The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been to a few f2f meetings in the last few years. It has helped me a lot.
I have been reading here for months. I am just now getting the courage to write.
I don't know why I take it all so personal when my son is mean to me, but do. I know in my heart that he can't really mean to be that nasty to his mother, but it still hurts.
When he is not drinking he is a very mean "dry drunk". His words can cut right through a mother's heart.
I am now starting to wonder if I can ever love him like I used to, before all this nastiness started. He has only been this nasty the last few years. It seems to be a "dry drunk" thing.
I hope I am making sense. I feel lost in my feelings. Some days I wonder if I love him or not. I doubt myself all the time. He blames me for every thing wrong in his life.
Thank you for listening. I just need to feel I am not going crazy.
My son is an active A. He knows exactly how to wound me. He has told me so. I'm not going to blame alcoholism for his choices. I hold him responsible for his words and for his behaviors, sick or not. I love him - from a distance. I share very little about myself with him. He has told me who he is. I believe him. That can change with work in the program but he chooses not to work in the program. I won't allow myself to let him hurt me - whether he means it or not, an A or not. I also make sure I say nothing to wound him although the temptation for revenge is a very present danger in me as in all others. I choose not to act from it. I also choose to spend time with people who aren't going to come aiming for the jugular.
Aloha Lisa...good reach out and post. What I eventually learned inside of the program was to love the person and not the behavior. I don't have to do anything about the behavior other than to get out of the way of it so that I'm not compelled to "just react"...I don't do react well at all. Respond I can do and the difference is using clear calm thinking before I do the action. There is no law that says you must offer yourself up to abuse so therefore...don't and stop. (((((hugs)))))
I too had to set boundaries for me and not let my son interfere with them. When I refused to let him say anything to me that would hurt me he learned really quick he wouldn't even see his mother anymore if he wasn't going to change his attitude with me. Enough said....Keep it simple
((( hugs )))
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Lisa.....Hugs. Your post touched me because I know I treated my mom like crap when I was actively drinking. I knew most of the time when I was hurting her but it was kind of a byproduct of me just being sick and weak and emotionally underdeveloped. I wanted to my mom to "get off my back", baby me, make things better, and go away all at once. Hence, there was absolutely no way for her to win in the scenario but to detach.
Even if I had issues because of my mom - In my thirties (when I stopped drinking) and now my 40's - Whose issues are those really? Whose fault is it and whose problem is it if I have mom issues still? DUH. ME. Difference is, I have had lots of AA, alanon and 12 steps to be able to see this bigger picture. Whatever my mom and dad did when I was growing up or even later, it was pretty much always out of love, concern, and caring. I pretty much dropped the drama when I really dug in and worked my program with a sponsor.
While your son might not be moving forward with his emotional baggage, you can though. His blaming you for stuff and verbally abusing you is not your issue or your fault. I think you probably love him as much as you ever did, but his behavior has worn away your affection for and your liking of him....those are his consequences for refusing to grow up and own his own problems though. Do give alanon a try. It will give you clarity and support on all these issues!
-- Edited by pinkchip on Sunday 28th of December 2014 08:42:44 AM
I can relate to this. The verbal abuse is terrible but there is a way to stop it. Throuh going to alanon and gaining confidence in myself i began putting up boundaries. They worked brilliantly and my son and i seem to have a good relationship today, compared to how it was, its completely different now. First i learned about detaching with love and how i had choices, so when he started up with name calling i said, im not going to listen to.... shouting, name calling, bullying etc, and if you continue i will leave the room and if he continued i left the room, every single time. If he followed i left the house for a while. He soon got the message, and more importantly i learned that i had it in me to look after and protect myself so i began trusting myself more and that was and is so good. My life looks much more like a normal life now, no abuse in it anymore. Keep going to meetings, change will come but you need to want it and whe you get it nurture it.
That can change with work in the program but he chooses not to work in the program. I won't allow myself to let him hurt me - whether he means it or not, an A or not. I also make sure I say nothing to wound him although the temptation for revenge is a very present danger in me as in all others. I choose not to act from it. I also choose to spend time with people who aren't going to come aiming for the jugular.
i feel this way about my younger daughter.....its isn't about revenge or "back at ya" that I detached from her...backed off....won't allow her to mess w/my head, play with my emotions......and yea, I have to bite my tongue to not say vengeful things to her....first of all it won't change her and 2nd I want to keep my energy in the light...not that mind games darkness.......so i don't act on my anger, frustration and disgust at her treatment of me, it is what it is and detaching/backing off is the best way to let her learn her own lessons.....I also choose to spend time with folks who aren't coming at me with an emotional machete
the other day, i ran into her (she lives next door) she never once checked up on me when i was so sick with my back, everyone else in neighborhood knew something was wrong w/me but she didn't care...plain and simple.....she sees me and she tells me she needs me to fix her computer, its down again......i told her i would give her the number of a friend who would charge her very fairly and i said "gotta go to the store now, you take care" and I left...
Oh i was nice...Am nice when i see her, but I don't make any effort to go out of my way to see her....If we see each other?? I am nice, but very detached.....i really put distance....I love her, but I don't like her behaviour and do not accept it in my close life.....I keep it simple......my program is about me, for me, to help me, NOT to try and change another......
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
