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My ABF stopped drinking 4 years ago but his behaviors which have continued to be there seem to be getting much worse mostly with me. For many years before he quit I had boundaries with the way he speaks to me which was usually only when he had been drinking. Now he seems to be speaking to me that way quiet often now that he isn't drinking and it is usually him blaming me for something like how he feels or when I don't talk with him as much as he thinks I should. He will tell me what bothers him tell me he doesn't want to argue about things anymore that he just wants me to know so that I can do the right thing or do what I need to do. I also am seeing him remembering only negative things about situations very often. He really doesn't have any positive things to say. I've heard about the dry drunk is this it? It really seems not normal to me. He is actually worse than he's ever been. He is seeing a therapist that also specializes in alcoholism and addiction but this doesn't seem to be helping. I continue to try to take care of me and let him do what he needs to do but this is getting very hard. We have 2 young children and my 20yr old son. My 20yr old knows these things aren't normal but my younger kids don't know this. I am not financially able to make him leave right now and I feel so stuck. He's not a bad person and he has made some changes and I am aware of that but I feel it's getting too much to deal with on top of all of the other things in life. I am getting really upset and have yet to say anything since the last time I tried to tell him how I feel and he told me to stop throwing a temper tantrum (I was not I was telling him my feelings) and I needed to hold it together. I've been holding it together for 12 years!! I'm tired and sad. Any words of wisdom are welcome here.
Thanks for taking the time to read.
Holly
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You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice.
Unless he will work a recovery program consisting of AA meetings and sponsorship, this is how he will continue to behave; eventually it will worsen. Also, the likelihood of drinking is greatly increased without recovery. It is like living with a time bomb. You cannot change him, you do not cause any of this and you cannot control it. I worked my recovery program when I finally surrendered that nothing I could do or say would change my husbands behavior (or anyone elses). I attended al anon meetings and got a sponsor. This is a disease that destroys a family and T\the impact it has on children is heartbreaking. They don't have choices, we do. Keep coming back here for continued support, as this disease is also isolating. We know what your are experiencing and can offer our ESH (experience, strength and hope).
I'm sorry this is happening. I'm afraid his behavior is like alcoholism in that there is no way to change it and no way to persuade him that he needs to change it. And it does sound as if it is getting worse, and my experience is like PP's - that drinking again is a time bomb waiting to go off, without a program to help him stay sober. He has the signs of a "dry drunk," but it's also true that many people have this kind of destructive, abusive behavior without ever being alcoholics. When alcoholics stop drinking, often we see who they were before the drink took hold of them - and that person is not necessarily likable or healthy.
I understand that you are not financially independent and that it is hard to see options in the current circumstances. One excellent option is Al-Anon meetings and recovery. It can also give you courage and tools to think about your options. In the next twelve years you can gather your powers and resources so that if you want to, you can leave - or so that if you stay with him, you do so because you want to and it's good for you, not because you are trapped. That kind of freedom helps greatly in our serenity.
Take good care of yourself and your little ones. Hugs.
It has only been 14 months since my husband stopped drinking but I can relate to what you are saying, especially the negativity. I find that all of that negative talk wears me down and saps my zest for life. When I spend time with people who are glad to be alive I feel restored - their positivity rubs off and sustains me. You must be exhausted! Can you spend more time with other people and less with your partner?
I'm rather sad to read from others that this is not behaviour that we can change, but of course they are right! I believe that the A has to be the one to choose how they want to live. For those of us who love them that throws up some difficult choices. I still live with my husband. I don't spend much time with him though. When he moans about his health I ask him if he wants to go to the doctor - that normally quietens things down. If he complains about me then I consider what he has said and if he is talking tosh then I tell him that his reality is very different from mine and if xyz is actually true then perhaps he would like to leave? AH is complaining about me a lot less these days.
For my part, I find my own enjoyment in life as much as I can. I don't always succeed but when the gremlins get a hold of me I do know that I have the tools to break free. I have just signed up for a free writing course and that is helping my self esteem. I am painting again and that takes my mind off AH's rants as well. Sticking plasters I know, and at some point it is important to think about how we want to live out the rest of our lives, but as I rebuild my strength and resources I do find that I get pleasure from these things.
Thank you for taking the time to reply I know I can't change him I also know I can't cure him and I didn't cause it, but after a while I start to question what he says and if it's true I second guess myself after I have figured out these are his issues. My changing myself for him (not that I will ever do so) will never make him better nor will it make him feel better. Milkwood I like what you say about the reality, that you tell him his is very different from yours that is the truth. I truly believe my ABF believes these things he says. I hope I can remember to use that with him the next time he starts in. When I've had enough I usually just tell him if he's so miserable he should leave, he never does. I need to find time to find a meeting I like and get the support I need to figure out how to move into the future I'm tired of living in his past and this present is not healthy. I am very grateful for your input and sharing your experience that alone makes me feel better.
Holly
__________________
You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice.
My AH is not in AA. He claims he hasn't drank since April...but how do I really know? He still has behaviors I can't tolerate. So, unless the A is really showing an effort to change...ie: 90 meetings in 90 days...being sincere about their desire to keep family together, being humble and kind....being responsible ..then in my opinion...the A is just a dry drunk. Like mine is.
Also, I can relate to telling the A to leave, and they don't. My AH would leave for few weeks here and there, but always came back and our relationship never changed. So...I left with my kids. I couldn't take it anymore. In my opinion, you are lucky you aren't married. No legal issues like a married couple has.
Holly Drunk or Sober, we are powerless over people, places or things. Alanon helped me to change what I needed to change in order to be able to validate myself in a negative interaction, and accept others as they were without taking their behavior personally.
I too became confused when others want to take my inventory and wanted me to change without looking at themselves. Alanon taught me to accept others where they are, respond to their behavior, not react , and the look at my motives, and my part in every situation. When I do this I can then learn the lessons and move on.
Meetings, Steps, slogans will all help you to live and let live.
Getting into the program, Al-Anon, was great...working the program was greater and staying in and continuing to make it a part of my life is the best thing I have ever done. Stopping drinking doesn't cause sobriety...working the AA program makes that available and every AA member I know, knows that if they don't work the program all they are is dry and miserable rather than just wet and miserable. Dry and miserable is worse they think because they don't have the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality thus they go thru I wide awake and insane. Notice the last word of the 2nd step and what it says that the Higher Power we latch on to brings us to sanity not sobriety.
He might be or might not be dry drunking and then our focus is supposed to be on us alone. I know that is difficult however this program works...when we work it and for me working it means my vision is on my feet and where I am standing not anyone else. This is an easy program for complicated people I was told when I first got here and that was and is true. Still working it is a 24/7 endeavor. Keep coming back. In support. ((((hugs))))
