The material presented
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I would just like to introduce myself. My name is Nick, I am 27 years old. I am the son of a functioning alchoholic, and the mother of my children is an alchoholic as well. I have just recently found out about Al-Anon, and I plan on attending my first meeting tomorrow night. I think this can really be a useful tool to me and my children. I feel like I need to get a lot off my chest, I don't feel like I can move on in life until I am able to confide in someone who understands, and has gone brought some of the same experiences as me. Sometimes my own thoughts eat me alive. I have tried talking with people that just don't understand. I really need someone to confide in. If anyone out there feels like listening or talking, let me know. God knows I need it thanks to everyone and I hope this is the beginning of an unbelievable journey.
I'm glad you are going to an Al Anon meeting. The isolation and self-induced shame of living with alcoholism is very hard to bear, and Al Anon will expose you to people who may be very different, but will still have amazingly similar stories to your own. Feel free to share more of your story here on this forum, there are many people who can impart wisdom.
I'm in much the same situation as you. I'm married, have 4 kids (15,11,8,2), and my wife is a very active alcoholic. It's definitely a difficult situation to be in and wouldn't wish it upon anyone. There are tools here that will be very beneficial to you, at least they are to me. You will find more support here than you will know what to do with :) Some of the stories I've read here have been really eye opening. Hopefully you read other people's stories as well as posting here.
I have found there aren't many husbands on this site, at least not that I've run across. Please, feel free to PM me if you'd like to vent, talk, or whatever you need.
Welcome Nick, I'm glad that you reached out and connected. You are not alone and after living with the disease of alcoholism , we all require a program of recovery. Al-Anon is that program and I am so pleased that you are planning on attending face-to-face meeting.
Breaking the isolation, and( sharing the secrets) caused by living with the disease of alcoholism is an extremely important tool in recovering from the insanity of the disease.
In Al-Anon, we believe that alcoholism is a progressive, chronic, incurable disease that can be arrested and never cured. We didn't cause the diseas, cannot control it, and cannot cure it. The best we can do is learn new tools to live by so as we can have a successful life. Connecting with others who are sharing the journey is an important step.
We have online meetings here as well and here is the schedule. Please keep coming back
Morning Meetings
Mon. - Fri. at 9am EST
Sat. - Sun at 10am EST
Each Sunday morning at 10 am EST, we will be having a Spiritual meeting with a topic relating to the Spiritual part of our program.
Good for you nick, youve taken the first step In your own recovery. You will find meetings to be a place where you will get support and learn to think differently and that will make changes that your whole family will benefit from.
Aloha Nick and welcome to the board also. You have come to the right place and will be attending that place; Al-Anon Family Groups which is also where I got my sanity and life back ....really. Alcoholism is a mind and mood and fatal disease and that doesn't apply only to the one that drinks. The family and it's members suffered just as bad without he anesthesia of alcohol to block out the reality and pain. It does affect your children no doubt. My qualifiers were also my family and then I married addicts and then alcoholic addicts. I was doing what was "normal" for having come out of a family entrenched in this disease. My children were/are also affected and currently my eldest son, 49 years of age has relapsed split from his family (all of it excepting his enabling mother) and run off with a childhood high school girl friend. He is drinking and using again. Al-Anon is a different room and way of life. It is about the how to live in and with sanity life and how to do that with so much mutual support that I have now a more caring and unconditionally loving family than ever. MIP...this cyber place is awesome and I encourage you to keep coming back here as I encourage you to do that in the face to face groups where you are at. When and where I got into Al-Anon, in a tri-valley area there were 439 meetings a month of both Al-Anon and AA...that is indication on how huge the disease was there. I was told to o 90 meetings in 90 days and I was able t do that and a few more. I got recovery miracles and a life I never thought I could or would have.
