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I have been with my fiance for nearly twelve years now. He had always been a heavy drinker but I noticed his drinking really spiraled out of control about 7 years ago after his DUI. About two or three years later his mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer and shortly after began my fiance's first bout with pancreatitis. He has since been hospitalized probably a dozen times, yet each time I believe that will be the time he will quit for good. I can't imagine going on as I have been sick with worry and with my physical health and sanity diminishing, yet I can't fathom an existence without him. It took me until very recently to stop blaming myself. I thought if I made him happy he wouldn't drink. I believed my love and support would be enough to make him stop. Realizing that I have no control over this has been a bitter pill to swallow, the most heartbreaking feeling ever. Last night I attended my first Al-Anon meeting online. It was tremendously helpful but I know it will take time, alot of time, for me to recover and heal. My question is, is that possible for one to do when still in a relationship with an alcoholic? I know some people do stay and somehow manage to still live there own lives. I guess I am not at the point where I am ready to give up on him and I don't know if I ever will be. I still have hope for our future together even knowing he has probably already shortened his life expectancy significantly. Am I naive to think maybe someday he will get better? I know an alcoholic is never "cured" but I also know alot have stopped. How? What works? Am I hindering his chances of recovery and my own by staying? Am I insane to keep hoping for him even as I seek to heal myself?
I made the decision to end my relationship as my emotional and physical health was also very bad.I guess for me I could no longer stay in the miserableness of it all.I remember coming home a little late one day,an errand took longer than I thought.But yet he can stay out all night drinking.He was pouting and angry and made the rest of my evening unbearable.I looked at that miserable man and thought if I have to live in this one more day I think I will jump off a bridge.That kind of thinking was clearly my motivation to take action.I had to be honest with myself and with what I wanted from life.I too believed that my love would change him but only he can seek the help he needs.I had to save myself.
yet I can't fathom an existence without him. It took me until very recently to stop blaming myself. I thought if I made him happy he wouldn't drink. I believed my love and support would be enough to make him stop. Realizing that I have no control over this has been a bitter pill to swallow, the most heartbreaking feeling ever. Last night I attended my first Al-Anon meeting online. It was tremendously helpful but I know it will take time, alot of time, for me to recover and heal. My question is, is that possible for one to do when still in a relationship with an alcoholic? I know some people do stay and somehow manage to still live there own lives. I guess I am not at the point where I am ready to give up on him and I don't know if I ever will be. I still have hope for our future together even knowing he has probably already shortened his life expectancy significantly. Am I naive to think maybe someday he will get better? I know an alcoholic is never "cured" but I also know alot have stopped. How? What works? Am I hindering his chances of recovery and my own by staying? Am I insane to keep hoping for him even as I seek to heal myself?
Hi and welcome to MIP
your not naive to think MAYBE , he CAN get better however it is unreaslistic to think longevity will be with someone who is active alcoholic......i hope you continue meetings b/c you are gonna need the support of alanon...w/out help he will get worse...his mental and physical health will get worse and you will be with an end stage alcoholic where he is dying....and it is UGLY to watch...my mother died from this and it is slow, painful and terribly gross to watch.......i urge you to hang onto alanon b/c his chances of staying sober IF he gets help is only average about 15 to 20% tops.....its a buggar to manage , alcoholism is an addiction, a killer, a curse to the body heart and soul to the victim and sadly some of them can get really nasty and honery and even dangerous as they mentally break down....some do...some don't.....and you loving him, making him happy is not gonna work.....you need to spend that energy making YOU happy and loving YOU....
the most merciful thing you can do for him is to lovingly detach, let go, let him suffer the consequences and MAYBE he can get forced by illness or other troubles to get help......this is a low percentage proposition, but if you want to stay, want this barable at all, you can't do it w/out the support of alanon...
i am sorry you are in this....but you chose to stay, alanon can help you keep from going down the tubes with him.....
i am glad you reached out.....we are here and we are listening.....get into as many meetings as you can....the support you get is awesome and hopefully you can find a sponsor to help you get going......he may never get help, but that is his choice....u have no power or control over him and all the loving, begging, crying, coddling, babying is not gonna change it.......but you can help you.......sending you hugs of support
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I made the decision to end my relationship as my emotional and physical health was also very bad.I guess for me I could no longer stay in the miserableness of it all.I remember coming home a little late one day,an errand took longer than I thought.But yet he can stay out all night drinking.He was pouting and angry and made the rest of my evening unbearable.I looked at that miserable man and thought if I have to live in this one more day I think I will jump off a bridge.That kind of thinking was clearly my motivation to take action.I had to be honest with myself and with what I wanted from life.I too believed that my love would change him but only he can seek the help he needs.I had to save myself.
