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This is the first time i've been on this forum. My 41 year old son has tried to commit suicide and i don't know what to do. I'm so scared of saying or doing the wrong thing. He's been sober for the last 2 years, but hasn't really changed anything else in his life, he's just stopped drinking, but his behaviour is the same. He went to AA but stopped going. He has financial problems, and health problems and he started self medicating with codeine linctus, which he has become addicted to. He went to the doctor and he has been put on a low dose of methadone. The last time i saw him he was really abusive - verbally and as usual blaming me for everything that has gone wrong in his life. I'd gone to see him as his bank account had been frozen, and he had asked me to help. I told him i would pay enough so he wouldn't become homeless, but that i didn't think giving him any more than that was actually helping him, this is when he turned on me. He gave me the money back and told me to get out, which i did telling him that i would not come back. Later that night he emailed me and gave me an explanation for his behaviour - the addiction to pain killers, and asked if i would still lend him the money otherwise he would be evicted, so i went back and gave it to him. It was that night he tried to kill himself by taking an overdose of anti depressants, he said he realised he didn't want to die so called an ambulance. Part of me feels angry that this is yet another attempt to manipulate me, then i think it may be a genuine cry for help and if i ignore it he will really kill himself. I have learnt to step back over the years, but this has reignited all the old feelings of guilt, and responsibility for him, i can't bear it. What should i do? I don't know how to help him. I can't go to Al anon as i live on a small island and there is no group here.
Welcome to Miracles inProgress. I'm happy you found us, because attending AlAnon meetings is going to help you. We have many parents of addicted children of all ages here.
At the top of the home page, you will see a link to online meetings held here. Please join us.
EdwinaGrace I feel your pain. My 21 year old son hasn't tried suicide but has told me several times he just wished he was dead. As a parent you do what you can, which sadly isn't much. Once your child reaches 18 our parental rights are gone, the courts or the medical field will not allow us to make decisions for our adult children, even if it's for their own good.
As a parent all you can do is offer support, just make sure that support doesn't become enabling. More than likely your son manages to come up with money for pills but doesn't pay his bills, so you paying his rent only enables the cycle to continue. The hardest thing for me to admit is allowing my son to sink or swim on his own may result in his death, that's a hard sell for a parent. You always want to save your child, but you really need to focus on what your actions are really doing...helping may just be hindering.
Your son will love you and then hate you in a second, he will thank you and then blame you for all his problems, he is an addict, rational thought is gone, his brain is now wired by greed for drugs. You need to shield yourself from the guilt and blame, AlAnon teaches detachment and self preservation, tools we need to be healthy in our own lives. There is no instant fix, I struggle daily with doubt and guilt, and that's why I attend meetings. When you sit with a group of people who have shared the same pain and struggles, and everyone freely shares their own experiences, it helps you learn coping skills and more importantly helps you maintain those skills minute to minute and day to day.
Since there is no AlAnon meetings on your island maybe you could talk with a therapist or even a clergy person. If nothing else post your thoughts and feelings here, someone will always reach out and offer support.
Welcome to Miracles inProgress. I'm happy you found us, because attending AlAnon meetings is going to help you. We have many parents of addicted children of all ages here. At the top of the home page, you will see a link to online meetings held here. Please join us.
I 2nd what Jill says...we have GREAT online meets here...i go b/c alanon meets in my area are as rare as the white buffalo...
re: your son...I have a brother who threatened suicide, said he doesn't want to live, etc., hes an alcoolic and getting worse...whatever the drug of choice a lot of them hate themselves at times and they get depressed and this is what we get
there is NOTHING you can do to save him, but you can save your own sanity by joining us in alanon and learning how to take care of you....the fact your son is not in AA or NA is not a good sign...he won't be able to stay clean/sober w/out the support, fellowship of the AA or NA program....Not gonna happen....
