hey gang...

on vaca till the 2nd of Jan.  Friday i got off work and I am thinking  "ok, self, we are ON OUR OWN for 13 or so days what R we gonna do????

Saturday was the 1/2 Goodwill "bonanza" sale and i had a ball...books, REAL leather dress coats/jackets for like $8  just awesome goodies..

I had a "flash" of projecting to the day i go back to work and caught it!!!  "NO, we are OFF and we are having FUN".....Sunday I was a bit sore (back still mending and spasm radiates to my upper right leg)  so i spent the day stretching, with moist heat or in bathtub with home made jacuzzi set up w/the vacuun cleaner.....ohh it felt good and the muscles release and i am "ok" again for a while, then things tighten up and its back to stretching/exercising.....Its like I just cannot relax....so i got a meditation thingy i am gonna do at night when i am going to bed....

Anyway, Monday, I am doing much better so i go to another thrift shop to bring a donation and chat w/the sales lady i like and it comes to me......I am watching myself stand w/my heavy purse, and my posture is terrible....I tell her "see ya , Merry Christmas"  and i go to walmart and i get a  BACK PACK and i come home, transfer my purse to backpack, try that puppy on and voilla...i can stand straight, walk upright, good posture, MAYBE this is another change i needed to do.......so Monday was a good day, too....more moist heat and exercising and stretching.....seems i am feeling progress

No projecting on what needs to be done when i return to work, it is a week and a 1/2 away and I am on TODAY

OH and yesterday, I sent to the gym and worked out in jacuzzi....a gentlemen in the jacuzzi took a shine to me and wanted to chat and "soak" next to me and  had to tell him i am stretching my legs so i need a bit of space.....it was fun, he was nice

Today i get up and its raining...back to bed, love to sleep in the rain...this new back sliding glass door is really keeping the house heat in...i hardly hear the heater go off at all...maybe a couple of times since it began to get cool......

i finally get up at 10am and i go to the grocery and i get a ham, mushrooms, spring mix with baby spinache for my salad.....2 big dog bones ea. for the dogs and my butter finger candies for desert.....also organic french fries.....

i am thinking about the holidays of past and the misery, tears, phony smiles for pictures when shes loaded and hes groping or trying to grope the young girls and i am trying to disappear under the Christmas tree, and its all BS....oh yea, lots of gifts...material things galore, and maybe that is why to this day, i love "creature" comforts b/c thats all i had in those days.....

i must be recovering b/c now i have a blast at the , (well they gotta be in the high end neighborhoods) thift shops...I still have the same champagne eye, but with a beer pocket, i gotta be creative,  but ya know??? just being in my cozy lil bed, watching my you tube movies/docus on you tube is just as pleasurable.....I  must be recovering b/c now i can enjoy the simplest things...like doing my hair,  doing my nails....trying to do the dogs nails......sipping one of my original smoothies that are "to die for" delicious....

AND i don't mind being alone....tomorrow the gym closes at 2pm, so i will go for a swim,  do the jacuzzi stretching in the water thing.....take it easy.....go home and got all my goodies for the holiday, so i can just relax tomorrow.....think about how far i have come in this journey and yea, it was a brutal road in the beginning, but I am making my own peace with me....I am warm, well fed, back is healing bit by bit and i am learning what muscles to strengthen so as to not seize up like this again, hopefully , and i am current on my bills, my house is paid for and so is the SUV.....i don't owe anything on the dogs or my other blessings, but the credit card i used for the door and its shrinking....its gonna be OK

I don't know what 2015 will bring, I can't even believe i lived to even SEE the new millennium, much less be looking at 2015...and will it be better??? i don't do the  "this is gonna be MY year" thingy, i just say  "ok, its another number when i date a check, but other than that, will it be better???? Don't know....Can't do anything more than put out good energy and hope for the best.....I'm getting older but so is everything else that wakes up each morning.....

I know I am a lifer in recovery and i figure if i keep at it, keep working on me, steady, easy does it, but steady as she goes, i will , by default, have to get better, maybe over come some old stubborn behaviours I have been wanting to and ready to get shed of, but no big expectations for the upcoming new year.....it will be what it will be....any changes that may arise, must begin in my own head, thoughts, actions, habits, and character.....

I know its been another year with MIP and i think i learned a lot this year, I am not as "hard" or "brittle" as I was...Not so black and white, as I see plenty of shades of grey...... I am more willing to look through another person's telescope B4 I make an assessment of something/one and am way more open to new ideas.........I am trusting in my instincts more...and when i have feelings i need to emote, i don't take them to court and view them from the judge's seat, but more like observing through the witness gallery...i allow them and i allow them to pass.....i don't necessarily act on them unless protection of me is needed........

I think i am just wanting to move on with my life and let the past go, never will i be able to forget it, but I just want to move away from it....Put distance unless i need to work through something or i am esh'ing another who might need to hear some of my story, but I skip the awful details now....I don't need to do that anymore....I exhausted all that out of me....as i grow more and more away from the old bio family, I can wish them well, but i want my distance.....I don't belong there anymore.....as little breaking free said on a post of hers...."I moved me out of the clearance section and put me with the valuable jewels"   Paraphrasing her post, but I loved it...it was what i was thinking of me and what I am DOING with me.....

its OK to leave the past behind and the drama/dysfunction junction kings and queens along with it...It is OK to take care of me first, to avoid what threatens to diminish my light or is a stumbling block to my recovery and my growth....I do it not out of revenge/getting even, but I do it with self love and self preservation in mind.......

thanks all for letting me share and may you, whatever you call the holiday coming up, I call it Christmas, but whatever you all call it, may your joys be many and lasting and your pains be few and short lived.........

and for 2015, let the recovery continue and the healing be as real and lasting as the sun that comes up every day!!!! LOVE AND SUPPORT to ALL!!!!!! xo