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I got an email from my ex-A ....at the end he says it is obvious you are making your decisions out of spite and jealousy. I have examined my motives so many times that I know I was making a conscious choice from logic. It is just hard to not take it personally... Not so much because it is coming from him but because no one wants to hear those unkind words. I feel a bit deflated. I am not suffering but I feel like I need outside validation again. Just thought I would write this out and see what tool I could use to get back on track. Thank you for listening.
Here's some ((((((validation)))))) from the Pacific. You're a sweet sister and awesome child of God along with being a very worth family member of MIP....Now join us with that and some "self love" and a little "Don'T react practice mixed in with a QTIP". It's the season where for me little negative stuff can also sink great Christmas spirit. If I gall back on the letting go and letting God, QTIP and Don'T react tools I'm good to go and have a nice spiritual shield. He's coming from resentment and revenge and the more he tangles with that alone the faster he might want to get over it and himself. He has also got to find another HP than you. ((((hugs))))
Truth I have found my alanon tools invaluable at times like this. Alanon taught me to examine my motives, as well as to talk things over and reason things out.When I perform all these tasks, I am able to validate my decisions with logical, rational reasons for my actions and will have no need to doubt when others challenge me. It takes practice and it is so important to recovery. .
I quite like, what others think of me is none of my business. His opinions are not necessarily the truth and if hes an alcoholic not in recovery then the chances are that his views are comi g from that empty dark hole inside him so dont let him steal your serenity. How important is it, is another that might help because on the grand scheme of thing how important is his views of you?
I don't have any communication with my ex,but if I did there is no doubt in my mind he would try to make me feel bad or guilty about something,that is what he did.I t is only through manipulation that they can keep doing what they do.I look at it this way,how can he try and point the finger at me and tell me what is right or wrong,when he is so messed up he can't even keep a roof over his head.
Thanks everyone I know I am making a conscious choice. I am just so use to "second" guessing it is hard to change the behavior. That is mine.
Grateful as for him no he is not making good choices and he is mad that I won't give him "extra" time with our son. He believes it is because I am spiteful because the way out relationship ended. It has been four years ... I have moved on. He thinks because I don't have a new relationship I am pining over him. I am not. My motive was to learn how not to attract this type of relationship again. He is going to believe what he wants to believe.
I just want to get myself enough practice that I won't stumble when someone throws this at me and let go of my original boundary. That is also mine. Letting the boundary go so I don't have to deal with the hurtful words. Only problem the words and actions just get worse not better. I am learning.
I still stumble when I'm caught off guard. What I don't do is return their nastiness and I'm getting better at openly validating myself or silently validating myself - whatever the situation calls for at the time. Then, if my emotions are still churning (being a heart person has its drawbacks), I am blessed with a solid sponsor or a fellowship member who works it and gets it. You are doing the healthy thing in reaching out here and not allowing yourself to get tangled in that web of disease.
I would think that he still wants to believe you are focussed on him. He hasn't moved on. That's sad for him, but it doesn't need to disturb your reality! My ex-husband pulls out some stuff like this still....when he doesn't like what I say or do or don't say or do he says I am "lying" or 'trying to manipulate him" which is sort of bizarre to me because it has been almost 11 years now and I just don't consider him very much at all and have no interest in what he thinks or does other than practical arrangements regarding our daughter. I figure he still needs to think he is influential in my life and that's sad for him and completely irrelevant to me so the best response I can give him is "okie dokie". He can think what he likes!
-- Edited by missmeliss on Saturday 27th of December 2014 03:06:20 PM
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
