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Since my AH has started doing the bills and inspecting the checking account with a fine tooth comb, he's come down on me hard and on my spending. I tried to point out that he's had access to all the accounts all this time but instead blamed me just because I was in charge. Now, what really ticks me off is that he laid into me in front of our son. He claims he never gets any time alone with me so he has to do it in front of our son. UGH! Oh, and I finally confronted him about paying the bills via checks instead of paying online like I've had it set up for years and that didn't go over well. I just couldn't take it any more.
He was talking about taking out a home equity line of credit to pay off my car at a lower interest rate and I was like, "NO WAY. I took on the loan knowing exactly what I was getting myself into." I had originally told him that I'd take the car and the debt with me or that I'd pay it off when we sell the house. It's like he doesn't hear me. And, when I remind him that I told him something before he just says, "I'm sure you did, but I need you to tell me again."
We are seriously hurting financially and won't have any savings left in a few months, that is, if he gets his way and pays off my car. We have a decent amount of equity in the house but the house will have to sell first. We also have a decent amount put away for retirement. I am meeting with my friend about my part time job prospect thing and I really need to get on the resume writing too. Looks like I'll have to get back to work sooner than I thought because I won't have any savings to fall back on.
My lawyer hasn't gotten back to me after I sent her an email on Monday so I will be trying her again next week. I'm getting impatient!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
What bugs me is that he is going off on me about my spending when I could very well throw all kinds of stuff at him. Like the $100 Walmart visa cards he preloads so that he can drink and hide it. Or just the DUI itself that cost us $15000 when all was said and done.
Well, what's done is done and I've been irresponsible, too. I'm working on canceling unnecessary things like the pool service and the gym so hopefully that will appease him until this all shakes out. I'm just stressed out and tired and so done with the 'discussions' with him. I know he's getting coaching from someone, most likely his friend who just got divorced whose ex-wife is taking him for every penny he's got.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I'm trying, Betty, really I am but I felt so ATTACKED and even my son's mouth was hanging open at one point waiting to see how I would defend myself. After being accosted my words to him were, "I understand" and I prayed that he would just leave the room. He did, after throwing some other side comment out the side of his mouth.
This, all this crap, coming from the man who, just 6 months ago, said to me, "$400? What's the difference, $400, $4000, whatever, it's just money." And, who also was so blasé about money where he told me, "Hey, you can't take it with you right?"
Now, all of a sudden his job is on the line and our savings is drying up and he's freaking out. I'm going to do my best to help right the ship but that's more about my own accountability and working my program than it is about making it right to him. I honestly feel like I owe him nothing at this point and I'm tired of being the guilty party here when he's just as guilty as I am since he wasn't involved and chose to be invisible.
I'm just plain old MAD tonight and it takes a lot to get me this way. Thank goodness he's hiding in the other room and I have a meeting tonight. Might have to pick up a meeting in the AM, too, LOL.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Andromeda: Please know that I'm saying this as gently and as softly as I can: Blaming and defending - no matter who is doing it - gets us absolutely nowhere. Right now, you are both seeing the reality of your finances (which to me sound pretty darn good) and to me each of you are counting yourselves out over something that isn't even here yet - the depletion of your savings and the loss of his job - maybe. He is a sick human being who is reacting to fear and insecurities from what I read here. You seem to be reacting to judgment within yourself that I don't even see is warranted. If any of what I'm saying seems true to you, do you think an assets and gratitude list might be helpful for you? As far as dressing you down in front of your son - he's- no, the disease - has been chipping away at you and your son and him for as long as I've been reading your posts. You can't fight it. You can't fix it. You can't flee it. But, you can do the assets and gratitude list, validate the way you have handled the finances up until now, meditate if you choose and maybe help to ease the tension for you and for your son in whatever way your HP guides you to do?
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 12th of December 2014 09:12:33 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 12th of December 2014 09:13:35 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 12th of December 2014 09:15:48 PM
Umm .. can we say DEFLECTION much? Why are you taking this on .. it's ok to say you might be right and not take this personally.
I guess my question is what do YOU want to do and girlfriend YOU watch that money because as soon as you file I about bet it will disappear .. that's what I have seen with so many upper middle class women so make sure you take what is rightfully YOURS first. I'm saying this as someone who's ex is into them 20k.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Oh, believe me, I'm watching the money. I'm already fighting him on the fact that I don't want to pay off my car right now. If he pays it off, then I have a 17K car while his is worth 7K and I can see that being a bartering chip: My car is worth 10K less than yours so therefore you don't get the extra 10K from the house sale or whatever.
And, yes, I was taking things personally because I've been angry at myself for being careless with the finances. Have I done some things right? YES. Have I done some things wrong? Absolutely.
And for what it's worth, I did pretty good and didn't defend myself and I didn't answer the questions that I knew were meant to bait me and I did say the "you might be right", as well. I was just mad that he put me on the spot in front of our son and that he exposed our financial situation to our kid once again, ugh.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
As my wise friend once said, "At least he has never given you cause to regret your decision to leave." It sounds as if you're A is doing what A's do - being thoughtless and/or passive-aggressive - and this is exactly why you're taking the steps you're taking. They just dig themselves in deeper. So frustrating to see them do it! But it sounds as if your son knows what's what. And I bet he knows very well that your A is full of hot air. Kids are hard to fool. And you are modelling such wise behavior in the face of the provocation. Hang in there!
Thanks Mattie! I am better this AM....not so angry anyway, LOL. Rain is clearing and we will have a sunny weekend!
I am working on seeing things from his point of view and I'm trying to just keep my mouth shut which is probably the best policy. He did send me an email and apologize to me in a weird way but he also admitted that I probably felt attacked. Really? Ya think? Funny how the apology comes in an email but the attack has to happen in front of our son in person?
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
