I just need to scream...... - Al-Anon Family Group

Cooper · Veteran Member

I just need to scream......

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

I can so identify Cooper My family is in complete denial about the disease and would give my husband ( who struggled mightily to maintain sobriety) a bottle each year-- then did the same with my son. Remember we are powerless. Prayers and positive thoughts on the way.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

You could ask. You did. He said no. It is difficult to detach when we watch our own family members handing our children poison and our children planning on taking it. We are witnessing the insanity and have no power over it. Sometimes, I think we need to ask our HP to help us detach because some things are simply too difficult to detach from on our own. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference is about the simplest way I know how to ask for that help. (((Cooper))) Perhaps you can be grateful for the things you didn't do - like give them a good piece of your mind or rip the bottle out of his hand or scream all the way home or threaten never to pick him up for another family gathering or never to go again yourself? I get it. I've witnessed the same in my own FOO and there was nothing I could really do other than to pray and take good care of me.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

I remember two Christmas's ago when my son and his GF came for Christmas. I was so excited and had everything ready with presents and a wonderful feast. They show up and GF was trying to walk my son to the door. He was so drunk and sick I just couldn't believe it. They came in and son fell on the couch and passed out.

I cried the whole time and the day was very very sad.

Last Christmas he wasn't with me for Christmas and this year he's in prison....

Will there ever be a Christmas again with my son.....I don't know but I do know I have to change or my holidays will never be happy again.

Changes have to come within me because if I rely on my son or anyone to give me happiness I can just give up now.

Take care and be grateful you have the ability to change you.

((( hugs )))

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Cooper,

Glad you didn't do your initial reaction - when in doubt, DON"T, you didn't really well!

Of course I believe there is nothing wrong with telling those relatives what you think either. You can get it off your chest, without expectation because likely nothing will change, but if you say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean, at least your will have told them and they had the chance to think about it the next time.

Or, if it isn't worth what you think will just be wasted emotional energy, then give it up to HP, and let us know so we can help.

Kenny

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

You have much self control...I, too, would have wanted to scream and something a bit more physical!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

This is still all new to you Cooper...don't beat yourself up or second guess the process we all start at the beginning and with an open mind an practice we "get it". You will have other practice chances...and all you have to do I stay in the moment and breathe......breathe.......breathe Keep coming back. smile

cmb · Member

For me, "the courage to change" was to be with the ones that make me happy. Actually make a change. After many spoiled holidays, I have stopped doing the same thing and my holidays are fun and happy with those that don't overindulge and ruin it!!! Next time, just do what you want. Take your boy to dinner, cooked a special meal for you and those who don't do things disrespectfully. Wishing you peace.

cmb · Member

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

A lot of people are not going to believe a 21 year old can be an alcoholic. People (especially other young people) embrace binge drinking as if it is normal. They have not been behind the scenes to really see how this particular 21 year old is when drinking, how often, and how he cannot handle it. They probably also don't know how much he overdid it prior to even reaching 21. For me, I got smashed, s##tfaced drunk every weekend just about at that age. I didn't consider it a problem until I was doing the same thing and it had escalated to doing it during the week also into my mid 30's.

So, I would say Cooper, the need to detach is clear. Your son is going to have his own journey with this. He may have lost his license because of a DUI, but is probably looking at it as bad luck or not his fault or whatever else besides "alcoholism." For my parent to say they thought I drank to much was nothing for me....I figured they were t-totaling nerds and didn't know how to party. When all my peers started careers, getting married, having families and all that and I was still "partying" it became more obvious. Then - when my life was crap and all I could do was drink to not be focused on it being crappy in just about every way - that is when I got desperate and became ready for AA. I was 36 at that time. Granted, I always had a job and I graduated college and what not. I didn't live with my parents after college either so my drinking was not in their face so much (except for a brief period after a break up when I did live there at about age 29 - and mom did comment then on my drinking and finding bottles and such).

I know both my parents were worried about my level of functioning up until the last several years I've been sober, but I was always annoyed by it, yet dependent on them financially at the same time. Their worrying did nothing to make me change. I do recall writing in my 8 and 9th step that the largest amends I had to make was actually to my parents because I forced them to have to deal with a son that refused to grow up any more from 18 to age 36. That was an awful thing to do for them to still be worrying about me like a child/reckless teen when they were in their 60s and had grandkids by that time.

Anyhow, I hope you don't let his problems, his journey, and his developing alcoholism consume YOUR whole life. I would work on setting him free so he can have his own consequences.

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Well done Cooper - not reacting is difficult.

I found it helped me when I managed to put the decision of what to do with the bottle firmly at my husbands feet. It was his choice. He knew my thoughts about it and he did not need me to tell him again. It took quite a few months but eventually he started to own his choices. I think that you can be gentle on yourself. No need for what should. what could. type thinking. Take care of you.

PS I think it is perfectly ok to go and scream somewhere if you need to btw. I did it a few times and then I realised that I was just screaming at my own lack of any ability to control the world around me (a bit like being back in my terrible two year old self!!). That realisation helped me to let go.

-- Edited by milkwood on Friday 26th of December 2014 08:32:03 AM

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh my gosh Copper My son's story is Mark's ( pinkchip ) story except my son finally lost his employment. They even have the same birthdate July 1st. My son went to prison at 36 and is sober. I can only say I hope he will continue to be sober so when he is 42 he will have his life back.

I too let my son's problems be mine until I came here. Little by little I learned to let my son have his problems back and pay the price for his choices. I hurt, worried and was heartbroken but I did quit the denial that was in me..

You can do this and yes your son can change.....just HE needs to do it without your input.

Let go with love and kindness.....

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

My daughter shared with me yesterday that one of the reasons we get along so well (something we didn't do well when she was in her 20s) is that I let her live her life as she saw fit and later because of personal changes she made, too. Al-Anon helped me with my daughter who isn't an A and with my son who is also an A who did what Mark said. Made progress and then threw it away. I no longer try to change anything about my son or his life choices. I am focused on my own life and my own need to take good care of me and enjoy my life as it is.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I know how you feel with this one. My son is 21 and even my daughter who knows and has lived the dram and chaos, invites him to parties and drinks with him. It does annoy me from time to time but i had to realise that i cant give my awareness and acceptance to other people. I had to reacha place of surrender to be open enough so i dont know when or if others will reach that place. Im powerless, we are powerless. Theres nothing we can do, ive tried a variety of methods to control and fix but its useless and a waste of time and energy. Your son and my son will take their drinking to whatever level they choose regardless of gifts of alcohol, parties whatever. It doesnt really matter.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

pinkchip wrote:

So, I would say Cooper, the need to detach is clear. Your son is going to have his own journey with this. He may have lost his license because of a DUI, but is probably looking at it as bad luck or not his fault or whatever else besides "alcoholism."

Anyhow, I hope you don't let his problems, his journey, and his developing alcoholism consume YOUR whole life. I would work on setting him free so he can have his own consequences.

I agree, Cooper...there is absolutely nothing you can do but be absorbed by his problems and you go down the tubes with him.....soo sad when its your own son, but its time to let go...let him suffer his own consequences, let him hit bottom and be forced to get help....for a lot of A's it is life forcing them that finally gets them help.....something will have to happen to drive him into recovery, it seems.....anyway it is out of your hands.....you are powerless.....this is the hardest lesson on detachment that one can face, but it is essential for YOUR mental health......I, too, would work on me and set him free to learn his own hard lessons that for sure will happen if he keeps going this path......you can do NOTHING to save him, but you can save yourself......

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