Christmas Lunch in the Peanut Gallery. - Al-Anon Family Group

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Christmas Lunch in the Peanut Gallery.

mjferg · Senior Member

I don't know what I am doing either,my daughter has to work on Christmas eve and I still don't know what I want to do.All I know is it is different and I am ready for it to be over.I go through the motions but I am not feeling the joy of the season.At least there won't be fighting and the disappointment I would surely face if I was still with the A.Of course you have to drink on Holiday's right,that was sure to happen.I remember getting into a terrible fight one Christmas and saying can't we even have peace at Christmas.I remember spending New Year's eve alone one year,he just didn't come back home.I felt like the loneliest human on earth,I waited and waited for him and thought who sits alone on New Years eve?At least this year I have choices.

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Bah humbug indeed my dear friend!

I think that if was in your situation I would be feeling a bit of trepidation as well - first times are always prickly, but with your tools you'll make the best of it I'm sure. Is it time for a Melly plan perhaps?
Can you buy yourself a little something? Or a really good book for that train journey? Or take daughter to step fathers family? I have often wondered what it would be like to volunteer over the Christmas period, I hear it is good fun and rewarding and I hope that one day I'll get around to doing it. Alternatively an you get here in time to spend Christmas with me? We can visit some old folks, perhaps devise a dance for them, and then go for some lovely walks together!

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh that sounds good Milkwood, lets do that! If I leave now.....

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Ask yourself.....what would your daughter love to do......whatever that is do it.

I'm going to be sleeping in and then watch TV all day. I don't have family near either and my SO will sleep all day so my Christmas will pretty much be alone also. Been this way for a few years now so I'm good with it. Just another day.

((( hugs )))

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

If you don't go, how would your daughter get back to your place?

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Quote: Then I could collect her from mothers the next day and we could go off to see the hobbit and carry on our own traditions from there.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

MsM. I agree with Catherine Your alternate plan sounds good to me You can walk the beach, go to a movie, find some good food and enjoy. Daughter can spend it with the family.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh, missed that. Thanks, C. Well, Mel, if it were me and I was thinking and feeling so negatively about going some place where I anticipate being picked on, I guess I wouldn't go. People could think what they wanted about my decision, but if my children wouldn't be hurt by my not doing something one year, I'd do what my instinctual self tells me is best. I have a family who picks at me continually and did for years. I'd go for Christmas because my kids loved being with both sides of the family and I didn't want them to miss out on what was fun for them. What they didn't know is what I endured at night when the majority of folks had gone home and I was alone with a few who made it a nightmare for me. I had to wait until it was time for my kids to be returned the next day from their Dad's to me before I could leave what truly was an awful situation for me. I was usually grateful when it snowed and I couldn't drive the highways home at Christmas. My whole Christmas was peaceful and fun then.

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

The courage to change the things I can - try running the thought of not going by your daughter and see what she says?

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

What would be most joy filled for you, Melly?

LinSC · Senior Member

Dare to make a choice that YOU want, its ok.

I will be alone on Christmas Day too, no gifts to open, Not a big deal, on that day I will count my blessings, those are my gifts.

I chose not to fly to see family, its expensive and they never come to see me, so I am ok with not going "outside"

Merry Christmas to you Mel and Daughter

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

I can relate. I had approached my daughter about attending Christmas with her Dad and his family many years ago. The first time she went without me, I took a long bubble bath, enjoyed some comfort food, and watched a movie. The time passed so quickly, and my daughter returned home with stories and gifts she received. This continued for a few years - each year feeling less happy- until she decided that she would be happier creating new traditions that would feel better for her. This year, it is difficult for me to be with her, so I hugged her and told her to enjoy her plans and we'd extend the season festivity afterwards. It helps me when I don't isolate. So, my latest plan for this year is to work out, eat well, study for exams, and spend time with friends and their family. I know that being alone is a choice, and that if I start feeling alone, there are some steps I can take to make me feel a little less lonely. Sending prayers for courage, wisdom, support, and more.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

You are "becoming" Mel. Later on when you have more money, a career, different relationships, it will look a lot different. Personally, I think you gave yourself the best gift ever this year. You are free from the abusive ex and have more of a future to look forward to than ever. You are not stuck! You can stand on your own 2 feet. What a gift!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't do christmas but all the hype still bugs me about being alone

Wish you could come over, bring your jammies and camp out, in my living area, pull on a couple dogs. We could order a vegan pizza, drink some expensive champayne and smoke some pot. Its legal here now. Just enjoy it.

