Just plain old irritable - Al-Anon Family Group

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

Just plain old irritable

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

That was very good, honest, direct and short...didn't beat her up (it sounds like) stating your boundaries and values...how did you body language present itself. Major part of communication is body language. Sometimes doing it different and right causes shame and guilt and with practice that goes away. Inventory body language and spirit (intentions) and the language you used and if it was doubly respectful...for you and for her, do a hoppy dance and move on. (((hugs))) smile

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

My words were verbatim. I was on the phone so I checked my tone. My intentions were to respect myself and really not to have conversations where I feel drained and irritable.

Sometimes I get confused if I am stating my boundaries and values, when I feel "shame" afterwards. Thanks Jerry ....I didn't recognize it was shame. I am frustrated with myself that I feel guilty!!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

When I have spoken from a place of self-love and self-respect in a new way, I can feel shaky sometimes. Runs contrary to that people pleaser nature that is pleasant and not really very honest. Detachment calls for us not to allow ourselves to be used or abused and I think that can be applied not only to the As in our lives, but the non As, too. One sided conversations does not a friendship make. Sitting patiently while someone talks with other people for more than a short time to answer a short question or deal with something that is necessary for the moment might be okay with somebody else but it doesn't appear to be okay for you. Letting other people know our limits and boundaries directly sure cuts down on any unnecessary second guessing on their part and game playing on ours.

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

I feel strange because it doesn't bother me with other people. Although most other people I deal with say..."can you hold on for a minute while I ....?" Or "can I call you back?" "I just have to deal with this ...." That does not bother me at all.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

That is the behavior that meets with your value system so it doesn't bother you? Good matches with those folks for friendships? Not so much with this person?

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

I have been asking myself those questions as well. I am beginning to wonder if it is time to let go.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Looks to me like you did let go? By stating your limits and boundaries and honoring them, it appears to me like you released yourself from an experience that wasn't right for you?

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

Grateful ... You always have a way of bringing to my awareness what is just below the surface... Thank you sister!!!! So how was your day?

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

My day was simple, quiet and enjoyable although I was actually struggling with being direct about something at the noon meeting I attend today. Your share actually helped me, too!

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Sounds to me like you have some good real-time awareness of how you're feeling. One possibility is that you might have told her at the time that you needed to talk when she wasn't so distracted. Then your irritation might not have built up. Because even if what she was doing was very rude (and it sounds like it was), people can't read our minds and know they should change. I recognize this because I have a habit of not speaking up and then getting mad at people for not doing something I never let them know I needed. I'm trying to clean up after this habit but it's hard! Especially hard to think how to say something calmly in the moment. But you have awareness which is crucial.

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

Awe thanks ((((grateful)))).. Happy to hear ...thank you Mattie ... I think I will try that next time

seems so simple when you said it... How did I make it so complicated? Lol

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

You handled this perfectly. I recently had the same sort of experience with a friend which resulted in me canceling a coffee date. It was a supportive action for me, yet I sat for a bit confused and shaky. I contacted a program friend so I could gather my wits and get on with my day. (((truth))) To thine own self be true.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

You don't have to like or be friends with everyone. I guess it has to do with you already being friends. It's hard to stand up to a friend. We sort of expect them to know how to act or we wouldn't have chosen them as friends in the first place. There's a bunch of ways to go about solving interpersonal dilemmas. You could have took the route of concerned with something like "Seriously listen...You seem really distracted lately hon. When we talked it was like there was so much on your mind I couldn't even talk and also you were letting all these other people distract you too and kept talking to them and not me. I care about you, but it's hard to be a good friend when you are this unfocused." Now, I recognize you are dealing with someone who already wasn't listening so that subtle approach may have gone right over her head. So...no right answer. Your response could have been the best and only way to get the point across and it is what it is. I have heard in the rooms that it's better to give a resentment than to get one. That's not an excuse to go around treating people badly, but I guess it does mean that it doesn't make sense to make ourselves suffer and other people can deal with their own crap.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I have no friends who treat me in the fashion you described, Truth, nor do I treat them in that way either. There was a time when I couldn't discern the difference between being friends and being friendly. I can be friendly with people who are that immature and I can't be friends with them. It won't work because we're at different places and needing different things. I won't cut somebody off entirely who is at that stage of growth, but I also won't spend time trying to nurture a friendship with them because it just isn't going to be no matter how much I'd like it to be. Being "equally yoked" is important to me - especially at my age. I simply don't want to waste my energy wanting myself or another person to be different than we are. I'd rather spend my energy with folks who are capable of nurturing a real friendship with me and me with them than with folks who just aren't ready for what I'm ready for. I don't have to be angry with them, hate them, put them down, try to change them, have long discussions about whatever has happened between us that with some won't go anywhere anyway. I can simply accept that this particular person and I can be friendly and it can't go any deeper than that right now and go to those folks with whom I can enjoy a deeper connection.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 10th of December 2014 10:28:30 AM

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

My family and friends are all human and sometimes they, including me with go "sideways" on something. One of the things I learned in Al-Anon was tolerance and understanding along with compassion and empathy which all are great levelers in my relationships. It is my relationship with the program that sets the tone for me always and the ability to inventory and ask myself inventory questions about "where am I at with this"? are great tools. I am and was always grateful when others treated me with unconditional love and tolerance especially when I'm out of sync and I've had a bug up my butt. After a while I get it taken care of and we can laugh about it. I love to laugh and strive for that and then there are the times..... (((hugs))) smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

If this person is a true friend they will get it. We need to stand up for ourselves, its that teaching others how to treat us. I was brought up with no stress or arguing or anything. I had to learn to stand up for me and know it was ok.

I walked out of this one well known mean teachers class. He told me girls should not wear jeans to school. I just walked out. He could not believe it. How dare I! My mother was very supportive and said he was a know it all when she was a kid lol.

Slowly I learned to speak my mind carefully and truthfully. My kids are the same way.

Practice it more and it will just become part of you. I thought you said it beautifully. You stuck to the issue and did not attack the person.

You can always call this person and say something like, I hope I did not sound rude when I shared how I felt. I care about you.

She may not realize she does it. I have a friend like this. I love her so I can get to a point to say S!! I want to say somthing! lol she is always gracious and funny. some people just suck the air out of a room. Most times I end the friendship.

Honestly honey, it will help you to accept this part of you the more you learn to stand up for you!! hugs!

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I have a friend like tbis, shes pretty self centred and I can build up resentment at times. I think you have been couragous here, you have spoken your truth and set a clear boundary. Said what you mean without saying it mean. Excellent work, this is self worth building. Now the outcome will hooefully be, she apologises or acknowledges her bad behaviour and if she doesnt then its up to you to decide whether you can accept her as is or move away and on.
I can struggle with the latter because I have some attachment issues, I find it hard to move away even whe I know its good for me to do so. Well done, great post.

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you to all of you for the responses. It felt so strange to say it, I really like the part about nurturing a friendship. I have felt for awhile now we were growing at a different pace. I also have to say I caught myself being distracted today with another person but it was great because I recognized it and promptly apologized. Anyway my friend called, she did not quite admit the behavior but she shifted from not listening

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Good! Sounds like a friend to me. My experience with "friendly" is that if I do openly state my boundaries, limits, concerns or dislike of something, the other person will either spin out in denial, ignore what I've said, or tell me I'm being too sensitive, too blah-blah-blah, can't take a joke, or whatever else they come up with that works for them and not for me. A friend does something similar to what this gal has done in my experience. I'm happy that this has been the outcome for you after stating your limits and boundaries. Wonderful!

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