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Hello I am thinking i should work the 12 steps , new to Alannon and please forgive me if this is wrong..
We admitted we were powerless over _______--that our lives had become unmanageable.
I am powerless over my husbands outburst ,
I am powerless over his drinking
I am powerless over the effect it is causing my son
I am powerless, I am simply powerless over much of my own life
knowing how powerless I am does not fix anything nor those it make me feel any better ,,,
Yesterday was a huge day here, i faced him without fears, his yelling and accusations fell in deaf ears, the denial he had over his drinking, i stood still and calm, and said i had enough, i wanted to leave, 18 years is a long time , today the storm is calm , and he walks around the house as if yesterday never happened, he's not had a drink yet, and tries to make small talk, he's charming to our son and not once as he been condescending or rude , feels strange , since everyday he complains about something ,,
I feel empty inside, my thoughts are all over, and even if he was to sober up and become father of the year or husband of the year, so much damage as been done , my heart no longer has room to love him, maybe i even don't want him to heal, if he did i would feel an obligation to stay , confusion fills my thoughts , why do i feel so empty when i should feel such joy to finally having been able to say what i felt ?
Is it okay to post these thoughts? I'm not looking for answers or a solution , I don't know that there is , i guess just want to know i am not alone , and maybe someone understand why i feel so empty,, so powerless,,
I have been toying with Alannon, i say toying because i come and go, i did some f2f meeting, I should go back ,, i read on these walls and join in chat room, yesterday the member there truly helped me a that was an angel talking to me , helped me see that i was not the cause of his drinking, helped me understand that no matter the situation, the disease would make him drink ,,it's not my bad marriage that makes him drink,,,thank you
Hi Compliments.
I recently had to end a four year relationship because of the addictions. I had to do it because I was no longer in love with him and I thought about how traumatic my own childhood was being in a home with an alcoholic. So, I took my power back and made the decision to end it. It was hard. I fell for his lies, charms and the false promises of change. But you will know when it is time to go. Something will "click" and you will know when you have had enough. I would say go to meetings if you can. they do help. Life goes on. Stay strong.
Maybe that empty space that you are feeling is the space that your HP will fill? Regardless - good for you in saying what you meant, meaning what you said and not saying it mean. I felt that way when I, too, reached my limit of tolerance. I felt sad and I felt determined I was done and that I'd stay done. I did stay done. I didn't stay sad.
Aloha Comp...you're in the right place with the right attitude. It is time for you to commit to your recovery in spite of and regardless of who or what he is. He isn't bad and neither are you. This is about the disease of alcoholism which alters all minds, mood, behaviors and spirit of those touched by it. Your husband actually is less than you because he has the chemical running in him...you don't. Alcoholism is a fatal disease and it seems that you want to and are stepping away from the fatal nature of it. I've seen the disease kill none drinking and none using people. You don't have the chemical inside of you to block out reality and therefore like us have gone thru the crises and chaos wide awake while he has been insulated and changed.
Rather than project too far and deeply into the future and try to think up outcomes with a brain that is under so much stress how about just simply making a commitment to getting back into the Al-Anon face to face rooms and doing as many meetings as you can, one day at a time over a 90 day period of time. I can tell you what worked for me early on...from the start. "If you keep an OPEN MIND ...you will find help". First promise that the program made to me and first promise which was fulfilled. I just needed help and I got it and am still getting it. Everything and anything that can get better and healed is centered around you getting better and healed first.
There is a huge difference between getting away from the alcoholic and/or getting away from the affects of alcoholism. I was born and raised in the disease. Because of the programs of Al-Anon an AA I live happily and fully in spite of where I came from. I wish you the same. Stay with us and keep coming back. You're here for a reason.
my husband and i just separated again for the maybe 5th or 6th time. i feel empty too, i miss him. he of course is feeling rejected but im really proud of the both of us. he's recovering but found himself on plateau where he started using more and more and began lying to me and being violent again. my boundaries were that if he drank he would find arrangements for the night and not expose us to his addiction. but he ran with this and i gave him six months of saying, cross the boundaries and you will have to find another place to stay. so he did, then i had to enforce my consequence on christmas eve of all things. but we just had a date night last night and spent the day together. we are communicating through our shared hurt and even attended an aa meeting this afternoon. he knew the consequence i set for his drinking and chose to use anyway; that was beyond my control.. but i can control my part of my life and he is respecting me for it and now taking steps to improve his self once again. I love him and am grateful that he will take me seriously; i still feel empty and alone with him gone and must fight the urge to give into the loneliness. we must be apart in order for him to work on his self worth and to realize that his alcoholism will cost him our marriage and our daughter no matter what day it is, abuse is an unacceptable part of my reality.
