Falling out of love with an addict - Al-Anon Family Group

Cooper · Veteran Member

Falling out of love with an addict

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Im so sorry. I totally know how you feel. Its heartbreaking. You have said so much that even though sounds harsh its so true and I always think its better to be in reality. Your right, your son and mine isnt the wee kid they once were. Their distorted and and disturbed thinking leads them to self medicate and in turn leads them to behaviours that are very difficult, almost impossible to live with. We arent the ones to reach them, how hard is that to take as a parent? Very hard to accept. Being powerless over your childs life. There not our children anymore, my son bailed out of being my son, hes not played that role for a long time now. He rejected me as his mother and it took me a long time to accept him for what he had to offer me.
Our relationship today is different, its not easy and relaxed. I watch myself and I dont get too involved in his life. Its hard and sometimes I want to shake him. Hes still drinking and probably drugging. As for breaking off the relationship altogether, ive thought about it and considered it might be the best for him too but im not there yet. I dont know if I ever will be. I knkw people who have and I really admire them. I still live in fear and that keeps me connected but I try to mind my own business and just offer my good stuff, a listening ear, a caring comment, courtesy etc but thats all i can give anymore and im back in the dysfunction, enabling and controlling. Im sick too when it comes to him.
thanks for your post, you are not alone on this difficult journey.x

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes. I have reached the point - more than once - when I have withdrawn my support from my son. Not because I love him less but because he has been swallowed up in the disease and it is important for me to take care of myself and my loved ones who are not addicts/alcoholics or active in the disease. To me, love is a given and there are times when the drawbridge against the disease must be drawn up to shut out what will be damaging to me. That doesn't mean I don't love my son. It means it is my responsibility to create the boundaries necessary to keep my sanity and good health until or if he is more "there" than not. I am not the one light that can reach my son. That's his HP's job. My responsibility to make sure my own light isn't snuffed out by a disease that is more powerful, cunning and baffling than I could ever even attempt to cure, control, or cause is the best way I know to help my son - whether or not he's physically in my life or me in his.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Cooper I am so very sorry to read that this dreadful disease is affecting your family as it did mine. Pease search out alanon meetings in your community and attend. It is here I received the love and support, to keep on keeping on when all seemed lost. Your son, like mine has a Higher Power and I had to discover that I was not it. Please take care of yourself. Keep coming back here as well . You are not alone

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

It's very normal to protect ourselves from that kind of pain. I honestly believe you do love him very much, however you do not like him. Sadly the disease does change them.

I can share with you my daughter all of a sudden cut me out of her life with no explanation. From her brothers too. No she is not an addict.

I want you to know it is not always just when our kids are addicts.

Its hard! I adored her. Would have gave her anything. For me cooper I think of her, see a pic and let myself feel what I do. But I make zero effort towards her. I took her off my life insurance. My son is my son, he treats me well and loves me.

I told him when I die to tell her I always loved her no matter what and was very proud of her. She wants nothing from me so he is to divide up my stuff for him and or my friends.

She is not to be part of it. She probably wouldn't be or know.

Sometimes I sob over it.then I go on.

Please know it is not horrible for you to protect yourself. If your son was not sick, he would want you to not allow his disease to hurt you.

I am so sad for you to have to lose him like this. remember his whole body is affected by this horrible disease. Probably has damage. NO one can act or be ok when they are literally pickled inside. horrible.

We learn to detach, loving them but hating the disease.many of us let it go completely and won't allow them around us.

We can do nothing for them, they will just use us, lie etc.

Please keep coming! book GettingThem sober, toby rice drew volume one. amazon for around five bucks

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Cooper wrote:
I feel as if I have lost my love for my 21 year old son due to his drug an alcohol use, and that surprises me because I have always felt my power to love was greater than most, yet here I am. I try to be the supportive dad but I am at the point where I just don't like him very much. It makes me feel like such a failure as a parent to say that, but the truth is the little buddy I had is long gone, the person who took his place is a liar, an addict and a thief. I realized today that I love the memory of that kid, but the person he is isn't someone I want in my life. The drugs and drinking have changed his chemistry, changed his looks and the way he acts and talks, I am not sure he will ever return to a normally functioning person, even when he appears to be straight and sober he doesn't seem to be there mentally.
Have any of you got to the point where you just shut down any relationship with your child?

