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Ever since he got out of rehab 11 years ago, my son has lived about a 3 hour flight away from me - I'm not sure, but as far as I know he's staying away from his original drug of choice (crystal meth), but he drinks (often to excess) and smokes grass - he's obviously not working any program. I am pretty sure that he has clinical depression, although he refuses any kind of treatment for that issue.
It was long overdue, but I finally found the strength to detach from him (financially, at least) about six months ago.
Until two weeks ago, I had usually heard from my son (text or call) every week, more or less - I never know what to expect - sometimes he's positive and upbeat, other times his world is collapsing around him. For the past two weeks, he's been non-communicative and non-responsive - looks like his cell phone has been cut off and there's really no other way to contact him - no real friends or a girlfriend.
I fear for his safety - but I am pretty sure that's just the disease working me over and increasing my anxiety, without any real reason for me to fear for his safety, aside from the normal fears all of us have every day that live with this type of situation.
What I wanna do is find out what's going on - even though I'd be powerless to do anything about what's going on or what might or might not happen - what I think the program tells me to do is sit tight and do nothing - even though the "not knowing" is the latest "hardest thing I'd ever thought I'd have to do" situation.
Please, someone remind me that I need to sit tight, pray, and work my program - LOL, unless there's a Step I'm not aware of that'd support me flying there to find out what's going on.
Thanks!
-- Edited by texas yankee on Saturday 27th of December 2014 10:48:45 PM
In one of our readers, this truth appears: Whatever we need to know will come to us with no effort on our part. When I get shaky because I need or want to know something I don't know, I remember this sentence. It is always a big help for me and I can usually go on to do something else and think about something else. I have also found it helpful to talk with my HP and share exactly what I'm thinking and feeling about my son. Not everything changes outside of me when I do this and yet I can generally feel peaceful when I do it.
I agree Catherine. I have found that reading to be oh so true. I would continue to pray for serenity, courage and wisdom and trust that what I need to know will come to me.
Pinkchip once told me 'more will be revealed' and I use that comment quite often to step back and let the universe come to me with whatever information I need, as and when I need it. So difficult, I know. For me keeping busy helps (especially when I'm busy doing things that I enjoy or with other people).
I feel for you with this one. My son would disappear for days at a time. I couldnt stand it and would go looking for him. My program taught me to not react on my fears and worries, its very difficult. Its such a selfish and controlling way to behave. I think on some level my son done this to punish me. He was always ok and usually enjoying himself, to not pick up a phone is mind blowing to me. I suggest praying ang giving it up to your higher power, when the worry builds call your sponsor or come here and let it out. If anything had happened to him you would know by now, so no news is good news.
We all have times when we feel like our world is collapsing around us. When I was an active alcoholic, I used to make those times everyone else's problem. I had such horrible boundaries. My own mother would freak if she didn't hear from me longer than a week or two because I think she was conditioned to hear me calling with my problems and I trained her without meaning for it to happen to be worried that I was dead or something if I didn't call.
Little did I know, grown ups don't really go to their moms so much with all their drama and complaining as they see their mothers deserve a break, are done raising them, and they don't want to worry their moms. It took me being sober about 3 or 4 years for my mom to finally stop freaking out if she doesn't hear from me for a bit.
Now it's like she figures "no news is good news." Prior, since I dumped my problems like a little brat so much on to her, she could not assume that (or it wasn't as easy I'm sure).
It may help to just assume the best here. You might have a gut feeling something is wrong, but until you find out otherwise, why not just assume your son is having the time of his life and doing whatever he wants to do?
I forgot you are the father here but the message is still pretty much the same. For whatever reason, my mom is the vocal one, the worrier...the one to run everything by, the one I whined to and the one I dumped my problems on. My father, I know he was worried and he was always right there as well but mom would always be like "Me and your father feel...." and "Me and your father think..." I think the alcoholic dynamics made my mom so dominant and controlling that she drowned out my dads voice. It's not as much like that now but mom still wears the pants. I think if my mom didn't play her role, I could have easily moved my drama to my dad. That would have been horrible because my dad is soft and I would have worked him worse and I would have had even more amends to make.
Thanks, each one of you, for your words of encouragement, support, and most importantly at this point for me - hope - I'm almost ashamed of myself for letting this latest incident get such a hold on me, after all I've been through - I know better.
I will remind myself about "Whatever we need to know will come to us with no effort on our part" - I hadn't heard that - and of course, I'll refocus my efforts on prayer and staying busy.
You are right, el-cee, about my son doing this to punish me somehow, and certainly to manipulate me somehow - it's crazy how these folks think - after all of the damage he's left in his wake (lost girlfriends, lost jobs, distanced siblings and other family members, etc.), he puts it to the one family member that still loves him - and I bet that, deep down inside, he knows how much this would hurt me, and that hurts him, too!
I woke up to find an email from my Son this morning - "My phone is turned off - I am fine" - LOL, no additional details, no insights into what's going on with him - maybe I'm better off not knowing any details.
Thanks again for the encouragement, support, and hope - and thanks for being there for me.
Thats great news. Good for you for holding out and then the news did come like grateful said. Its an amzing gift this program and these program people, especially during these times. I ould take these events very personally and hold a grudge for a while and get very angry about it but now i know about the disease then i dont blame anymore and i forgive easily now because i know its driven by a lot of inner pain so compassion is called for. This is better for us because then we can still live our lives happily without all the negativity. We are entitled to a good life so go do something nice for you today.
Yeah, I'm the Dad here - my Son's Mother (my ex-wife) and I haven't spoken in a long time - years. Great insight about how "she (in this case he, my Son) was conditioned to hear me calling with my problems and I trained her without meaning for it to happen to be worried that I was dead or something if I didn't call" - and I am certainly responding here just as I was "trained" to do - I need to break that habit right now.
I don't know if or how my Son and his Mother interact - I never ask him about it - she was always manipulative and self-centered and worried mostly about herself and how everyone else was responsible for her problems - maybe my Son inherited some of that from her.
While I was a pushover for my Son for a lotta years, I am *finally* getting better at doing what I should do - thanks again.
Glad you heard from him. When I was a young adult and on my own, I can't remember ever thinking "My parents will be worried if I don't call." They'd check on me if I'm remembering correctly, but I was for the most part out and doing what I could do to learn to live on my own. I don't know too many college age kids - As or not - who are actively engaged in considering their parents or their parents' needs. I discovered with many of the college age volunteers that have worked with me in the past, they loved their families and they didn't consider their parents much when it came to thoughtfulness or consideration for their parents' thoughts and feelings to the degree the parents might have needed or liked. They also seemed to need a little more parenting by adults other than their parents who could look at things from their parents' angle and make suggestions or share their experience, strength and hope. Perhaps there are adults in your son's life right now who are saying exactly what you'd be saying but he can't hear from you? He can hear it from them because the expectations are different? He might surprise you one day and actually ask how things are going with you and for you and really listen? Hope so.
