The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Emotional detachment . . . when you love an alcoholic and it is not in a voluntary relationship, but is family - in other words you can't divorce them or break up with them and "get rid of them," it can be difficult to detach emotionally when you are aware of anything negative occurring in their lives or when they come to you and share such with you.
I am really struggling to maintain my own sanity, peace, and serenity . . . and to accept my emotions as they arise.
As fear comes up, I pray. I try to visualize best outcomes.
I have many tools I use to assist me. And still, there is an emotional attachment - a fear that no matter what, I will be affected by this person's choices. In this sense, I feel like a victim to them and I do not want to be in that position. I don't know how not to care about their plight . . . and how not to react to their choices. It takes a lot of energy that I would like to be using to live my own life.
Does any mother, grandmother, aunt, sister have any insights they might share?
Thank you!
__________________
"All we see or seem is but a dream within a dream."
Edgar Allan Poe
Row, Row, Row your boat, gently down the stream.
Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Life is but a Dream.
I am a mother and a grandmother and I have a son who was involved in drugs when he was young,I was worried sick.I prayed for him.I was convinced that something terrible was going to happen to him,now he has a family a good job and doesn't use drugs or drink.We were talking about it the other day he said it was fear of losing his wife at the time,that was several years ago and she had just found out she was pregnant,she gave him an ultimatum.I also have a granddaughter who is drinking and using drugs,she is also sexually active.I guess I have learned that I can not know for sure what the future holds for anyone,I have decided to maintain an emotional distance from the situation as I am very fragile right now myself.I just ended a relationship with my A and my therapist suggested I visualize letting him go,I found a beautiful way to do that through a song I found on you tube,I hope you won't be offended but it is a beautiful song about god healing people,it is called ''Set Me Free'' by Casting Crowns as I watched it I realized only God can set us free.It helped me realize my limitations,I do hope this helps.
As a mom of an AD, I understand how hard it is to detach from family. You never stop loving your child- no matter how old they are. For me, I have had to make a conscious effort to let my adult daughter live her life as she chooses. It's hard to hear about the poor choices she is making in her life, but I find that if I engage with her, I put my serenity at risk. So I love her from afar. I am not her HP, and she is not mine.
Of course, I know that if she were to become homeless or her health were to be affected, then it would be very challenging to keep my distance. But I can only think in terms of "one day at a time" right now. I don't know what the future might hold, but then again, I'm also not control of what others do. I only have control over myself and my serenity. I hope you are getting to meetings- that's what has helped me to learn to detach with love from my AD.
GE
-- Edited by Green Eyes on Monday 22nd of December 2014 03:12:57 PM
-- Edited by Green Eyes on Monday 22nd of December 2014 04:02:44 PM
Its not about not caring, that will never happen. For me, i love my son and will always care about him and want the best for him. Its looking like his drinking is going to continue causing trouble in his life, its the trouble i need to keep out my life, not necessarily him, physically. For example, he used to tell me every detail of each new drama. Of course, i would be ill with worry, couldnt sleep etc. It was a controlling tactic driven by this cunning disease. So, i stopped responding with my usual pleading and begging and nagging etc. I just said, im sure you will work that out and changed the subject in a positive direction. This manipulation ended. I dont care any less, im just realistic about his motives now. Playing the victim, poor mes, dramatic chaotic situations can be part of the tools used by addicts in order to get what they want.
My loved ones and yours have as much chance as anyone to improve their lives, of course they want you to think they are helpless but they are not and neither are we. Im all about improving my life, so if i need boundaries around my son to do that then im doung the best i can for him. Im setting him an example, im showing him how to do it.
ohno You have received many wise replies I just wanted to add that we will always love and care for our children . Alanon suggests that we stop trying to control them and let go of the destructive tools of worry , blame, and fear.
I found each these negative feelings could be replaced if I used my alanon tools of acceptance of life on life's terms and by prayer.I am only a victim if I stop trying to help myself and surrender to the insanity and then I am my own victim
This program is a process and if we keep working it ODAT things do improve.
I have noticed the more program work I do the better I get about detaching; except for some specific people that I tend to go backward with. I am working on that. But I have siblings who in terms of alcohol specifically are heavy drinkers and I feel that if I'm asked about the fact that I no longer drink I will share that information and how much Alanon has helped me in many areas, but I don;t feel as consumed with what they are choosing to do or not to do as I used to.
I have noticed I am able to say to people I care about..."what I noticed helped me with this is.....(meetings, sponsor, reading, inventory).