Hey Cooper.......1st...BLESS your HEART!!! I am so sorry, but yea, i can relate to what you say......I have a brother, my BEST male friend, slowly going out w/his alcoholism....he is progressing and not in the good way and yea, I love the spirit of him that WAS, but I am "liking" this new guy hes turning into less and less....he goes MIA w/out telling anyone so he can binge for days on end....He calls me and threatens suicide and i am 1700 miles away, like what am i to do w/THIS info?? I panic and call his BFF and i tell him what my bro said to me..."S" was pissed that he could do something so selfish to me and i have ptsd and anxiety and hes scaring the crap out of me.......yea, i get totally what u r saying.....its like they "turn into something" that you find repulsive..its like something gets their soul and totally changes them.....I hear ya..and i validate what U R saying......its like they died, but the body is still breathing and moving around above ground, I did my grieving over my bro. a long time ago....I love our chats when he is lucid enough to talk sensibly, but really??? those times are decreasing as he ages and the booze takes him over.....the substance abuse DOES change them, and yea, druggies will steal, cheat to get their fix...I won't let my used to be beloved niece in my house EVER b/c she is a meth addict, clean now, but for how long???? and yea, she has stolen from everyone to get her drugs when she wants to use.....

I have two daughters...one is in recovery (I am recovering alanon, coda, aca and some of my coda stuff rubbed off on the girls) the other girl is not in program and she is very passive aggressive w/me.....i mean, until i set boundaries and put some distance between us, she would mess w/my feelings, ruin my holidays, she isn't physically abusive, but mentally cruel to me....I had to back off...put some distance.....she is not in recovery, OH..she treats her alkie dad like a king and craps all over me.....so yea, i love her but i don't like the things she does....I don't like her taking out her anger at A dad at me...I don't like her , b4 i put a stop to it, jacking with my emotions and the rollar coaster rides she put me on....now it isn't so bad b/c i just don't give her anything to hurt me with....sad.....however NOTHING compared to what U have to be going through....I can't imagine what you are feeling....

I have another brother who was also, like a close 2nd to the A brother who is a druggie...BIG time drugs....he doesn't bathe, he lies, steals, cheats, bullshits his way through life to get his drugs...hes popping pills like M&M's all through the day.....I used to have a lot of fun w/him...he and the other brother (the A) and i used to hang out, i dated their friends sometimes, we were close....I had to let this brother go....I don't even know him....hes into young girls and hes in his 60's now....and he posts these pics of young girls on his Facebook, claiming they are his girlfriends...OMG...he is sooo into himself and its all him him him...he cares not for anyone else.....the sweet, generous, lovable little guy he once was is GONE...he is on California code 500 or whatever the number is where they put him on controlled substances to keep him "managable" since he took his car and ran it through a sidewalk w/people on it, he was trying to drive it into a store.....oh yea, got arrested and they put him on controlled sedatives to "manage" him, but he gets MORE stuff off the streets...dealers he knows by the score...he is in a half way house and its loosely supervised b/c he is doing his prescribed drugs AND adding his street drugs to it......mostly its downers, big time...but i heard he plays w/uppers as well....his brain is fried, gone is the original little friend i had...and do i love him??? i love the old him that is no more...i love the good memories i HAD of him......the old him i let go and did my grieving over....this "other" him, I do not like...don't want to be around him....i can't take more than 5 min. on the phone w/him....when he calls, i usually send it toVM....on his b-day i did accept his call and i had to get off after only a few minutes....i couldn't handle it......his last episode w/the law was when he rammed his car into a cop car...thank god the police officer was in side the 7-11 getting a drink...he would have killed the guy and no prison time out of THAT..i could not believe it....he thought the whole thing was funny.....i was appalled......so yea, Cooper, I totally relate to what U R saying, and like i said....a brother (2 in my case) is one thing...your child is another, but ya know???? as a native american we have "totem" animals who are our totems or lesson givers, there are life time totems and sometimes a totem will come for a while to teach me something and then it goes