Hello and welcome to Miracles in Progress. I am so happy that you shared your thoughts on Step One and I can so identify with the empty feeling of which you speak.
I believe that I felt empty after working this step because I had finally accepted the fact that I could no longer attempt to control the uncontrollable and that being powerless over all the people that I focused on, made my life meaningless.
I discovered that the emptiness was the result of my abandoning myself, my needs, my wants, my desires in order to make others happy. Thank God for the next step-- Step Two which asked me to come to believe that a Power Greater than myself could restore me to sanity. The sanity that I was looking for is the ability to believe in a HP and to learn how to take care of myself in a healthy fashion. Please keep coming back, keep attending face-to-face meetings. This is a process and takes time. There is hope
Compliments wrote: maybe i even don't want him to heal, if he did i would feel an obligation to stay , confusion fills my thoughts , why do i feel so empty when i should feel such joy to finally having been able to say what i felt ?
Is it okay to post these thoughts? I'm not looking for answers or a solution , I don't know that there is , i guess just want to know i am not alone , and maybe someone understand why i feel so empty,, so powerless,,
i was not the cause of his drinking, helped me understand that no matter the situation, the disease would make him drink ,,it's not my bad marriage that makes him drink,,,thank you
of COURSE its ok to post your thoughts!!! Post away....and welcome to MIP and you are NOT alone....your helper at the meeting was spot on.....you neer caused his problems...you will never control him/problems.....and for sure u won't ever cure him......that is his path/journey to work on or not work on....and i get it!!! the "i really dont' want to be obligated to staying w/him" but really.....For his sake I hope he does heal...that does not mean that a reconciliation is compulsory......forgiveness is an action of ONE....U 4give, after you work through the hurt and 4giveness does NOT mean its "ok" what he did or that you accept it in anyway....4giveness only means you give up the revenge, resentment and you MOVE ON.....reconciliation takes two and there is NO rule that you have to keep him in your life if you don't want him......that is 1000% your right to choose, who you have in your life........some people stay...some leave.....I left....I didn't want to stay in a relatioship that I had to work SO hard on, detaching, letting go, giving up ANY expectations of a stable life with him, so i bailed......i want an equal..healthy....mutually caring...mutually respectful....trusting relationship or I will stay alone.....that is how it works for me......in no way are you obligated if he should get into recovery.....you didn't do this, you are not to blame...you are never ever obligated to anyone with the only exception is if you had a minor child, you would be obligated to raise that child to maturity....but thats about it......hes an adult....this is his problem...never yours.....please go to as many meets as you can, find a sponsor to guide you on the steps and work on you...its about time you loved yourself and put YOU first and YOUR needs and YOUR wants....because you deserve a decent life with an even chance for happiness within you and in your surroundings.......glad you reached out and posted.....IN SUPPORT
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Your not powerless over you. You get to shape your life into whatever you want. Step 1 is not about giving up. Maybe take the prograam slowly. I would start with f2face meetings and go from there.
Hi Compliments and welcome to MIP. You are among friends here who know your pain and confusion. When I read your post, I was reminded of myself over 7 months ago. You did not cause your husband to drink, you cannot control his drinking and you cannot cure him. He has a disease and his disease affects everyone it touches. You are powerless over your husband's alcoholism, BUT you are not powerless over how his alcoholism affects you. There is help for you. Al-Anon is a recovery program for people who have been affected by someone's drinking.
Before God led me to Al-Anon, I had reached a point where I no longer wanted to live. I have been with my program for over 7 months. I have a tool box full of my Al-Anon tools and I used them every day. One of my favorite tools is an Al-Anon slogan, "let go and let God." Please I urged you to go to the meetings. Give the program a chance to help you.
Let God take care of your ah. You focus on taking care of you.
One day at a time.
((Compliments)) Keep coming back here.
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Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold O-on P-pain E-ends
I understand how you feel about step 1. It was hard for me, too. I wanted to fix him! I believe what step 1 is telling me is that's it's Ok to not be able to change someone....I can let God take control of the situation, and hand my problems over to Him. The burden is lifted from me. I am becoming free to do what I need to do and live how I need to live in order to have peace.
The heart is deceitful above all things...I had to learn to listen to my brain to survive. Even if my ex A had gotten sober it was gonna be a long hard road to learn to live sober and I didn't have any strength left... I needed to take care of me reagardless of what happened to him.
BTW from what I see on facebook from mutual friends etc . he seems to have found someone who is okay with drinking and his rough ways, seems like she matches him much better and he seems happy... but I know the truth.. he is still struggling with some things I have no more energy to put up with, no matter the improvements... and I am incredibly happy in my new life.. One of the reasons I stayed was because I was afraid he would "get it together" without me thus proving it was all my fault.. the heart is deceitful above all things!!