Me too....i just looked at my life and thought "omg if this is all there is, i want outta here" yep....very few people can go it the long haul and i notice that the ones who can go the distance work alanon as tho they are married to it and they completely live their own lives, so they win with alanon,but it is still a loss to see the other die a bad death.......soooo sad
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Thank you Mary, for your response. I'm sure leaving a relationship is never easy but I commend you for making your happiness a priority. I have long neglected my own and am hopefully on the path to recovering it regardless of what decision I come to. I guess what has made it so difficult for me is my fiance has so many great personal qualities. Not to say he's never been belingerent when he drinks but he is such a wonderful person in so many ways. Which is why it's even harder to watch him destroy his health and it's been very hard to give up that hope that he will want to get sober. Thank you for sharing your experience with me!
Hi Athena and welcome to MIP. I am so glad you found us and please know you are not alone. I would strongly suggest you find face to face Al-Anon and attend. While our MIP family is strongly supportive and compassionate, I found I need the face to face support of my Al-Anon sponsors. I have two ladies that are sponsoring me. After being with an active alcoholic for 12 years, your thinking and behaviors have become adapted to your alcoholic. More than likely some of your behaviors are enabling your alcoholic without you realizing it. Al-Anon can help you learn a different way to live.
Also, Al-Anon suggests you not make any major changes in your life for about six months. That's because your thinking is not clear at this point. It's become distorted because of alcoholism. You are not going to be able to help your alcoholic, you can't save him. You are powerless where he is concerned. Alcoholism is a destructive and progressive disease. Give your alcoholic to God and let God take care of him. Focus on taking care of you. Al-Anon can supply you with the tools with which to do this.
You asked if you were insane for having hope for your alcoholic Absolutely not. Never give up hope. But please don't base your happiness on that hope. I have been married to my ah for almost 40 years. He has been an alcoholic for the passed 14/15 years. He is still an active drinker. I have boundaries in place and he knows my boundaries. I use my Al-Anon tools daily. It is possible to live with active alcoholism and find happiness. But please know that what is right for one person may not be right for someone else. I think as Al-Anoners, we each have to find our own way with the guidance of our HP.
Please take care of you and take one day at a time.
The program of Al-Anon works when you work it.
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Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold O-on P-pain E-ends
Thank you Linda! It's encouraging to know that striking that balance is possible. There are days when hope is the only thing that keeps me going. Not just hope for him but hope for myself. And there are days when I feel utterly hopeless and bleak. I've got alot to overcome. I am so glad I found this program!
It's great you found an online meeting to attend and got something out of it. There lots of recovery to be found on this board too from people sharing feelings from all over the world. The common thread is living or having lived with an alcoholic.
Life is definitely different living with someone who still drinks while you work this program. I think even when you work a program and don't enable the drinker, it's still in your home and are always aware of it. It's a negative energy that just hangs in the air. It's just how it is... I'm not promoting leaving someone who is actively drinking. I guess what I'm saying is that person has to be up for the journey with someone who is not sober.
I am not up for it. I know this about myself. There is enough insanity out in the world already without welcoming more of it into my home. I have the benefit of having lived without active alcoholism and drug use in my home. Once I had a taste of serenity, I knew I would never live without it again. I live with an alcoholic now who is in AA. I knew this on the first day we met because he proudly announced it to me in order to see my response. There's emotional sobriety in our home because he gets to meetings. There's sanity in our home because I get to my own Alanon meetings separate from his. Our problems are typical and resolvable with our programs tools and lots of open communication. No one in our immediate families are in recovery so they don't get us and don't spend much time with us because we won't party with them.
One absolute is the relationship each of us has with our higher powers. This is solid and I think would be unchanging whether you choose to stay with someone who is still drinking or not. This for me is what step 3 is about... waking up each morning and ask for my higher power to lead me. If you're unsure whether to stay or go or how you will heal, keep coming to Alanon. If you keep your higher power close, the answer will come. Your recovery will evolve in a positive way if you keeping working the steps whether you continue living with him or venture out on your own. We don't advise people to either stay or go. This is your life and although we may say we are living with the disease of alcoholism... these are other human being who we love. We just are not especially fond of their illness. If you're just trying on the Alanon progam, you can see how it fits for you and if you want to keep coming back. In time and experience in Alanon you may realize what feels right for you and if the degree to which you are healing while living with him is enough for you. Thank you for sharing and being here. ((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