my life totems are the african lioness, the sow grizzley bear and also the horse......the african lioness taught me something very valuable about detachment...when a lioness has cubs and one cub gets sick and is not fixable, the lioness leaves that cub to put her energy onthe ones she can raise up....its not cruelty, its nature, its humane, b/c to keep hanging on would be non productive....to let go is mericiful b/c A--it gives her more time w/the healthy cubs or B--in human cases, letting go allows us to detach from their problems so they either work them out and heal or they go down---either way, the most humane thing we can do for US for THEM is to let go..with love and peace, but we LET GO...let nature work its course...They (the addicts) will either get help and straighten out or they will not and its not our job to go down the tubes with them......animals handle it so much better than humans....we hang on and bash our heads against the wall, all for what??? so they can drink/use some more and keep our pain constant....what is the sense in that??? helping them only circumvents their knowing that "yea, I have a problem b/c my life is in the sewer" we keep helping and keeping them in denial.....i no longer help my brothers....i will not aid them....they did this...its their job to clean it up...get into AA/NA and stay sober or face the karma......

I do get what u r saying....my mother was a raging, horrible alcoholic.....I did not like her...never bonded to this woman who abandoned me , abused me, neglected me since day one of my arrival here....i never bonded to her with any love....the lady who WAS my mom was the one whom my adoptive big sisters took home to and SHE cared for me, took care of me, combed my hair, tucked me in bed at night and my dad, her husband, was my DAD....

Love is where the heart is.....DNA is so over rated....love is NOT DNA...its experiences and what you can exchange with that person....Love is being joyful when u r around someone....Love is mutual healthy sharing where the parties have a healthy self love and they share that w/their loved ones.....DNA is NOT a carte blanche on my love....Love and trust are the end results of accrued good fruit received from the other as I give good fruit to them......and love can die....like a plant starved of water...it can wither up and die....or, in the case of my DNA mother, it can never take root....

i am glad u r here.....hang with us....try and find some meetings if u r not in them, and there u will meet others who are going through what u r and the fellowshipping with healthy folks is a god send.....alanon changed me from a bitter, life hating, angry, resentful little ball of anger to who i am now...yea, i have my "moments" but they no longer run my life....

sorry for the long post...your post touched me.....I feel for you.....sending you hugs and support

Cooper · Veteran Member

Thank you everyone for your support and replies, in a way it's saddening to realize so many others have felt the same grief I am feeling, and are powerless to do anything about it. I know everyone talks of detachment and your higher power or even releasing yourself from the burden but that's where I am having trouble. I've never been good at the "fake it until I make it" philosophy, I feel how I feel until something changes. Since nothing is changing on it's own I am feeling desperate enough to force a change, and that change would have to be pushing my son out of my life. I just don't seem to be able to love the person but hate the disease, to me they have morphed into one entity.

Honestly not sure what else to say, I just want things to be different.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I have been in this program and others like it since 1979 - "Fake it till you make it" is not a suggestion I have given weight to although others might. The conservative change you can make is to attend as many Al-Anon meetings as possible. I have found the help I need in these program rooms to do what is necessary without trying to force solutions which is also an ism of ours. Feelings aren't facts although they can help wake us up to the solutions available to us in the program. There is a 9 pm on-line meeting here tonight if you're interested in the chat room.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

grateful2be wrote:
I have been in this program and others like it since 1979 - "Fake it till you make it" is not a suggestion I have given weight to although others might. The conservative change you can make is to attend as many Al-Anon meetings as possible. I have found the help I need in these program rooms to do what is necessary without trying to force solutions which is also an ism of ours. Feelings aren't facts although they can help wake us up to the solutions available to us in the program. There is a 9 pm on-line meeting here tonight if you're interested in the chat room.