I had to come to terms that i did not cause my brother and other very very beloved people in my life to drink and use (i have a niece who is drug addict) i did not cause their problems....i will never control them....and i am for SURE totally, 100% UNABLE to cure them..
so what do ya do??? you lovingly let them go, you tell them you love them, but you can ride the merry go round w/them anymore, that they have to work this out themselves.....noone can prevent one who is really serious about suicide and to tell you the truth?? most of them DONT TELL...they just do it....some use that to frighten us into submission to their demands...my X used to do that.....when i told him "recovery for BOTH of us or you are GONE" he told me he would kill himself if i dumped/abandoned him......I told him that i loved him dearly, but his death by his own hand, by his own choice would never be my responsibility and he was not gonna use that against me .....he packed up and left...he is still very much alive and still drinking w/'his new wife.....i wish him the best, but the best thing i could have done was to detach
with a child it is harder b/c they are your kid, but my two girls, as much as i love them, would shoot dead anyone who threatened their lives, i would not, WILL not be held hostage by their lack of program and problems....daughter #2 has anger issues (her dad was an alcoholic and still is not in program, stlll drinking) so she passively aggressivly takes her anger out on me.....I detached from her...put limits on how close i let her get to me b/c she knows how to slam my heart....i put enough distance where she can't push my buttons anymore....I am here, and she knows i love her, but if she wants a real relationship w/me, she will have to put me there with healthy, respecting my boundaries behaviour.....
meantime?? i let her know i love her but i am not her higher power and this anger/aggression of hers is HERS to work out, work through via alanon or aca or coda and not mine...i made my amends for my mistakes in raising up them, and my niece whom i had custody of since she was 14....i love them all, but i am not their saviour or their rescuer...i made my amends to them for my mistakes...i don't bail them out if they spend their money on stupid things and fail to pay their bills...daughter #1 is a joy...she is in alanon....she works a good program and our relationship is beautiful.....niece/daughter, the eldist, is in NA an i am praying she stays but holding no high hopes.....their relapse rate is huge....only about 15-20 % of them stay clean or sober....the ones who make it are in program working it strong
we are totally powerless over our children...once grown, we are even more powerless....all we can do is love them, send them good energy prayers, let them know they are loved, but they have to work this out themselves....if we keep bailing them out, they will never see that they are messed up and needing aa/na programs....letting them hit bottom is our only hope that they get the message and get themselves into program
i am so sorry for you, i know how u feel...its terrible being powerless, but really, accepting my powerlessness has freed me from sleepless nights, crying and raging at my crappy situation, acceptance that "i CANT do this" has helped my ptsd and anxiety big time....
i don't want my brother to kill himself...he knows that....however, if that is his choice, i have to be prepared b/c if he really wants to, he will....nothing i or his good friends can do to prevent it.....sooo sad......
the fact your boy called for help, tells me he really does not want to die, but get your sympathy and a scared mama is gonna be easy to manipulate....who knows?? noone really knows what goes through their heads, but i know I cannot change another...i cannot save another if he really wants out.....i can only save me and only if i work my program-----alanon
sending you hugs of SUPPORT
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Thankyou for your reply. Whilst i wouldn't want anyone to go through what i have had to, it's comforting to talk with people who know what it's like - truly. Part of the whole thing is how over the years my self esteem etc has been eroded away, which makes me feel apart from other people, like there's this invisible barrier. I watch people being so normal and chatting with each other and wonder how do they do that!! I know what i have to do, my head does, but i have trouble completely detaching myself from him. I don't know how to do it without making him feel i am abandoning him, this is always what stops me from completely closing the door. He has a way of turning everything back on me so that i feel i am going mad and that its me who has the problem not him, he tells me this all the time, it's taken a while to work through this with a counsellor, but he can still push the buttons and 'slam' my heart like Neshema2 said - that's exactly how it feels SLAM! I think it would be different for me if he wasn't my child, but i don't know this for sure,
His behaviour seems to go in cycles - he's in another low at the moment - it seems like he can't go any lower, then picks himself up and starts to rebuild things, has a year or so of stability then knocks everything down again that he has built up in a few weeks, when he is in trouble he always turns to me to help him get out of whatever it is at the time. After he spent some time in prison for assault i told him it was a fresh start for him and i stopped doing it, and for a while it worked, but now we have slipped back into that way again, first by lending him a bit here or there which he would pay back. This most recent crisis is identical to others that have happened down the years apart from the suicide attempt. I can't bear the thought of him being homeless, i know it's an unavoidable pain we have to go through but i'm hoping that with support i can do it.