I would end up in the ER because of the fear of what my son would do next, what would happen next, what can I do to help so this won't happen....etc etc etc. I was going nuts with fear and worry. Over time I learned how to turn it off and put the focus completely on me and my fears of WHY...Cathy Why? What good was it going to do because what going to happen will happen with or without YOUR worry or fear Cathy.
Ohno....it wasn't easy but with meetings, reading, posting and just down right arguing with myself on paper I was able to control my behavior. I had choices...be sick or not be sick.
I can also say out of the many many times a crisis would arise my fears and worry DIDN"T pan out and I was completely wrong about what would happen. Funny one of the biggest for me was if I didn't hear from my son after a few days I always thought he was dead......go figure he's still alive after 5 years.
This stuff works if you work it.......guaranteeeeeeed!!
((( hugs )))
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
It is helpful to me to talk with my sponsor, read the literature, attend a meeting, or focus on my surroundings, my breathing, how my body is feeling. I also find it helpful to do things I love to do or to ask myself this questions: "Whose business am I in: Mine, God's, another's?" That question helps me immediately dump my focus from other people, future fears, past mistakes or anything else I can't control and I feel immediate relief.
Thank you, grateful . . . I will write that out on an index card.
Now, how does everyone deal with the FEELINGS that any negative thoughts may have produced, or in my case this morning, after having a good day yesterday, I woke up with bad FEELINGS . . . not sure why - the dream I remembered was good - but then I started worrying and projecting into the future . . .
__________________
"All we see or seem is but a dream within a dream."
Edgar Allan Poe
Row, Row, Row your boat, gently down the stream.
Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Life is but a Dream.
1. On my way to work during a self crisis...the serenity prayer over and over worked along with asking HP to take that fear away....in my car alone.
2. Phone calls had to be put aside most times. If it was that important ( emergency ) my son would leave a message giving me the option to call back...and you know most times.....no message....but when I picked up...complaining and fear was the norm that made it worse for both of us. Later I come to find out my son would say he called but he worked it out. I had to learn not to let him control me....I had to control ME.
3. I had to stop letting myself hear it ( something ) and I had to stop looking for it. Not easy but when I did hear it only took about a hour and my crisis subsided and I could let go and move on.
It's a one day at a time.....sometimes one minute at a time but get those tools out and work with them every single day.
Oh one more thing I used was a "God Box" write down on a piece of paper what you want to go away and put in the box and ask HP to take it away. It helps and when things get better for you open it up and read some the the craziness you have experienced over time. I had to laugh at myself with some of the things I wrote down.
Now I learned these things from all the wonderful people here and the fellowship so keep coming back so you can learn too.
((( hugs )))
PS: I made and lit candles every night for my son and many others that their fears, worry and demons will be taken away.
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
My feelings change when I change my thinking or behaviors or both. Sometimes, there are free floating feelings and I just let them be and let them sail on by when I get busy doing something interesting to me at the time.
Ohno, i think the detailed answers you are looking for are in the process of working the programme for yourself. No one really gave me the understanding of detaching with love, i read about it listened to others, practiced it, got it wrong, got it wrong but better, got it right sometimes. Theres no quick way to get it, well in my opinion. It takes work. For me, it all worked together. My understanding of detaching was deeper when i understood alcoholism and its effects. Learning the philosophy is like learning bite size ideas that eventually turn into a full picture.
I find when I argue with what is, I can get myself in quite a snit. I storm around a bit inside, let God have it, and then I accept what is and make the best of what cards life has dealt me. I don't have to like the cards I've been dealt but I might as well play 'em rather than quit.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 22nd of December 2014 10:12:49 PM
yeah. i know. i was thinking about the d*** cards today.
the thing is: everyone has to have a philosophy regarding WHY this has happened. i had one with my daughter (her dad is a functioning alcoholic). BUT - i sent her to alateen, and then helped raise my grandson. did every stinking thing a person could possibly do - and STILL this is the outcome. i was into accepting and "working the program" and THIS is where it got me.
i find the alanon meeting heartbreaking - all of these parents just heartbroken that their kids have chosen this path . . . and they all look super haggard. it is depressing. so much grief. everyone just coping . . .
show me the grace of a "grateful alanon" - who in their right mind would be grateful their family has been destroyed? that the health of their children, grandchildren, and themselves has been negatively impacted? that there is trauma and drama - and you just have to keep coping and praying 24/7, because if you let down your guard for one moment, BOOM.
i honestly feel i did nothing to deserve this. (and this is a spiritual assessment).
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 22nd of December 2014 10:34:06 PM
__________________
"All we see or seem is but a dream within a dream."
