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Hello everyone! My trip with my girls went pretty well. My oldest daughter and I got into an argument....but we were ok the next day. We have some issues to work on.
Anyhow, while we were gone, I know my AH started drinking again and was in bed the whole time. You may wonder how I know...I just know. I know his patterns, how he sounds, etc. he did not sound well. He has the greatest timing!! He started his mental crisis the day we left...probably the day before. Anyway, I maintained my detachment the whole time we were gone! I only had our daughter return his calls...I never called him to check on him. I didn't text him either...except when daughter was calling him. One time when he called, I asked what was going on, that was it. It's hard because I do worry about him. But I managed to not check up on him for 4 days...it's a big step for me. I also didn't worry as much as I usually do. It felt good to go on vacation and be ok! I went on all the rides with my kids, except one. I ended up getting blisters on my feet...that was and still is awful. My shoes were worse than I thought.
So, I just let him wallow in his misery while I enjoyed time with my kids. I know he knows how to get help. I am not capable of changing him. Thanks for being here!
Awesome post! Glad the trip was good. It's like I was saying. You care...but you don't have to care like you used to. It's okay not to care like that any more. In fact, that is detachment with love.
Thanks everyone. Interesting things happen when I detach. He texted me today saying he was touching base with me because he had a depressive episode. He apologized in a voicemail for how things have turned out. The problem I have is I care more about the depression than the alcohol use. However, these depression flare ups usually last 4-5 days and he uses alcohol to cope. The text and voicemail was odd...like he was informing me of his depression and how he's been out of it for the last 5 days. (I already knew all of this.) I am not responding to him still. I can't deal with the mental illness or the alcohol use. Even if he wasn't drinking to cope with this episode, I still feel like it's all chaos. I have a hard time looking at depression like its cancer. Does anyone else have this issue like I do? I can't deal with his mental illness. Should I be looking at the brain like another organ when it has cancer? I'm a nurse...and when I was in school I couldn't stand my psychiatric rotation. It's hard for me because it isn't so black and white.
Depression is part of grief and loss. I don't see it as a cancer or a mental illness but a healthy part of growing through a difficult time. I don't know your AH, but since alcohol is a depressant to me it would be one of those which came first - the chicken or the egg kinds of things. I know others will disagree with me, but I think we medicate too quickly in many cases without helping somebody work through whatever it is that is contributing to the depression. Chronic depression might be different but......I'm just not sure about that. A friend of mine lost two children to sudden deaths due to heart trouble. My friend was depressed and put on meds. He wasn't mentally ill. He was grieving deeply. To me, his doctor was nutz. My friend was having a human response to two devastating losses. He still had to deal with the depression when he went off the meds. To me, the drugs just delayed the inevitable. But...that's me.
I also believe that honoring my limits is important. I can't be with people who are drinking or drugging. It's a turn off for me. I'm not unkind to them and I move on to be with others who aren't drinking or drugging. If mental illness is something that is a turn off for you - then, it is - at least until it isn't? I have worked among many people with severe mental illnesses. They don't bother me. I'm comfortable with them unless they go off their meds and become dangerous for a bit. But, people who are active alcoholics or addicts is a different story for me - that and reading or typing op notes on eyeball surgery (yuck). I just figure if its a turn off to me, it isn't mine to deal with.
The AH's depression scares me. He has had it for years. He will stay in bed for 4-5 days nonstop. It's awful. I know he just did this again, but not positive if he is drinking to try and cope since I don't live with him. All I know is I don't like it. I will keep my daughter safe by not allowing her to go over there for awhile...if ever again. Mental illness that incapacitates a person like this is not safe for a child to be around. I've had enough. I know depression can be situational, but in his case it's a chemical imbalance he has had for years...and yeah..who knows...maybe the alcohol came first and made it worse.
Depressive episodes that last 5 days are probably more drinking related and if not, that is probably a bipolar depression. Ordinary depressive episodes last longer...From what you described, he's been in an episode for months so this is more than that. I also fully understand, agree, and support your choices...too much. He is not well.
I'm glad you mostly had a good time!
Sorry about the blisters, is there a beach nearby? Walking in the sand and salty water will help them heal up fast
Good on you for not letting him ruin your good time.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Thanks MissMeliss. The beach is about 45 min away...not too far but it's really cold there now. I have a sore throat, so staying inside for now. Thanks for suggestion. They're getting better.
PC: yep...you were right...once again! :) he was drinking. Admitted it to me tonight. He told me he got a new sponsor. So maybe, just maybe, he might start working a program. But that's his business! I knew he was drinking, so it doesn't surprise me. He told me he has a lot to be depressed over...yes he does. However, he had these episodes when he had a job and a family...so there's always a reason for these episodes of depression/drinking. All I know is...I am so glad I could detach on my vacation as well as I did...thanks to my friends here, Al anon, and my sponsor! I can care...but I don't have to care in the same way I used to. Those are helpful words to me!!
(((NG)))...alcohol is a liquid depressant...If he drinks and is depressed; often (most) times it means he is under the influence which also means that the alcoholic can be alcohol free and still in depression. Cunning, Powerful and Baffling. Alcohol is a mind and mood altering chemical. They don't put that on the bottle as a warning and everyone from manufacturer, distribution and sales know it. So do we.
Glad your trip was great...stay on it and go get some slippers to free your feet up.
Thanks Jerry. I am glad I am getting closer and closer to understanding my job. Detachment. I can't freak out every time this happens. I have to be clear and understand what I need to do. I just take care of business and do what I need to do.
Sometimes Sweetie it is good not to think in terms of "job". I learned that there are very few "have to's" in my life and my sponsor taught me that when ever I was compelled to "fix" something or someone and was so sure I could to think...."Maybe I can and then should I"? I don't should all over myself like I use to. (((hugs)))
