new to al-anon - Al-Anon Family Group

anna_m · Member

new to al-anon

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi and welcome. Also good for you for deciding to quit messing around with drugs.Those kids need you home not in prison!

An A is going to do what they are. We have no control over that. They are the only ones who can choose recovery, it is totally up to them.

Telling family is really moot. They can do nothing. In fact the more you and all of them stay out of it the better. NO WAY would I trust him in my home. Are you kidding??? IF he has dope, he is going to keep it with him, in whatever home he is in.

He has no respect for you or those children. That was criminal to do dope around them. As you can see I am very protective of kids, and animals.

Dear one, believe me, we have to take care of ourselves, and our kids especially. We cannot believe anything an active addict says. He may talk about rehab etc only to soothe you and get you to hang on longer.

I hope you keep coming. You are in a very dangerous situation. He gets busted in your home, there go your kids into the system and you and him go to prison. Do you want to chance that??

hugs! debilyn

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP Anna, I am pleased that you reached out and shared your experience, fears and pain. You are not alone. Alcoholism is a dreadful disease over which we are powerless. It has been identified as a chronic , progressive threefold disease that affects not only the person who takes in the substance but also all who interact with them. There is no cure although it can be arrested. With that in mind the best we can do is to learn how to take care of ourselves in a healthy fashion.

Al-Anon is a program that has been set up to help families who interact with alcoholics. There are face-to-face meetings held in most communities and the hotline number is found in the white pages. I urge you to call and attend.

It is at Al-Anon meetings that I broke the isolation caused by living in the insanity of the alcoholism, learned how to accept support from others who understood as few others can and developed new constructive tools to live by. My self-esteem and self-worth were restored slowly and I began to trust myself and the process each day.

I urge you to try a program. Please keep coming back

anna_m · Member

thank you both. I guess by asking his family for help i thought they could give me insight into how he got into recovery the last time. He said he went to check out an out patient rehab i referred him to but that they don't take his insurance and of course out of pocket is too much. In retrospect he may or may not have done that.

yes, i have been telling him for too long that i would not risk losing my kids and his deliveries were out of control. I'm embarrassed i let it happen once much less every other time. I guess i just figured he would hide it from me and then i couldn't do anything in the situation.

I know i was hoping his family had a magic answer that doesn't exist, but they were/are a great source of strength and support. I guess I needed others who love and know him to tell me it was ok to tell him he couldn't be in the same house unless he was sober. His sister, whom he lived with for at least a year while in recovery, has a similar situation with her ex husband, so i knew she could relate. His mom and dad are praying for us and his mom is the one who is telling me in every conversation to get to a meeting

This really sucks. My boys have always been w/o dads, he's the closest they have ever had to one. My BF has so many amazing qualities and obviously a couple not so amazing qualities that are deal breakers. Being was the first time i knew what it was like to have someone besides my mom help me with the kids; I've been a single/only parent for almost 9 years. This was the first time in years i had a boyfriend, the first time in over a decade i connected so naturally and deeply with someone. But when i work through all the details in my head, i know that he has to want to change, i know it's ok to kick him out, i know i need to move on in my life in a healthy way. It still hurts

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi and welcome to MIP

I go with Debilyn on this one...I am glad you reached out to us...that means you know u r doing something (keeping an addict around) harmful to you and the children.....

Deb is right...cops get him in your house w/drugs, you both go down.....the law does not tolerate illegal drugs......

also, i am familiair with this condition as I have a niece.....she is now low 50's and STILL relapses after 30 years...in and out of rehab, NA and prison an she still gets "high"

drugs are the worst of the worst....horrible to break the habit and awful to stay sober...the cravings are so bad, and they seem to think that "ok, i can get high, do a little and quit" NOT!!!! i hope you stay in alanon so you can connect w/people who are healthy and not a danger to you and the kids.....

The percentages are very low on them to stay off the drugs.....its a beast (drug addiction) they will do all sorts of crimes to get their stuff....we had a "drug house" up the street where these guys were doing break ins to get thier drugs....i organized a neighborhood watch and we all got guns...in TX we can shoot anyone trying to break in our houses....we spread the word out that we were "waiting for them to hit the wrong house" because, no lie, we will shoot then call the cops to pick up the body.....one of them had a decent dad who talked at length with me about the darkness of drug use...how hes done everything to get his boy to quit, but to no avail....I told the dad that we were fed up with their robbing the neighbors to feed their habit, that we were gonna just shoot them till they got the message.....ALSO we petitioned city (they were living in a hud house) and we kept petitioning, calling the cops, tracking them, FINALLY we got rid of them, they got evicted....there was a girl who was sleeping w/them and casing the houses for them by befriending the neighbors and we got rid of her too.......people on that stuff rob, kill, even, I knew of a guy who was selling his own daughter on the streets for HIS habit.......

