How do I let go? - Al-Anon Family Group

Dreamer83 · Newbie

How do I let go?

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP. One of the first things I want to say to you is that you are not the cause of any of your husband's issues, illnesses or diseases. I'm also glad to see that you know you cannot save him, cure him or control him. He can seek help for all of those issues and get it.

My x was also a drug addict on top of being an alcoholic. I couldn't live with the drugs either. I separated from him and then I divorced him.

One of the things we suggest for all newcomers is to attend Al-Anon meetings for yourself in your area. If you can't get away, we also have on-line meetings twice a day here. If you keep an open mind, you will find help and hope for yourself in the program. I'd also like to suggest Nar-Anon for you where you can talk with others whose loved ones do drugs. Keep coming back here, too. You're not alone.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Dreamer You are not alone and by reaching out , you have successfully connected with a group of people who understand as few others can. We too have attempted to cope with the disease of alcoholism on our own and discovered that we need support from others who have walked in our shoes. Breaking the isolation caused by attempting to hide the disease from others is extremely important in our own recovery from the disease.

I'm sure you're aware that alcoholism is a chronic, progressive, fatal disease that can be arrested and never cured. The disease not only infects the person that consumes alcohol but also the entire family who interacts with the insanity. Living with the disease of alcoholism we develop negative coping tools, in order to survive. These tools may work for a time in the grown-up environment but then they stop working.

AA is a recovery program for the alcoholic and Al-Anon is a recovery program for members of the family who have lived with or live with the disease. The hotline number is listed in the white pages and face-to-face meetings are held in most communities. I urge you to reach out and attend. It is here that I reclaimed my self-esteem and self-worth and learned constructive tools to live by.

At meetings it was stressed that we are there to grow and learn how to live life. The focus must be on ourselves, our thoughts and actions. We can and should honor the anonymity of the alcoholic. You need not worry that you are exposing your husband's secret to the world. We also have a Tradition that states what is said at the meeting stays at a meeting and that gossip is discouraged and not supported.

Living one day at a time, focused on myself and my well-being, so that I could care for my child, trusting a God of my understanding and learning to act in my own best interest and not react helped me to rebuild the sane and happy life.

We have online meetings here as well so I urge you to reach out for support as there is help and hope.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with Grateful and hotrod......please find some face to face meetings b/c the only one you can save is yourself....you cannot help him.....he threw him under the bus,...not you.....you didn't cause this...you will never control it, and for sure you will never cure him....

hes a stone addict/alcoholc,...the worst of the worst....he cheated once, and he will, most likely again.....he will seek out a female who does not know his dark disease b/c addicts constantly need those "strokes" the "coddling" folks who will "go along w/them---not rock their boat"

well, the only hope of saving him is to DROP him like hot rock....embrace alanon and save yourself.....thank goodness i see in your post you are aware of this and your child needs protection from this OR we will be seeing her/him in the recovery rooms b/c dad was such a bad drunk/user, the kid is impacted and needing help.....really this impacts the entire family, but the buck can stop w/you.......i welcome you here, i am glad u reached out and i am so glad your child has a mom who wants to protect the child......

there is absolutely nothng you can do w/an active addict, but jump ship if you can and start anew....OR, if you can't leave for some reason, then alanon will show you how to take care of you...detach from him and his problems in your head...separate finances, separate everything.....IF he falls hard enough with the law or his health MAYBE he will get help???? don't count on it b/c many of them don't.....what you CAN count on is alanon and its supporting community., the love and support and validation we get from our fellows is life saving......as you grow in program, going to meets you will learn about the steps, slogans, literature, i know it sounds like a lot, but we go day to day, one day at a time.....you reached out...you TOLD someone, and that is a good first step........................glad you are here

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Dreamer...Welcome to MIP and as soon as you can The Al-Anon Family Groups. If you scroll back in time on this board you will find that your story is very usual for a spouse that has been affected by the compulsive, addictive drinking and using of alcohol and other mind and mood altering chemicals. I know what you are saying an thinking and feeling because I also said and thought and felt the same way. My wife was alcoholic and addict an I was just as powerless and affected as you are. The disease is incurable and most often even if the alcohol has been arrested by total abstinence may other mental, emotional and physical and spiritual problems arise. When he disease starts and continues to run on into progression the person stops growing in all areas. Since like Grateful mentioned you didn't cause this, cannot control it and will never be able to cure it there is no guilt or shame required on your part. Are you abandoning him? I hardly think so cause for me I learned in Al-Anon that the fatal nature of the disease of addiction can also take the life of the non-drinker victim. I've seen it more often than I care to think and also was so close to that when I first found the doors of Al-Anon. The hotline number is in the white pages of your local telephone book...please call and find out where and when we get together in your area and keep coming back here to your new MIP family. (((((hugs))))) smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I am so sad you are in this position. It's a very, very difficult thing to love and live with an A.

