you and your family. Hang in there.
Is there any way she can be imprisoned while she is pregnant? Fetal alcohol syndrome is a high price for children to pay, is there anyone you could call about this? Maybe an anonymous phone call 5o child services or something. The damage caused cant be undone later when she sobers up. I suggest doing what you can as a matter of urgency for these babies.
I can only imagine how hard this must be for you to watch this. Your only 41 and you have resigned yourself to livi g this miserable existence forever because your catholic. I dont get that, surely god did not want this misery for you or your family. Everyone is entitled to a happy life, everyone, they just need to claim it for themselves.
You cant stop your wife drinking or control her drinking, nothing can, only she can decide and they often only decide when they loose it all but you have resigned yourself to be with her forever so shes never going to loose her family. There is another way to change things for you and your family. Alanon face to face meetings are held around the world and have saved the lives of thousands of people who live or have lived with alcoholism. There you will learn how to recover your sanity that we loose due to the disease, then when one person is thinkjng and behaving healthily the whole family, including the alcoholic, benefits immensely.
Im glad you have reached out, your not alone, now just keep reaching out, phone the alanon helpline, its on the website.
Dear AW Welcome I am saddened to read of this situation and do hear your pain . Acceptance is the key to understanding that we are powerless over the disease of alcoholism and I am glad you are there.
Now because me are powerless it does not mean that we have to "Die" from this disease ourselves. Please search out alanon face to face meetings and attend for yourself and family.
Breaking the isolation caused by trying to cope with this disease is very important to our mental health. Receiving support as I learned new tools to live by ,helped to restore me to sanity and gave me hope for my family .Please search out the meetings and attend.
Alanon suggests that if we are in a position of danger that we should take immediate action to keep ourselves and children safe. If she is drinking and carrying twins and driving with children in the car she really is endangering the welfare of your children.
This is a difficult choice that you must review and consider Meetings and sharing here will help you to take the actions and trust the outcome to God.
Oh, my. So much pain and angst for you and the children. I ditto Hotrod's suggestion for you. I also wonder if she has a PO that you can call to report what she is doing and to remove the keys to the car? The disease won't like it but the children are extremely vulnerable in this situation and perhaps the State can do more to help your wife dry out and protect the unborn children while you do what you can to make sure she doesn't drive and endanger the rest of the children and other people on the road. You can't protect your children and please her, too. Al-Anon can provide education and support for you that you will need to deal with things as they are and to receive the help and hope this program offers us.
Thank HP my son didn't have any children to endanger but he would drive all the time drunk no matter what I said or did to try and prevent it. Now I can thank HP he is sitting safe in prison for a couple of years and praying he will go into recovery. Oh I didn't want him to go to prison. I cried my eyes out not wanting this for him but I come to accept this was the only way he was going to be safe. No detox, AA, rehab, enabling or anything else was going to keep him from the alcohol and prescription drugs. Nothing.....
He's alive today and I'm grateful no matter how hard it is on me.
Take care of you and remember your not alone so keep coming back.
((( hugs )))
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I actually work from home (I'm very fortunate in my chosen field of employment). So calling the SS (...social services....) is not necessary. As far as imprisonment, she's already been in the jail for 2 nights. The food in prison is an instant abortion waiting to happen. Its really that bad. She'd starve until the twins were hurt. So going to jail is not the answer.
And honestly, social services are NEVER a welcome problem. Can you say, "Well, she has to move out. There's a homeless shelter up the way or you can fork out another $600/month for an apartment". I know we should let them suffer, but I draw the line at unwanted government intervention. If I need that then I can call her family to come help. And I have in the past.
Its sad to watch, and I find the comment about predicting the future interesting. But I'm pretty sure I've used my crystal ball correctly. Death, Imprisonment, or Institutionalization. One of them is calling for her. I have always been saddened by addiction. It takes so much away from someone's soul. Its a sad spiritual disease. I was really close to her father who passed away last year and he must be turning over in his grave.
Throw in she has cancer to the mix... yea, things are pretty bad right now. Doctors have no clue how long or how far, but initial signs and lab work are very dire and ominous. Won't know more about that for a few more weeks, but its very very bad news so far. Plus her family history has every female for 2-3 generations solid dying in their 20s-50s of cancer.Somewhere there's a nasty x linked gene.