I hate to sound negative, but this is the worst place to go.....there is only one ending for a drug user who does not get into recovery and stay there and stay clean......Death!!! Death by his drugs, he could get bad stuff and die, or piss off another dealer/user and get shot or stabbed..they don't care how they kill..., or do a break in b/c he has to get his high and get shot by the property owner.......There is no happy ending for an active drug user...

I do hope , you stay in alanon, your children need you sober, free of being around that stuff, they need you out of prison and caring for them.......

I don't mean to come on so strong, but i have been exposed to this crap by my niece...I can't have her in my house....if she decides to get high, she steals.....i won't have her in my home or near my valuables.....what a life....shunned by us clean/healthy folks b/c we know she will steal to get her drugs...she has done it many times b4...had good friends and pushed them away w/her drugging and stealing to get the drugs...then she would go nuts on the stuff and get arrested by the cops...the last time she attacked a cop with a weapon of some sort b/c she did not want to be detained for ???s by the cop who saw her acting suspicious....she attacked...ended up doing time....she is out now.....i pray for her, but wouldn't have her around me on a bet.....

Please see what alanon meetings are around you and try to focus on yourself and what kind of life you can make for you and your children....the fact you reached out here, tells me that you want a better life...You deserve that better life...We all do, but we have to reach out and claim that better life...it isn't going to fall in our laps.....Glad you are here......

anna_m · Member

Wow!! your niece sounds like my neighbors son- a meth addict.

you didn't come on too strong, and good or bad i have been in the life, pre-kids, almost long enough to profile your average addict with what drug they prefer.

I narrowly escaped my ex bf about 9 years ago. he was abusive and a user, etc; i knew my path was leading to death or prison. After intense prayer for the strength to leave, i found myself in the same situation only living out of my truck, with the same abusive partner, and pregnant. I knew my options were to have the baby or give it up, but regardless an innocent child would not be born into that situation. That was my strength, my beautiful 8 yr old boy; he and my 4 year old keep me on track and remind to get back on when i falter

I knew what my current boyfriend was about the first time i saw him, but i chose to ignore that when i found myself in love.

And you are correct, neighbors do the work for the police. His dealer would do drop offs several times a day and my bf never had any consideration to someone reporting us. That with the ultimate realization that we would not be able to maintain a relationship, the question being if we would still be alive in a year, forced me to pull my head out of my ass

Thank you for your support and welcoming me. it helps to talk with people who understand without judging. I'm planning on attending a meeting tomorrow. Does it have to be a new member meeting, or can i go to any al-anon meeting?

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

anna_m wrote:

And you are correct, neighbors do the work for the police. His dealer would do drop offs several times a day and my bf never had any consideration to someone reporting us. That with the ultimate realization that we would not be able to maintain a relationship, the question being if we would still be alive in a year, forced me to pull my head out of my ass

Thank you for your support and welcoming me. it helps to talk with people who understand without judging. I'm planning on attending a meeting tomorrow. Does it have to be a new member meeting, or can i go to any al-anon meeting?

Hey Anna, I appreciate your honesty...honesty is what gets us well.....u will be OK in alanon....and you can go to any meet..new or old, we were all newbies at one time.....i am glad u want to go....get w/healthy people and dump the druggies and drunks.....u have had enough pain in your life,....we all screw up at one time or another, but we can reverse most of our screw ups by being honest, owning our messes and seeking redemption by way of making amends we need to do to the ones we harmed, including our own selves and our kids.......and oh yea, neighbors, most of em don'tt want drugs...they will "narc" you in a heartbeat b/c i for one, i won't live with it......and its true...he didn't CARE if u got busted or not....his drug of choice was his care...not you and those poor kids....my niece is a coke and meth addict....u got it right!!! and i am glad u r as you say "pull my head out of my ass" at least you see it...i am glad of that....and your brave honesty will serve you well in alanon as you seek the roots of yourself and clean out the old stuff that no longer serves you and you focus on that you before things got all screwed up.......of course i am not gonna judge you....who am i to judge??? I married into alcoholism TWICE b/c i grew up w/it....didn't know any better, but after the first one, i do it again???? oh yea!!! and GOOD ON YOU re: tomorrows meeting.....you go and i hope u make some nice acquaintences and they turn into good friends...........IN SUPPORT

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

ANA you can attend any meeting that is listed. Each meeting is a little different but they should have a literature table and New Comer packs at any meeting. The "Just for Today", bookmark is a great help as it provides powerful little tools to use each day to help stay on track.