There are no excuses as to why he does what he does. He has a terrible disease, he is an addict that it what makes him use.

We can do nothing for them, they have to figure it all out for themselves.

What the truth is, is for us to allow them to fall on their own. They need to feel so bad that they will do anything to stop.

What we like to share is, put money back for you. Look at your options. Do you have a plan? Sounds like you have a loving family. Believe me they will not think less of you, they want you and little one to be safe.

All you have to say is he has the terrible disease of addiction and has to figure it out for himself.

He will die, go to jail, get dui's etc if you are there or not. I got that call honey. He died in my arms a week later. He had moved to a friends. I had two babies and just chose not to put up with it anymore. I adored him loved him so much. But I had to for the kids.

If you leave, you will let go over time. It does hurt. But much less than what you go through now.

It helps to make a plan or two how you may want to do this. Plus we are here for you.

Hugs and glad you found us.

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi and welcome to MIP- you're in the right place and I'm glad you've found us. You've received great replies and there is little to add. I can relate to your story and used to feel the way you're feeling. Living with someone with alcoholism becomes much too much for us to handle on our own. Keep coming back for the emotional support and learning skill sets that improve the situation. I have found that the most efficient way to work the program is working the steps with a sponsor along with the lifeline of support here at MIP.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I tried for 15 years to save my husband, but I hit the point where I realized I was not the captain of the titanic and only he and God could save him, so I boarded a life raft with my children and saved us instead. I felt guilty for a time, but after awhile got over it. Why was this grown man my burden to carry and upset myself and my children with for the rest of my life. I was miserable and could barely breath or function on all cylinders. Al-anon meetings, my sponsor and working through the steps saved my sanity! The book " Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews and "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie helped me to realize many things about myself and my marriage which helped lift some of my layers of denial. It takes time to learn the al-anon tools, but it sounds like you are on your way! I am glad you found us here at MIP and keep coming back. Sending you love and support on your journey!

cloudyskies · ~*Service Worker*~

HI Dreamer and welcome to MIP. You have found a bunch of intensely compassionate friends who know your pain. Bless your heart. I am so sorry you are going through this. You asked how do you let go. You do it one minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time. Everyone has given you good advice about Al-Anon. Please if at all possible, try to attend some face to face meetings. I don't know where I would be had not my HP led me to Al-Anon. Al-Anon has given me tools with which to live with alcoholism.

In addition to the books BF has recommended, I would also like to recommend The Language of Letting Go also by Melody Beattie, and The Courage to Change. I think the tool you most need to understand right now is detachment with love. This is a very important tool in my Al-Anon tool box, as I am still living with active alcoholism.

You are not alone in your pain. please keep coming back.

Take care of you and let God take care of your husband.

((Dreamer))

Lucers73 · Member

Hi Dreamer
I was sort of in the same boat. My husband is a drinker that hides & lies all the time. I'm not sure he knows what the truth is.
I set myself a point where I had had enough. I was on anti-depressants, was getting more ill & so I decided if he called me a name I won't repeat on here again I was leaving. He did it and it took all my courage to put my things in the car & go, but it was the right thing. I almost went back so many times, but I told him he needed help before I could.... He's been in hospital many times now with pancreatic issues & told he must stop or he will die & he still refuses to get help.
You must follow through with your threats. I hoped he would see what he was losing & try to dry up, but although it didn't work for me it has for many others. Your husband needs help but whilst he thinks you love him & forgive him anything it's like they see that as a crutch. My husband did all sorts & I forgave him.... It didn't do my self esteem any favours either.
Please look after yourself & your child??
Big hugs xxxx

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi and welcome to the board. I moved out in March because I knew I couldn't save my AH. Only he could. If he wanted to. I took my children and left. My children are what gave me the strength to move on. I didn't want them living in chaos. I couldn't handle it any more either. I hit my rock bottom! I did it with the help of Al Anon, my sponsor, my HP and my friends and family. You are not alone. You can do this. It's ok to let him work through his problems. You didn't cause them.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.