The manufacturers and distributors and sales outlets are not going stop or cut back on booze anytime soon I don't think so and I've been around for a while. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Wednesday 17th of December 2014 12:07:41 PM
I would just like to introduce myself. My name is Nick, I am 27 years old. I am the son of a functioning alchoholic, and the mother of my children is an alchoholic as well. I have just recently found out about Al-Anon, and I plan on attending my first meeting tomorrow night. I think this can really be a useful tool to me and my children. I feel like I need to get a lot off my chest, I don't feel like I can move on in life until I am able to confide in someone who understands, and has gone brought some of the same experiences as me. Sometimes my own thoughts eat me alive. I have tried talking with people that just don't understand. I really need someone to confide in. If anyone out there feels like listening or talking, let me know. God knows I need it thanks to everyone and I hope this is the beginning of an unbelievable journey.
.nick.
Hey Nick...Welcome....soo soo glad you reached out to alanon for help......i grew up w/alcholism myself and i married it TWICE.....i left TWICE, lol b/c i realized that being married to active alkies who refuse program or get in b/c of a court action then quit, is not going to work for me anymore......
now I work on me, learned about me, focus on me and life is much more peaceful......so glad u r attenting meet tomorrow, hope you like it soo much you want to go ea. night and you maybe can find a sponsor there.....thats how its starts.....u start fellowshipping w/ healthy, non drinkers and you say 'WOW, so this is how the sane world is" and once you start you don't want to stop b/c being in dysfunctional relationships is not really what we all want.......
whether or not she gets help, you will and that is your most important goal....YOU , so YOU can be there for your kids, who will grow up with alcoholic or its aftermath issues and THEY will be in alanon getting help......
we are here...we are listening...post/write all you want here b/c we are here...and we are listening....alanon as with any other 12 step program is anonymous so what you say on the board here is confidential and what we hear here, stays here ok?????
so welcome to MIP and alanon...alanon is gonna teach you how to be free from focusing on her and the disease and focus on you and life!!! if she doesn't get help, she will get steadily worse...her mind and body will begin to go.....so i am truly glad you reached out to alanon and are on your first steps towards getting the help you need to live a good life for you and those kids.........
IN SUPPORT
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Kenny: at times I feel it is easier to talk with someone who does not know her personally, for fear that what I say may alter their perception of her. I suppose that this is a problem we have all experienced, trying to protect our significant others.
Frustrationsshigh: in my short time browsing the forums, I have also concluded that there doesn't seem to be a lot of husbands here. I will definitely be PMing you.
A few things that have been weighing heavily on me.
1). We raise a daughter whom I am not the biological father of. At the time of conception, she told me the child had been conceived from an affair. I had no trouble buying this story as she has been unfaithful in the past. It was not easy in the beginning, seeing her give birth to someone else's child, but I stayed. I was not very close to her the first few months of her life, admittedly I had a little resentment. We have developed a strong, close knit relationship . Recently her mother has told me that it was not an affair that led to her birth, she told me that she was raped. I have mixed feelings as to what really happened, and I know if she hadn't been drinking,the situation could have been avoided. However I do have a beautiful daughter resulting from all of this.
2). A few weeks ago I came home early and found my youngest, (2) home alone. Her mom had left to walk to a nearby store to steal beer. I later found out that this was not the first time. I had a talk with my eldest daughter (6) and found out that she had left hem both alone one other time that I know of. I am currently in the process of moving into my own place so that I can provide a "safe place" for the girls and I. Honestly, I am feeling a little traumatized over the incident. I can't imagine how the girls feel. The eldest now gets very upset if she cannot find mom, even when she is in the next room. Since she has been drinking, she has not worked, often stealing her alchohol. When I am at work I worry... A lot. Is it normal to feel ashamed that this has happened to me? I certainly feel ashamed. I realize her actions are out of my control, still can't help feeling like I should have known, or intervened earlier to prevent these things fr happening. I just know that this is not who she really is, this is who the sauce makes her into. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
These things have just recently happened. She was sober for around 6 months, and now that she has started again, it has escalated to a new level.
Ok, so I have been working on that last post this morning between work, and just realized there have been some more recent replies. I just wanted to give everyone a big THANK YOU. It really means a lot to know there are others going through the same thing as me. Thank you!
