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Hi everyone. I'm a new member of Al-Anon and so grateful that I found the program! Today I found out that my boyfriend of 2 years, an untreated Alcoholic has been cheating on me. According to him it was only twice and both times he was completely wasted, but it was the same person both times so clearly he's not totally blacked out.
I'm having a really hard time because I really love him and want to stay with him, but now that I have the Al-Anon program in my life I see clearly that his addiction is completely ruling his life and there is nothing I can do to compete with alcohol. I'm almost not as upset about the cheating as I am about how far into the alcoholic disease he is falling.
I feel like I would be totally letting myself down by staying in a situation I know is headed downhill, but I also am not ready to walk away from a person I deeply care about. Am I completely neglecting my own well being by staying in this relationship? Am I a glutton for punishment because I'm finding it so hard to leave?
I have so many thoughts going through my head about why he would disrespect me and treat me so poorly, but I know that it's not him it's the disease.
I'm trying really hard to come to terms with why I so badly want to stay with a person who regularly chooses alcohol over me. If I really was looking out for myself and attending to my needs the logical thing would be to walk away, but it is so hard for me to do. I just keep convincing myself that we can work it out even though I KNOW what's in store when he continues to drink.
I feel like this is truly insanity and an unmanageable situation.
I appreciate any insights or clarity anyone has to offer, but mainly I appreciate just being able to put this thought out into the world. I wish I was on step 3 so I could just give my will up to my Higher Power and see what comes of it.
According to him it was only twice and both times he was completely wasted, but it was the same person both times so clearly he's not totally blacked out.
I'm having a really hard time because I really love him and want to stay with him, but now that I have the Al-Anon program in my life I see clearly that his addiction is completely ruling his life and there is nothing I can do to compete with alcohol. I'm almost not as upset about the cheating as I am about how far into the alcoholic disease he is falling.
I feel like I would be totally letting myself down by staying in a situation I know is headed downhill, but I also am not ready to walk away from a person I deeply care about. Am I completely neglecting my own well being by staying in this relationship? Am I a glutton for punishment because I'm finding it so hard to leave?
I just keep convincing myself that we can work it out even though I KNOW what's in store when he continues to drink.
I feel like this is truly insanity and an unmanageable situation.
Dear Ashley, first welcome to the MIP alanon program......sooo sad to hear this....and its not the booze that is making him cheat, its HIM.....booze does NOT create cheaters or beaters,....its already there....the alcohol only brings it out....so you must decide if you want to risk sexually transmitted diseases along w/ untreated alcoholism which for sure, if not arrested and managed by AA will bring him down and take you down with him IF you don't work alanon....are there any meets near you????? alanon will help you understand why you would accept this not only life threatening behaviour, but also the cheating....he is putting you at risk.....and yes, you are neglecting your well being if you don't "marry up" with alanon, go to meets every day, really, i went EVERY day till i got grooved into it enough w/the steps and a sponsor, oh yea....i wanted to know WHY i felt so low about me to put up with unacceptable behaviour....i left my 2 former husbands before i got into alanon, but i kept staying in sick family relationships or sick, emotionally unavailable men, i would get attracted to, until i got to "know me" through alanon......
i know its hard to leave, but adultery AND the slow death of alcohol would be it for me.....its either ME only or its NOT me at all.....I don't share my man....a friend of mine on my facebook had an a boyfriend who gave her herpes b/c he cheated on her...now she has herpes blisters /breakouts thanks to his being a cheat......she will have herpes for life, now....yea, there is medication to kinda control it but if she finds a GOOD partner , she will have to reveal that she has this....i only recently found this out and she was posting privately to some of us, she was having trouble breaking off b/c she had "invested" some time wiht him.......it was awful....we all told her what we would do, but she didn't want to leave.....now this
so i urge you to get into meets....and yes, get yourself tested, please..this is serious...IF you caught something you want to know now , gonorrhea is on the increase and its more resistent to medication...early treatment is essential so as to prevent gynecological problems in the future....
I hate to scare you but drinking and fooling around are a dangerous cocktail for the innocent partner...fidelity is essential for trust , for hygiene, for safety now......also think....if he really loved you he would save himself for you...
i am willing to bet you don't sleep around on him....and i don't care if it is the 'same person" how do you KNOW that???? and who cares?? ONE time would be enough for me
i urge you to get into some meetings as soon as possible...work your program...take care of you....learn how lovable, acceptable you are and this kind of treatment is NOT what you deserve......he defiled the relationship....he spat on a blessing (you) and his drinking will get worse and worse until he begins to mentally go insane and die a horrible death...and how many girls will he bed down with b4 he is too bad off to "perform"???? if he doesn't get into AA...arrest the alcohol....work a strong program there is no hope.....only 15- 25% of them make it and the ones who do, are working a strong AA program.....NO booze...NO messing around, meetings as many as there are days and working with their sponsors....
this is an addiction and the sober partner cannot deal wiht this w/out the support of alanon
i'm sorry to paint such a gloomy picture, but truth hurts, but the truth does set you free.....I am SO very glad you had enough of a "spark to survive" to reach out to us and get some help and support......alanon is for us, about us, to teach us how to care for us.......I do hope you get into some meets and get into a strong program, so if you do leave this cheater, you will NOT want to repeat this pattern.....the next guy will be sober....sexually clean.....respect his body and yours.....be an equal partner.....nice to be around...dependable....will have a healthy self love and can share it w/you and the two of you can have a clean, safe, happy life together.......something prompted you here......something that loves you and wants to save you prompted you to reach out.......sending you hugs of support..........
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
This is a place that has helped me so much and I am sure that you will benefit as well.
Yes, going to Alanon meetings if you can is, in my experience, hugely valuable. You will find support for you, see others in similar circumstances and learn how you can live your life to the full regardless of the behaviour of others.