But dear God, drinking is not going to help at all. I really really hate alcohol. I'm reminded of how you see the empty soul in the meth pictures on the internet. Its like the same thing with my wife. She's just... gone. But deep in there I can still see her. Like when she says something funny or has a good day or when she plays with the kids. We've really lost a lot to this addiction. But my kids and I have a great relationship. Stories for 1 hour every night... (really... an hour... but they have good taste in fiction too). The kids and I have a wonderful time together almost every night. 8) THAT is a huge rock i lean on. Just having fun with my babies. Imagine how much fun 5 kids can be! And in large part b/c of the cancer she sleeps about 12 hours a day. So I do breakfast, lunch, dinner, and laundry too. As I said, I'm VERY blessed to be able to do all that. The kids really are worth it and I enjoy taking care of them at night. With big families you just get into a rhythm and become a master at conflict resolution so once you get into your groove about 30 minutes into the afternoon kitchen prep for dinner you have kids that need time outs timed out (rarely these days) and the older kids cleaning up a bit in the living room. But then... I wanted a BIG family when i was 16. So did my wife. Plus we're Catholic and i wear Old Spice. Its the Old Spice that's doing it. 5 kids in ~10 years is amazing. So, anyway, despite all of the hopelessness about her future (though as long as she breaths there's a chance she'll come out of it), I am quite still a happy man when it comes to my family. I maintain a close friendship with my mother in law as well and I can guarantee that should something happen to my wife my in laws will have lots of time with my kids. She's a wonderful wise woman, really.
To the Virgins, to make much of Time
GATHER ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old Time is still a-flying:
And this same flower that smiles to-day
To-morrow will be dying.
The glorious lamp of heaven, the sun, 5
The higher he 's a-getting,
The sooner will his race be run,
And nearer he 's to setting.
That age is best which is the first,
When youth and blood are warmer; 10
But being spent, the worse, and worst
Times still succeed the former.
Then be not coy, but use your time,
And while ye may, go marry:
For having lost but once your prime, 15
You may for ever tarry.
(((AW)))I admire your attitude and wisdom. Please search out alanon meetings to provide the adult support that YOU need to continue on this difficult road.
Prayers and positive energy on the way for you and your entire family.
Sorry for my lack of Alanon principles here but If your wife is drinking while she is pregnant then something must be done. I'm sorry but have you ever seen pictures or read about children with FAS? They are permanently brain damaged needing life long care. Theres lots of humour and positivity in your second post and that is great, you sound like a great father and your children clearly have a chance with you in their lives, however, the life you talk about for everyone would change dramatically if your wife gives birth to two children with FAS, its not an illness that can be treated later or even a baby born with addiction, its irreparable brain damage, most of these children end up in institutions. If your wife is drinking while she is pregnant then I think its up to you to try and protect the babies above your loyalty to your wife.
I was born and raised Catholic. I understand having faith in God's will and I also know what it was like to be the first of 10 children and watching the stress on my Mom and her body and me growing up the firstborn. She died at 69 of a pelvic wall tumor that made her appear to be 9 months pregnant.
She wasn't an alcoholic but she was ACOA. She suffered tremendously at the hands of priests and a Catholic surgeon who would not perform a hysterectomy because their parish priests would not give permission for my Mom at age 38 with 10 children to her credit to have the medical treatment she needed. She almost bled to death on multiple occasions until the priest gave the surgeon permission after 10 babies when she turned 40 to have the surgery she needed. By that time, the uterine lining had grown outside the womb area up under one breast and inside one leg to the knee. She never regained her health after that, developed lupus and other horrible diseases and spent her remaining years in poor health and consistent pain.
My Dad loved my Mom and supported her Catholic belief system and yet I know that he also watched his beautiful bride die a long and painful death beginning with too many children for her poor body to sustain and I and my sibs lost our Mother to multiple diseases brought on by her body being beaten up by too many pregnancies and a mindset that did not value her for her but only for the number of children she could bring into the world. My experience of God has taught me otherwise.
