I'm kinda lost, too, Bud, along with Grateful but yea, if waiting is not necessary, i agree...NO I WONT WAIT, not this time...I waited all my life on god, on others and where did it get me???  MAD is what it did...Now i serve myself whats within my reach, let go the out of reach stuff and I take care of my own life...yea, some stuff i have to wait...looking for replacement client, i know universe has to create the need in a person for me, etc., but the stuff i don't have to wait on??? I have waited enough in this life....I'm not talking about instant gratification, although it feels good at times, like a candy bar loaded w/sugar i am not compatible with,  but yea, i took my life back in my own hands and whatever part of the universal power that is within me....I do my best and then try and listen to my inner higher power's voice or prompts.........as to taking care of you?? I support you 1000%......alanon is vehicle through which i arrived at the conclusion...the right conclusion that its time I take care of ME...put my needs first and what i got left??? share and be glad to do it, but I am not back burnering me anymore for anyone.........that part of your post, I got and I feel the same way..........take care

Sure, and thanks for letting me vent. I don't know what label to give him- this was part of my conversation with my boyfriend. He announces yesterday that he's feeling awkward, needs space, wants to press the reset button on our relationship back to dating, that since his daughter had a psychotic break for the past 3 months I haven't been supportive, asked me to stay away from his place because my presence there creates too much anxiety for him. He spoke with his sis and friends who told him that I'm non-committal and he wants to review what he wants in life.

I responded that when he told me he needed to spend 80% of his time with his exwife and daughter- I thought he meant through the crisis. Weeks passed with him having dinner as a family unit with them nightly. When I let him know I would like to resume having dinner with him, he let me know this wasn't possible. I knew this was very limiting and chose to enjoy limited time at his place studying during the day. That's all I was doing- I brought my own lunch, sat there and studied. He had invited me over- I had no idea that it would cause anxiety. It was the only thing he was offering and now that I did what he wanted regarding his needing to be with the exwife and daughter 80% of the time and me only 20% of the time, and my not getting my needs met, he is saying I'm unsupportive and non-committal!!!??? Did he tell his sister and friends that part? The part where he was with his exwife 80% of the time for several weeks and I didn't even make his priority list?

The daughter's therapist told him to stop his having dinner, and it seems that the therapist also suggested returning to a shared custody schedule. I had also told him that it is very cruel to return to the exwife's house like this if he had no intention of an attempt to reunite with the exwife. He made it sound like I'm not understanding. (I backed off, but didn't sever the relationship. I'm having difficulty. I'm not sure what is holding me.)

I told him that it was really unusual timing that he now wants space now that my Mom is dying, after accommodating his needs without getting mine met for weeks and no change in sight, and now that he has plans with his family for the next two weeks. I said that he never gave me a chance. He had at one point asked me to join him spending time at the exwife's - he said she would be coming home from work and fixing dinner anyway.... I did not go. This was too weird. He already has a family unit and there's no room for a relationship with me. (and I said that) I told him he could have whatever space he wanted it ---but to accommodate his request, I want my things from his place and to return his keys, and if we were to date, I'm not meeting him anywhere- he could come pick me up and drop me off. I had other boundaries, but he didn't want to hear them.

He started changing his tune and now says he made a horrible mistake in using the wrong words, that he didn't understand why I was constantly backing away. (Is anybody home?!) He didn't mean to say "I need space."

So, what did he mean? Well, he wants to think about it. In the mean time he wants me to not think about anything. But, my mind is racing and it's not fair to me at all to ask me to wait for him to stop having anxiety. Behold my future??? Would this happen every time Christmas approaches???

I told him that while he's thinking he needs to return my stuff and take his keys. He had previously offered to drive me to my parents tomorrow. I could use the help. However, I'd like to do this myself, given the circumstances. I thanked him and said that this is not comfortable for me- crisis can bring people closer, but he doesn't handle crisis this way. It's another missed opportunity (the first one being his daughter). Now he is angry because I don't want his help. This is when he said we can wait and discuss this next week. I don't think so. I'm not waiting one moment more. I don't like how he's handled things and I don't like how he has been treating me. He called back and wants to spend the 5 hour trip discussing ways for us to regroup. I don't think this is how I want to spend my time in the car tomorrow.

Not everyone gets to share this part of my journey- I can be selective. I am not desperate. I don't want to lean on him and create a deeper bond if he needs to think... this is my Mom and her last days and I can't worry about him. He chose to be with his exwife and child and I feel like the other woman. It is entirely unreasonable for me to spend weeks with him over at his exwife's house- if that is what he meant by needing me to be with him supporting him when his daughter became extremely ill.

By the way, now that I've been removed from the equation and the child had mom and dad pretty much back under the same roof, functioning as a family unit- now she says she's all better and all is well. She's got her dad and mom together for her entire Christmas break, too! My bf spoke to the counselor this week to take her off of her psychotic medications because the event was a one-time "fluke". I asked him if his daughter has learned all the necessary coping skills should it happen again. He's convinced it won't because his daughter told him that she just got overwhelmed with schoolwork.

