The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Don't know if it helps the situation any with my relationship with my wife, but it may help me some day.
Most of my actions and thoughts center around gaining someones approval. I have found that I have a compulsive need to please everyone (everyone else anyway). That has to be why I have so much resentment toward this disease. So a bunch of this is my fault. duh...
I expect my a to tell me what she wants so I can give it to her. She tells me stuff, I do it and she is disappointed anyway. If you look hard enough you can find issues with anything.
The rules change so often that I don't know what to do. When I try letting her fight with herself (detach) or focus on our son, she crys all night saying I just don't love her anymore. She doesn't understand when I say that I love her very much, it's the illness that I have issues with. She tells me "If I want to be an adult and have a few drinks to make me feel better, I'm going to do that."
I see people here talking about how their A isolates themselves and you "detach" from that behavior. My a expects activity, trips and constant movement. When we run out of money to support that she falls off this cliff into "you don't love me enough do what it takes to make me happy".
How can I treat my problem without trying to treat hers. Worse than that, she refuses to admit she even has one. They are connected... we both suffer the effects of alcoholism, I just don't drink.
I'm sorry, this probably doesn't even make sense. I don't feel like I'm on a roller coaster, I feel like I am on a mine shaft elevator and someone has cut the cord.
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
How can I treat my problem without trying to treat hers. Worse than that, she refuses to admit she even has one. They are connected... we both suffer the effects of alcoholism, I just don't drink. I'm sorry, this probably doesn't even make sense. I don't feel like I'm on a roller coaster, I feel like I am on a mine shaft elevator and someone has cut the cord.
This makes total sense to me! We are all affected by this disease whether or not we drink just by being around it. You can never love another enough to make them happy. Happiness in my opinion comes from within. No one can give that to me...I have to get this myself. When you get busy with your own recovery you and your family will see the results because your behavior and attitude will change. I should be so lucky to have a partner who would maintain a lifestyle for me that he cannot afford to make me happy! That is a distraction...traveling or whatever it is she wants from you. It gives her something to look forward to and focus on so she doesn't have to face reality. The you don't love me and it is not good enough are just excuses they (A's) use to take your focus off the REAL problem. Ask yourself this??? If the drinking makes her feel better than why is she still so unhappy?
You cannot control her or her drinking or her happiness. All you can control is your attitude and your behavior. Put what you need first. Take care of yourself and let her be responsible for her own happiness and sobriety.
Oh boy can I relate!! I'm always jumping through hoops to make everyone happy. When they say they want or "need" something I do everything I can and then some, but then it usually doesn't make them happy and I'm still blamed!
I know what the ride your on feels like! I hope soon your ride can smooth out!
I posted about reacting to my A. They seem to talk so illogically logically. The way they connect the dots makes sense to them and us. And then they go change it. They call it the black or white thinking. My dad use to say choose the right tool for the job. My A gets unhappy but instead of changing himself he changes jobs or like this latest thing changes geographic locations. He has done that before. I fall for it every time because the disease is insidious and cunning. We as the Alanoners have to work our program to make ourselves stronger for the next round. And you are right. What an opportunity to get to know ourselves better.
That is a distraction...traveling or whatever it is she wants from you. It gives her something to look forward to and focus on so she doesn't have to face reality. The you don't love me and it is not good enough are just excuses they (A's) use to take your focus off the REAL problem. Ask yourself this??? If the drinking makes her feel better than why is she still so unhappy?