i agree with grateful....i don't buy the "fake it till i make it" maybe its a trigger b/c i had to "fake" that my life was bearable when growing up and it was NOT bearable....now i don't "fake" anything....sure..if i want to cry at work, of course, i can't YET, but i do when i get home...just an example....i allow my feelings, i just don't let emotions run my life.....i allow them, feel them, then regroup and figure out what is my best option.....i also agree about the meetings......getting with others who share our situations is a big comfort, not that i am glad others feel terrible like me, lol, but that they understand where i am coming from.......i do hear what u r saying.....u may end up having to cut him off if he is stealing from you or is toxic to the point where it is bad for your health.....working a strong program, maybe you can have limited contact w/him, just don't let your guard down b/c they will steal if they need to if they want to use....working a good program, you will become better with your instincts and you will be able to deal w/out getting so absorbed in it, if ya know what i mean......there are some folks in my family whom i HAD to cut off completely b/c it came down to my being triggered all the time/anxious/unhappy or my taking care of me and putting MY needs for serenity, peace, safety, etc...some folks i can have limited contact with....some i had to X out completely....i put my needs first now...if one is sucking the life out of me, I am outta there...its not revenge or to be mean, it is self preservation........you will decide how much if any you can take of him......I am so sorry , and you are NOT alone in how you feel......IN SUPPORT

Beatrice · Senior Member

That's where Alanon says, hate and detach from the disease not the person.

It's very difficult to detach from your son, your child, your blood, but for your own sanity, detach you must. And don't feel guilty.

I don't have a child that's an alcoholic, but she has other behaviors that we have gone round and round on. I think I have the detachment down
Its the difference between despair and serenity.

Stick with the program of Alanon, it will get you thru, the more your son acts out the more meetings you go too.

We don't own anyone and that includes our children, we have no power over the disease of addiction. That is the first step to really concentrate and really
understand.

Keep coming back, Hugs, Bettina

Green Eyes · ~*Service Worker*~

I love my AD, but don't like the person she is right now. She cut me out of her life almost two years ago (she's 27 years old). At first, I kept trying to make contact with her, but after going to Al-anon meeting for parents of alcoholics/addicts, I realized that I was giving her exactly what she wanted by contacting her and then having her reject me. As someone at one of my meetings said, "Her rejection is God's projection." That was exactly what I needed to hear.

Six months ago, I sent her an email letting her know that the I would no longer be trying to contact her. The ball was in her court. If she wanted to have contact, then it was up to her to contact me. I've seen her once since that time, and it was very strained and uncomfortable. I miss her, but as long as she is actively drinking and not getting help for her disease, I must detach with love and give her the grace to figure out how she wants her life to be. I am not her Higher Power, and so I shouldn't act like I am control of her choices or her life. Sending you lots of support right now and hoping you will attend a meeting for parents to get the support you might need.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

You know who and what you are...You do your own inventory on your value systems and personality and character and behaviors so that you know...sometimes that comes up different than the people we love and some we love more than others...like our grown up kids (oxymoron)?. My eldest (49 yoa) relapsing son who is way out there knows who loves him and is supportive of sober and sane behaviors. Sober and sane behaviors are his job and if he doesn't do that job the rest of the family goes on. We love him and like having him here...and we don't need him. Detachment...what a tool. ((((hugs)))) smile

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

The way I see it I would never tell my son I fell out of love for him because that is the worse thing I could do. But what I would do is tell him I love him dearly but I will not enable his disease ever again and I'm letting him make his own choices good or bad. If he gives me crap about it I would just say " It's OK son you will learn to cope"

The best thing you can do for him is let him fall ( detach ) no matter how hard it is on you. That's true love. Give him the dignity and respect to fall.

Letter:

I am an Alcoholic. I need your help.

Don't lecture, blame or scold me. You wouldn't be angry at me for having cancer or
diabetes. Alcoholism is a disease, too.

