The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I hold on to thoughts that are old and out of date and should have been discarded way back somewhere but for some reason, not completely sure, ive held on to them. The idea that because a relationship has lasted a long time it should last forever. Why? Its like one of those ideas or thoughts i had when i was 7, a childish, romantic notion. I knew it worked in my almost 20yrs with an alcoholic, i held on firm to that idea.
I also seem to have this idea when it comes to friendships, i will cling on no matter what even when everything around that relationship is saying let it go, its out of date, move on, open up to new relationships and experiences. The old ones are done. Things can just be done, no big deal or drama, just done yet within me i fight this simple and logical fact with 'oh weve been frinds for thirty five years, i cant throw away what we had, were close, we have that history, its special, everyone says so, its valuable etc.'
The awareness i had with the alcoholic in my life and then the acceptance and the fact i have let go and it was relatively easy once i got honest about the whole thing with alanon. However, i seem to have put my learning in one box and not used the tools with all relationships. Its time, i let go of these old relationships, they dont fit anymore, ive grown up and out of my old skin, ive got different, new ideas. I can wait about for scraps of time with mostly unhealthy people, who i do love, but i also do love my son but i dont wait on him calling and fret when he doesnt return my calls and so on. i dont think a friendship should make you feel vulnerable and lonely. If it does then i think i need to let it go, let the old ideas that have kept me trapped go, they dont make sense arent logical and could actually be hurting me.
It's one of my favorite things that I have discovered in Al-Anon. I found me. Because I found me I've been able to cut ties when necessary. I've been able to create really healthy boundaries. I've been given perspective, and the ability to take a step back and evaluate.
It seems to me that you have the awareness for the other parts of your relationships so now you're preparing to take action, what a fantastic place to be in to begin 2015!
I agree elcee. I think it's just a natural thing that you are starting to look after yourself and choose things that make you happy. Years spent with an alcoholic will teach you self-sacrifice and that your own needs, desires, and what makes you feel good has to be sacrificed. That is an outdated idea. I think it's normal to go out and make new and closer friends who reflect and mirror the positive person you have grown into today.
It's like the sick conditioned pre-alanon brain says "Oh you have a duty to stick it out. You can't just ditch these people. They have issues and a good person would have empathy and work with them. You've had a relationship for XX years, so you still need to pour energy into it."
Meanwhile, nobody said anything about ditching people. You are just making new friends to spend time with who are available and who meet your needs. That is normal. Relationships are for fun. Sometimes they are work, but if they aren't fun, what's the point? You can still be friends with all the old folks, but they just wont be your besties or your go to hangout people. They may slip off the radar. It happens. If they need you they can seek you out. You don't have to chase them. This was a novel concept for me after years of chasing around unavailable people.
Yes...turns out relationships are put into our lives for a reason, a season, or a life time. It's not our place to know exactly which category the relationship is in until our HP makes it evident. But.,,once it is evident, it's time to get out there and form new relationships and/or just be happy or happier with what is.
It has been my experience that alcoholics are too focused on their needs and they are too impulse driven. In contrast, alanoners seem to not be focused enough on their own needs and they are driven too much by an overactive and overpunitive "conscience" of sorts.
Love this share, el cee. I, too, am re-evaluating the relationships I've had with others for years. I'm grateful for what I've enjoyed with them or experienced and yet (as Pinkchip says) they aren't really much fun for me and what's the point? Just went through a very unhappy experience with an old friend who I've known and loved for over 20 years and I'm still processing what I now see are issues this person has and has had that I'm no longer willing to allow in my life. I don't have to and honestly I don't want to. I'd rather spend time with my HP and myself than to spend time with someone who has many good qualities but still finds ways to "go for the jugular" which for them is their idea of fun. I don't like being with people who "tease or strike" just because they can do it and find that behavior to be funny when it isn't. I don't have to hate them or be mad at them or to gossip about them. I can recognize what is true for me and that is I don't like being with people who use their good minds and mouths to wound others because they enjoy it and move on without grandstanding or striking back.
The idea that because a relationship has lasted a long time it should last forever.
I also seem to have this idea when it comes to friendships, i will cling on no matter what even when everything around that relationship is saying let it go, its out of date, move on, open up to new relationships and experiences. 'oh weve been frinds for thirty five years, i cant throw away what we had, were close, we have that history, its special, everyone says so, its valuable etc.'
((((el-cee)))) look how long i kept that bio sister of mine in my life....it took me forever to let her go...to move on.....i found out just how great alanon was, the other day, when she called me and i was soooo "over it" detached.....I had moved on.....thank you alanon....but oh yea, i used to be just like your post.......even old clothing i hung onto , i was a pack rat in my things, people, oh yea...couldn't let go, but now i can.....soo gr8ful for this program
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
