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Hello - The alcoholic who brought me back to Alanon is my grandson. He is only 21. He has had quite a rough road - in and out of rehabs, detox, SLE's. He is now in an SLE, but I was told he did not apply for food stamps. One of the consequences of that would be no food - and that is triggering me as a nurturer . . . I am worried about his well-being and health and ability to care for himself (and when I get going, then it just snowballs).
How have you parents or grandparents who have had to deal with these issues coped?
I am working Step 1 again. My stomach is in knots though. I got a massage last night and I am praying. Any advice?
__________________
"All we see or seem is but a dream within a dream."
Edgar Allan Poe
Row, Row, Row your boat, gently down the stream.
Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Life is but a Dream.
I have expended a lot of energy worrying and trying to fix people at the expense of myself.Now I ask myself questions about it,like Why do I feel the need to control this?,What is lacking in me?etc.Mainly I do good to take care of myself.Step one for me is really recognizing my place in the world and I don't have the answers for people only God does.
The need to survive is very strong in us all. Food is a primary need. Do you believe that your grandson and his HP won't figure out a way for him to eat even without food stamps? When I was first divorced, I went for food stamps for the very first time in my life. Even though I had worked for years, putting money into the State's coffers, I was treated by the worker as if I was forcing him at gunpoint to sign me and my children up for food stamps out of his own pocket or to personally buy us groceries. I can remember saying to the worker that his treatment of me was disrespectful and humiliating and that even if I had to work two or three jobs to put food on the table, I would do it. I would not be back a second time. I meant what I said and I did what I said. We never went hungry and I had three mouths to feed. That also helped me develop a dependence on myself and my HP that I needed rather than to allow the State to become my hp. There are food pantries that he can go to to get him over the hump if he has to delay receiving food stamps for awhile. Going through difficult challenges is a character builder and if allowed, he will have stories about ways he and his HP overcame obstacles at some point in his life that can be a hope builder for others.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 30th of December 2014 01:40:21 PM
Its a hard one because detaching with love means allowing our loved ones the consequences of their own actions. If your grandson didnt apply for food stamps then the natural lesson would be that he goes hungry and maybe reaches out for help but if you just go to the fix it mode and get him food the he learns that his actikns or inaction doesnt have consequences because your there as the go to person that fixes his problems. If he asks you to help then maybe you could give him a bag of groceries but make it clear he needs to take care of himself and you wont be constantly picking up the slack.
i knwo this sounds harsh and alien to us who love addicts but if you look really hard at your motives then you might find that everytime you 'help' its about making you feel better, maybe even feedi g your ego. Alanon allowed me to take a good look at myself and my fixing and helping was all fear based and every time i acted on it it was not in the best interests of anyone but me.
I have allowed both my kids at adult ages to wrestle with how they were going to eat and where they were going to sleep. I did it because I could see they were mismanaging money and their time and seeing me as their safety net. The hardest experience of this was with my daughter and grandson and a birthday celebration for him. I had been helping until I saw it wasn't helping. My daughter wanted me to loan her money for my grandson's birthday. I knew in my heart of hearts what I had to say and was sick when I said it because I didn't know what the outcome would be. I had purchased gifts for him and it wasn't my responsibility to see to it that there was a celebration for him - it was hers. Nobody helped me celebrate my kids' birthdays. I did what I could do with what I had to work with. When I had more, I gave more. I told her: "You have known for over a year that his birthday was coming up. I will not loan you money. You will have to find another way." She was very angry with me although she had no idea what was going on in me as I waited for the outcome. She handled it. He had a wonderful birthday celebration that she created and her handling of money got better and better. Setting myself up as her safety net after a certain point was creating a dependency on me that simply wasn't any good for any of us. At this point in her life, she makes more than I've ever made and my grandson is a good boy who loves his Momma. I am Nana. It is his Momma who has the most influence in his life - exactly as I think it should be for our family. It might have turned out differently if I had continued to be the bank to which she could turn. She is also very mature and very loving and I'm very, very proud of her - not because of what I've accomplished but because of what she has accomplished.
thank you, everyone who has contributed. i love to hear your own experiences, it is very helpful to me.
i saw my daughter today (his mom) and she said she had told him that if he needs groceries that she would take him shopping but that she needs 24 hour notice. we are so used to "helping" him. i had previously told her i would pay for his groceries, so i am not sure what is going to happen or what the expectations are. i guess our common thinking was probably "if he's in an sle and sober, then we will help when asked."
i found myself anticipating his needs (which was an old script) - he is an adult now, and i pray he will become independent.
this is really hard.
i am learning a lot, though.
today i set a major boundary with him - he left me a message asking me to take him to a storage facility because he needed clothes and documents. it was a major trigger for me - i almost ran out the door to assist but then stopped myself. i texted him that i didn't think there were clothes in that storage (he has bounced around so much he has no idea where his stuff is) and asked "is this important?" he texted back that it was not important and then i called my sponsor, saw my sponsor and feel i am making some progress.
__________________
"All we see or seem is but a dream within a dream."
Edgar Allan Poe
Row, Row, Row your boat, gently down the stream.
Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Life is but a Dream.
Good. I noticed with my son that one ride led to another ride and another errand and another need that he really needed to meet on his own. When he started demanding rides, etc, I knew I was over doing it and stopped doing it. He didn't like it. I recognized a deep hole in him that I simply couldn't fill and after awhile a lot of it was simply his using me as a taxicab service on an on call basis. If I was busy with something else, it drew his ire. I couldn't change his constant neediness and demands. I could put up boundaries around what I would do and not do. It hurt. I still had to do it for my own sanity and serenity. I'm glad you reached out to your sponsor. My sponsor helped me with these kinds of things too way back when I needed encouragement to listen to myself and do what was the next right thing for me.