Don't pour out my liquor; it's just a waste because I can always find ways of getting
more.

Don't let me provoke your anger. If you attack me verbally or physically, you will only
confirm my bad opinion of myself. I hate myself enough already.

Don't let your love and anxiety for me lead you into doing what I ought to do for myself.

If you assume my responsibilities, you make my failure to assume them permanent. My sense of
guilt will be increased, and you will feel resentful.

Don't accept my promises. I'll promise anything to get off the hook. But the nature of my
illness prevents me from keeping my promises, even though I mean them at the time.
Don't make empty threats. Once you have made a decision, stick to it.

Don't believe everything I tell you; it may be a lie. Denial of reality is a symptom of my
illness. Moreover, I'm likely to lose respect for those I can fool too easily.

Don't let me take advantage of you or exploit you in any way. Love cannot exist for long
without the dimension of justice.

Don't cover up for me or try in any way to spare me the consequences of my drinking.

Don't lie for me, pay my bills, or meet my obligations. It may avert or reduce the very crisis that
would prompt me to seek help. I can continue to deny that I have a drinking problem as long as
you provide and automatic escape for the consequences of my drinking.

Above all, do learn all you can about alcoholism and your role in relation to me. Go to
open AA meetings when you can. Attend Al-Anon meetings regularly, read the literature and
keep in touch with Al-Anon members. They're the people who can help you see the whole
situation clearly.

I love you

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Cooper, you have only been at this for a few months. Breathe...and keep up with the alanon. What I think is that you are coming to terms with reality and are moving out of the "I can save him!" type thinking that you came here with. Now you are processing serious loss and disappointment rather than living in "fixer lala land." It is okay to feel disappointed and frustrated. You can own those feelings. This is not at all what you wanted for your son, but that doesn't mean you don't love him. For many of us, we had to learn that being disappointed with or heartbroken over someone's choices and also being powerless over them does not mean a lack of love.

Mixed feelings are also okay. It may be new to you to feel like you love your son but really do NOT LIKE him at the moment.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

I believe love isn't a feeling. I fall out of the feeling of love with my wife occasionally, especially when I was exasperated by her drinking. However, the commitment that I made to her dictates that I still keep her best interests as a priority in my life. If that best interest included her feeling the consequences of poor life choices that she would continue to make, I would have her feel the consequences. if that best interest included taking our son out of the house to keep him from an unhealthy environment, well, I know that that is really what she would want because, outside of the disease she wants what is best for our family.

Kenny

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey Cooper, I was talking w/my sister who is ret. mental health therapist about my D#2, her niece.....I want to make myself clear to you and to everyone else on the board , that yea, I never bonded w/my mother or that monster sire of mine b/c from day one they abused me so there was never any bonding.....i never bonded with my elder siblings b/c from day one of my arrival, they were either trying to suffocate me or tossing me out 2nd story windows to kill me, OH and the time they tried to drown me...well he did, she just encouraged him...I grabbed his "package" and squeezed w/all my might and he let go..... I came , literally , from a family from hell....so NO..there was NOTHING---ZERO about them to love.....that said

I found love in my aunt and uncle, my adoptive mom and dad and I ADORED both couples.....for me, maybe its a disorder in me, but I just cannot love un sorry evil.....I can empathize w/the sick ones who really are just needing 12 steps, b/c I am in 12 steps.....there is a BIG difference between being just sick like I was and stone evil like what i grew up with.....those entities i have no love for.....I shun them and would never expose myself to them..

