Al-Anon Family Group

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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Newbie.
Post Info TOPIC: Newbie.
tiredmummy


Newbie

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Newbie.
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OK

trying to keep this short, hubby and I have been together 11 years and over that time his drinking has got worse! Since June when his brother with a few spare bedrooms moved closer it got even worse!

My husband is kind, loving, and generous when hes not drinking when he is nothing else matters! since June he has moved out on at least 4 occasions to his brothers house this has accumulated from causing rows (which he later blames me for) then either me cracking and telling him to get out or him telling me he hates me that I am a bully and he's leaving. it tends to happen on a wednesday or thursday and he comes back on a monday full of promises of stopping drinking knowing he cant just have one etc etc which changes to not drinking in the house which changes to everything going back to normal! 

When it happen a few months back we went through the same cycle except this time I started finding little bottles of wine hidden which he would deny any knowledge of! then it expanded to him wanting to go drinking in the afternoon  never mind the fact he made friends with a female enabler! so last tuesday after another mini bottle of wine turns up and he takes himself off to this girls house I throw him out!

As ususal I'm strong in my resolve that he wont be back and I dont hear from him wednesday-sunday when he messages me to say hes sorted a house out and it comes up a map which shows me hes not in work but the pub!! I stupidly go nuts and he blocks my messages! at midnight I get a plea that he needs my help so not being able to turn my back on him he comes round in a terrible state that he realises its all his fault! that I've done nothing wrong hes so sorry he caught himself at the alcho table in the bar and doesnt know how its come to all this. Also admitted he was hiding alcohol!

So I let him stay now hes moved back in and I'm feeling like a mug who's fallen for it again! He's promising no more drinking and hasn't in the last few days I'm even having nightmares! I feel so helpless and as much as I want to believe him I see it all happening again the little drink me cracking and him not seeing what my problem is before it spirals back to where it was!

 

 

 

 

 



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neshema2


~*Service Worker*~

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Hi and welcome to MIP

Yep, you have a serious problem, if he isn't in active AA and SOBER....i mean he can't EVAA touch the stuff again

but thats his problem, you will never control it, you didn't cause it and you won't cure it

are there any alanon meets near you???  alanon shows us how to focus on ourselves,  let him to his own devices..its his problem, not yours...your problem is taking care of you and keeping your sanity for you....alanon is OUR life saver....alanon is for US, about US to benefit US to teach US how to take care of ourselves...

I am glad you reached out here....taking him back is only enabling him and causing him to think  "well i can't be that bad b/c she took me back"  so he continues drinking, until his mind goes, then his body goes, and he is at end life stages and you are stuck nursing him till he dies.....not a pretty picture hey???  by taking them in, we only keep them above the abyss they need to fall in b/c letting him hit rock bottom is your only hope of his saving his life....

really, it sounds mean, but it is the most merciful thing we can do...I had 2 AH's   one horrible...one sweet....I left them both b/c they refused recovery.....I was not gonna hang out and watch them die.....i watched my mother die of it and won't do it again.....the bleeding all over b/c their liver is so destroyed by the alcohol, the mad ravings and rantings, the wretched state they are in till death finally claims them......if her husband had let HER hit bottom, maybe she would have reached out to AA and stopped drinking  but everyone picked up after her messes,  baby sat her and yea, enabled her...i see it clearly now, but didn't b4 b/c i was not in alanon....

my A brother is a non recovering alcoholic....I do NOT help him, I won't let him even visit me b/c my rules are NO SUBSTANCE ABUSE IN MY HOUSE....I have beer....i have cans that have been in fridge for a long time....i may have a couple here and there, but a 12 pack lasts me forever, and i serve it to guests....i don't allow substance abuse in my home....I don't do it...i don't allow it.....so A brother has no invite to my home....I don't send him money when he fails to pay his storage fees for his stuff,  i do not pay his cell phone when he is late on bill.....I DO NOT HELP HIM ,  but, sadly, so many others do help him b/c he is a lovable guy and they are killing him by not letting him crash to the bottom where he can't stand it anymore and reaches out for help.......

Whether you want him there or out is your business, but i am hoping you can get into some meets so you can learn to detach/disconnect from his issues and focus on you and your life....in alanon meets you can associate and bond with healthy people who will share their experience, strength and hope with you and so you can learn there is another, waaay more healthy way to live.....even tho i advocate leaving if they don't get into recovery and stay there , many can't due to finances or minor children and i get that....i totally empathize with that....I had left AH #1 by the time i got my kids, and AH #2 was a good dad figure, even drunk, he was good so i lasted w/him for a while, but ended up kicking him out b/c i loved him too much to watch him die.....

so some folks leave the A...some stay......the ones who stay only keep their sanity by hanging onto alanon and letting the A  do what he/she has to do and DONT AID them....let them to their own devices...let them reap the consequences of their drinking and MAYBE they will get help.....I pray my brother will but with everyone in his town enabling him, the chances of that are small, so he will end up dying from the stuff...i'll get that dreaded call that he is gone, but ya know???  i would rather have him gone then sleeping in his truck, getting drunk, or sleeping in his storage unit, gettng drunk....what a life!!!! w/out recovery, there is no hope for him to live a decent and fruitful life......soooo sad!!!!

i do hope you hang w/alanon.....I am glad you reached out....in the meets you will hear some painful shares, but then you will hear the hope and strength of the ones who are working their program whether they leave the A or stay w/him/her......the alanons who stay, you can see how hard they work their program and the benefits they get from it.......

sending you support



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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!! 
hotrod


~*Service Worker*~

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Dear tired mummy thank you for reaching out and connecting with such honesty. I can readily identify with the life that you are living and understand your pain and sadness. You are not alone and there is help and hope

For your information the AMA has designated alcoholism as a progressive, chronic , fatal disease that can be arrested and never cured. AA is a powerful resource in helping the alcoholic stay sober.

