you are very sane and patient.

Resentment? I am very acquainted with that emotion. Always tried to live a good life. Tried to raise our son with good morals and education. Tried to be a good wife and partner. Tried to help all the members of my very large family. Went to church for years and years.

And what did I get? A son who has serious alcohol problems and is terrible with money. Stepchildren who drink and drug. A family that will not acknowledge the alcohol addiction in two of the nephews and expect us to accept them when we host large gatherings.

So resentment and I are old partners. When my son divorced his first wife, I lost all hope. She was such a lovey girl and the daughter of my heart. When he had a mental breakdown I railed at a God that was not helping me. I wrote Him very angry letters night after night. What happened to the do good and you will live well stories I was raised on?

So I cried and I was so angry. So angry that it was taking over my emotions until I was numb. So angry that I could not feel joy any more. So angry that I was hoping to die.

I started reading, I spent a lot of time thinking, I still wrote but, reading back now, I can see that I was changing my expectations. I was realizing that people are going to be what they are going to be and all my prayers and begging and coaxing and wheedling would do not good. I learned that our ego will always take us away from what is very simple, will always stain new experiences with old memories, will always erode our emotions.

So now, several years down the road, I no longer blame God for what has happened but I also no longer really take what is in the Bible as gospel truth. Don't go to church any more because I don't do hypocrites well but I still think that the golden rule is the way to live one's life.

We are all just trying to get through this life as best we can. We are all making mistakes. What we have to do, and this was so hard for me, is to let others follow their path while we step aside. I no longer expect God to intervene but instead to give me strength to get through difficult times.

Alanon really, really helped me as it echoed so much of what I had been reading. I am in a better place now- still anguish at times over my beautiful, misguided son and shake my head at decisions made in the family- but I no longer think that I have to solve them. And I count my blessings each and every day. Sometimes have to scratch a bit in bad times, but the blessings are there if you look for them.

Sorry this is so long but your post really resonated with me.

thank you. i am getting a lot out of your responses. i understand my ego is going berserk at the moment.

if i haven't matured by now, i am not going to hold my breath! :)

You have talked about seeing a spiritual director/companion. That "don't know" place is a sacred space although the getting there can be pretty bumpy for some of us.

hmmm. was thinking about "god's will" today . . . in days past, i honestly thought it was taking good care of my grandson . . . i thought that was doing something worthwhile. i seriously thought that (i mean, not only thought it, but prayed about it and was given that as an answer).

i have no clue what god's will is for me.

i pray constantly.

still have no clue.

I just read the ODAT thought for December 23 It seems very appropriate to this topic .

It speaks about being a perfectionist and clinging stubbornly to an idea of what life should be ,instead of understanding that acceptance and detachment are very powerful tools in learning how to live life on life's terms.

The quote is :"To adapt ourselves with a quiet mind to what is possible and attainable therein lies happiness."

 

 

 

((((Ohno))))...thanks for this post.  Here in is the dilemma I came into Al-Anon with and I also would arrive back at relapse again and again until I got at that place where I understood if I stopped working it (the program) it would stop working.  I hear the first part of the first step in your vent..."Admitted we were powerless..." and then the second "and that our lives had become unmanageable".  It would never change...I am always powerless about the outcomes when someone else's will is in the mix whoever that will belongs to; family member or friend or stranger.  Use to be harder when the interpersonal connection was closer and then I learned that "they" are all "theys" and I am just me and it isn't all about me because "they too have their choices".

I was taught in program that expectations were future resentments and when I killed all of my expectations all my resentments went away.  From time to time I test that just a bit and I confirm again what expectations are...future resentments. 

I learned that the disease of addiction/alcoholism is not a moral issue; about good and bad, right or wrong.  This is disease...compulsions of the mind and allergies of the body, family, friends etc.  They drink and use and we get sick of it; allergies.

I learned that let go and let God is a perfect practice for me and that when God has it my will should still be off and away of outcomes otherwise my expectation is that God is going to bring "it" about the way I will it and not the way "they" want it or even the way that "God" wants it..."Its all about me or My Ego".   