your son is NOT evil, nor is my niece, nor is my mentally cruel daughter #2, or my A brothers... they are SICK...they have addictions...some , like drug abusers, are more toxic to be around than others.....yea,an addicted child, I would always care about the kid, even love them, but I would put my safety first and detach....keep my distance....I took my niece away from my older, bio sister who was and is a MONSTER>..she is her father's daughter....incest is "ok" in her books, as long as the victim doesn't come forward and expose it and expose her father....suck it up and shut up...don't "narc" the family or the offender, even, if it rocks her boat.......oh yea, she let her own husband (i found this out recently during a convo with my drug addict niece that her "mom" allowed her husband, their natural father to "molest them" and she did NOTHING to protect these kids...her income from him was more important) my niece shared this with me (we are talking again, now she is out of prison and in therapy for her drug use) when "T" was at her worst, (the drugs) I did NOT stop loving her......but I did cut her loose from me b/c she was violent and a thief when using....but did i quit loving her??? NO...why??? b/c she is SICK....NOT evil...there is a difference.....i will always love "T" and pray for her continued recovery....now i know why she self medicated on drugs....untreated incest victim and her own mom, KNEW this.....My sadness is that I did not take custody of her earlier...I just didn't know...

i knew back in late 70's something was"not right" w/ the way their dad acted towards her....(3 girls) anyway, he made my skin crawl.....my bio sister wasn't doing anything about it b/c he was making good money and she wanted her "things"... HE ended up finding a girlfriend and shacked up w/her which i was glad b/c he was acting very inappropriate w/my niece.....her mom also beat her,because she began to act out and get into trouble so i took her away....14 years old and I "yanked her out of there" I told my sister that she wold have to "whip my ass if she wants her back" of course she can't so i walked away with the kid...i got custody of her and finished raising her.....she got in with a guy, nice kid, but he had a drug issue.....it was marijuana then they married (she was pregnant and 20 and no longer under my control) , she lived w/me until she married "S".. so they got sick of weed and went to coke and meth....she went down hill and it broke my heart....i cried rivers....my beautiful girl who looked just like me, smart as a tack and doing this SH**???? I had to let go....I had to let her keep falling on her butt to hopefully force her into recovery and she would go b/c even then, b4 recovery, i was not gonna coddle her and keep her from reaping the bad karma she was making.........this problem has been from early to mid 80's (the hard stuff) b/c she married him in 1982...so mid 80's they are doing the hard stuff....

I had no choice...she would end up in jail, cops would call me b/c she told them i was her mom when they couldn't find hubby, and i let her stay in jail...I told her that "you did this--you get yourself out of this" OH no!!!!! i was not gonna bail her out, go broke , trying to shovel against the tide....i felt like she was safer in jail, she can't use....shes been in and out of NA...relapse after relapse...in and out of jail....in and out of prison...and I did NOT bail her out...I wanted her to crash to the bottom and MAYBE get some help...

you know what she said to me last week??? when she dropped the incest bomb shell on me and also she said to me "mom, (she calls ME her mom, not her bio mother) she says to me "mom, I used to get sooo angry when you let me rot in jail, but you probably saved my life b/c i got sick of being in jail and then prison, I knew u were trying to let me reap the bad energy and learn a lesson, the consequences i was making and NOW I THANK YOU for letting me suffer my consequences" THAT is what she said to me.....I don't talk much about her b/c it is painful....i thought i got custody of her in time to help her, i didn't know my bio sister was letting this kid be molested AND , oh yea, sister dearest was growing weed in the back yard and teaching her how to smoke it w/her....I caught her once and told her i would report her to police and kick her butt if i EVER saw this again, i ruined the plants, dug them up and destroyed them, oh yea, when i got custody of her, I tried to help her..hoped i got her away from that horrible woman in time, but damage was done...

now she is in NA, and therapy, and SO FAR doing ok....I hold no expectations b/c I don't want my heart to be broken again, but i do say that where there is life there is some hope....I don't know her prognosis...that crap, maybe 15% of them stay off it, the others relapse and end up dying from the stuff, eventually, maybe 20% stay clean, but the numbers are low.....so yea, I never stopped loving her, but I did LET GO....I cut off contact w/her when she was using and calling me up all crazy and stuff.... i had to....i have had this for how many years now??? 30??? going on???? its a long time