My husband also cheated on me. We had been together nearly thirty years. I tried to ride out the affair thinking that he would come to his senses and see the damage that was being caused. I made myself ill in the process. I finally admitted to myself that I could not live with this disease - frankly a loving relationship should not be that difficult!! I left my husband. He stopped his relationship with the other woman and he stopped drinking. We are back together trying to pick up the pieces and it is not easy, but we are both doing what we can. I don't think that AH would have tried to stop any of his ghastly behaviour if I had continued to put up with it.
If I had my time over I would have left much sooner. First of all I decided to take alcohol out of the equation. I had been using it as an excuse for AH's behaviour. When I asked myself whether or not I would let a sober person treat me the way he was treating me my answer was a loud NO. I decided that I would not accept any less from my husband and that I not helping him by my 'trying to be strong' - in fact I think he was bathing in shame as a result of his actions and I was topping up the bathtub with my 'loving kindness' and wanting him to like me. I decided that my self esteem mattered to me. AH might continue drinking, I might stay or leave, but either way I need to be a thriving, fully functioning individual. My own well being matters. So does yours
I really like the fact that you are questioning your situation, that you can see that you have alternatives. You have the power to choose how you would like to live your life.
PS I found that meditation and yoga helped me to quieten my mind - I had that racing brain as well, trying to find the words that would magically change our situation.
Ashley, dont be too hard on yourself. It sounds like you have made really good progress already. Your not in denial, which is huge. Denial would stop you seeking help and seeing the truth clearly so your half way there. We can become addicted to the drama caused by the alcoholics in our lives. The heightened anxiety keeps us hooked a while after our mind decides to move away from danger. It becomes a very dysfunctiknl relationship and it can be difficult to untangle ourselves from the mess. Your in alanon, working the program, so you are determined enough, it wont take long and you will make the decisions that are right for you and will be right for him too.
Thank you all for your support :) I really do appreciate the positivity and the truth, even if it stings. It's amazing how much better I feel after reading your comments. Love for all of you!
Dear Ashley , I would like to welcome you to MIP , I am pleased that you reached out and shared your experience, fears and pain. You are not alone. Alcoholism is a dreadful disease over which we are powerless. It has been identified as a chronic , progressive threefold disease that affects not only the person who takes in the substance but also all who interact with them. There is no cure although it can be arrested. With that in mind the best we can do is to learn how to take care of ourselves in a healthy fashion.
I am so glad that you have found Al-Anon and are attending meetings. You asked the question why do I do what I do and stay with this person I know it is not healthy? The Al-Anon program has been established many years ago by others who've asked the same question. The short answer is that we have been affected negatively by the disease and require a program of recovery of our own. Al-Anon is that program as it recognizes the confusion and pain that results from trying to love an alcoholic and still maintain our own sanity. Please continue to attend meetings working the steps is a powerful antidote to this disease. When I read the steps and saw the 12th step promised me a spiritual awakening it inspired me to continue. I knew I needed help and change and I was willing to try anything.
It is at Al-Anon meetings that I broke the isolation caused by living in the insanity of the alcoholism, learned how to accept support from others who understood as few others can and developed new constructive tools to live by. My self-esteem and self-worth were restored slowly and I began to trust myself and the process each day.
Welcome to MIP. I have asked myself some of your questions as the wife of an A who I later divorced, the mother of an alcoholic son, the sister of alcoholic or problem drinking sibs, and the friend of recovering or active As. The answers came slowly in some cases and quickly in others. Active engagement in the Al-Anon program has been a big help to me as I've worked it with the help of sponsors, fellowship members and my higher power. I hope you will continue to take advantage of the program's wisdom so that you can answer the questions you have in ways that help you increase your self-esteem and improve your quality of life whether or not your AB stops drinking. Keep coming back here, too.
It sounds cliché Ashley, but you have to love yourself more than him. This was a foreign concept to me before. I thought loving yourself meant being conceited and stuck up. No. I get how you could love this guy, but there is probably something in the way you love yourself that could use some working on. Also, it may take some thought and ongoing work in alanon (which I would encourage) to figure out what your boundaries are. I also know that cheating is not all due to the disease. I am an alcoholic as well (sober over 6 years now), when I went out drinking to a meat market, I knew I would wind up cheating. When I went out drinking around certain people I knew wanted to get with me or vice versa, I knew I would probably cheat....and I did. Not proud of that, but it happened. I tried all the justifications as well. Told my partner (who was also an alcoholic) that I barely even remembered the incidents...blah blah...that it was just messing around nothing like an affair...Fact was, I was in sad shape and alcoholism had eaten away at my morals and my character. So while it was not purely "the alcoholism" that guided me, I can say alcoholism ate away at my character and integrity to the point that it took years in recovery to get back to being a person who I can respect and with integrity.
My ex and I separated for a year,he called me on the phone with promises to change.After that year was up I took him back.Then I found out he had been with another woman,Why,because he uses woman to get what he wants and has no regard for them.I realized in that moment if he TRULY loved me he wouldn't have been with her and still calling me on the phone.If I could be so easily disregarded by him,I would be disregarding myself.That is when I ended it,Yes the drinking was bad,but that was disrespect plain and simple.
Welcome Ashley....all great responses here, especially finding al anon for you, not to learn how to handle his cheating. I would say chances are he will continue to cheat. The question for you might be, "do I want to knowingly continue in this relationship with the likelihood he will be cheating?" I hope you have protection in place against STD's? Take care of you and welcome into your life a partner that will value you.
Cheating for me is a deal breaker...short and sweet. Not only does it erode the emotional and mental foundation of the relationship physically it is very threatening. I got an STD from my alcoholic/addict's infidelities. I will forgive and I will stay away. Not good.