Your wife may not have the mental, emotional, spiritual energy or physical ability to take care of herself and the babies in the ways needed. She is a human being who is being destroyed by a disease over which she is powerless as the babies might also be and may not have had the time her body needed to recover from the other children before she became pregnant with these babies who need her body to be healthy in order to develop naturally. I am very concerned for her and for the babies, too. If you don't want to call CPS or her PO, perhaps the family doctor can be helpful to you and to her and the babies if you are noticing some other things that seem to be a problem for her like extreme fatigue, very little appetite, dry skin, dizzy spells, tooth pain?
My prayers for those unborn children, the children who are with you now, your wife and for you.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 31st of December 2014 03:13:35 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 31st of December 2014 03:15:30 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 31st of December 2014 03:52:32 PM
Our Al Anon prayer is the Serenity Prayer. Perhaps you have heard this -
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference.
You have accepted that you are powerless over your wife's drinking. That is to be admired, many people can't get to this step. It took me a long time.
But if you look at the next lines of the prayer, it says we need to have the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference. There are alternatives to having your children born with FAS. They probably all involve telling either the legal or medical establishment that truth about what is going on, that is the only leverage you have. If she is in jail, she won't be able to drink. Whether she chooses to eat jail food or not, will be up to her. But you will have done what you can. And jail food is better than a constant diet of alcohol for those fetuses.
My county allowed my wife to be remanded to a rehab instead of jail. That is another possibility to explore. Even if she comes out and drinks immediately again, she has a much better chance of not drinking alcohol while she is there, and the atmosphere would be better and more supportive. But, since we are powerless over alcohol, you will likely need the legal system again to enforce that she goes.
I believe one of the reasons we participate in Al Anon is to be able to keep the rest of our families safe. The responsibility unfortunately falls on our shoulders, and that is where we need a support network. Please go to an Al Anon face to face meeting ASAP, you will meet people there with similar experiences and can help you with the terrible decisions that will be laying ahead for you.
In our county, we have something called drug court. Often, the courts don't want a parent in jail. They want them to get help and do what they can to support that process utilizing all the drug and alcohol resources available with the threat of jail (or in some cases, prison) should the person refuse to get into and stay in treatment. Who knows what outcome your HP has in mind for your wife, you and the children? I agree with Kenny and his input here. I know its scary to consider reaching outside the family but it may be more helpful to you than what is happening now? Whatever you choose to do, there are those of us who have had to face these realities and our fears and act in ways that aren't always to our liking. Sending you lots of support and understanding.
Is there any way she can be imprisoned while she is pregnant? Fetal alcohol syndrome is a high price for children to pay, is there anyone you could call about this? Maybe an anonymous phone call 5o child services or something. The damage caused cant be undone later when she sobers up. I suggest doing what you can as a matter of urgency for these babies.
I can only imagine how hard this must be for you to watch this. Your only 41 and you have resigned yourself to livi g this miserable existence forever because your catholic. I dont get that, surely god did not want this misery for you or your family. Everyone is entitled to a happy life, everyone, they just need to claim it for themselves.
I agree with el-cee 100% I used to be catholic, married to an alcoholic, who abused me physically, mentally, you name it...he was a vile monster.......being catholic, yea i heard all the "better or worse" crap, but what kind of god would condemn me to a life being in DANGER????? i walked away from the church and all that "you gotta stay for better or worse" even when your life and children's lives are in danger......i am so sorry you feel you must stay with this miserable existence forever......that makes me sad.........surely god wants those children to be safe........to me, she broke the wedding vows being a threat to her family.....she broke this marriage by marrying alcohol and putting it first as her lover and not you....to me, that is in essence adultery.......and i KNOW adultery is a deal breaker.....she worships her 80 proof god, sacrifices you and the kids to be close and connected to her 80 proof god.........OK, enough of that...I just get angry at churches who force folks to stay in abusive or dangerous situations........my youngest brother has fetal alcohol syndrome....he never had a chance from day one...now he is a hopeless drug addict...uppers, downers , booze, he is brain fried....under state supervision in CA b/c he is totally unable to take care of himself w/out supervision......yea, that is what his drunken mother did to him.....and i agree with el-cee...she needs to be locked up....forced to dry out if it is not too late for the babies......this is so sad to read....pregnant and doing that.......i would drop a dime on child welfare services and get this alcoholic who cares not for her innocent children locked up in jail.....we dont' tell folks to leave or stay.....i can't tell you what to do, but when i hear about babies/children, I go nuts....i'll be in recovery forever b/c of drinking and its brutal treatment of me.......the damage done to me, some of which i will never recover.....