The other thing that has stopped me is thinking that he may have a mental health problem - he was showing signs since the age of 14 when i tried to get him help by taking him to a psychiatrist - he refused to go and see him the 2nd time and the psychiatrist said i couldn't force him to go so that was that.. even when he doesn't drink he has anger and anxiety issues. I've gone back through practically every day he was growing up to try and figure out where i went wrong. Like cooper said, the mood swings are incredible, how he goes from hating me to saying he loves me in the space of 24 hours, my head still spinning for days.
What is the best Al - Anon book to start with, i would like to try and do the 12 steps. Thankyou again for taking the time to reply.
-- Edited by EdwinaGrace on Saturday 13th of December 2014 04:12:11 PM
Oh Edwina, I am so sorry that you are suffering like this. You say that you went back over his childhood looking for the one thing that would have fixed your son. If he has a mental problem, then he was probably born with it and you could have done nothing to stop it developing. I have two friends with schitzophrenic sons- the disease manifested for both in their late teens when they began drinking and using marijuana. They too anguish over how they could have changed things so this would not have happened but that is futile. Sons grow into men who make poor choices at times. And sadly ,we being moms, take on the burden along with them.
I know how hard it is to say no when they plead. I know that with my own son so well. But I have learned that giving in and helping out almost gives them permission to continue as they have been doing. We are not going to be around for ever- they need to learn to stand on their own feet and fight their demons without leaning on mom.
As for your son, well he didn't follow through with it. Maybe that was his first step to dealing with his addictions. Maybe not. But you have to, for both your sakes, step aside and let him find his way. Al Anon has taught me that we have to detach and that it can be done.
Hello. I can understand the ambivalence. It's similar to when they were little and they took off to parts unknown on their hot wheels or little bikes. We ran through the neighborhood screaming their name and enlisting the aid of anybody we could think of to help at the time. Then, we spied them, ran to them, hugged them thrilled that they were okay and they'd act surprised that we were so scared! They were only going to see that new puppy a few blocks over. Yes, they knew they weren't to leave the yard "But, Mom! It was a puppy!!" Why were we so upset?
Your adult child is older and the stakes are higher though the risks are the same. Something can really hurt him or kill him and he will do what he's going to do because after all, he's "A man now, Mom, and I've got problems!" Fortunately, he also knows where to go to get help and has a HP who goes with him wherever he goes, too.
I agree that Al-Anon will be a big help to you and if on-line meetings are all you can make, they will still be a big help to you. You can't run interference for your son or stop him from using. He will do what he will do. You can get help for yourself because this journey is painful and we don't have to walk it alone.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 13th of December 2014 05:10:05 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 13th of December 2014 05:11:20 PM
I hear your pain and am sending you hugs. I too have a child whom is struggling with addictions and I have spent many a sleepless night and anxiety filled days lately. Detachment is very hard but I am discovering it to be necessary for my survival and that of my other family members. Some days are better then others. I recently read a book titled . Don't let your kids kill you. I found it to be very insightful although it is not an alanon book it is good none the less. Our instinct is to protect our children from harm and it is very very painful when we cannot. I too have gone back through each day of her childhood wondering did I miss something was she traumatized in some way that I am unaware but have came up with no answers. I have talked, begged pleaded, gotten angry and everything else I could think of and yet nothing has changed it has gotten worse. Right now I am just waiting for the bottom to fall out of everything and trying to distance myself a bit. I still tell her frequently how much I love her and worry about her and have given her all the information she needs to get help and that is all I can do sadly for her. For myself I am trying to find sanity by reading, reading, and more reading info on addiction and attending online meetings and practicing self care. Her wellness invades my thoughts all day long and I am simply trying to turn her over to her higher power because I am beginning to slowly accept that I do not have the power. I am sorry to know you are going through this too but you are not alone and I know that thought helps me a bit.
Thankyou - all of your comments have helped me - i will be seeing him soon, and feel stronger to face what i have to do. Thankyou. I have ordered 2 books as well , the al - anon one day at a time.
