The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
OK So I grew up with an Alcoholic father who stopped drinking when I was 13 with 1 relapse. I then meet my 1st husband when I was 15 turned out he was a drug addict and we split when I was 19 a few weeks later I met my husband! He drank but not like my dad who was a binge drinker (bottles of vodka etc for weeks) so I didnt see it as a problem, then the abuse started I was nothing hed pull7 ed me from the gutters etc. Then he hit me! The violence in our relationship was few and far between probably 7-8 incidents in 11 years the rest of the time it was the fear trying not to wind him up!
Then there was the putting up with the rows when he was drunk that he'd refuse to let drop and then blame me for starting the next day if I agreed with what he was saying I was only doing it to stop the arguement! The fact that he would have started petty rows with me to use as an excuse to take himself off drinking for 3-4 days! I got the blame for everything! 3 years ago I was preganant my 8 year old son was recovering from cancer treatment and he went off to work as usual! except he really hadnt went to work he went off drinking and came back 6 hours later looking more money (this was the first I'd know he wasnt in work) I argued with him and he left rolling in at 2am! (13 hours drinking) we started arguing and he threw a loaf of bread at me I picked the phone up to call the police and my son came down and asked me not to! then he grabbed me 6 months pregnant and started punching me in the face! I called the police and when they turned up he was walking about the kitchen in his boxers eating a sandwich without a care in the world!! he even said to the police man you dont understand its the only thing she understands! I dropped the charges because he begged me that he would loose his job otherwise!
Social services ended up becoming involved and I had to deal with them for a year and eventually we decided to get back together I have no idea why cause during that period I had the baby got sick and was readmitted to hospital for 3 days and despite the fact that due to social services my mum had the kids opposed to him he never once visited me and I was seriously ill!!
There have been so many little incidents and him being selfish staying out all night going off on benders but the past 6 months it has become gradually worse! his brother moved locally and at least once a month he has went to stay there for 3-5 days! in June he seemed very drunk but I hadnt seen him drink that much and he turned round and spat in my face! refusing to take it I did the same back and he grabbed me by the throat! I couldnt breath and tried to push him off me and he got a tiny scrape on his face! again he blamed me! apparantly I spat at him first and he had a cut on his face the bruises on my neck weren't as obvious!
after another bender he came back promising no more drinking I didn't really believe it but really wanted to. Then he struck up a friendship with a girl who I later discovered is also an alcoholic, she had split with her boyfriend and he wanted to meet her at noon for a pint to help her out! I said no way as 1 he was supposed to be stopping drinking and 2nd seriously a woman just split from her boyfriend! he planned to meet her anyway which was foiled by my appointment over running! despite me having issue with this 'friendship' he carried on! and slowly but surely the drinking started again! in secret this time! hiding bottles of wine around the house!
After that I saw the pattern of him trying to start rows so told him if he wanted to go off on a bender to work away but he wasnt going to make me the reason for it! but it happened anyway and off he went drinking again! and again he came back 4 days later full of apologies and promises.
a few weeks back I told him enough was enough and off he went again on another bended I even told his brother wait and see he'll be back on monday! well on the sunday night he messaged to say he'd got a house sorted I congratulated him and told him that it was probably all for the best. at about 12.30am I got a text that he needed help! he turned up at the door about 20 minutes later in tears that he had a problem that he found himself sitting with all the alchos and he knew he had to stop drinking! Even said he'd thought about killing himself! I hoped that it was the start of him realising he needed help.
Within a week he was still talking to that girl and was telling me he felt cornered not being able to drink I told him that Id love him to be able to drink normally but he just couldn't he was well aware of the conditions of him coming back! so it started with a bottle of wine and a few beers ever night again then he went to his dads to pick up presents and ended up going to the pub from 9pm until 2am! but when I said something I was being unfair he wasnt doing anything wrong I was a bully and only wanted him to stop drinking so he had no life outside the house!! SO totally NOT true!! then christmas day he went to his brothers house one of his brothers who wasnt drinking came to pick him up and I said how good it was that his brother wasnt drinking and he said yeah thats because he wants to I asked if he didnt and he said exactly that coined it he didnt want to stop and it didnt matter how I felt or how it hurt me or the kids he wasnt stopping!
on boxing day I messaged him when he was in work to ask him what his paln was with his drinking his reply basically that he had no intention of stopping, that I was emotionally bullying him, that I was the one causing the problems and if I would just leave him alone everything would be ok! That I was a drama queen who thrived on causing problems! and I didnt want him to have a life I was a control freak who couldnt take him not doing what he was told!
I told him that it was over but wed have to live together until our debts were cleared! He never came home that night phoned in sick to work and went to the bar he had my car which I needed to I walked into the town to get shopping bumped into him and asked for the car keys he refused despite the fact the kids were freezing! He finally handed them over and then lied about where the car was. It turned out it was parked outside that girls house though he swears blind there is nothing going on!!
believe it or not that was the short version lol. I know the relationship is poison and that he is blaming me cause he cant accept responsibility himself. our 9 year old messaged him last night and said dad I wish you werent mean to mum I wish you were home and I wish you wouldnt drink beer he replied saying all he needed to know was he loved him and he'd see him soon. now despite the fact he's off today and that I messaged him and he has seen it he hasnt bothered coming to see the kids I have no doubt hes sitting in the barr!
I need to start thinking of myself at the minute I'm just feeling resentment that he's swanning off whilst I'm stuck home with the kids though the laugh is if he was home and I could go out I wouldnt want to lol
Oh TM...I don't want to trivialize any of your horrible experience but I could literally sum up all that you wrote in a few sentences:
"I was a wounded person that found another wounded person who is morally underdeveloped, emotionally retarded, and an alcoholic as well. I have matured some in life, but he has remained the same violent, emotionally crippled relapsing drunk the whole time, as this is what alcoholics do who really do not want to or are not ready to recover."
