need to share - Al-Anon Family Group

yanksfan51 · ~*Service Worker*~

need to share

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

First, it is great that you came here with this. Maybe processing and writing has provided you with some clarity. My gut tells me he is manipulating you and cannot be trusted. He is out of integrity living with another woman and keeping you involved. Have you been feeling lonely? I understand how tempting this experience is, believe me, I really do. You may be hearing your gut but your heart and head are veering you away from your intuition. You have a strong program and will work it. Take care of you, hugs.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Im not sure how useful my esh will be. Ive been single for a long while now so new relationships and flirting etc is a bit alien to me, in fact i dont know i would recognise anything romantic if it slapped me in the face. I do know what recovery looks like though. I know it cant ever make anyone perfect but im not sure working a serious program would allow a person to treat their gf so shabbily. To me, his behaviour looks like someone who wants that instant gratification. He might be getting a buzz from chasing you and feeling he might get caught. Its a power thing with alcoholics, to be in control of others in some way is part of the disease in my experience. I dont think his behaviour seems that surprising considering hes in early recovery, hes a high risk.

The issue may be why you feel the need to be in a risky relationship with another alcoholic. Sorry, it sounds so blunt but if i were you i would be thinking what work do i need to do within myself? Why have i stepped back into dysfunction? What part of me am i not facing honestly enough? Alarm bells would be ringing for me here and i would be banging down the doors of the nearest alanon meeting. This would be my worst nightmare scenario because im working hard to change the parts of me that were attracked to the chaos, so if chaos came in to my life it wouldnt be there for long. I hope you can work this out. Good luck.

-- Edited by el-cee on Monday 22nd of December 2014 01:22:27 PM

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

I like the thoughts that El Cee threw out there. Maybe work a step 4 inventory on this to see where it leads you? I have a male friend whom I talk to who is single and I'm still married. We keep it VERY clean and friendly, mostly talking about books, Bible verses, current events, and the weather, LOL. I know that if we were to talk about emotions or our troubles in life, it might bring me to a point of an emotional affair. In other words, if my AH demanded to see my FB messages or text messages, there is nothing there to see other than friendly stuff like, "How'd you like that book? Or, what scripture verse did you refer to on FB last week?" It keeps me honest and I do my best to live in reality which is: I'm married still and I need to get my sh*t together first and I certainly want to be fair to myself, to this friend, to my AH, and to God. I can only do those things by being honest.

Here's the thing: this guy you're talking to isn't keeping things on the up and up with his girlfriend and I wonder how she would react to his messages to you, if she were to find them or see them? Honestly, it sounds like chaos to me and like alcoholic stuff rearing it's ugly head with him. You are doing something wonderful for YOU, though, right now! You are reaching out, you are being honest, you know what's going on, but you're drawn to the chaos anyway. That's why the step 4 work might be helpful along with being honest with your sponsor. Hugs, I know this is hard because you are drawn to this man. Will be thinking of you and praying for you this week as you work through these emotions.

mjferg · Senior Member

When I talk about my relationships I realize they have all been with the same kind of man,only the names have changed.emotionally unavailable,dishonest,etc.Maybe ask yourself if you are doing it because it is comfortable and familiar?My therapist says if I am uncomfortable I am making the necessary changes.

DavidG · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Mary...

[I am not a Yanks fan... mostly a rugby, cricket and sailing fan... biggrin ]

have uploaded your posts before, think you are a, a guy, and b, the same age as me!

Not so, of course... I found in Alanon that when I started feeling a bit of chemistry I was getting better emotionally- a good sign... aww .

The boundaries around this sort of thing... well we create and build these things as we go along... in Alanon the boundaries are strongly neutral, and safe, which is a really good starting point- to live the rest of our lives...

...sometimes, and mostly all the time, our Families of origin do not offer much support; and we learn to build friendships and healthy networks...

...its a 'work in progress...' smile .

yanksfan51 · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks to all who responded so far...