For me it didn't matter if I loved him or not anymore (maybe I did, maybe fixing him and trying to be the tolerant wife was my addiction) maybe I felt I had to get it right before I left...but I discovered my "feelings" were not what I needed to listen to. I needed to look at the facts.
My ex often "straighted up" when a break up was evident...it only hurt more and more when the same old same old happened over and over!
I hear you that you have children... my kids were much better when they saw me love myself!
ALL I CAN SAY IS I UNDERSTAND COMPLETELY. DH HAS SIMILAR BEHAVIOR. JUST KEEP OPEN TO PEOPLE WHO WILL ENTER YOUR LIFE LIKE ANGELS TO LIFT YOUR BURDENS AND TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. PEOPLE IN MY FACE TO FACE MEETINGS SAY TO ME WHEN I COMPLAIN OF MY HUSBAND'S DENIAL AND MY ATTEMPTS TO POINT OUT HIS PROBLEMS.
A DOG KNOWS HE IS A DOG AND DOESNT NEED ANYONE TO TELL HIM
I am just starting into the programme and funnily step one was the one that brought me here I realised that there was nothing I could say or do that was ever going to change his thinking or behaviour! then on Christmas day were were talking about his brother who has stopped drinking! I said good for him hows he doing and he said it was fine because he wanted to do it! when I asked my husband and what you dont he said exactly! lightbulb!! as long as he wants to drink he is going to!
The only thing I can change is me! my attitude, my feelings and what I am prepared to put up with I cant get him to stop but I can stop his drinking affecting me and my kids!
Thank you so much for all your replies and support ,,, i have not moved to step two yet and I'm not sure when i will, i am learning and applying step one in all aspect of my life right now, i feel more confident and emotionally stronger when situations happens and I can say to myself those are his or hers actions I am powerless over their actions but i can control my reactions to them,,, not always easy, because as much you have no power over others actions if you don't tell them that their actions are hurting you how can you expect them to stop ?
The trick is to learn how to not be hurt by the actikns of others. Its not easy and takes time to work the program, meetings and listeni g to others as well as reading. Learning about alcoholism as a disease means the words and actions of a sick person dont have any power when you put them into perspective. Its like someone who has tuerettes, if they were shouting and swearjng at you would you get hurt? No, being hurt is a choice we can make. An alcoholic behaves in certain ways and so does the people in their lives. We can set boundaries, we dont stay where we are being abused within that moment, we remove ourselves from the room. Your the boss of your mind and you say what hurts and what doesnt.
it would bother me if someone with tourette's was yelling at me. just because it isn't "their fault," it would still impact me, negatively. you don't become suddenly immune to aggressive/destructive/negative behaviors when they are in your field of perception.
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"All we see or seem is but a dream within a dream."
Edgar Allan Poe
Row, Row, Row your boat, gently down the stream.
Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Life is but a Dream.
ohno we do not become immune to negative behavior instead we work very hard to develop constructive self validating tools to keep us detached with courage, serenity and wisdom. Many of us have pretended our feelings did not count for too long.
Alanon suggest that we stand tall, not react, process al that is happening and then look within for the most constructive act that we can take and do it
Reacting to negative events by screaming, crying ,threatening, judging and blaming is not acceptable as it does not help the situation and can hinder a solution.These behaviors switch the focus to our behavior and off the prime issue. The program takes time to understand and to work That is why we suggest that you take what you like and leave the rest.: Leaving the rest means for me that : we do not try to tear the idea down or negate it-- we just do not use that tool unit we are ready
obviously, it is working for some people and that's awesome. my point was in response to the above post that seemed to indicate that we don't get angry at a person with tourettes . . . in fact, the body response might just be anger - it must be stressful to have someone yelling at you for no apparent reason. some people might have stronger constitutions than others and can put up with more . . . not sure.
if someone was drinking gasoline, i would not go to a meeting and try to figure out how to cope with that. to me, alcohol to the alcoholic is the same - it's just unbearable to know that some people are choosing to harm themselves. it's hard to be "okay" with that or "at peace" with that while it is happening.
i don't know - i just know it's not easy.
fyi: i do pray, meditate, go to meetings and use other tools. i still have anxiety. on some level my body has not gotten the memo that i "should" be at peace.
-- Edited by ohno on Thursday 1st of January 2015 07:05:40 PM
__________________
"All we see or seem is but a dream within a dream."
Edgar Allan Poe
Row, Row, Row your boat, gently down the stream.
Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Life is but a Dream.