My sponsors taught me about the "opposites"...Opposite emotions of what I use to feel that made me insane.  I hated feeling anger because it ate me u and consumed me and I behaved in very unacceptable ways while my entire system...mind, body, spirit and emotions crumbled.  My sponsor taught me that if I hated the feeling than feel the opposite of it and get the opposite condition.   Rocket Science!!  The opposite of anger for me is Acceptance...not the morality of it just the fact of it and that I was powerless over it.  Wallah!!  I was free of anger.   I learned that the opposite of resentment was forgiveness and that worked also along with using a mix of compassion and empathy.   My alcoholic/addict wife was a sick person with a fatal disease that if not arrested by total abstinence would end in her demise...it would almost end in my own demise also and I was near that event just before finding the doors to the Monday Night College Church of Christ Al-Anon Family Group, which became my home group and my new unconditionally loving family.  I was born and raised within this disease and it ran and still runs in spite of my feelings and expectations and such.  My eldest son has relapsed...gone back out...drugs and alcohol...left his family in a run down house to fend for themselves and more.  I've got no judgment of it because I have accepted the disease, my powerlessness and that my HP...Higher Power abides with him and me and all of us up to the point where we either choose to follow HP's will or not...we have choices also don't we?

If you still have the Just For Today pamphlet, look at the prayer on the back of it that starts "Lord make me an instrument of thy peace"...instrument without condition and without expectations.  You have the tools...   I suggest getting back into the meetings if you have stopped doing that. 

Its okay to stop doing what you're doing that hasn't been working and "No" is a complete sentence which you can practice as often as you like so you can get use to the sound of it and the power of it.   Powerless people and enablers should practice "No"  or "no"  or "NO"!! or if you are an extra sweet mother and grandmother and wife..."No thank you".  I have other variations that also work for me...just changing the color of it.

Keep coming back  You're with family now.    (((((Hugs)))))

hotrod wrote:

---

I just read the ODAT thought for December 23 It seems very appropriate to this topic .

It speaks about being a perfectionist and clinging stubbornly to an idea of what life should be ,instead of understanding that acceptance and detachment are very powerful tools in learning how to live life on life's terms.

The quote is :"To adapt ourselves with a quiet mind to what is possible and attainable therein lies happiness."

---

 Oh Betty, I like this.....i was idealistic waay too much in beginning....getting better at accepting and detachment.....life was brutal to me....it is hard now, but i just keep putting out good energy b/c if things could be so bad for so long, why not hold a bit of hope that it can change for better....I am better then i used to be....in my head, anyway, lol.....i have to feel the emotions and discharge them b4 i can "adapt myself with any sort of quiet mind".......thanks, this was great

Im sorry ohno, i understand how you feel, its the hardest thing in the world, to watch your lov3d ones on this self destructive path and theres nothing we can do. Its horrible and the anxiety and stress can kill us. It could be genetics, your dauhter may have a gene that she passed to her son. Theres not a thing you could have done to stop it. Its back to basics. You didnt cause this you cant control this and you cant cure this either. Sometimes the three cs sound like not a lot but if you really truly think about them, they say a lot. Your at step 1, you are powerless. Only your grandson has the power and your years of alanon wont have gone unnoticed, your grandson knows what he knows, hes got what you gave him. His disease means he wont use it right now but its there. 

I remeber thinking and i think i brought it here much like you have, why is this happening again? ive been through this before, now my son, its too much to bear at times. If it wasnt for the program i may have driven myself into a wall. I know how bad this feels but i dont feel bad like that anymore. Ive got myself a life now, im happy most of the time. Drama and chaos come into my sons life through his drinking and i pray, speak to my sponsor, read, go to meetings, listen. Ive thought about the progression of the disease and what happens if my son becomes a down and out alcoholic. Well, ive got to let him fall, right to the bottom. Who am i to imagine for one minute that he needs me to rush in and fix it all up for him and thats what he needs? He needs me to leave him on his path with the lessons that await him and are good for him. Acting on my fears and worries are selfish and wrong. I wish i could help more ohno, i feel your pain and it doesnt have to be this way for you and alanon is the answer. Maybe a different motive is needed, do it for you this time and not the alcoholics.