I know I am changing because I am not comfortable with this and know that I have to do a lot of work to stay away from it. Something changed this weekend as I heard him saying things about his relationship that need to be said to his gf and I know that. Our relationship has been about those good positive things like sharing what we know about our faith and our program work--and it has sometimes veered away from that which I know I cannot do while he is unavailable and in fact in a relationship with someone else.

In the beginning I was turning to him for help and was a source of that; now I see that I am stronger and can't give up my serenity. I did go to a f2f meeting last night and it was exactly what I needed. So was sharing here. I am grateful that I knew that and that I 'know' all of you!

Mary

PS David--I am a 46 yr old female Yankees fan; my father groomed all 6 of us to love the pinstripes. It was like being baptized, I didn't have a choice at the time smile

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

smile love your insights and recovery work...

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Mary Thanks for your honesty and clarity. I do feel that you are in a very vulnerable position and that being attracted to someone and having them attracted to you does feel mighty good after living in the alcoholic insanity for so long.

I too believe I see "Red" flags around this person and feel as if he may be 13 stepping you. . Please know that you are a precious intelligent, beautiful woman and that this will not be the last person to connect with you.
Keep sharing and stay present to your sponsor and your inner voice. You are not alone.

yanksfan51 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hotrod--I PMd you; thank you!

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

I think it's the same for both parties. Relationships when recovery begins should not be pursued for at while but everyone is different. If I should ever leave my SO I would be crazy to get right back into a relationship before I have come to terms with MY LIFE...... which needs a whole lot of help

(((( hugs )))

deacon · Senior Member

Seems to me that he is playing you for his own emotional gratification. And your HP and increasing awareness is telling you that he is not a reliable support. He is emotionally cheating on his gf and you are such a wise woman to see that. Keep working the program and, as Cathy says, stay out of relationships until you have done the work on your life.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Mary: I agree with most all that has been said here. I'd like to add something to the chorus of supporters: As a woman with multiple brothers who has worked with multiple men in various organizations and walks of life, I can't think of one man I've met who has trouble getting out of a relationship he truly doesn't want to be in if there are no children involved. Maybe the guys will have a different take on this, but this is my experience for what it is worth. I'd also like to add that it appears you are not happy in this friendship and uncertain about it now. I've never had a friendship with a man or a woman that is healthy for me that I've ever experienced unhappiness or uncertainty in. When unhappiness or uncertainty begins to buck within me, those are red flags to me that something isn't right. That doesn't mean I don't have to iron some things out in my head or with a friend but those times are like a minor blip in the road along the way.

yanksfan51 · ~*Service Worker*~

Grateful--

Yes I hear you and what's worse is that he has admitted more than once he never has broken up with a girl--he usually screws up badly enough that they finally leave! I have heard that more than once, yet back I went into it w him. I just forced myself to write that down so I would have to see it in print. I think what got me thinking and FINALLY uneasy this past weekend was....is that the role I wanted to play? The one he screwed up with so his gf would leave?? YIKES

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Good question. And.....after he screws it up because he wants out of it but won't do the hard work of saying what is true for him...he'll find some gal who will feel bad for him and try to make it up to him because "she'll be the one to prove to him he's loveable." There are women who do the same thing but we're discussing one particular individual, therefore the "he." He can always make changes at some point in his healing process and that could take years - or not. Doesn't matter. What matters is your well-being.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 22nd of December 2014 05:44:18 PM

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

I hope when i do get finally divorced to wait 2-3 years before starting a new
Relationship. I have too much healing to do after a 29 year marriage. I
Know my picker would be way off.

My dry ah is now in a relationship with one of his AA gf. He wants a divorce
So he could have a better relationship with her. Instead of going to AA
To work on himself he is there helping needy AA women. I think he is still
not Emotionally sober and he has been dry for 30 years.

yanksfan51 · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you all--

grateful: yes I have that part of me that just knows oh I really understand this guy! That thought helped me realize I was thinking like the 'other woman' and after a marriage that included infidelities, how could I ever be that?!

Mirandac: no pun intended, but your post was extremely sobering. And I know I am looking at this person who I have known for over 20 years, but have gotten to know so closely in the past two years...and it's a pull because he is all the familiar for me but is working a program, so I know in my mind somewhere I have been thinking--'oh an improving version of what I have known'.