Edgar Allan Poe
Row, Row, Row your boat, gently down the stream.
Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Life is but a Dream.
Hi OHno I am grateful that alanon restored me to sanity and gave me the courage and wisdom to continue to live once my life had crashed and burned
I have been in alanon for over 30 yeas. I first entered program because my husband was engulfed with this disease. I thought that I would come here be given the answers on how to fix him and get him sober and then leave.. My sponsor corrected my thinking and assured me that I was powerless over this disease and that alanon tools and meetings are available to help me recover from the devastating affects of living with the disease.
Recovery is a process but at no time will program ever remove feelings of fear, anxiety, sadness. These are useful human emotions and most be felt -- The best we can do is learn how to process them in a constructive manner
I can identify with your statement when you state:"I have "put in my time - I am over it I have gone to alanon for years , I feel I deserve more than having to cope with this. I know I did as well -- However my HP and the Universe did not agree
I remained in alanon because the tools helped me to live a serene and productive fulfilling life . Then one day without warning , my son who had been sober for 14 years ,relapsed and again I was back using all the tools just like a beginner.
I know this is a lifetime program for me I am given the courage, serenity and wisdom to live my life one day at a time so I keep coming back I hope you do too.
There is no answer to why in my experience. I'm not sure that our kids have chosen the path. The path might have chosen them? There is an old cartoon my Mom sent me once. Two men who appear to be in their 90s are sitting side by side on a park bench near a small lake. Their backs are to the reader. Their profiles show them almost nose to nose. One man is saying to the other: "Do you have a clue what this is all about?" The other responds: "No."
I'm also not sure any of this is about deserving or not deserving. It just is what it is. Darn.
yes. acceptance is key. that's why i asked what your philosophy is or has become.
i still seem to have put some faith in god - and i think that is misplaced.
i am not sure what i believe anymore - like those old men in the park, i have not a clue - but you have to have some philosophy by which to live life - so i am searching for a world view that will work with me, given my experiences. it's not an easy task.
and i find alanon meetings depressing - all of the haggard faces, the sad stories, the crying . . . it's all just too much.
__________________
"All we see or seem is but a dream within a dream."
Edgar Allan Poe
Row, Row, Row your boat, gently down the stream.
Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Life is but a Dream.
Maybe they're all on their way to surrender and acceptance? I've been fortunate in that most of the meetings I attend are peaceful and there is lots of laughter in some. The Kleenex box always comes out for folks but for the most part, we are a serene and growing group of healing people. I'm also fortunate in that I have a very gifted sponsor who is available to me daily. She really is a help to me. I hope you have a good sponsor, too?
In alanon people are being real They are not" pretending "as people do in the outside world . I love the fact that members, men and women are able to be vunerable and cry.
It is acceptable and healing. This is how we recover.
I believe completely in God and now understand that I must only pray for knowledge of His will and the power to carry it out I was always telling God what to do and being angry when He failed my requests How foolish was I ?
I do pray for courage, serenity and wisdom and receive that in abundance
I learned a new way to love from one of the Al-Anon members I use to attend groups with. I have her definition with me today which was heads and tales much better than what I was thinking, feeling and doing. "Love is the complete and total acceptance of every other person for exactly who they are". That is what she told me and today I love my alcoholic/addict son and all alcoholics and addicts, just like I love you and every other person in my life including those who may enter my life tomorrow and I love me like that too. I detach and still love...not all my children are drinkers and users...should I love any of them different...should I treat them different? Not today and not ever again. I love my MIP family unconditionally, (((((hugs)))))
I dont know what meetings your going to but miserable haggard faces, nope, depressing, nope. The meetings ive been to, the people are happy, grateful, healthy, a bit glamorous to be honest. These are people who take care of themselves. If its full of newbies then yes, haggard, miserable, crying, i was all that in the beginning too, no more. Its a choice to a certain degree, its simple maths, do the work feel better, dont do the work, stay with your misery.
I do understand your bitterness, i felt and can feel like that too. First my ex husband for years then my son, alcoholism is most likely going to be part of my life forever but the choice is feel sorry for myself, get bitter, all those negative joy sucking thoughts. I done that for years, alanon has given me hope and a better life than i could ever have imagined so yes im grateful that alcoholism is in my family. Some people live their whole lives miserable, bitter and twisted for some reason or another, not necessarily alcoholism. Im not and because of alcoholism im pretty wise and aware of the choices i have. Im mostly not choosing self pity, the poor mes are destructive for everyone. Stick with it ohno, it works if you surrender your own obstacles.