Al-Anon is the recovery program for family members who have lived with the insanity of alcoholism. You qualify for attendance. There are face-to-face meetings held all over the world and I urge you to search out such meetings and attend.

In essence we strive to live our lives, focused on ourselves, one day at a time trusting a god of our understanding and supporting each other as we grow in self esteem.

We also have on line meetings here two times a day and I suggest that you relax, take some deep breaths , and try to attend . To logon go to www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html
Here is the schedule


Morning Meetings

Mon. - Fri. at 9am EST

Sat. - Sun at 10am EST

Each Sunday morning at 10 am EST, we will be having a Spiritual meeting with a topic relating to the Spiritual part of our program.

Night Meetings

Mon-Saturday 9PM eastern time

Sunday 7PM eastern time

By living one day at a time, ,focused on ourselves, attending meetings and practicing the steps of the program I found serenity and peace. You will too



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
cloudyskies


~*Service Worker*~

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Hello tiredmummy. Welcome to MIP. You have found a bunch of compassionate and understanding friends here who know your pain. I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Alcoholism is such a dreadful disease that affects everyone it touches. I am so glad you have reached out here. I would also strongly recommend you finding and attending Al -Anon face to face meetings. Al-Anon is a recovery program for family and friends of the alcoholic. Over time our lives become so meshed with the alcoholic, that we lose sight of who we are. We are so focused on our alcoholics that we neglect taking care of ourselves. Al-Anon can help you learn to live differently.

You cannot control you ah's drinking. You cannot cure his drinking and you did not cause it. You cannot help your ah, but you can help yourself. Al-Anon can help you learn how to stop obsessing over your ah and focus on yourself.

Take one day at a time and take care of you.

Keep coming back.



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Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold  O-on  P-pain E-ends

Linda-
PP


~*Service Worker*~

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I support all that my friends have posted here.  It is difficult knowing what is best for YOU, then following through on what is best for YOU.  You are living with a seriously addicted man, who will manipulate you until there is nothing left.  Even though he has all of the good qualities you mentioned, he is tortured and will hurt you as long as YOU allow it.  Reasoning with him, expressing your feelings, being hurt, will not change his behaviors to abuse substances.  Keep coming back here, we know your story and will support you in your recovery.  You have to do the hard work to heal...the question for you is, do you want it bad enough to do the hard work?  Prayers and blessings for all of you.



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Paula
grateful2be


~*Service Worker*~

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Hi. Welcome to MIP. You aren't a mug and you have been manipulated by his disease. Al-Anon will help you learn to take good care of yourself and let the untreated alcoholic take care of himself in whatever way he chooses which may not include getting clean and sober. None of us have to live with or give into this disease's manipulations no matter how pitiful the pleadings might sound. Underneath all that is said by a person with this disease is what they are really saying: "I want my fix and nothing else truly matters." The program helps us begin to detach from this disease and its manipulations one day at a time.  Even the kind, loving stuff may only be yet another manipulation on the part of the disease.  It's cunning, baffling and powerful.  We can't deal with it effectively without getting help for ourselves.



-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 10th of December 2014 10:48:17 AM



-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 10th of December 2014 10:48:43 AM

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig
KennyFenderjazz


~*Service Worker*~

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Hi, welcome mummy, I'm not sure if you are a mug or not, because I'm not sure what a mug is. Perhaps you are a caring loving person who is being taken advantage of by a disease she doesn't understand. If you go to an Al Anon meeting, you will find a whole room full of people who were also being taken advantage of by that same disease, and have worked their way out it. They can help you with this. Look iup Al anon meetings on the internet, there are bound to be some near you.

And keep coming back here, we also are all too familiar with the story, and are all working towards recovering from the affects of alcohol.

Kenny

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Jerry F


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Tired this is very normal for the disease.  We come to understand that we knew only a little back then and by attending face to face Al-Anon Family Groups we learn much better how to build our resistance and boundaries and change attitudes and behaviors.   Alcoholism is an abnormal way of living...the programs bring us back to normal.  Welcome to the board...make us a often visit.  MIP is a very strong program which helps others change the sick way they are living in trying to exist while alcoholism is running its course.   ((((hugs)))) smile



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Debilyn


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The  problem is their behavior can  make us sick.

If he is an addict, then he will drink.  That is part of his disease. So we stop looking at them and look at ourselves.

What can you do different? What are  your options? What are you willing to put up with and what makes you do so?

Are their meetings in your area?

He wants female companionship without feeling guilty. Are you willing to allow that in your life?

We lose ourselves when we live like this. Al Anon works to help you look in the mirror and say, hey I am the healthy one here, what do I want? can't change them anyway. So what is it YOU want?

He is in a pit, does not want to be alone, so he is manipulating to have you and his disease wants also.

It is up to us to say uh no way budi, and decide where and what we want.

hugs!!!!



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
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