I love all the shares in this thread. I have found that the best way to get over resentments is to get busy with bringing good into your life to the point that you have less time to focus on the resentment. In other words, I get busy with church, working out, meetings, take on a sponsee.... Doesn't always work perfectly, but it helps.

today i am just grieving. woke up today crying and can't stop. so sad. i know i am powerless. i feel bad for my grandson that he is suffering.

as far as my higher power is concerned - not sure what to think about what my higher power's "will" might be. the higher power doesn't seem to have much compassion for suffering. i just don't know what to think about the hp where all of this is concerned.

i did "expect" that all of the year's of loving care i gave my grandson would count for something - not for me, but for him.

(((Ohno)))

I have come to believe that I'm always in "limbo"- just sometimes I have an illusion that I am not.

my question: how do you deal with resentment as it comes up?
Dealing with resentment is stepping up my program work, coming to MIP and working it out with a sponsor or another Alanon member. It usually requires that I start up the steps until I realize where it is that I'm stuck. (often step 4)

and also: have you had to adjust your belief system, and if so, WHAT exactly is your belief system now (as to why YOU have to go through this)?

Yes, I find myself adjusting my belief system often- as I need to keep removing obstacles that come between me and my HP. I have come to believe that it is not a question of "why", but a question of "what for". I agree that it is easy to think on terms of it being very senseless and a huge waste, but dwelling on why keeps me parked in that place rather than parked in the solution. For me, the solution shifted from trying to fix things that I can't fix to improving the things that I can. This is what works best when I can maintain my focus on it- I come here and attend face to face for this kind of support.

I worked among very troubled and marginalized people for many years. I can remember a boy who acted out all the time. He lived in squalor. His family was doing the best they could and it wasn't enough. People in the neighborhood refused to let him come to their house. Neighborhood children stayed away from him because his behavior was horrid. I worked to befriend him. I could see how frightened he was and knew how difficult a life he had and how lonely a life it was for him as well. I allowed him to come to programs and I also had to send him home, too, on many an occasion for bad behavior. One day, a school counselor called me. He was 12 at the time. She told me that she'd asked him if there was anybody who liked him. Anybody at all. He told her that I did. She asked me if there was anything more that I could do to help him. There wasn't. I could only be present to him, encourage him, smile at him, visit him after he broke his back and was laid up in a cast and bring him things to play with while he mended, and send him home from programs when he just couldn't settle himself down. I felt bad that there truly wasn't anything more I could do. I shared that with a psychologist I knew. She told me that when kids like him got to be 30 years old or so, what helped to save them was that one person who liked them and was there for them - even for a short time - when they were younger. She told me not to discount what I was doing because it mattered - even if I couldn't see it or watch his progress for all of his life. Maybe our loved ones hit hard places in their lives. That doesn't mean they'll stay there forever or if they do that it isn't with some purpose we simply will never be able to witness. I don't believe in magical thinking, but I do believe that where we place our faith matters. If I put my faith in discord, disaster, tragedy, unhappiness, then that is all I will actually ever be able to see. If I put my faith into the little blessings of life and in the strength of the human spirit and the goodness that is present throughout all of life - what I can see and what I can't see - I'm more at peace and I can better trust that whatever I offer another in lovingkindness and in truth can somehow be used by a power greater than myself in this life whether I am aware of it or not.

The most tender-hearted and kind people I have known in my lifetime were broken and poured out many, many times in their lifetime. I'm writing this to you from my vantage point on a couch where I can see the rose hues of a setting sun that is serving as a beautiful backdrop to barren trees that have been stormed tossed, iced over and windswept for as many years as I have lived in this house. Their branches are raised to the heavens as if they are in a pose of praise and gratitude. I think it is very difficult to be grateful and to praise our HP when we're going through a storm or a challenging time in our lives and yet there is always a promise of joy for those of us who can do it - not so much for the hardship or for the sorrow or for the challenge - but for the good that can and will be brought out of it by a power greater than ourselves.