The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It was time to take daughter to her dads yesterday, and once again I arranged with A to come and drive with me as I thought (erroneously) that I was not ready to do the big drive by myself and needed help. No, I didn't particularly want to see him if that's how it sounds, I just still feel very fearful of driving in busy traffic alone, and, he offered. It was foolish to accept, it is time to have confidence in myself and close that chapter of my life properly. But its done now and it was a learning experience, just not quite the way I had envisioned.
Anyway to cut a long story short he was at first "impressed" by my confidence (I have been feeling very good about driving) then threw a tantrum and started screaming at me, got out of the car and walked, got back in the car and kept screaming....all because I said I couldn't afford to buy him cigarettes and wine... lol...and then he decided I had made a terrible mistake (it was extremely minor, I veered a little into the next lane when I pulled out onto the road, it was a non-event) and he threw a deranged tantrum screaming that I had 'almost killed us" and he was 'afraid" (his performance was so ridiculous and transparent I was giggling to myself which was making him even angrier) and eventually I was so busy ignoring him and congratulating myself on not being rattled by his insane screaming and abuse that I ran a red light which is probably the first serious mistake I have made and THAT was quite upsetting. I don't think I need to think too hard about what the lesson there is. He is not a help to me, he is a serious danger and am lucky there was no-one else on the road at the time; moreover if I was photographed could have my license suspended for 3 months and if that happens I will have to just own it because I was foolish to deliberately put myself in that position; it's not like it's the first time he has seen me getting confident driving and reacted by screaming and yelling until I lost my nerve completely; in fact last time was 2.5 years ago when I first wanted to learn to drive and he screamed so much I got out of the car in the middle of the road and refused to drive again for almost 2 years because I let him destroy my confidence. So it's time I stop having convenient amnesia when it comes to my own safety and wellbeing; that will be the last time A (or anyone volatile like him) will be allowed in my car. End of story.
Just as was the case in our relationship, I harm myself by thinking I need him when in fact I am much less alone without him. With him screaming in my ear I couldn't hear my own internal voice guiding me which, I think, sums up the last almost 9 years of my life really.
Anyway lesson learnt.
I had also told my mother that I was going to visit their beach house after new year as they have invited daughter and I assumed, me as well....and received back a list of reasons not to come...your car won't make it this far, it's only really good for driving close to your home and making little trips....the roads are too dangerous...there are kangaroos...blah blah blah.
I received this message only a few minutes ago. I don't think I'll bother trying to understand why, I don't care really. 2 peas in a pod those 2, A and my mother, only a few weeks ago she was taunting me about why I wouldn't drive to my grandmothers by myself (it's a comparable distance). If I am afraid to do something, taunt me and tell me it's pathetic. If I am not afraid to do it....tell me its dangerous and I should be afraid. Lalalala I can't hear you!
Anyway enough about that. Enough letting them rent space in my head. It's not like they ever change, I just keep participating one way or another. Shame on me.
The awesome news this week is that finally (and I had to begin legal proceedings to finally make it happen) the landlord released my security deposit in full and I should be able to rent a place without so much trouble! I have been looking, daughter and I have decided on a town on the bayside of our area, it's cheap but still absolutely lovely, the school bus runs from there, it has a zillion cafes and bars (for work) and the views of the bay are mind-blowing, so on Tuesday I am going to inspect a bunch of houses and start making applications. And drop a bunch of resumes in and generally get the ball rolling. I am SO relieved to have the deposit refunded and everything finalised, FINALLY I can close the book on that awful chapter of my life and hopefully move on to a great new era.
So I feel lighter; things have shifted this week and I feel a lot more positive and pleased with how I have been handling the bad stuff too. Yay for better times and finally some good news! Also I found my favorite earings which had been missing for months. I'm taking it as a sign of better things
(((everyone)))
-- Edited by missmeliss on Sunday 21st of December 2014 01:09:10 AM
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I think your awarenss is good, may e you need to get deep and work out why you felt the need for a hit of his drama. Its back in the insanity, the doung the same things over and over expecting different results. I totally understand, i know this pattern so well, it was and can be my pattern to. Its a symptom. Theres a safety in being a victim. Entering into scenarios guaranteed to make you feel like a victim can be a way of getting ourselves a nice good excuse as to why we dont make changes we are too scared to make. How easy it then becomes to say well no wonder i am the way i am look how such and such treat me. Its a pattern you could choose easily for the rest of your life. Or you could choose sobriety. You could be getting drunk on the drama, deflecting away from yourself and the real workable issues within you. I know this well, it was and can be me. Its time to end the pity party pal unless your enjoying it too much.x
The home hunting prospects for next week sound wonderful, I'm excited!
And Wow! You comment about the screaming from the passenger seat, and other places, for the past nine years blocking out your inner voice blew me away. That just sums up the angst and frustration I feel and it is such a release to hear someone else say it. It now takes me three days to get over an angry match. So much time wasted. Yes, I struggle to listen to myself when I am still vibrating from all of that background drama. Peace be with you dear friend. Thank you so much for that gift.
Mel, I've seen lots of good news with you all along. It was good news when you got your drivers license, good news when you found the place you are at now,....It's all been a process of growth which has had it's ups and downs but the overall process has been cool to watch and it's been GOOD. I'm only saying this to challenge your view that you seem to think you are getting crapped on with bad luck a lot the time. I am happy for you about the rental, but overall, I can see a lot of good things going on for you because you are not self-sabotaging like you did and you have some boundaries and a program to work that is guiding you. I was a little concerned you were going to make your current situation so miserable in your head that you would go back to the A. It sounds like that's a pattern you revert to when you are scared to grow. You even stated it yourself above. I'm really happy about all of your growth. Stay grateful and try not to down yourself and your situation as long as you are trying and just doing the next right thing. It's at those moments that the destructive behaviors start and you stop moving forward and allowing your HP to work for you. I'm cheering you on and see an overall trend with you that is just awesome.