i don't talk much about her, i don't post much if anything about her b/c it is painful and I usually do this in the meets when i need to share about her, or talk to my sponsor or a trusted recovery mate, but your story really touched my heart in a deep way b/c your son and my "first daughter" really, when she goes to therapy the therapist has MY number and knows ME as her mom.....I had to let her sit in jail to keep her safe and for her to detox and hopefully get sick and tired of the same old lessons.......it was hard, leaving her there, i would go into her room and lie on her bed and cry b/c of this and i felt so helpless , even tho i wasn't in recovery yet, i knew...i just knew, that i had to let her sit in the jail over and over again, in the hopes that the state would force her into recovery...SOMETHING , ANYTHING was better than her hanging out w/her druggie friends, getting high and attacking cops when they were questioned...that is what cost her her freedom this last time

anyway, there is the painful story, all laid out in its ugly, sad , no punches pulled delivery....that is what i dealt with and why I HATE drugs even more than abusing alcohol....

do i love her??? YES...did i always love her??? YES....did i like her??? NO, not a lot of times...the ranting, screaming, "Get me the F*** out of here, mom, you are a B**** to not come get me"....did i love that???? NO!!!

as to miss passive aggressive daughter #2....do i love her??? Yes...do i love her not being in alanon, aca or coda ??? NO!!! do i like her when she messes w/my emotions???? NO!! did i distance myself from her to protect me??? Yes.....why??? because I am taking care of me and I am not going to go there where she likes to push my buttons.....NOT going there!!!

if she wants me in her life, she can be loving and put me there...i never put up walls to her, just a chain link fence...when she is wanting to play with my head??? the gate is closed but she can still look in, but cannot enter until she wants to honor my boundaries that i clearly set.....

its true..I never loved my mother, sperm donor and older siblings b/c to me?? they were and are "dark entities"...My A brother when he went to calif. to visit the sister, he told me that he could "feel" her dark energy and he had this NEED to get away from her...put some distance....and HES an alcoholic......i won't go into the evil i had to endure, but trust me, there was absolutely NOTHING to love about those people.....so can i love a "dark" spirit??? not just "no" but "HELL no" I cannot....

my A brother who is killing himself on his vodka...do i love him??? yes...do i love his getting drunk and calling me all maudlin/morose/crying???? NO!!

VERY few of my family or other souls I have known, I honestly say, i just never ever loved them and don't love their memories to this day..But it was b/c they were just BAD people......I am sick....the people i was forced to grow up with, some of them were very very BAD people........The sick ones who are not evil, but just very very ill???? Like my A brother, my other little brother who is a druggie/alcholic and my poor little niece/daughter, who is a drug addict...my daughter #2 who needs to get into alanon but can't see the need for it yet , I can and do love them, but i must keep some distance to protect me.....in varying degrees, I cut them loose b/c it is a case of self preservation and I am putting my needs for safety, serenity and just a livable life FIRST

I hope this helps you work this out....I want to thank you for your bravery sharing this about your son......you helped me come out on this board and share about my beloved niece/daughter whom I still may lose to the meth....the percentages of them staying off it is low...so my expectations are low....I talk on the phone w/her and i tell her...I will always love her, but i am not gonna let her take me down with her....she understands, she says.....I had to give her over to her maker a long time ago, when i saw just how bad this addiction to drugs is........

I send you LOADS of support.......I will always call "T" my child, like my othre girls.....i took her away at 14...i got custody of her...I loved and cared for her and finished raising her up...I was her mom..when she was a baby and sister would be out cheating on hubby, I raised up those kids, mostly "T" the one i eventually got custody of.......It still pains me to think what that poor child went through and was so shamed based she couldn't tell ME, her real mom, what happened to her, so she turned to drugs.......sooo sad....

So I can relate to how you feel.....if i didn't have alanon and my meets, my sponsor and trusted recovery mates I would not be handling this crap well at all......and there are times i gotta call a close loved one and we share an support each other......i have a recovery buddy who has abusive daughter like me and we work the program together.....i do hope you stick w/alanon....it is my life saver....

IN SUPPORT

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.