Is it my problem or his? - Al-Anon Family Group

Jordan · Newbie

Is it my problem or his?

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Jordan wrote:
But when he does drink, he always takes it to the point of blacking out. But, he feels that since he was reduced the frequency of his drinking that he's better and doesn't need to improve anymore. Sometimes though, I wonder if I am part of the problem. So i wonder if my hatred of alcohol leads me to judge my husband unfairly. As if maybe since I am so anti-alcohol, that I will never be able to see any level of drinking as healthy. I love my husband, and on the days he's sober, he really is my best friend. i just wish he could cap this off for me and for our son. I don't want the cycle to continue.
Thank you for reading this.

Dear Jordan, so glad to see you here...welcome.....i have exerpts of your post here to help you ok??? blacking out tells me he has a huge problem, not you, but HIM....to have to drink till U black out is alcoholism...alcoholics don't necessarily drink each day OR have the same approach , they can mix it up so to speak, but when one has to drink to the point of blacking out, that is alcoholism....and rationalizing it by saying that "hes better and doesn't need to improve anymore since he as reduced the frequency" that is a alcoholic cop out......and , sadly, if he doesn't get help, he will get worse...guaranteed....his mind and body will slowly die......your hatred of alcohol is understandable, i am not crazy about it either...yea, i have a beer or two every now and again, but i HATE alcohol abuse or ANY substance abuse......can't stand to be around people who are plastered or buzzed so bad, they are stupid and acting a fool........don't let him lay the blame and responsibility on you.....that is another form of shifting blame from him to you......are there any face to face alanon meets near you???? it would be great if you could asap start attending so you can learn how to take care of you, quit worrying about him, leave him to his consequences and trust me...arguing, begging, reasoning, you can't do it with an alcoholic....the best approach is for you to get into alanon, learn how to take care of yourself and let him suffer the consequences of his actions......i am sorry you are gonna have a rough road ahead if he does not get help, he will progressivly get worse AND even if he DOES get help, he will have to stay in AA stay away from the alcohol for the rest of his life....his system craves it and that craving will never leave him.... 1 drink is too much---1000 drinks are not enough as evidenced by his blacking out........i do hope you give alanon a chance to help you help yourself......whether or not he gets help, you have been impacted by this disease that is NOT curable only managed by abstinence and AA thorough working of it.....alanon is for us...the ones who are not alcoholics but were impacted by another's drinking..........its good to see you reach out.....i hope you can get into some meets and if there are non near you , we have online ones here and they are very very good....................sending you bunches of support...

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Jordan

Welcome to MIP - you will find that there is so much wonderful help here!

If you have been dealing with alcoholism in others all of your life then I imagine that you know first hand how damaging it can be to the person who drinks and also to the people who have to live around it. It wears us out and, in my case, made me think that I was loosing my mind. Alanon is an organisation that helps people whose loved ones suffer from the harmful effect of alcohol and I get a sense from your message that you will find it very helpful - I recommend finding out if there are meetings in your area, it will give you a chance to hear first hand the experiences of others and to feel the love, understanding and acceptance of others who understand your situation so well. So much of our focus is on the alcoholics in our lives we sometimes forget to look after ourselves - I know that was how it turned out for me anyway.

A word that jumped out at me from your post was 'belligerent'. I don't think that it is helpful to any relationship to be belligerent and, IMHO, it is not something that you should have to put up with. The other thing that jumped out at me was the fact that you recognise that you have your own issues to resolve, I admire that self awareness and it is a great place to be. It is not your fault that someone else drinks. And if they choose to do so it is not about you. It is not a problem that we can solve and I know for my husband he did not see alcohol as a problem at all - it was his solution. I was the one that had a problem with it!

The more I tried to make my husband see the damage that he was causing the more his heels dug into the ground. I used to love his stubborn streak, I guess it helped me to feel valued because I knew that he would normally consider my needs and feelings. But one of the effects of alcoholism in my marriage is that 'normal' got lost and it led to very selfish and destructive behaviour. I did not feel even remotely valued! I learnt that I could not influence whether or not my husband drank or chose to be rude to me but one day I did realised that I did not have to have hurtful behaviour in my life and that, for me, was the beginning of my recovery. It has been tough, and counter-intuitive, I had to risk my marriage but the alternative was that I risked my self respect and I was not able to do that any longer (and probably should not have been putting myself second in the first place!). I am slowly learning to love and care for myself and to show others (including my husband) where my boundaries are. If someone is rude to me I leave the room. If my feelings are hurt I say so, and then nurture myself with something that I like and enjoy.

I am so sorry that you are going through this turmoil but there are ways of living and loving the life that you live regardless of whether or not others choose to drink. Welcome to MIP, I hope you stick around. We are all learning together.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to Miracles in Progress. I urge you to search out alanon face to face meetings and attend. We who live with the disease of alcoholism understand as few others can. This disease affects all who come in contact with it and the alanon program offers support to those who live with it, as we break the isolation ,and develop new constructive tools to live by
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Keep coming back You are not alone

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Howdy Jordan.

Alcoholism that takes years to curb even slightly is still alcoholism. It takes all his effort to contain it and then when he drinks it's a horrible binge. It's alcoholism. Plain and simple. Bare with me....Not making a direct comparison here because alcoholism and domestic violence do not always go hand and hand, but what if you said the same thing regarding someone's hitting you? Like..."He hits me so much less now...I shouldn't complain. When he's not hitting me he's my best friend." I ONLY say this because the sneaky way that alcoholism affects the spouse is similar to battered wives/husbands syndrome (though I recognize crucial differences in the level of danger/abuse). Some of the same hostage taking, crazy making, infliction of self-doubt (Did I cause this? Maybe it's me?) is there in both cases. So basically, you would probably say that someone who EVER hits you has a problem with them. Someone who EVER drinks to passing out also has a problem with them.

As for what is your problem? It can only be with how you cope with or deal with the disease not the fact that he has it. I would also not be feeling so great that he "cut down" on such a destructive and traumatizing behavior as poisoning himself with alcohol to the point of passing out. I think that you probably have an accurate view of alcoholism in most ways, but have been so affected by multiple alcoholics in your life that try and tell you they are doing good, better....that it's normal...THIS is what has cause problems with YOU and that is how and why alanon can and will help you.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP Jordan. The hard truth is he will continue to get worse, without recovery, as he is killing himself. You will also continue to get worse without recovery. You cannot do anything for him, but you can do something for you. We are here to support your recovery path 24/7. Al anon meetings/sponsorship are essential for your recovery. Don't waste another minute trying to get him to cut down, quit, etc, it is a complete waste of your time and gives you a false sense of control. Even when he is not drinking, he is under the influence of the alcohol, it is like having a brain soaked and swimming in the poison. Blessings to both of you.....

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP .. I just want to say that my problem with his drinking was my problem .. his problem with drinking was his. I can only address my issues not his.

I hope you keep coming back it will get better .. I can testify to that knowing what I know now. Not everyone leaves the situation .. I did choose to do so because a 4th party was involved the 3 party was the booze the 4th was another woman .. not my gig.

Those are my choices and everyone is different. That's what is so great about this program. His drinking is about him .. my reactions to it are mine and here is where I learned to respond.

I do recommend the book Getting Them Sober Vol 1 .. wonderful series and packed full of information .. it's a simple read that I have gone back to more than once.

Hugs S :)

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.