Ohno, it seems to me your delibrately taking a defensive stance rather than reading between the lines. I just used an example to say that we react differently to people when we understand them more. In my experience when i learned about alcoholism as a disease it helped me get compassion and my expectations changed just like if i was with someone with tuerettes, just as an example. Im not going to start arguing with them and insisting they stop swearing am i? That would be ridiculous. If i understand the problem then why would i take it personally?
Your grandson is drinking and that hurts you, nothing is going to completely stop your hurt but if you want to feel better and still live a happy life then there is a way to do it. My son is drinking, he was drunk last night. Does this mean i love him less because i chose to not be obsessed and utterly depressed by this fact? You choose to fret and worry, did it help you or your grandson?
Try looking for the similarities rather than the differences in our experiences.
let's just agree to disagree. and, as far as i know (fingers and toes crossed) my grandson is not drinking.
i am still anxious.
i, personally, could not tolerate a person with tourette's being in my space. that's just me. it wouldn't matter WHY they were swearing and yelling - to me, it would simply be disturbing.
i am grouchy today (because of my anxiety) and will try to be quiet and not debate. thanks
__________________
"All we see or seem is but a dream within a dream."
Edgar Allan Poe
Row, Row, Row your boat, gently down the stream.
Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Life is but a Dream.
Its all good in my books, its a difficult road were all on and we cant always be nicey nicey. Its good to challenge and debate i think. Imglad your grandson is sober.x
OHNO none of this is easy!!!!--- Acceptance and detachment are the keys. Accepting that I am powerless over others, that life must be lived on life's terms and not mine helps me to not react in negative situations.
Today my 70 year old brother, who is retired is sitting in a rehab healing from a broken hip with a huge bottle of Gin in the closet of his room. This was brought by one of his many friends. I could report this, take the bottle home, , force my will and when I leave the friend will be back with another. He is drinking what you refer to as poison and I am powerless . It is his life and he is a grown up with free will.
I must accept that I am powerless over people, places and things and that by tying to make others behave in the fashion I believe they should is insanity on my part. This is detachment and it is works.l.
The only person I have power over is myself , my responses and my life Alanon gives my the tools to handle this well.
you are a saint, with superpowers, hotrod! i agree that you are powerless - no argument there - i am also powerless over my own body, which chooses to react with extreme fear and anxiety! how do you manage your emotions?
__________________
"All we see or seem is but a dream within a dream."
Edgar Allan Poe
Row, Row, Row your boat, gently down the stream.
Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Life is but a Dream.
It helps me to ask myself the question: Whose business am I in? Mine, God's or another person's? It is amazing to me how that question helps me recognize that often I am feeling extreme anxiety because I'm mentally fearing what could happen or remembering what did happen once upon a time and fearing it will happen again. It also helps me to notice where I'm sitting or standing, the way things look to me, feel to me, sound to me. That helps me return to the present moment and calm down. Usually, extreme fear or anxiety, for me, has to do with the future that I can't see or wanting another person to behave in a certain way. Warm baths, walks, housekeeping, laundry, taking care of the dishes or my cats helps me refocus my thoughts, too. Reading on topics or steps in my readers that pertain to what I'm thinking or feeling helps a lot; especially if I keep reading until I notice I'm peaceful again.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 1st of January 2015 08:07:40 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 1st of January 2015 08:25:42 PM
I assure you I am not a saint. I only have alanon powers and my Higher Power That and practice is enough to stay sane with courage, serenity and a little wisdom.
We are not about perfection. We are about progress. This program works when we work it and sometimes the disease will still get us in between times. I have a slogan that I love "Don't React" which my elder sponsor gave me and I love it when it works and when I'm not working it I still get had. Just recently happened and the reaction was just as toxic as when I was still married and living with my alcoholic/addict and alcoholic relationship. I get to thinking that maybe my disease affected mother's suggest that I should become a monk was a good one. lol (((((hugs)))))
OhNo, I personally do not have anxiety attacks. However, 3 of my 4 daughters do have it. I can only tell you what I hear and see from them. The more they live in reality and process that reality through a filter of gratitude for what they DO have, they do much better in life. They don't worry about their loved ones and alcohol, but they worry about life in general and a lot of things that they can't put their finger on.
I attribute it to living with my hubby as they were growing up and never knowing when the rug would be pulled out from under them. Will he be in a good mood or should I tell my friends not to come over or call? Will he be wearing clothes while he is passed out watching tv? Will I watch him rummage through the refrigerator with his dirty fingers in all the food leftovers? That kind of behavior made them wary of everything in the home. Now that they have homes of their own they carry over the anxiety but don't really know why.
Keep on keeping on and going to your meetings and reading on here. Your anxiety will lesson even though it doesn't go completely away. Live with the attitude of gratitude and know that you will be okay no matter what!
I only have alanon powers and my Higher Power That and practice is enough to stay sane with courage, serenity and a little wisdom.