((((Mirandac))))

One of the great miracles of this program for me has been uncovering or should I say discovering and Recovering parts of myself that got buried along with the resentment, anger, hurt, bitterness etc that came with living in an alcoholic marriage.  They say in the meetings that living with an alcoholic is too much for us to bear without help (sorry paraphrasing...something along those lines??) and so it's great that you are here with us sharing your journey and hopefully we all help each other as we are helping ourselves.

Stay strong--you are not alone

Mary

And you will get there, one day at a time.

Ive thought of this too. Why did i live with this guy for years and years? Put up with so much dysfunction. I think the answer lies in my childhood. I saught out the relationship with an alcoholic due to the childhood i had and to fill the gaps from the parenting i got. I got what i needed in my alcoholic. I played out the roles i needed at the time.

I still live with my AH who binge drinks and can go months where I think he's dry. We stay for various reasons. Mine may be different than yours but we still have to learn to live within the confines of the relationship, whatever that may look like at the time.

You will be OK. You are in the middle of a long healing journey but that's part of life and each step along this journey is a stepping stone to something better and to a greater healing of emotions, spirituality, and mental health. HUGS to you!

Mirandac, I'm not sure why you thought anyone felt you were criticizing anyone who stayed? For me, I was just sharing my own ESH and the fact that we all have reasons for staying for however long that may be. We all have our own paths and only our HP knows what the future has in store for us and only HP can help us unlock the doors that lead us through our recoveries. HUGS!

We're all a mixed bag, Mirandac, made of shadow and light. Fortunately, our HP and working the Al-Anon program can help us live freely and serenely one day at a time. I can remember going through my own divorce and how painful it was once upon a time. In some ways, I can liken it to labor pain without anesthesia. It felt bad and yet, it was a very good thing and helped release me from slavery to something over which I was powerless and delivered me into the hands of a HP who showed me things about myself I didn't know and led me to doing things I'd never expected in my wildest dreams. If I gained anything of value in that process it was the knowledge that although my life was my own, there was a power more loving and wise than I who could guide me through the desert of longing and fear into a lush garden of service and joy. I still have my desert times and my lush garden times and now I know that my HP is with me through it all to deliver me from things that still get in the way of my being the best woman I can be - with or without a partner.

Prayers Miranda...it was a very long marriage. I can see you meant "til death do us part" and were trying so hard. I respect the work you are doing to heal. I hope you are having some good moments, laughter, and happiness creeping back in more and more also. You deserve to be happy.

One of the things I had to learn to let go of was trying to decide who was at fault for the demise of our marriage. We both contributed to the relationship - in good ways and in not so good ways. It truly didn't matter to me after awhile who was most "at fault" for the end of it as much as it mattered to me that it was over and it was important for me to see that we both did the best we could and our best just wasn't enough to continue until our literal deaths. I don't know if that is something you struggle with now? It was something I had a very hard time with until I stopped judging and feeling judged. That came directly as a result of a spiritual awakening that truly wasn't due to me. It was due to my HP. (((M))) There will come a time when you will feel no pain anymore, Mirandac. It will take some time and I see you working on getting there.

I felt that way, too. And lo and behold - some acquaintance showed up one day on a downtown sidewalk - looked at me and said: "You look awful. Here, take this. It changed my life." She handed me a brochure and then nagged me into going - buying no excuses - on a weekend with other grieving people where what happened for her - happened for me. It was an experience that showed up for me when I was at the bottom of my resources and my coping skills. I've noticed that my own HP loves to show up at about the exact same time I have no idea if I'm coming or going. I don't recommend that state and yet the few times I've reached that state - something I know I didn't orchestrate happens. We're here with you, Mirandac. Just keep doing the next right thing - even if it appears that right thing is to take a nap or wash some dishes or take a walk.

Thank you both for the understanding. I know its grieving and rejection
It has thrown me for a massive loop. I keep swimming to help,love and my HP.
One day i will find my serenity and be centered and feeling normal again.
That will feel so good!

Miranda,
I went through the same thing. I meditate and pray to my HP. I literally spend hours on some days on youtube listening to the guided meditations there. Deepak Chopra is one of my favorites. Helps me stay centered and it distracts me. Someday I pray I will wake up and realize I am not sad.