All of the responses have been helping me immensely and I thank you for them

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

When I first was divorced, I dated men who really weren't available for a committed relationship. Most treated me very well. It took time for me to realize that I chose to date them because subconsciously I wasn't available for a committed relationship. They were my mirrors. I was also used to chaos and drama and two of those relationships had intermittent times of chaos and drama for me. The more I worked on me and increased the things I loved to do and my circle of supporters and friends, the less I encountered drama or chaos in my dating life. One day, I woke up to the reality that I was much happier without a relationship than I was with one. I liked the freedom of it. That could change but at my age, probably not. I still had to give myself a lot of time to grieve, to feel my way, to discover my genuine desires before I was really ready for a SO. The men I attracted were mostly good men and they helped me learn a lot about myself. I am grateful for them and to them. I'm also glad I never married any of them. They might also feel that same way about me. Regardless, we helped each other learn what we needed to know. When the lessons were finished, we were all led in different directions. You're doing fine, Mary. You're learning and you're growing.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I sorta had the same kinda thing, cept he was divorcing and planning to marry me. She is an a who cheated and abused their kids. he stayed till they were grown.

anyway its easy to fall into needing someone who cares and listens. Its lonely out here! Trouble is, he is basically married.

I shared this and hit is helping me. I feel my HP closed the door to my relationship with that person with the A wife. it was wrong, even though it made me very happy. Also another thing was if you are an option, then get out of the relationship.

does he leave live in gal and be with you or opposite? NO place to be. If someone loves you they will take care of business to be with you, no matter what it is.

I have not opened that door. Almost many times I have thought to call him, but do not. He heard my last words, "do not contact me unless you are divorced." I meant it.

Attention is nice! hard to say go away. for me we had been friends such a long time. he was in process of divorce then family things happened. but if that was it, those issues are gone now, he still said he was staying where he was, even though he "loved" me. right.

ugh. hugs honey

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Mary))))) isn't it so cunning, powerful and baffling that he is also....an alcoholic. I "duplicated" after I left my alcoholic/addict several times until I finally let go with the realization that "normal" for me was picking things that needed to be fixed. Thanks for the trust...sounded like a 5th step or a tenth, both work here. You see clearly so some of the best suggestions come right out of your own post. That you feel a higher degree of recovery than his is huge information. Now ..."Courage to change the things you can"... I have done what he is doing and had to learn how not to cause it never ever works and I wasn't recovering. Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Hugs)))))) Mary - this is an awesome thread.

One of the ways that I identified and took ownership of my problem with alcoholics was when I found out that the only two men who turned my head a little, apart from AH of course, were both alcoholics. That spoke volumes to me. It has just occurred to me, since these boys were pretty narcissistic as well, perhaps I'm attracted to these people because they won't look at me too closely? Dang!!! At least now my picker is re-tunning and I am learning that I am ready to reveal myself more and that I deserve to be accepted as well.

You said ''oh an improving version of what I have known'' - Wonderful, wonderful comment, thank you so much for that!

I love the way that you are recognising that you deserve a more authentic relationship, sounds as though you are getting ready for that as well.

I admire your wisdom (apart from wondering if you are dating my husband, he never told the other women in his life that he was married and I have heard AH say most of what you describe here!!!). I also admire your courage and self awareness.

yanksfan51 · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you all--you are once again helping me get through some murky waters. I knew it was time to reach out for help here and I am getting that help and support as always! Thank you thank you.

Milkwood--haha, I am not dating your husband but it made me laugh because one of my best friends from childhood divorced about a year before I did. Her husband had cheated on her several times in the marriage and although she has been helping me was well, she too said that much of what she has heard from me about what Sober Guy says in relation to his gf, she is certain was said about her to other women.

Jerry--Baffling and cunning; I'll say!

Like so many times before, I have already come back to these posts to read and reread and remember where I was and where I am now--I don't want that to be the same place!!

(((((((MIP))))))))

Mary

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.