New to Al-Anon - Al-Anon Family Group

robinfl · Member

New to Al-Anon

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

robinfl wrote:

I'm a little confused at how to draw boundaries. He won't even admit he has a problem. I'm also seeing psychologist and learning not to his twisting things personally (on break for holidays, psychologist is out of town).
Baby steps, sigh.
Thanks.

Hi Robin, glad you reached out......boundaries are INternal and they are for us.......example......"if you swear at me again, i will leave the room and not speak w/you till you talk w/me with respect" you have set an internal boundary in that you won't tolerate being sworn at....you tell the offender this is not acceptable to you and "this is what I will do if you repeat this" and that is what a boundary is.....knowing what you will accept...not accept and what will you do to stand to your boundaries...boundaries are serious...don't "share what you will do" unless you are SURE you will stand to it, otherwise your word will mean nothing....

i set a boundary w/ husband #2....i told him this life (his drinking) was no longer acceptable...i told him "AA within 30 days or you go" i made the decision.....i told him about it....what will happen if he does not go to recovery....when he refused...i kicked him out....

that is illustration of boundaries...as we learn about ourselves through alanon, we learn what will will tolerate, what we will not, however just our knowing isn't enough so we tell the other what we set as a boundary and what we will do if boundary is not respected...

i was at work and this guy used to grab the women in the ass......he went for me, but i jumped out of the way and i very calmly told him that if he grabbed my ass, i would knock him out...............he looked at me and i walked away, about 2 weeks later he grabbed me and i turned around and punched him as hard as i could in the solar plexus and i walked off and reported him to owner.............i set the boundary........i told him what would happen if he grabbed me and he called my bluff.......so i decked him..........he got fired and that was that................

so boundaries are worthless unless you back up what you say.............boundaries are internal, about us, for us, to take care of us and our needs to feel that our space is "free of unwanted behaviour".......

I am very glad u r attending meets....this program is awesome....

robinfl · Member

Thank you for the boundaries clarification. Love they you decked him. Kudos!

I finally realized he does not want to change. He wants to keep doing what he is doing and for me to shut up and take it-- this is huge revelation for me. I'm out of denial.

He spends all his time figuring out how to manipulate me to make me go back into denial instead of working on the problem. Deflecting, waiting for me to "lose it" so he can point out I have anger issues. It is almost comical not that I see what he is doing. He has no idea that I see it--he just tries new ways to twist it-- out of habit.

Right now I don't even care if he drinks. I want boundaries like if he doesn't do these things no more sex:

Put my name on the bank account
Take password off your computer
Have you phone bill come to the house instead of where ever it goes
No more porn
No more out of state trips (he's taken four two-week trips in the last 6 months "to visit family")

I'll probably wait to after holidays for kids.

Thanks again.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

robinfl wrote:

Put my name on the bank account
Take password off your computer
Have you phone bill come to the house instead of where ever it goes
No more porn
No more out of state trips (he's taken four two-week trips in the last 6 months "to visit family")
I'll probably wait to after holidays for kids.Thanks again.

Dear Robin......#4 is a real scary one for me.....porn is an addiction as well, perhaps with him....my BFF /recovery mate just dumped her husband of 29 years last year or 2013, i forget but anyway, it was PORN....he would NOT give it up....then he snuck b/c she was onto him.....its a dirty, sick thing and it wreaks of sexual perversion and NO respect for ones own body/soul/mind or the same of his partner....its a kind of cheating.....my BFF is so much better not worrying about him masterbating watching that crap.......so so sorry you have this on top of the drinking.....and , sadly, porn isn't b/c of the booze....porn is b/c he wants to watch devient sex......booze does not make a guy turn to porn....and porn leads to a lot of other evn more unhealthy crap.........i can't tell you what to do, but w/out alanon, you will not be able to deal with this and who wants to with the porno on top of it????? i know holidays are tough, and whose kids??? yours or his??? either way, my heart goes out to any young ones in this....this is soo unhealthy for them

my BFF's daughter came home from college and she caught her dad masterbating to pornography.....that did it for my BFF....she kicked him out......poor daughter was devastated and traumatized seeing her DAD behave like that..

take care of you.....hitch up w/alanon and discover the you that is just itching to break out and live a real life.....you came here bc you wanted help...that is a good sign....you sound spunky and strong...another good sign.....you can do this.....it takes desire, commitment and perseverence but you CAN get your life back..........sending you hugs of support.....

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