Watch stupid stuff and laugh.

Hey I hope you choose not to play anyones games. no one says you have to. My ex mil was is a B. She manipulated and lied and did her best to hurt me. She was jealous of my relationship with her son, my husband.

I plain would not go to xmas there or anything> NO way. toxic people are not my thing. I am sorry your mom is such a passive agressive meany! She is fortunate I don't live there and let her have it if I heard her talking about and to you like that. HEY I like how you are deflecting her lately.

Can't wait for you to say you guys have a home, and share pics. Your girly girl looks so grown up! Last I remember she was wearing her tigger pj's wasn't it?

Once you get settled maybe some nice real man will see your cuteness and make friends!

hugs honey!

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

OK giggling over champagne, pot and pizza. That sounds nice Deb, I will be with you in spirit. As it is I am going to make a corn fritter, read a book in bed and to be honest try not to cry. I feel rotten and sad and oh so very angry. It will pass, that much I know for sure. It's always darkest before the dawn, right? Sigh.
I always loved Christmas, it was a big deal to me. So this is pretty weird and not going very well so far. Ugh.
I am in a big whingy mood because I have been very dizzy for days now and it won't let up. I don't know what is causing it but it's really starting to get to me. Maybe an infection in my ears from having the flu or something, I don't know but I am sick of it and getting really angry about it which doesn't help at all.

I spoke to daughter and she is happy to not come back here with me tomorrow. I thought she would be, because here kind of sucks and so does sitting on the train for hours. So she's happy and looking forward to seeing the hobbit on Friday. I don't think we will be able to see it now but I won't tell her that till after tomorrow. We have been stuck to each other like glue for months now so to be honest i doubt either of us is too upset not to be together tomorrow; she will have lots of fun (and be showered with sympathy as I am not there) and I get to focus on taking care of me and pulling my head out of the dark place I seem to have stuck it.

I spoke to mother to tell her I will not be attending Christmas lunch. She was unpleasant, surprise. She always spends all of Christmas Day talking under her breath to me and telling me how nasty everyone is to her, how they don't even care or appreciate her and she thinks she will just jump off a cliff, that will teach us all.....and I have always stayed by her side and soothed her and tried to be the good one? Yuk! So I understand why she is angry, what sort of Christmas Day will she have without her sidekick to dump on? Anyway she told me my daughter will be unhappy, I am selfish, blah blah. Whatever, I do feel good about not spending hours travelling to be her willing victim this year. Go me. This was the right choice and I'm happy with it. Even more so after speaking to her.

Anyway I was all happy 2 weeks ago because I made the final payment on my loan (for that stupid electric bike I blew $2000 on a year ago when I thought I couldn't drive). I have been trying to sell it but no responses (except from strange people who are away at sea and need me to send them money via western union credit transfer....apparently there are people who fall for this bizarre scam...wow). But anyway another payment came out today and that almost emptied my bank account, I called the company and THAT was the final payment they said, the schedule they had sent me was erroneous. Great. So anyway I thought I had enough left to get some groceries at least and when that didn't work I discovered my insurance payment came out today too (I should have remembered) and that's the end of my funds for the next 2 weeks since I just got paid yesterday, and I already paid up my rent and phone bill and now there's not a cent left. Wow. Farts to you, universe. Glad I at least filled up the car yesterday. I need a job. I wish I knew where i was going to be living, that would make it easier. Gah. It's harder to get a place without a job, it's hard to look for work when i don't know what town i will be living in....when it's a catch-22 like that, usually I am choosing to stay stuck for some reason so I need to work through this one and figure out why I am sitting on my hands like this and take some freaking action.

I applied for credit today to buy a laptop as I am going mad without a computer and need it, oh I really need it for school but I was declined. I knew I would be declined so I don't know why I applied other than to give myself something else to be angry about. Pity party fuel? I went to see a house and loved it, went to put in an application and learned that it has already been leased, they forgot to take down the sign and the add on the internet. So I found another house and the same thing happened and then, I'm not kidding, a 3rd time. 3 different agents too. Now they are all closed for the next week or so, so the house hunt must be put on hold for the moment.