I am glad you reached out.....you sound like you really love your children and I understand your thinking you "can't leave her" b/c of the church.....i really thnk the churches need to revise this "for better or for worse" thing to protect the innocents in all this....i could see if she got cancer, yea, you stick by her, but she is refusing recovery....CHOOSING to not arrest this condition and to NOT get into AA and be sober........yes, alcoholism is a disease....i wish my alzheimer's sister could get into a program and arrest her alzheimers, but she does not have that benefit.......
i am sorry your in this spot......i can't have much pity for her b/c she chooses to keep drinking, not reach out for help, so my sympathy goes to those poor babies and of course to you......please find some alanon meets near you so you can get healthy fellowship w/the other spouses of this condition......also, i would contact welfare, or child services to see if you can still save those unborn children whom she is slowly destroying.......
i do hope you stick around....so so sorry you are in this horrible spot......you CAN , after working your program, change your life......sending you peace energy....
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Odds are she's going to get caught when they run an HTG (alcohol metabolite) test at her drug tests. She thinks she'll get away with it but she's going to get caught in a drug test within a month or two. Then she's going to probably be ordered into inpatient treatment which we have insurance for. She's already in 'mental health court'. So maybe after that if she gets caught again she'll be forced to do the full sentence behind bars (365 day mandatory that she's serving suspended right now pending successful completion of mental health court). So she's already just about busted. If she starts drinking daily, she'll get busted within 2 weeks when her drug test comes up. I've informed her of the 4 day metabolite lifespan for alcohol consumption. That should frighten her out of it. But i think we all know that when in the grips of the demon there's no real hope of her being frightened out of it. She's going to play with fire with the drug tests just as she tried to play with fire while driving drunk. Its really up to the judge. One poorly answered question and there could be problems for her. AL is NOT a drunk driver friendly state at all. I love Alabama. 8)
EDIT: Hey, about protecting the unborn twins. The laws are NOT friendly about this until the babies are born. There is nothing that can be done about it legally. And kicking her out of the house would result in a guarantee of FAH babies. Keeping her close where I can at least head it off at the pass when it starts is preferred.
And of course I love my babies! THe youngest has had the luck of growing up with me in teh house and she speaks fluent french for a 2 year old! (I am bi linugal and have always dreamed of teaching french to the kids but they always refused b/c I worked out of the house and they would switch back to english). Anyway its adorable. The oldest is really into bugs and biology. The oldest boy is interested in anything Catholic (he wants to be a priest). The middle boy is just a sweet 4 year old who really has come into his own as a loving and fair kid in the house. He likes stories best and sits in my lap when we read at night. Then the next is a 3 year old boy who is strong willed as can be but he loooooves his dad. He'll be the one who goes scouting for deer in the woods with me when none of the other kids want to. He'll probably be a pilot I bet. Then the youngest - get this - is a red headed girl with curls! So 4 blond kids and then this cute red head of curls. 8) She fell asleep in my arms last night while mom was sleeping it off in the pantry.
So, ya, love my babies. I do fear for the unborn twins, but I also am well aware of what can and can't be done. The SS was already called on her by the school when she called the printicpal while "ship (sp) faced" according to those who spoke to her. I had to leave a business trip in the middle of it ( I do still travel from time to time for work ). It was the most professionally embarassing thing ever. I nearly lost my job over it. It cost the company about $10,000 in lost revenues by my guess. That is what happens when the SS gets involved.