All or nothing. If feels like ultimatum after ultimatum and when doing it his way doesn't work, it's apparently my fault. What is holding me (even a little)??? I don't want so many losses at once, but I can't keep this one like this.

I hear you Grateful and of course not. I'm going to have to find the strength to deal with this as my Mom dies. He's not going to get any more pleasant than this. I guess I've been avoiding the inevitable. I'm so tired.

 

 

Thanks for the memories Bud...I remember laying it all down and walking away from it.  It of course was all the insanity I had enslaved my to which took more time in my days than I had awake.  I laid it down and walked away from it mind, body, spirit and emotions.  I came to realized that holding on to it was "my part in it" and that she didn't want to participate in the same part and so I walked away.  It took time to get my head and heart and feet and spirit going in the same direction and it was time well spent.  Yesterday's page in C2C was about this. HP don't want this for you and neither does the program and MIP...might as well join us supporting Bud.   ((((hugs))))  

You don't even have to get angry about walking away...it, anger,  isn't required.

It does sound very unsettling Bud. I agree ,you need peace and support at this difficult time. Please keep coming here and sharing You are not alone.

When my mother was dying I had such a clear image of where I wanted to be and what I wanted to be doing. It was important for me to be with my family and my AH struggled to cope with that. He was not able to be supportive and found it difficult to deal with my sadness and the fact that my focus and attention was elsewhere. Not impressive really!

Take care of you and do what feels right for you. It is a tough time and we are here to support you.

thank you El-cee, yes, the daughter is highly manipulative- she's under the impression that she's smarter than everyone else and knows what's good for them. Teenagers- oy! We were together a while and all of his time was with me, the first bump was the daughter meltdown, and his best resolution for providing consistency for his daughter was to not have her migrate between the two parents. I thought ok for a week or two, but the daughter kept calling and texting her Dad every hour even in school saying she needed him and wanted to go to the ER for psych evaluation.... so 2 weeks turned into 3, and so on. After the daughter started antipsychotic meds and had some time to take affect, it was now several weeks. But every bump in the road, every "bad" grade, she calls him crying and doesn't know how to cope... so, he runs over (to where she is, at the exwife's house) and spends hours trying to cheer her up. Another thing and in his words, I think he lacks sufficient skills in expressing himself- but I can only be responsible for listening to the words he says and matching them with his actions- not the words he doesn't say that acutally express what he means.

Thanks Jerry- I guess that's why they call it "memory lane"- good for a quick stroll but not a long hike and don't forget to wear a helmut! The person and events unfolded into something very different. It feels like someone just handed me a candy bar, my mouth watering for it, opening it up and finding raw garlic and onions (nothing at all like chocolate!).

PP- Projection much!- he thought my boundary was a manipulation and reacted accordingly, which translated to me as kicking me when I was down. Thank you for your wise and wonderful words- I will take you up on that and many thanks.

Thank you PC, Yes, ODAT. I hear you and agree- my exAH and I had the single file implosion dynamic thing going on- not good! This felt like he forfeited my ticket for having needs in the relationship. This truly started out very differently, and I never thought the daughter would implode like this and continue to manipulate- she's way too old for this, telling me that she's really not well. I'm also shocked at how the parents have agreed to handle this- it doesn't seem like the course of action that 99.9% of other divorced parents would take under these circumstances. As we know, drugs aren't going to supply her with coping skills, and her incessant neediness seems to rest more on an extreme end of a continuum. As for the lack of coping skills, everyone at some point needs to develop them to be functional. She never became dangerous to herself or others

Thank you Milkwood, I needed to hear that. I know, my Mom's days are numbered and I have to put my energy there. Dad needs me too; today hospice said that the spouse generally lives no more than a year after the other one dies. I know this doesn't make it fact for my Dad. ODAT. I feel so foolish for not having enough wits to have ended this after the 1st month of his being over his exwife's house. I backed way off, but didn't end it.

Grateful- thank you- I may need both. I have a newer home group that is very supportive but this is the holiday season and my resources are lower than normal. My visit to Mom and Dad went ok today- Dad was in good spirits, as he dreamt that he took Mom to a swim club for a day. Swam, had a barbeque, swam, didn't come home til late, and fell asleep in their clothes. Only, he thought this was real and he wore a big smile on his face as I wheeled him into my Mom's room. He energetically maneuvers close to her bedside and says "good morning", holds her hand, and asks, "we had a good time last night, didn't we?" I held my breath. My Mom musters, "yes, we did!" That could have easily ended very differently! I ate lunch with Dad while Mom rested; then Dad asked me to go to the Chapel with him and I did. We sat with light reflecting off of the stained glass windows and gazed at the eternal light. These are such beautiful moments. The staff is going way out of their way to make me feel supported.... even the more challenging personalities are stepping out of character. I am truly grateful.

In the darkest hours, there is always light. I love that your Dad remembered a time with your Mom that eased things for him and she could respond. I'm also glad that you and your Dad were able to connect with a HP together and the staff there are able to relate and to be present to you in loving kindness.