A has gone to his family for Christmas, he says his family are super happy that he has "gotten rid of me" and are being all sympathetic and coddling him. He said "so why don't we just turn up to both of our families houses together and stick it to all of them". I don't really follow his logic, but then, I never did and it's nice that I don't have to try anymore. I did feel a bit angry about his family demonising me after all those years of trying so freaking hard to be good to their son and to them but hey, lets be honest, I don't like any of them at all so why do I care if they don't like me? I guess it does strike me as pretty crappy that after running us into the ground and financially destroying me, he goes home like the prodigal son while I am really having a horrible time and not getting anything but crazy and mean from my family. You should see where he is living, such a nice place and his own bathroom with a huge bath, mostly he has the whole place to himself, they cook for him, ITS NOT MY BUSINESS BUT GRRRRRRRR!!!!! He really landed on his feet. It is difficult not to feel resentful. BUT then again all of this ease and comfort just makes it easy for him to keep living in denial and look at me, I get to do all of this wonderful spiritual growing without the distractions of comfort or loved ones so lucky me LOL. I'm only half joking, I know I am going to pop out the other side of this seemingly endless river of blah eventually and everything I have to let go of will be a blessing in the long run.

Anyway know I am negative and angry and full of self pity so I went to my Wednesday night meeting just before and guess what, it wasn't on. No sign no people just an empty hall. Lame.

So it's just you and me tonight and tomorrow, MIP. I'll quit the feeling sorry for myself now and start trying to turn this crappy miserable thinking on its head.

One must have empty hands to receive...one must have empty hands to receive...

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I think you should feel very proud of yourself, you have stuck up for yourself, you set a powerful boundary. It would have been so easy to just go, the whole pressure that everybody should have a loving family christmas bollocks. Most families are dysfunctional in some way or other, some are just really good at hiding it for that one day of the year. You have sent a clear message to that mother of yours, you wont be in her company if her company has abuse attached to it. Good for you, i think this marks a real leap in your recovery mel. Your being true to yourself, you chose you over others, no people pleasing and pretence.
Think of the lovely day you could have. Debs sounds good, except for the pot bit, lol. You have got the beach close by, your lovely dog and cat. Your getting your sanity back, your ex could be in the ritz but its likely he will always be insane and miserable.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh and having no money at this time of year, i think were all in that boat, it will pass.x

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Melly)))

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

His family is probably pretty happy they have gotten rid of you because enablers hate those who tell the truth; lack of truth is what keeps them enabling. I am going through the same thing in my sister-in-law's family, her sister is dying of an overdose, but her Mom still thinks there is no problem. Why? because mom is an A and would have to face her own demons in order to be able to acknowledge daughter's demons.

As Mark said, you are becoming you. The first time you were birthed you don't remember it, but it was hard, IO'm quite sure! This time won't be easy either, but you are seeing the fruits of it more and more, the growth parts are hard though!

BTW I can tell you that the hobbit movie will be great and make you forget your woes for a little while. I have been itching to post about it for three days now! I believe it is better than the other two combined, and I liked them quite a bit!

Have a merry Christmas Melly, let me know how you liked the movie.

Kenny

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

I took myself for a drive to my favorite beach this afternoon.
We only get one radio station over my way and all it was playing was "White Christmas", "Let it snow" and so on. It was stinking hot in my car with no air-con and I had to pull over 'cause my car likes to overheat in hot weather.
It gave me giggles. Let it snow indeed. That would be something to behold.
It also made me determined to purchase some kind of car stereo that will allow me to play music from my ipod. First chance I get, that will be my pressie to myself.

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

And by the way thanks Kenny, that helped me put it in perspective a little bit.
When I used to go with A to visit his family, the charade drove me insane. The minimising, the excuses, the nonsense plans, gah. I found it intolerable. His mother would sit with him and make him do new years resolutions on Christmas night...I will only drink 6 beers a night, I will save $50 a week, and then try to stress to me how important it was for me to "help" him reach these goals, I would think Ye Gods woman have you even MET this guy before?
Although I feel a bit lonely and sore, I am feeling very good about that fact that I am not participating in any charades or denial-fests this year.
You know the only thing i feel some regret about is the fact that every year my grandmother buys me my very own tin of peas as I won't eat the fresh kind like everyone else. It always makes me feel special that she remembers this and dirties an extra pan just to heat up my unhealthy salty mushy peas.
I hope she doesn't take it too personally that I am not there. But she is so busy that I never get a chance to talk to her at Christmas anyway.
She will be mad, but she will get over it.

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