-- Edited by AWSmith on Wednesday 31st of December 2014 02:41:54 PM
-- Edited by AWSmith on Wednesday 31st of December 2014 02:51:43 PM
Sorry for my lack of Alanon principles here but If your wife is drinking while she is pregnant then something must be done. I'm sorry but have you ever seen pictures or read about children with FAS? They are permanently brain damaged needing life long care. Theres lots of humour and positivity in your second post and that is great, you sound like a great father and your children clearly have a chance with you in their lives, however, the life you talk about for everyone would change dramatically if your wife gives birth to two children with FAS, its not an illness that can be treated later or even a baby born with addiction, its irreparable brain damage, most of these children end up in institutions. If your wife is drinking while she is pregnant then I think its up to you to try and protect the babies above your loyalty to your wife.
again, I agree with el-cee and grateful......i have a brother with FAS, he is basically "gone".....i see you as really in love w/your children and you really care...and i get it...gov't "assistance" can leave some bad memories, but again, i really can't stress enough that something has to be done to protect those fetuses.....if you could see my younger brother you would know what i am talking about......Hes essentially gone!!!! has to be in a special house with supervision, and supervised drugging to keep him from being violent...however he, an addict, gets additional drugs off the streets...
this kid was never "right in the head" we had problems with him from day one of his birth.....mental problems big time.....now its drug and mental problems.....he goes out in public from the supervised living housing and pees his pants an doesn't even realize it......he was always sick....thanks to her drinking....
i was saddened by grateful's post about her poor mother, being forced to bear so many children and ending up dying from conditions caused by this.......i won't slam the church,....I hope i did not go to far with it, I just can't buy into the god that the churches describe....I was an agnostic bc of all that doctrine and still struggle w/beliving and trusting, even here, in alanon...but I am working on it.... but this and other things are why i walked away from organized religion and man's control and I found my own higher power who is love, peace, self discovery and self love and doing what is right by myself so i can share that good energy with others......
please keep coming back....you will never be able to cope with her w/out the support of alanon....alanon will help you learn how to care for yourself and your children....let her reap the consequences of her deeds, however, there has to be a way acceptable to you to save those unborn babies.....their lives depend on action, NOW....no matter what you do w/the wife, the bottom line is, those fetuses have NO chance if she keeps pumping booze down into her body.....no chance....things are bad now....if those babies are born with FAS, as loving as you seem to be , and sensitive as you appear to be, if those babies have FAS when born, you will really get a glimpse of what hell is like........i will never forgive my now dead mother for what she did to my brother.....willful drinking when pregnant destroyed his life.....with us older kids, her drinking wasn't quite as bad and maybe we are salvageable???? I keep showing up here b/c i know my issues are life long....thanks to her drinking and his evil actions against his own children (abuse, etc) oh yea, i am a lifer, here......my poor brother has no chance....he doens't even know what is real and what is not, anymore.....we older kids tried to make his life happy when he was a small child, but he was so messed up, all we could do was try to play w/him, make his life somewhat nicer, but even as a child, I knew he was different in a very very sad way.........no matter what----we are here---we are listening.......and I am sending you peace and SUPPORT
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I edited a previous post about her health when I didn't complete my line of thought. I'll put it here, too. I am concerned based on my own pregnancies and my mother's every 1.5 to 2.0 year pregnancies that your wife may not have the physical, emotional, spiritual and mental health to care for her body which the babies use to grow. If you don't want to call her PO or CPS, would the family doctor be helpful to your wife? She is a human being who is young enough that she can very well recover, but she may need the outside help of the medical profession to get her physically back into shape as best as can be done now. I am very concerned for her in addition to the babies based on your share. Not everything may be due to alcoholism but to depleted electrolytes, calcium and the various hormonal changes that happen during pregnancy.
I am surprised that SS doesn't consider her drinking to be child endangerment.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 31st of December 2014 03:31:04 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 31st of December 2014 03:32:47 PM
I am also reading that you married a 17 year old that has never had to act grown up. Sounds like you are the only adult in the picture. Even her snide remarks about fooling drug tests sound like a rebellious teenager who isn't taking any of this seriously. It does sound like you are a good dad but that doesn't mean that if she becomes a clear danger to children (sounds like she already is) nothing needs to be done. Failure to protect against a known danger is also neglect. If you fear social sevices, that is likely because you know something is not kosher here. I would delve into Alanon if I were you. Be careful not to label no boundaries as acceptance. Also, you are Catholic. Right now, she is pretty much only alcoholic before other things because she is absolutely not making decisions based on any spiritual or religious code. Hence, dual decisions based on a religion only 1 of you is practicing may be something to consider. I do like the option you have for her going to her parents if this gets too much. She sounds like she's acting like a child so maybe her real mommy and daddy would be better. Definitely better than impregnating a non recovering mentally ill severe alcoholic with cancer repeatedly.