I know this has been a lonely road for you but once you connect with program and find a Power Greater than Yourself within you will discover a source of strength and power within yourself that you have left untapped for so long. You need never be alone again.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

hotrod wrote:

I know this has been a lonely road for you but once you connect with program and find a Power Greater than Yourself within you will discover a source of strength and power within yourself that you have left untapped for so long. You need never be alone again.

wow, Betty, you have the greatest way of saying things.......ANA, this is sooo spot on.....when you connect to your power most high within you , you will feel more whole, more "together", i struggle with this but i slog along and i make progress each day........and you need never , as Betty says "be alone again" those dark days you can shove to the curb with alanon and its community.......I did and i would never leave /quit my program and fellowshipping w/healthy folks...... alanon changed me from a bitter, raging angry at the world lady to someone who now has hope and yea, i get pissed, but i don't "mess up" in my anger...I feel it, embrace it, let it pass, work through it and i am ok......i am not bitter anymore....i kicked to the curb all the toxic people in my life...most of them i even 4give, but they are GONE....i choose to be healthy and happy and as peaceful as i can be in this screwed up world, focusing on me and what is within my reach helps.....alanon will help you too....U have a good attitude....that is your first step.........

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Great 1st step Ana M...Admitting we are powerless. It was freeing for me also and caused me to separate from all of the people, places and things connect with the disease including my wife's family who wanted me to get and keep her sober and my own family who was so historically affected by our addictions to chemicals. This is Ana M's time. You get to do it for Ana M. Read your share as if it was one of us reading it and see what you come up with thoughts and feelings. What would you want for her and what simple suggestions would you give.

The only one I would give is the one that worked for me and the one that others here have offered you. Get to the first Al-Anon meeting you can and continue for 90 days...one day at a time. If you need a ride to the meeting the one phrase that helped me so much when I first found the program was "Can you help me please". The please isn't optional it works when you work it. Welcome to MIP keep coming back often. ((((hugs)))) smile

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello. My x was an addict until he died. As the others have suggested, Al-Anon is a good place to go and I'd also like to suggest Nar-Anon for you. I'm not sure if you are saying that you use, too, or if you did use and no longer use? If you have used or do use, I'd also like to suggest considering NA for you, too. Alcohol affects a different part of the brain than drugs do, depending on the drug. There is much more risk involved with substance abuse when it comes to the legal system, etc. and the effects drugs in the home will have on children. The more help you can get for yourself, the better for you and your children if you have also been a victim of some brain blips that contribute to drug use. Nobody gets up one day and "decides" they're going to hurt themselves with the poison that both alcohol and drugs can be for folks who are sometimes hard-wired for use. The younger you are, the better when it comes to getting into any program that you believe after attending meetings that you qualify to attend.

As far as your bf goes, we learn in Al-Anon to pay attention to what the A does and not what they say. If he's been in recovery for a year, he knows where he can go for help. If he wanted the help, he'd be in the meetings often - especially considering that he has relapsed and put himself behind the eight ball. I agree with Debilyn on the risk you are taking in letting him back in your home or with your kids. All of the programs that you feel you qualify for once you attend them can be a big help to you in healing and choosing a person who isn't an addict or alcoholic in the future.

Meetings and MIP can be a source of change, growth and support for you. I hope you'll take advantage of the solutions available to you.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Glad you have found us. Just wanted to say that having no dad figure is better than having a dad figure who is an addict. So don't feel bad on that account. Hope you will get some good recovery going for yourself! You deserve the best life.

aquamom23 · Senior Member

Ana....you sound so smart! Xxxx the substances that bonded us would be the ones Tha drove us apart....yes. Please stay with us. Don't go down the plughole of another's problem. ((Ana))

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