The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My son has been sober for a year now. But that doesnt say a whole lot because he doesnt have a program so is growing very slow as far as picking up new habits and characteristics. As for me I have just been glad I have not had to deal with him. I now realize how exhausted I was after all those years of trying to "manage" him.... ha ha ha that was fruitless. I see now I didnt have to do that "control" thing that I "thought" was helping, what a waste of time! I am barely picking myself up and trying other things, but still confused as to who I really am and what I want to do for the rest of my life, which is a good 20 yrs if I am lucky and stay healthy. Even though people say you have a whole world of things to pick from, I find that hard because if you are not independently wealthy you have to work at least 8 hrs a day. I know, I know, I have choices, but again it is hard to teach an old dog new tricks... lol. I find myself lucky that my son did not die or hurt anyone seriously when he was out there. For this I am thankful.... I am still making peace with my past .... and things about my past creep on me at least weekly. To take the time to deal with them is of much importance, and I lack the know how on a lot of those past things. What I know is that time flys and now its 2014 going on 2015 what am I waiting for?
I recognize what might be that "Some day I will..." that might plague you as it did me. The question "What am I waiting for?" is powerful. Love this share. Thank you, LinSC.
My sponsor said - Its later than you think- Simple short sentence but has stuck in my mind. Every time I think of what I want out of my life I remember her words. My plans for the future have come into now because the future is not guaranteed. Just for Today is a brilliant slogan because it keeps me focused on this set of 24 hours and what I can do today to improve my life, the changes I want have to start in some moment so its got to be today.
I understand that feeling of 'not having to deal with him.' I've got that too, but he is not in recovery so nothing changes really, so its got to begin with me. Its me that has to be changed enough so that I deal with the crap better and better each time and so that I can still have a good life. I'm entitled to a good life, your entitled to a good life, no matter what life he gives himself and if his life clashes with mine in the future then I need to be strong enough to defend my life against any attacks from the disease. Its like being in a war zone when dealing with this disease and Alanon, meetings, phone calls, readings, steps are your armour. Your tools are your survival tools otherwise you sink into the dark hole we all know so well.
The past only has power when we allow it to. I write it out, write out the events, discuss it with someone with good program, allow it air and then it looses power, it becomes what it should be - not that relevant to today. Look back, yes but don't stay too long, the past can be poison.
I forgive myself for a lot of the past, maybe most of it because I did the best I could with what I had or knew at the time. Thats the truth. Im only human and thats as good as it gets. For me to grow as a human being I had to make mistakes like every other person on the planet so to hell with guilt or ghosts of the past, I paid years of dues in terms of guilt and it got me nowhere but low self esteem and deep feelings of being unworthy, it kept me trapped with people and in places that weren't good for me because I thought that was all I deserved. Thank you for sharing, it was good for me to revisit this topic.Lx
LC My doctor told me that" I had to make some changes so that the journey to the end would be more pleasant ". That stopped me in my tracks and I stopped smoking immediately. It is later than we think and life is too short .Today I do live one day at a time with courage, serenity and a little wisdom and i am grateful.