Don't get me wrong...it does sound like a horrible situation and I do feel for you.
Its a difficult situation AW, I would look at it like my wife is another child at the moment, incapable of doing the right thing for anyone so that means you must take charge. Im not suggesting kicking her out but she needs help that maybe you cant give her. Sometimes we are too close to a situation to fully see the implications and seriousness. Time is important here. The damage is done more and more each time she drinks. You have got your hands full with 5 little children and a job, shes already out of your control. Its urgent help she needs, not punishment but help. If she ever gets into recovery and sorts herself out Im sure she would look back and wish you had something about this. No woman ever wants to be faced with the guilt of a FAS child, the reality of that may be a huge obstacle to a sober life in the future.
Scaring her probably won't work. I agree. If I were 27 with cancer, alcoholism, pregnant with two babies and can see my 5 other children, I'd be more than fearful. I'd be feeling terror. She's very young. Maybe it would be helpful to ask her how she is feeling and if there is anything she sees that she wants more than anything (except booze) and how you might help her with that anything? Don't know if this would be helpful and yet I know when somebody looks beyond the symptoms of my pain into my heart and asks me questions that show genuine interest in me and my true needs, I melt and can speak truthfully because I know that person is truly in my corner and is listening to me with their heart.
I remember a story a nun told me once about visiting with people who were dying. She asked a lady if there was anything she could do to support her. The woman said that she would love my nun friend to be like her dog, Tillie, that she couldn't keep anymore. My friend calmly asked her what it would look like to the woman for my friend to be like Tillie. The lady replied: Tillie always looked happy to see me. She would just look at me and listen with her eyes when I spoke. I knew she loved me then. I need to be loved like that.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 31st of December 2014 06:58:29 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 31st of December 2014 07:06:36 PM
Maybe talking to your priest would help...seriously. In respect of your religion, priest are often good and caring people that are trained to offer you guidance and support including for issues like this. Catholic charities actually funds its own rehabs. More support for all of you is better...obviously I think alanon would be great too but can see you have a very full plate with 5 kids.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Wednesday 31st of December 2014 07:21:36 PM
Hello. I haven't read through all the responses yet...but I wanted to say what comes to my mind first...the twins!! Did she drink like this with her other pregnancies? These twins could be born with fetal alcohol syndrome. I am a nurse and I have experience with babies. Is it possible to get your wife into inpatient rehab against her will...considering she is committing child abuse to these unborn children? There's got to be a way to stop her from damaging the babies. Have you spoken to her doctor? This is awful. I strongly feel that all the children, including the unborn ones, need to come first.
I just read what you said about the legalities of protecting the babies. Just sounds awful. It's too bad there are women out there who can't even get pregnant, then there are ones who get pregnant and abuse the fetus. So sad.
Aloha AW and welcome to the board...I get the thinking that you have already learned things about the disease from other than experience. You have read information and maybe even the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Maybe you have attended meetings...you've learned some stuff and you know that alcoholism is a progressive, fatal disease that can never be cured; only arrested by total abstinence. Might you also have or have had an intimate relationship with alcohol yourself? So much of your story is similar to mine including your choice of religion. Alcoholism is rampant in the Catholic Church because it has no barriers anywhere and very often the church doesn't and won't talk about the "problem" openly with the help of the recovering communities. I am former Catholic and when I approached the church for help with the addiction in my first marriage they had no solutions other than keep coming back to church.
As a former therapist working within a large rehabs for alcoholism and substance abuse I would say that your wife is end stage alcoholism meaning "near death". If she continues drinking as she is the chemical will shut her system down on its own will...not yours or hers or the courts or anyone else. If I were the alcoholic in your house what boundaries would you set up with me? Would you allow me any margin or grace to continue my destructive drinking up to and including threatening the lives of the family and creating financial loss? What parameters would you put before me not to get me to stop and to protect yourself and your sanity and that of the family?
