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Not reacting to what other say it's sometimes exhausting to me!
A daughter of my finance "indicates" negative things about me (and others), as if she is insulting me through the other person or hoping I'll say something back to defend myself- through others, and get a whole tug of war going. Anyone know what I mean?
She has a lot of things in her life that mimic the very things she is spreading about others.. it's just cazy.
My finance just takes it in stride, he has let her know he's not buying it already.
It's uncomfortable for me to go to her home or hang out with family/ friends in a group when I know she's been saying half truths/ twisting things etc. I don't know how to "pretend" to be family with someone who is mean to others in the family.
It's also true this type of behavior scares me, you never know if you get in a conversation with a person like this, if she will use something against you. Other than being a "wimp" and trying to "hide" from this I don't have a clue what to do. Seems like "standing up to this" is like a dog barking at the rain, I'll just seem crazy.
Any ideas on dealing with emotional terrorism other than to just keep on not playing the game?
-- Edited by glad on Tuesday 30th of December 2014 08:23:09 AM
I think theres a difference in not reacting and not having a boundary. If she talks about others in front of you, its ok for you to say, im not comfortable with this conversation, lets talk about something else. You can validate your feelings, its not wrong or confrontational. If she chooses to continue with the negative put downs then leave the room. You have choices, noone holds you hostage unless you allow it. Your powerless over her issues, you cant change her but you can change your response, dont tolerate intolerable behaviour because in my experience whe you do you sell yourself short and your self esteem goes down.
Also, choosi g to not be in the company of unhealthy people is not being a wimp, i think thats the courage part, the dojng the right thing for you regardless of what others say or think, that takes guts.
Hi Glad-- reminding myself that I am powerless over others is my first step in deciding how to handle a situation such as the one you describe .
I can identify with the experience and have in the past made an attempt to deny the reality of the situation and "pretend "that I could be accepting of the person and her actions. That did not work for me.
I then decided, most importantly not to listen to any rumors, gossip or tale bearing about what she said and to whom and at the same time decided I would not ruin my serenity or principles by attending any intimate family functions where this person would be. I did not insist that others agree with my position or change their minds as to attending the functions. I simply chose to go elsewhere and my partner could attend. This position has worked well for over 20 years and just this past Christmas I received a sweet Christmas card from the person with a lovely note and warm wishes I will not be "fooled again".
I agree with LC -electing not to be with a destructive person is not bein a" "wimp", it is have the courage to validate yourself.
I belong to a group of women that I enjoy for many reasons and on the other hand I notice when we come together, they discuss things about people they know in common or from their workplaces by name that is very uncomfortable for me. I was considering leaving the group for this reason but prayed about it and decided that I would continue to belong to the group, keep changing the subject when they bring up other people who aren't in the room and keep my personal life to myself because I cannot trust they won't be talking about my life when I'm not there. They aren't people judging others as much as they are good people who truly do care about others but have their nose in other people's business - a bad habit this recovering codependent recognizes from her own past. I don't have to enter into the discussions or judge them. I can simply enjoy them for who they are and understand the underlying codependency issues contributing to minding other people's business. If they talked about others in a way that was hurtful, revengeful or tale bearing to feed their own malicious spirit, I'd make another choice. But, they're not. They're just women who haven't learned yet to keep the focus on themselves without trying to figure out how to "help" another who hasn't asked for their help.
