The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I mentioned that I had my meeting Friday night. I knew, from past experience, I would go and it would be spot on. Certainly enough it was. We had to move to a different location because we were locked out of our usual room. Our book that has the Welcome and format was also locked in the room but we had a pamphlet for newcomers that has part of the greeting.
The person who had the program topic was not there so we asked for suggestions. It was very much a "winging it" meeting and yet everything happened just as it was supposed to.
The hope of Al-anon.
When I first arrived I was so incredibly angry. I didn't know how to process the overwhelming emotions. I didn't know how to deal with the craziness of my life living with an active A.
The first few weeks that I was going to my meeting I kept telling family and friends that I was great and the meetings were great and everything was going to work out. I was trying really hard to let go, to not control. Not that I had any control.
That was 3 years ago. I would be a big puddle of a hot crazy mess at this point if I hadn't made my way into the safe place of our rooms.
I had to learn to be honest with myself. I had to learn how to accept what I couldn't change, change what I could and decide if what I couldn't change was something that I needed to let go of.
Because of my program I learned that I don't have to answer.
When my SIL sent a text saying that all of my family and friends were wrong and that I was going to hell I didn't have to answer.
When I ended the process of joint counseling last spring my MIL sent a text blaming me for everything. Instead of answering I just let it go.
I don't have to fight I can understand that sometimes the best response is no response. I also learned that there are times when it is absolutely necessary to stand your ground and fight, and that is also how I made the decision to leave. I looked at the situation and I looked at the pattern, and I recognized that it had finally reached a point where I needed to leave.
I was able to see that for all the talk of change and being completely different my soon to be ex AH was sounding a lot like he had all the previous times.
I expected him to move on, start dating, and be engaged before our divorce is final. I did not expect the text messages of "love" as he moves on with the new girlfriend.
I had more than one person remind me over these past few days that he is sick, and that his brain is affected by the disease. When not living in the environment daily I can forget that easily. I can have unrealistic expectations of how he "should be" behaving. I can throw my program out the window and check FB pages and have a roiling anger in myself.
I'm thankful for this board, I'm thankful for my meetings and I'm thankful for my sponsor! I'm thankful that I don't stay stuck but that I have the tools and reading and hope and encouragement to keep moving forward.
I can so relate to your share. I have hopes I can move on and
not let my ah in my head and heart, it is much too painful. I will
miss the good years and times and remember them fondly but
I hope to forgive and forget the bad years. So much damage
was done with malicious intent and mind sickness from my dry
ah and his enabling mother. I need to move on and save myself
and my sanity. The last 6 months of being free from most of his
abuse has been very healing to my soul. I will be thankful when
the divorce and settlement is final. I just wish my heart would
follow along with that belief. God give me strength to accept the
things I can not change.