Al-Anon woke me up as to what I was doing and what I was not doing which fed the disease and got the family the exact opposite of what we desired. We enable it to get worse by what we do that doesn't work and what we don't do which doesn't have a chance. The Al-Anon Family groups are a fellowship of men and women who have been affected by someone else's drinking. Sounds like you are qualified.
What is crazy about this disease is that it can and will trump some of the best plans and intentions created to defeat it however it cannot defeat a program of recovery for those who detach from it. I pray for you and your family that you find the doors of the closest meeting and get there early.
Some of my best and most loving clients in the past were the children of addicts and alcoholics. Al-Anon also has an Alateen program and Alateen literature. Expose your children to the help because it helps and helps you also because you have come to reach out for help here. It's great that you have taken the opportunity to reach out for help cause there are hundreds of years of recovery on this site which will willingly support you for free. Keep coming back....Read and ask...follow the suggestion with an open mind and be teachable. (((hugs)))
Dear Mr. Smith, while I read in your posts that you do indeed accept that your wife is an alcoholic (though it is up to THEM to make that determination, not ours to judge) I also read denial. IF you accept your wife's illness, you cannot deny your increased responsibility towards your children, both born and unborn; and towards your fellow man - specifically any of them that may be on the road next time your wife gets behind the wheel of a car in an inebriated condition.
Years ago when my first husband came home too drunk to open the house door, instead of letting him in quietly and shuffling him to bed to sleep it off, I began to blast him with both barrels. He stood there swaying drunkenly while I hit below the belt, talking about what he would feel like if he killed some little girl's daddy, or killed some daddy's little girl. I purposely struck low, right where I knew it would hurt the most, knowing how much he loved his little girl, I verbally hit him there over and over again because I did not want to be answering a knock on the door from cops telling me exactly what I was saying to him! Was I wrong? Maybe, but he never came home in that condition again. Did he give up drinking? No, and while it wasn't the obvious reason for our divorce, his choice of beer over wife eventually took its toll.
When we become parents, we make the choice to keep the children or give them away; if we choose to keep them, we accept the responsibility of sacrificing ourselves in taking care of them and doing everything we can to protect them; and our duty to protect them supersedes any other duty.
I pray that you will do as Hotrod and others suggest, search out and attend Al-Anon meetings and keep reading/learning.
Take what you like and leave the rest - good luck.
__________________
I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Hi and welcome to MIP- you're in the right place and I'm glad you found us. Your post resonates on many levels and you're correct that untreated alcoholism/addiction ends in either insanity, death, or both. It is a very powerful, cunning, and baffling disease that affects everyone in contact and becomes much too much for most to handle alone. Working a strong Alanon program was the only way I have been able to truly improve my situation. It has helped me find and accept better solutions, resources, boundaries, and stability for myself and my daughter. Sending prayers for all involved.
One other thought on the subject of Acceptance is that once I stopped fighting the disease and trying to control the uncontrollable, I accepted the fact that I was powerless and then I had to look to myself and see what positive actions I could take to protect myself, family , finances and children I could not expect a sick person to magically change and fix it.
And in large part b/c of the cancer she sleeps about 12 hours a day. So I do breakfast, lunch, dinner, and laundry too. As I said, I'm VERY blessed to be able to do all that. The kids really are worth it and I enjoy taking care of them at night. With big families you just get into a rhythm and become a master at conflict resolution so once you get into your groove about 30 minutes into the afternoon kitchen prep for dinner you have kids that need time outs timed out (rarely these days) and the older kids cleaning up a bit in the living room. But then... I wanted a BIG family when i was 16. So did my wife. Plus we're Catholic and i wear Old Spice. Its the Old Spice that's doing it. 5 kids in ~10 years is amazing. So, anyway, despite all of the hopelessness about her future (though as long as she breaths there's a chance she'll come out of it), I am quite still a happy man when it comes to my family. I maintain a close friendship with my mother in law as well and I can guarantee that should something happen to my wife my in laws will have lots of time with my kids. She's a wonderful wise woman, really.