Hi Nick, I am going to encourage you to find a meeting close to your home. Keep trying them until you fine one with a few men you can connect with. I have a home meeting where about 40% of the 40 people who attend are men on a regular basis. I understand the shame you feel, but please realize that nothing an addict/alcoholic does is being done TO us, it's just what they do and who they are. Sometimes they hide it so well that we get snookered later on down the road. My AH was dry for 15 years and wasn't a drinker when I married him. I just thought we were dealing with untreated mental illness. When he picked up the bottle a few years ago, all heck broke loose, and the truth was revealed. I had to pull my head out of the sand and face reality. I had married an alcoholic and I used the Al Anon program to help me figure out why, figure out how to live again, and to figure out how to find peace and serenity.
So many of us have been where you are and some of us are still living with active addiction (like myself). Lots of support and hugs to you today!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Is it normal to feel ashamed that this has happened to me? I certainly feel ashamed. I realize her actions are out of my control, still can't help feeling like I should have known, or intervened earlier to prevent these things fr happening. I just know that this is not who she really is, this is who the sauce makes her into. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
These things have just recently happened. She was sober for around 6 months, and now that she has started again, it has escalated to a new level.
as to feeling shame??? for one who has been impacted by alcholism, yea, it is normal to feel shame b/c we think we "should have seen it" "could have done something" and those should haves could haves is what makes us feel shame when in reality we are and were powerless over another's actions.....it worries me that she had affairs....that is a character thing, not anything to do w/drinking....that is something she would most likely have done anyway, the alcohol just removes inhibitions .....i had a bio sire who was a sex predator....drinking he was less careful, sober he still was a sex predator, only more secretive/careful.....i have seen many alcoholics who DONT cheat or abuse their spouses/kids.....that is b/c that behaviour is not in them to begin with.....so she steals beer??? I am so glad u decided to surrender up to alanon and its help.....you are gonna need it, and to practice detachment, letting her to her own devices, let her get arrested, sick, whatever, if she falls hard enough, MAYBE she will get help??? don't know
glad u r focusing on the children safety....leaving them alone w/this woman is not safe....my little 4 year old sister DIED b/c mom/dad dearest chose partying over her horrible cold that turned into pneumonia.....oh yea, i am serious...I would never ever leave a child with an active alcoholic.....her leaving to steal beer, the house could have caught fire...and a 6 year old is NOT capable of self preservation...thank goodness nothing happened to those kids, i am so so glad they have you to protect them....you are a young guy, but you show a lot of wisdom and maturity for your years......it is imperative that those kids have a safe place to be in while you work......and i am glad you are aware and doing that
this is so sad...i feel for you and the kids.....their only chance at a healthy, healthy life is you......I am SO glad you reached out here.....you have our ears and our support........IN SUPPORT
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Nick the replies will keep coming as we continue to "associate' our own experiences with yours. The consequence of that is our experiences will validate what you think and see and feel bringing you to understand that this life with an alcoholic spouse is certainly screwed and then still normal for now, until changes are made by you. Remember stuff that you read from our experiences which are new such as Alcoholism is cunning powerful and baffling; also that it is not curable...it can only be arrested by total abstinence which only creates "some" change in the alcoholic and family. Being alcohol free is her decision and choice not ever yours. You didn't CAUSE this, you cannot CONTROL it and you will never be able to CURE it. That is a 3Cee mindset which helps us to change attitudes, feelings and behaviors.
There is so much more to learn. Your experience mirrors my own in parts with most parts being feelings, thoughts and actions. I'm glad that not all experiences have happened cause it is hard enough to survive as it is huh?
Just a note...if there are no Alateen (yes recovery for the adolescents in the affected family) they your eldest daughter can attend Al-Anon with you and participate. She can also get the benefit of our literature and e-site AFG.org.
My wife went to rehab, was sober for awhile, but relapsed. Got two DUIs in < a year. Her second DUI I was on a business trip in Canada, she went to pick up my son and a friend from school drunk. Cops pulled her over in the parking lot of our private Christian school. If the cop would have gotten to her after she had put her car back into drive she would have ben slapped with child endangerment in addition to DUI.