All the stories, the relapses, the excuses, the promises, the lies....That is what alcoholics do. They also have so much drama and chaos swirling around them that it takes us off our own focus. There is an analogy that it's like a frog who is put in a pot on the stove while alive. The frog will stay in the water that is heating up and boiling because it gets used to the temperature increasing and becoming dangerous up to the point that it winds up getting cooked sitting there in boiling water and not knowing how it happened.
Sounds like you have had enough of this merry go round of alcoholic drama. It will hurt to move forward though because you will have to focus on all the parts of you that were not properly tended to while in the swirl of his chaos. Much of your last decade or more sounds like it has revolved around being mistreated, abandoned, and treated poorly. That is where alanon comes in - to help you learn to care about yourself again and to unearth all the buried toxic crap that is a byproduct of staying in such a horrible relationship for so long.
You are amongst kindred spirits here. I hope you get out to some face to face meetings and find an alanon sponsor as well. Over a decade of living the kind of life you discussed (and you did write it all out very well and clearly) is too much for anyone to just make up their mind "no more" and get over on their own. There is a reason (or multiple reasons) you also keep taking him back and that is part of the problem also to be addressed in alanon. Please keep coming back and dive in to the program!
Welcome to MIP. Ditto Pinkchip's share. I hope you do find an Al-Anon face to face meeting and find a good sponsor when the time is right for you. You are being hurt by a power greater than your AH and greater than you. You can't fight it, fix it or flee it. You can learn how to identify the disease for what it is and learn ways to practice self-care in Al-Anon whether or not you live with him or not or whether he stops drinking or not. There are reasons why we get beat up on all levels in an alcoholic relationship and that is basically because the disease is cunning, baffling and powerful and we are not. I lived a long time telling myself "I could take it" in order to keep my marriage intact and my children in a two parent home. True was I couldn't take it and it was killing me. My kids needed at least one parent to learn a new way. You didn't cause this disease or your AH's behavior. You can't control or cure it either. You can find help and hope in the program if you go with an open mind. Keep coming back here, too.
OMG Pinkchip yes you've actually got it I never saw it that way when we met I was messed up I was just turning 20 had spent 13 years of my life with an alcohlic father moved on to an unhealthy relationship at 15 and stayed until I was 19! my whole life was a drama that was out of my control and exactly that I'm 31 years old and I have out grown the drama! When I met my AH I was in a really bad place I was severly depressed I was living in a dump because I was so depressed that waking in the morning was too much work to be honest things really couldnt have got much worse!
When we met any sort of messed up that my AH was I easily over shadowed with my depression, and for a long time I thought I owed him something for pulling me out of it when truth be told I did that myself even then he was treating me like dirt the problem was I felt I deserved it that I was lucky that he had been kind enough to 'take care' of me when really I was just someone that was willing to do what ever he wanted as I was too scared to loose him!
When I moved past that got a nicer house in a nicer area he started taking credit for my achievements and still putting me down about things like the state of the house I'll never be housewife of the year lol.
As I've got older and wiser and stronger and no longer allowed him to take credit for pulling me from depression he moved on to the husework and when I finally stood up and told him that if he didnt like the way the house was kept he had 3 options put up with it, clean it himself or move out! he stopped using that as an insult and has moved on to calling me a bully and control freak.
OMG its amazing how a simple comment from someone can make you see things you were blind too. Yes I have changed over the years I have matured and he has been stuck in the drama and tried to accuse me of causing it.
But I know that while hes in the bar getting drunk causing rows getting into fights and taking drugs I'll be sitting calmly in my house enjoying my kids and the quiet life! Yes I have had a lot of drama in my life through being unable to walk away from the destructive influences in my life!
It sounds like you have gotten some good suggestions. Its good you have reached out and not isloated yourself. I got myself an alcoholic too, i needed to be needed and i needed to know he wouldnt leave me and its very hard to loose and alcoholic. I got myself into alanon and ive been in recovery for almost 3 years and im deali g with the issues within me that are unhealthy. I suggest going to the alanon website and searching for your nearest meeting. It seems to me you are open to getting to the truth of you and here you will find support from people who are knkw what its like.
I hope you get to al anon meetings so you can begin to heal from the torture you and your children have experienced from this man. Take care of you, you are worth it.
Its hard tired mummy. A brilliant friend of mine just explained ala non programme to me like this, she said, we keep showing up and gradually we grow self worth and become unable to accept other people who treat us as if we don't matter. Because we begin to matter to ourselves. Keep on growing a sense of self worth. As I say that to you I'm also saying it to me. Hope you and the kids have a lovely meal to enjoy for the beginning of new year. Lots of hugs from down under.
Hi and welcome
I am glad you found us as mentioned in all the other shares face to face meetings are where I found the love and support to heal and grow. Alcoholism is a family illness your husband is very s pick physically, mentally and spiritually. I heard it salience th d y have the illness and the family gets the spots. My ex part got into AA and beg a n to fight the disease but unfortunately he . Picked a drink up 5 months ago and within a week his . Life was crazy. He treated me badly and we split up. Your story was mine but also anon loved me until I loved myself, my partner has also been unfaithful when drunk. In al anon I learnt what I could and could not change. Today my ex is drinking drugging breaking the law and surrounded by not so nice people. I am surrounded by the loveliest most caring people in the worldly all anon family. My house is so peaceful my c children and his . Miss him but while he is active he can not be there for anyone , I have let hi. Go I pray he will go to AA and get better but I am just getting me better taking my all anon medicine to get rid of these spots.
Keep coming back you are worth it, stick with all anon it works if you work it
Hugs Tracy xxxxxxxxxxx
