I've made no secret of the fact that life is hard lately and I am really fed up with it and prone to feeling sorry for myself and then beating myself up for feeling sorry for myself...lol woe is me.

But having watched the way life unfolds and the way things happen all by themselves, I have no doubt that it all happens for a reason and if the same thing happens over and over, it's because there is a lesson you aren't learning. I'm trying to be super aware of that lately and listen hard for the lessons because HP SERIOUSLY I AM SO OVER THIS CLASS. I mean really, it's like having double geography after lunch on a Friday. It is dragging on FOREVER!!!

But if I'm honest, and I mean really really honest, right up until those final days in the old place I was still feeling unsure and sad and scared about living away from A. And still looking at places that we could all live in together as well as places just for me. I wasn't ready. I was telling myself I was but it was still big fat loads of denial. I was still very addicted to being with him. I really probably would have given in, right up until that very last night when we had to sleep in the car because he was so drunk and insane. And after that...I was just raw and miserable and would have so easily been worn down by my mother if I had gone there, it was a rock and a hard place, which would I have chosen really? After a few weeks with my mother I can't honestly say i wouldn't have been renting a place with A again and starting up the whole nightmare anew.  I don't think my heart was where my mind was, I needed to see and feel for myself that I could experience life and happiness and fun and hope without him. Maybe it had to be forced upon me in a controlled environment lol. Maybe this has been my rehab. 

I know that is what i have gained through all of this kind of farcical situation...time apart has finally shown me what  needed to see.

I still love A, I can't say that isn't true and I still miss him and I still like hearing his voice, that is all still true although I resist contacting him and forget about him for longer and longer stretches of time now. It's weird but good and freaks me out when i don't think of him for a few days and suddenly realise it. How is that possible when he was the center of the universe before? How is the sun still staying in the sky and the tides still going in and out? But they are... We do chat online occasionally and when he is drunk I can be busy and have to go. For example yesterday he was obviously roaring drunk and sending me messages all day, lyrics from all of my favorite songs and lots of jokes, he was in a fine mood. I giggled when I read them, I don't have to care that he is drunk, I don't have to worry or be afraid of what will happen later when he "turns" from happy drunk into angry weird blackout guy. I am so uncomfortable where  am but I am not afraid when I go to sleep and I want that forever now. He asks me often if I will consider living with him and the answer is no no no no no no no no no. I don't want to ever go back to any of that and I know that now for ever and for sure. So when I picture my future all i ache for is a home for just my daughter and i, just us and our fur-babies and no-one else and now my heart wants what my head wants too so when i finally make it happen it will be joyful and awesome and something worth defending.

So this is what I have gained through the last couple of months of having to live cramped and unhappy. I have gained a real and true need and understanding of my need to not live in the alcoholic warzone ever again. And the realisation that I am OK without him, and it's also OK to care and to miss him and to wish it were different but i'm still OK and those feelings won't in fact drown me or be the end of me.

So I do see a point to all of this and some lessons i just don't think i could have learned if things had been 'easier" or gone according to my own plans. 

So that's a yay. There is a gain to all of this and it's a biggie.