I too had had enough. In my last call to her before she picked up my son it was obvious to me that she was drunk, I thought someone else would be picking him up though. I determined that when I got home I would be looking for a new place to move me and my son into. Then I got the news of the DUI from the school principal. I stuck around, she got stuck in jail for 10 days w/o bond, she then went to 2nd rehab and got serious. She's been sober over a year since.
You should NOT feel ashamed. Shame is one of the emotions that keeps us under the alchol's thumb, especially for guys. Have you been in denial about some of this? I was in denial for a couple of years about my wife's drinking. Everyone has that problem. But we can't control their drinking, can't cure it, and we DIDN'T CAUSE IT. We want to always believe what we think it the best about ourl loved ones, and it isn't until something really bad happens that we take the blinders off and fifure that something's gotta change. I congratulate you for doing that. There are many people that never get to that point, and live enabling loved ones all their lives.
Alcohol is progressive. it will keep escalating. It may get to a point where it seems to stabilize, but it will never get better.
NEP I just wanted to add that you are not alone and your ability to detach and take the next right action for your small children is impressive and an important program tool .
I also believe that your complete acceptance of your older child is admirable. She is a beautiful child of God and deserving of all the love and respect you can give. If she was conceived as her Mom has indicated I believe Mom should seek counseling to resolve her pain.
Alanon tools helped me deal with my chronic anxiety and fear. I learned to Live One day at a time, focused on the positive actions I could take, make a gratitude and asset list of myself, and not to react but to act in my own best interest . I also let go of shame and blame two very destructive negative tools that only hurt me and are a direct result of living with the disease of alcoholism. Each time they surfaced I replaced them with the serenity prayer or another positive thought. Eventually they lifted.
Thanks to all for the replies. Some have answered questions before I even got a chance to ask! I would like to take my daughter with me to a meeting sometime. Even though she is young, she is very mature, an I believe she would benefit as well. Not to mention strengthening out bond together.
A lot of posts here, with a lot if info to take in, so I apologize if my responses are scattered, or not directed towards anyone in particular.
The infidelity began long before her drinking. I do not believe addiction creates characteristics that don't already exist. In our late teens early twenties we were smoking a lot of pot together. I can remember thinking that she exhibited a few addictive traits when it came to that, but nothing she ever did has came close to the negative actions fueled by alchohol. The drinking began after the smoking stopped.
Just a week ago, she left inpatient treatment early, completing five days of a thirty day program. This has been her second trip to inpatient in a year. She has spent a handful of nights in jail (no charges), spent a week in a psych ward... I feel do bad for her I just think she deserves to be happy, even after everything that's happened between us. Since her departure she has had one drink a few days ago.
Hi Nick, my kids go to Alateen they are 13 and 17....they have some younger kids, about 10- 11 years. I know I started my youngest with a therapist because he just didn't understand and he started to look for hidden booze and thought if we just threw it all away that would solve everything. He liked Alateen because its with other kids and they all had similar problems.
I wish you the best and if your Al-Anon group has a beginner meeting that would be a great start. I got a lot out of beginner group for the first 6 months and learned a lot. Jill
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You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. (Dr. Suess)
Hi NEP and welcome to MIP. You have found wonderful bunch of people here who know your pain. Alcoholism is a progressive disease that affects everyone it touches, not just the alcoholic. I'm glad you are going to Al-Anon meetings. This recovery program will help you learn a new way to live.
God bless you in your journey, and please keep coming back here.
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Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold O-on P-pain E-ends
I just wanted to welcome you to MIP and let you know I'm glad you're here together with the other husbands of wives with this disease and the rest of us, too. Keep coming back. The disease affects us all and we all have a lot of common as we walk this difficult road together. It is good, too, that husbands and fathers join our fellowship because your perspective is necessary together with us gals. It helps other men see they are not alone when men like you and Kenny, Pinkchip, Jerry and Frustrated are here and sharing. Thank you for doing that.
